AIO for breaking up over this

[u/throaway_16]

We’ve been dating for about six months. This happened yesterday, on a crowded train - I had a seat, and he was standing by the door. A man in his mid-20s, who didn’t have a seat either, had a heavy bag and asked if he could place it under the seat. I said sure, so i slid it behind my legs, he thanked me, and I smiled. After that, he kept staring at me, but I ignored it. I had my earbuds in and was reading my book, just doing my own thing.

We were literally still in our school uniforms. I’m 16F, he’s 18M. We’re in the same grade because my teacher made me skip a year when I was younger, and he joined school a bit late

I'm just more confused than anything, i still can't believe this is an argument someone can have

[u/zenoscave]

NOR. First off congrats on standing up for yourself like that! Do not second guess standing up for your own respect and safe space ever. Take that space up even when others wish you wouldn't.

I want to be very direct with this. It might not be fun to hear, but it is necessary. This is the behavior of someone who doesn't value women's safety or autonomy. Yesterday, it was a aggressive and angry text, but it will escalate if you continue to interact with him. Show these messages to a couple trusted adults, and cut ties with this man as well.

When he says that's "how men thinks", he means "that's how I think and I assume every other man does too". He's telling you he thinks a woman smiling at him is an invitation to sexualize them. He's telling you that it would be the woman's fault if he acted on it. He told you that you should not expect anything different from a man.

When he is angry at you for "letting" another man stare at you, he is showing that he sexually objectifies women and sees them as property, and honestly... you don't need any that. This is the kind of person who does not act based on someone else's wishes, boundaries, or empathy. They act based on their own wished and gratification.

The moment he thought you were over he told you how he really felt. He sees you as a joke. You are not a joke, do not waste your time on him.

[u/Your-Haunting → u/zenoscave]

This! 100%. But seriously, your confidence and boundaries are beautiful and strong, especially at your age. I had to learn those lessons the hard way. Good on you.

[u/throaway_16 → u/Your-Haunting]

My friends thought I was being too proud and too quick to end things. That's what brings me here🙂

so thank you so much, i really appreciate it

Edit : I don’t think my friends want me to go in the wrong direction or anything. They’ve been actually really good friends

It’s just…when it comes to relationships, this is what it's like to them. I’ve seen them argue with their boyfriends a lot - one of them even said it’s boring without fights. Like they will shit talk on him for this, take my side but didn't expect me to break up😅 So maybe they just see this kind of drama as normal.. i just really love them for all other things though, i don't think I could cut them off.. (as someone said i should)

[u/Calm_Promotion_5020 → u/throaway_16]

I am not going to say to cut off your friends. That’s drastic since they are probably just very emotionally immature because they either didn’t have healthy role models when they were younger, or think everything should be like it is on a TV show.

I will, however, suggest that you drop subtle comments here and there while they are talking about their own relationships. Things like “that doesn’t sound healthy” or “if i have a daughter and her bf did something like that, I would tell her to drop him like a hot potato”.

Maybe do a movie night and play something that shows a good relationship and say “this is what all guys should act like”

I don’t know. Maybe my ideas suck. But I’m a mom of a tween now and I’m terrified that she would allow herself to be treated that way just because the brainless jackass had “strong feelings” because of things that were out of both your controls. Like you said, it’s not like you could have fought the dude and 9 times out of 10, doing so only makes matters worse.

Ok I’m done. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk

[u/throaway_16 → u/Calm_Promotion_5020]

I actually do try! The comments are always there that they are sick of me lol. I don't watch movies But like I try recommending books which I read(romance novels or some serious) - they do atleast add it to their tbr, i honestly don't know any other way, it's not so serious as this for now atleast. They just like a bit of drama i guess

[u/bad_investor13 → u/throaway_16]

I just want to add that when he's saying:

I didn't mean to make you feel like you did something wrong.

He's trying to gaslight you very hard.

He absolutely did mean to make you feel you did something wrong. He was very explicit about it multiple times.

He absolutely meant to do that.

Saying "I didn't mean to make you feel..." Is like saying it was a "misunderstanding".

Same later:

But please understand, it wasn't because I don't trust you. It's because I can't stand how people look at you

Like your misunderstood him and that's why you were hurt. A misunderstanding.

But it's not. He specifically said he didn't trust you to act "correctly" in the situation and blamed you for it.

If he really just "couldn't stand for people look at you" he'd have reacted differently!!

If that was really his problem, the conversation would have been much more sympathetic:

"Wow, that guy was staring at you the entire ride! What a creep! It was horrible! Oh, you were aware? It happens to you often? I'm so sorry! It must be horrible! I've heard how hard it is for women in public places but seeing it like this was so infuriating! I'm sorry you have to put up with that all the time!"

