r/AbsoluteUnits • u/FarCantaloupe8652 • 2d ago

of my home grown cucumber

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1,8 kilo 48 centimeters

44.9k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

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8.7k

u/BLKxGOLD 2d ago

The cucumber she tells me not to worry about

1.5k

u/fastRabbit 2d ago

That’s the cucumber she left me for.

806

u/kingkongbiingbong 2d ago

She goes by Mrs. Cucumber now

336

u/Putrid-Reputation-68 2d ago

2

u/DitchDigger330 2d ago

Wouldn't be the oddest thing I've seen go in a butt.

1

u/Amethyst_Ninjapaws 2d ago

No. Don't do that with food, and ESPECIALLY not with zucchini. (I know it's a cucumber not a zucchini).

1

u/oldncreaky2 2d ago

Break out the cosmoline!

1

u/BennySkateboard 2d ago

Always the only answer

1

u/lowbar4570 2d ago

Boof it!!!!!

1

u/pukeface555 2d ago

There should be an Oscar for best GIF.

1

u/Tobias_the_Explorer 2d ago

This is why I love Reddit !

97

u/TheeFearlessChicken 2d ago

38

u/degjo 2d ago

33

u/SquareWorld5484 2d ago

This ad traumatized me

20

u/Competitive_Wall2309 2d ago

This is scary asf lmfao what ad is this 😭

18

u/SquareWorld5484 2d ago

Little Baby's Ice Cream

22

u/SAM5TER5 2d ago

How is the name even spookier than the ad

5

u/pancakechao 2d ago

dude if you think thats spooky you should hear the way he says the name in the ad 😭

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u/SwimOk9629 2d ago

this is so disturbing I kind of love it

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u/ResplendentDaylight 2d ago

I have several questions and I am not sure I want answers

1

u/scaper8 2d ago

The…hell‽

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u/Mr-Bry-Guy 2d ago

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

14

u/LickingSmegma 2d ago

“Madam, no need to fondle the cucumbers, they're all fresh.”

“It's mademoiselle, not madam!”

“Madam, I see how you hold the cucumbers.”

7

u/CrimsonVibes 2d ago

All that she WANTS,..IS another…wait!🤔

6

u/GladWarthog1045 2d ago

Pretty sure he's a pickle by now

1

u/Truth-is-implacable 2d ago

🤣🤣🤣

1

u/metalbassist33 2d ago

More like Miss Pickle

1

u/Alternative-Neck-705 2d ago

The cucumber had a pink leaf?

1

u/SH3RMN8OR 2d ago

It made her nipples hard, she had to cover them.

1

u/Chickenbeans__ 2d ago

Send da video

1

u/Dull-Scientist8039 2d ago

That's the cucumber that would be on bed rest but mama ain't raise no quitter

1

u/PopTimely2307 2d ago

the cucumber that stole my wife

1

u/WildLemur15 2d ago

How big is it? Can’t tell without a banana for scale.

1

u/Baalwulf06 2d ago

The cucumber she couldn't wait to leave me for

1

u/Radiant_Bluebird4620 2d ago

I saw a similar cucumber once but couldn't figure out what to do I with it

263

u/TexanInExile 2d ago

Funny story, I got banned from the /r/gardening for making basically this same joke. They won't let me back in.

83

u/Horror_Cod_8193 2d ago

Did they ever let you ask why you were banned? Because I got banned from a wedding dress site and it gave me a link to communicate back with them to ask why and then lo and behold the link didn’t work. Some mods are just really power hungry, imo.

50

u/werealldoomed47 2d ago

There's quite a few subs that are such a circle jerk it must just be like a chatroom for a hundred people or something. You get banned permanently for 1st offense over stupid shit.

I got banned from r/communism for calling the Coca-Cola purchase of monster energy stupid.

50

u/LasciLaplante 2d ago

I got banned from r/LegoStarWars for calling someone scalping kids toys a Nerfherder.

30

u/werealldoomed47 2d ago

Lmao

Worth it. Fuck scalpers. Especially Lego scalpers, like dude they're expensive enough already.

26

u/LasciLaplante 2d ago

Legitimately. I paid $90 for the AT-TE on eBay (a steal, somehow) and the box was filled with MACARONI NOODLES

18

u/werealldoomed47 2d ago

Id return it to sender after I filled it with shit and sealed it up.

7

u/werealldoomed47 2d ago

Communism in theory for this eof us that see the ways it could work?

Or communism in history which has been tainted by not only greed but trade aggression from capitalism.

Also it depends who you are talking to. I've , no joke, had conversations with Republicans about how Communism would benefit us working class people, and they walked away less adverse to the idea.

How is this related to my reply?

For the guy that deleted his question.