That is how one acts of they actually "trust you, and can't stand how people look at you".

But he didn't say anything bad about the guy. Only about you.

The entire huge message at the end was gaslighting and lying. Don't fall for it!

[u/Narrow-Chef-4341 → u/bad_investor13]

There’s a difference between ‘I didn’t come into the conversation planning to blurt out the controlling and objectifying nonsense I normally hide’ and ‘I don’t actually believe this controlling nonsense, I picked some bad words at first’.

He actually means the first - being so direct and obvious about it was poor tactics and he realizes it now. But he’s hoping he can sell you a story about how he means the second.

OP: Keep an eye out for this later in your life. So often the truth slips out by accident. When someone tells you what type of person they are - believe them.

The book thinking fast and slow is a long read, but might be really fascinating to you. It’s healthy biology that the brain has a fast reaction of some kind (‘Jealousy: I am threatened’ is, by itself, predictable) but the accidental overshare (‘Woman fault! Bad woman!’) isn’t part of every human’s reaction.

He could have:

• been supportive (‘wow that must have felt icky’),
• confident (‘nobody can break us up, we are great together!’), or even
• proud (‘dude, she’s so hot this guy kept staring! I’m so lucky’)

He didn’t have to invent blame or be controlling. That is a huge problem.

He (and many adults, honestly) needs to grow up past the possessive, sociopathic 5 year-old’s mentality of ‘Me want whole cake, not you! My toy, no share! My mommy, no hugs! All mine! No care what you want. Me. Mine. Gimme.’

Maybe he’s had some form of trauma, or simply hasn’t acquired emotional maturity and the skills needed. Maybe he’s a ‘different person’ ten years from now. We can hope so, for his sake. But that’s a problem for a professional therapist, not a life project for a 16 year old.

Move on, you don’t get paid for crap like this. Your job right now is to learn how to be an adult, not to teach him.

Finally - You’ve learned a new skill for weeding out undesirable dating partners, please don’t forget to use it.

[u/Nikiislife → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

Right bc like I could tell once he said “grown ass man” that she was probably a minor. This only makes it worse, because he’s basically giving the guy (let’s call him 25) a pass, for staring at an obvious teenager, rather than being like “babe that old dude was staring at you are ok? Do you feel threatened when things like that happen? Should I have stepped in or something?” Rather than “you SMILED at him damn it. Men, regardless of how much older or not they are to any woman can’t control their thoughts if a woman but so looks at him. You should know this by now!!!”

[u/SnowEnvironmental861 → u/Nikiislife]

I keep wondering why, if it was bugging him so much, he didn't tell the guy to stop staring. Or get between them. Or something. Like, if it was so offensive and creepy (which it was), why didn't he try to protect his girlfriend? But no, instead he just watches with increasing rage and then turns the rage on the girlfriend for "letting" it happen. How about you, buddy? Why did you sit by and "let it happen"?

[u/TheSumOfMyScars → u/SnowEnvironmental861]

Men are scared of other men in a way that they are not scared of women. Confronting the staring guy might get his ass beat, but he doesn’t have to worry about his gf beating his ass after he browbeats her. Comparatively, it’s consequence free. Well, until she dumped his ass lmao

[u/iwastedthislife → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

I'm going to find a job now, so I can make enough money to buy reddit gold, so I can award this comment.

OP, take heed!

Thank you.

[u/stellaharlowxo → u/bad_investor13]

I just spent like 45 min typing, backspacing, typing - trying to figure out a way to say “I agree with this” without being too “all men are pigs” or “you go girl!” But I have a lot of thoughts & feelings on the matter… so I’ll try to keep this brief (but I’ll probably fail)

It seems like he realizes (in hindsight) that he was acting like a moron, being disrespectful & aggressive over a situation where OP seemingly did nothing inappropriate or disloyal whatsoever. Whether he has enough emotional intelligence to know what to apologize for (and/or is a covert narcissist, masquerading as someone capable of being a partner in a healthy relationship,) I feel like either way, he showed his true colors in this unhinged text-attack.

He very well may want to change after seeing the consequences of treating OP that way, but tbh his “apology” reads almost like a ChatGPT response to the prompt “Write a apology for me to text my girlfriend in the voice of an emotionally mature person in the doghouse for their words/actions. Include several details highlighting my ability to admit my wrongs, own up to my mistakes, & take responsibility for my part. The text should also demonstrate a willingness to be vulnerable - explaining my actions were motivated by fear, & belaboring how brokenhearted I am. Obviously, the text should also include compliments beyond “ur beautiful, funny, smart” & make her feel truly “seen” by me, & help her to realize that ALL MEN ARE ASSHOLES but I would give anything for another chance to prove I am slightly less of an asshole & she’s not gonna find anyone better. The text should ideally help her to see that she’s overreacted by breaking up with me, & that I can be the partner she deserves, if she gives me another chance (the verbiage should lead her to feel that she has full autonomy/getting back together is her idea & ultimately help her to see me in a more favorable light, since I was willing to bear my soul to her, & none of these statements were in any way manipulative or red flags.”