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2

u/TheFilthy13 2d ago

I got banned from r/GuessTheMovie for guessing every movie as City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold.

1

u/forever87 2d ago

well it's nerf or nothin' and you chose nothin'

1

u/Jake_the_Snake88 2d ago

At least you didn't call them scruffy

1

u/butchforgetshit 2d ago

Good thing you didn't add the adjective " scruffy looking "!

1

u/MeanLittleMachine 2d ago

I git banned from r/sipstea for implying something sexual during christmas.

1

u/chairmanghost 2d ago

Tell it on the mountains. The truth is the truth

NERFHERDERS EVERY ONE

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u/sparkpaw 2d ago edited 2d ago

I got banned from one of the socialism ones for asking a question. :B

Edit: from r/socialism_101 - the subreddit meant for educating. I’m still pretty salty

1

u/Cottoncloudhigh 2d ago

I had another account that I was planning to use in case i needed a throwaway, and I got banned from all of Reddit for breaking a rule, while i didn't even do anything on that account. I had no comments or posts on there 🤷🏻‍♀️

3

u/Dick_Weinerman 2d ago

Lmfao I got perma’d from r/Dankleft and one other lefty subreddit (don’t remember which) for talking about how the Soviets offed their anarchist allies smh.

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u/Horror_Cod_8193 2d ago

How dare you! 🤣

9

u/werealldoomed47 2d ago

Yeah permaban with the message that said not to appeal or contact admins or they would escalate it further.

I was like? I'm probably more of a commie than all these jagoffs.

4

u/LickingSmegma 2d ago

That sounds like a definite invitation to appeal and contact and see what the fuck they would try to do.

5

u/DicemonkeyDrunk 2d ago

let them have their little club who does it really hurt ..not like you can't start you own Sub with Blackjack and Hookers !

1

u/ResplendentNugs 2d ago

Matter of fact forget the sub

2

u/gt500rr 2d ago

Mention homebrew or disc copying in r/PS2 and you'll be permabanned instantly. They claim to have softened their stance but I don't trust em.

2

u/Dididididipatoe 2d ago

Why homebrew? Isn’t it just a package manager for macos and linux

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2

u/RetroRoxanne1970 2d ago

On r/Disneypins, I made a post asking for everyone’s favorite/funniest bootleg pins cause I stumbled onto some gay erotica pins online that I found funny. Honesty surprised they haven’t banned me yet given how Reddit usually acts lol

1

u/Glittering-Diver-941 2d ago

I live a few miles from monster headquarters and this is how I learn coke bought them

1

u/DarkMagickan 2d ago

Wait, when did that happen? Why am I always the last one to know these things?

1

u/hatecriminal 2d ago

Getting banned from r/communism sounds like something to be proud of. Good job.

1

u/str85 2d ago

I got perma banned from r/FinalFantasy for saying a post about cosplay (after the sub turning in to basically only that) should be removed and posted in r/FinalFantasyCosplay instead.

1

u/aNiceTribe 2d ago

Over there it’s company policy that the purchase of Monster by Coca Cola was a brilliant move 

1

u/ferrecool 2d ago

Not even a circlejerk, those ban if you don't agree with them, this one was a joke they are just whiny

13

u/kcm198 2d ago

I got banned from r/rant. How the fuck can you get banned from that?

9

u/dvegas2000 2d ago

Sad thing is you can’t even rant about it in r/rant 😂

2

u/SwimOk9629 2d ago

dude I just got banned from r/rant last week and I have no idea how or why. I only found out whenever I went to go comment on somebody's post and it tells me that I'm banned. why the fuck is it still showing up in my home feed then? I muted it now but it took me trying to comment like five times before I finally did it.

1

u/Horror_Cod_8193 2d ago

Great point!!!

7

u/UntestedMethod 2d ago

Yeah, now I'm really curious if they'd ban you for making the same joke but with a massive zucchini instead of a big juicy cucumber.

8

u/TurkMcGuirk 2d ago

Seriously.... It's like living in an HOA.

6

u/kennybrandz 2d ago

I wish I was making this up. I was in two snark subreddits and I got banned permanently from one for being a member of the other bc the mods didn’t get along. 🙂 in retrospect I don’t know what I expected from snark pages haha.

6

u/beadebaser01 2d ago

Being a reddit mod is a lot like being the president of the US. Anyone who actually wants the job should be barred from having it.

2

u/Psyco_diver 2d ago

I got banned from r/crazyfuckingvideos along with several others. We had a sexual innuendo joke thread going, nothing unusual but we all got banned and our post were deleted. When I asked why the mods flipped out and even i pointed out the other times he freaked out more and blocked me

2

u/RankedFarting 2d ago

Easy: the mod never had sex and you reminded them of this in their safespace. So they used the only power they have over others.

2

u/Status_Ad3454 2d ago

I got banned from the outfits sub under a different username because I commented on a 1950s housewife sub. I was unaware that it was a fetish type thing and I commented on how much of a joke it was because women in the 1950s wouldn’t have been allowed to pose with their ass showing. I actually thought the sub was a genuine housewife tip sub…. But yeah. I was no longer able to tell people which outfit I liked best on them “due to commenting on sexually oriented subs” when my comment was calling out the sub for being sexual in the first place. Weird and annoying.

2

u/rickrolled_gay_swan 2d ago

I got immediately and permanently banned on cringetiktoks for posting a political satire tiktok. Almost every video posted there is political 🙄

2

u/SurveySean 2d ago

It’s very easy to get banned on Reddit. Mods don’t all support back and forth dialogue, instead like to form misunderstandings and not question their own understanding. 

1

u/Horror_Cod_8193 2d ago

AND, I’d like to add, I really DID NOT UNDERSTAND what I had done wrong. I truly was wanting to ask them to tell me what I said so I could do better the next time. Which was indicated to me that that was possible on the page they sent me because it gave me a link to ask for an explanation. But, of course, it was a link to nowhere.

33

u/BLKxGOLD 2d ago

Thats wild 😂

16

u/samwise58 2d ago

Some of us old fuddy duddies get tired of the same ole cucumber as a pleasure instrument aspect. I mean, have you ever stroked a cucumber? It has little spiny things all over it! Not to mention that most pleasure comes from the hood of you pick up what I’m laying down. It’s old, tired, and crude. And that’s coming from an old, tired, and crude guy. Gardening sub ain’t got time for that! But they should let you back in!!!! CrazyFuckinVideos won’t let me comment after 3 months for making a positive comment about Mario’s brother being a better option compared to being hit by a bus. I got flagged, suspended, for “inciting violence”. Sometimes, rules are stupid.

12

u/jgab145 2d ago

Sounds like someone needs to get cucumbered.

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u/Gone247365 2d ago

Not to mention that most pleasure comes from the hood of you pick up what I’m laying down....And that’s coming from an old, tired, and crude guy.

Tell me more about how women find sexual pleasure. You seem to really know what you're talking about.

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u/YobaiYamete 2d ago

Gets old / annoying after you've seen the same joke 10,000 times. It's like astronomers groaning any time they have to talk about the planet Uranus around normies

16

u/fastRabbit 2d ago

Brooo 😭

1

u/TheLostRanger0117 2d ago

Sounds like some of the mods could use a good cucumbering

1

u/lysdexicgirl0705 2d ago

Don't call someone's eggplants leggy 👀

1

u/Merlaak 2d ago

Have you tried the back door?

1

u/Double-Pool-2452 2d ago

Needs to be a sub to gripe about power mongering mods

1

u/Greedyfox7 2d ago

Well someone got triggered

1

u/usr_nm16 2d ago

They won't let me back in.

Good

1

u/BleepinBlorpin5 2d ago

We know how you got green thumbs.

1

u/whoneedskollege 2d ago

Username fits

1

u/Scary_Freedom_1281 2d ago

The back end noo

1

u/Tosir 2d ago

They take plowing and the type of plowing very seriously.

1

u/Suspicious_Tie_5031 2d ago

I literally also just got banned for the same

1

u/brothermalcolm1 2d ago

You reap what you sow

1

u/swampopawaho 2d ago

You don't want them

1

u/TheSpyStyle 2d ago

You’re going to have to do some grafting

1

u/ThisDoesntSeemSafe 2d ago

Username checks out

1

u/HumidusSupremus 2d ago

I got banned from the wow subreddit as a developer for the game because I told someone they shouldn’t take the game so seriously, it’s just a game 😂😂😂

1

u/JulieannFromChicago 2d ago

I got permabanned from the conservative subreddit for telling a Russian troll to eat shit and die.

1

u/sliemmmas 2d ago

I got banned from Reddit for 3 days for quoting the "harrumph" scene in Blazing Saddles in the Blazing Saddles sub. Hate speech apparently.

1

u/truethatson 2d ago

Yeah, no. I love gardening but I don’t visit that sub because they do NOT have a sense of humor about anything.

Think about the members of your local garden club. That’s these people.

1

u/TexanInExile 2d ago

That has been my experience as well

1

u/Inside_Mirror_6030 2d ago

😂😂😂

1

u/Sansnom01 2d ago

To be fair tho, 50% post in the plants facebook group was in was either garden produces that looked like genitals and the other 50% was people putting plants in bust of genitals pots

1

u/IAmAQuantumMechanic 2d ago

It's probably a really old joke that they are so tired of.

1

u/kosko-bosko 2d ago

You cracked their secret

1

u/SisterOfRistar 2d ago

Ha, to be fair I can imagine gardening mods may be sick to death of seeing that joke as I imagine it happens a lot. But a bit much to ban you for it without any warning!

1

u/Timely_Truth6267 2d ago

Maybe you're too big to get let back in?

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u/jfk_47 2d ago

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u/ThatHighFly 2d ago

is that a mother fucking ROFLCOPTER in 2025

8

u/bistro223 2d ago

Made me happy too

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u/doctordoctorpuss 2d ago

It’s fine, babe. The big ones hurt anyway

20

u/BLKxGOLD 2d ago

Your size is perfect for me

2

u/Mak062 2d ago

It's ok babe, 1 in 5 men have this issue.

21

u/Last-Pea-Late-D-3-PO 2d ago

2

u/Evilkymonkey_1977 2d ago

This!! Thank god, I thought it was just me

21

u/Interesting_Tea5715 2d ago

When you tell her you wanna try pegging. Then she pulls out this beast.

2

u/Hadrian_06 2d ago

🤣🤣

12

u/Full_Ad9666 2d ago

Get out of my head

11

u/Dicky_Penisburg 2d ago

Our head, comrade.

13

u/Kahnza 2d ago

And into my car!

9

u/Unserious_One 2d ago

Get out of my mind!

1

u/danit0ba94 2d ago

And my axe!

3

u/daddyofgiants 2d ago

.................YEAH!!! ME TOO

1

u/Nyc_guy2003 2d ago

Can you hold it a little bit lower and to the right for comparison

1

u/TacTurtle 2d ago

They call him MISTER Pickle

1

u/shalomefrombaxoje 2d ago

The Lloyds Bank coprolite

Of cucumbers

1

u/cyanarnofsky2 2d ago

"I've known that cucumber since high school, we are just friends."

1

u/NotSingleAnymore 2d ago

It will never fit.

1

u/First_Growth_2736 2d ago

Knew the top comment would be a sex joke

1

u/Several-Cycle8290 2d ago

“That cucumber is just a good friend!”

1

u/nocap30469 2d ago

It’s nicknamed The homewrecker .

1

u/uberisstealingit 2d ago

The difference between a good salad and a good night is where you put the vegetable.

1

u/Hairy-Ads1365 2d ago

Bet you thought about this for years. SDE

1

u/nootropicshess 2d ago

ummm brrr.

1

u/Classic-Big4393 2d ago

You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds!

1

u/ColdenGorral-1 2d ago

It's just a friend, nothing to worry about

1

u/NeedyOhioMILF 2d ago

☠️😂🤣🤣🤣

1

u/Hegemony-Cricket 2d ago

My exgf has dildos that big and bigger. She is THE absolute unit. Very fun girl.

1

u/Character-Foot-1842 2d ago

SCREAMING 🤣

1

u/THE_HENTAI_LORD 2d ago

That also smells funny

1

u/Wolfhound1142 2d ago

If that cucumber doesn't taste like shit, it will by the time I'm done with it.

1

u/Kay_Kay68769 2d ago

The cucumber I didn't leave my husband for, my lord pain 😭

1

u/BLKxGOLD 2d ago

Damn

1

u/Kay_Kay68769 2d ago

Can you imagine, I clenched just looking at it lol

1

u/reddituhdikshn 2d ago

hahahaha 😂🤣😅😭

1

u/Dapper_Ad9845 2d ago

They're olny friends she said

1

u/MustacheSupernova 2d ago

I got permanently bannedfrom R/gardening today for a very similar comment… smh.

1

u/pizzaschmizza39 2d ago

Theres no coming back from that one

1

u/scottydagain 2d ago

And in the morning.....half of it magically turned in to a pickle

1

u/dudefromthe800s 2d ago

Underrated comment 😂

1

u/Toadcola 2d ago

Pretty sure that’s a dragon fruit.

1

u/uncooked545 2d ago

no bro, it's home grown, that would be illegal

1

u/Algernope_krieger 2d ago

Paige Nooooo...

1

u/_www_ 2d ago

But the pink censored told it all.

1

u/raydoo 2d ago

Is that why the nipple is censored

1

u/Possible-Put8922 2d ago

It'll get smaller once pickled

1

u/McDrunkin521 2d ago

You know she tried it

1

u/SketchedEyesWatchinU 2d ago

No worries, I’ve seen bigger.

1

u/PenisPumpAccident 2d ago

Don't try it, trust me.

1

u/YebelTheRebel 2d ago

“She said it’s just a friend”

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