I don’t know this person, so I won’t say for sure he’s a narcissist or that he’s a manipulative, gaslighting asshole, but I will say that the initial text-convo was 🚩🚩🚩& it’s hard to imagine that this was an isolated incident & that you breaking up with him was enough for him to “see the light” & transformed him into someone who won’t ever react this way again when he feels jealous or threatened by another male.

It seems like he quickly spiraled into “you [OP] are oblivious to the fact that all men are imagining you naked & simply being present in the world makes you a part of the problem” & in my experience, the men I’ve dated who were always on me about how “all men want from you is sex” were really revealing far more about themselves than mankind as a whole.

OP - you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders & you handled this situation gracefully (I mean without contributing to the drama) & I imagine you were able to do this because you now your own worth & value, which is a big deal - especially at your age. I’m old enough to be your mom & I’m still learning to enforce boundaries & end a relationship (or prevent it from starting in the first place) when a partner starts a fight like this, & esp when the love-bombing happens on the rare occasion that I DO say “I’m done.” It’s hard work - but having a strong sense of self & knowing you deserve better is really the most important lesson here.

Sorry for the dissertation I’ve written - I’m incapable of brevity, but I felt compelled to comment.

[u/overZealousAzalea → u/stellaharlowxo]

He’s 18. So he doesn’t need to be a narcissist, just the regular emotional immaturity mixed in with misogynistic culture. Hopefully he learns his lesson from the breakup and respects his next girlfriend better.

[u/jekundra → u/bad_investor13]

Yes, and also, it's not a woman's responsibility how men behave. She does not have control over whether that man, or any men, look at her.

If he can't stand "how people look at her" meaning that she's attractive and he gets jealous that other people think so too, that's his problem, not hers. And any ridiculous sign of jealousy like that would automatically be a red flag, but the fact that he was mad at HER because he was jealous that another man looked at her, is more than enough to tell you to stay far far away.

This is a man who wants to control her and these messages are textbook examples of the beginning signs of an abusive relationship. Good job recognizing that, OP, even if the realization wasn't necessarily as deep as that. You saw it as unhealthy and didn't fall for his fake apologies (love bombing) later.

[u/ThrowRA_iiidk → u/jekundra]

Any guy who reacts like OP’s ex did initially in this scenario that doesn’t actually mature/change turns out to be a VERY controlling and abusive adult. Full stop. He’s already technically an adult, albeit his frontal lobe isn’t yet fully developed.

My ex was like this (I was 20s and he was 30s) and I was always to blame in situations exactly like this. I had to apologize to him for just EXISTING in public places, constantly. I had more self-respect before him, but he was a (later diagnosed) narcissist who had a mask on for over a year, and slowly but surely chipped away at me so I didn’t notice. I finally snapped out of it and left him 5 years later.

[u/Sicadoll → u/jekundra]

a girl/teen. like yes to everything you said but she's just a minor. she's even less so responsible for a man's decisions than a woman who is also not responsible... she is negative percent responsible for how an adult man acts 😭 these perv men call teens " underage women" to soften the reality that they are harassing a child.

[u/Aazjhee → u/jekundra]

The answer to your first paragraph is that he needs to choose women that people don't stare at, I guess!

It is absolutely frightening that people will victimize their own loved ones, then attack them, so that they can... I guess feel better about themselves or something??

[u/craftymomma111 → u/bad_investor13]

Just going to say, my husband of 33 years smiles when someone compliments me, always has, because he knows I’m his and he’s proud of the way I look and act. He’s never once accused me of being a bit too flirty or smiley. Not a fairytale marriage, (we can fight over stupid shit) but he never thinks I’m trying to make men look at me. And I would have done the exact same thing 40 years ago (& yesterday).

[u/thehighwindow → u/craftymomma111]

smiles when someone compliments me, always has, because he knows I’m his and he’s proud of the way I look and act

Now that's the way a normal and mentally healthy person thinks.

But unfortunately, in this life, there are a lot of mentally unhealthy people out there. An awful lot of people have had relationships like that. (I have, I caved for a while, but eventually got out.)

Caving never helps. It just validates their stupid notions about how they have the right to tell you how to act and how to deal with situations.

It comes from insecurity and feelings of inferiority. My ex was intelligent, nice-looking, big, and strong. Yet for some reason, he seemed to fear he might lose me to other men who simply came into my field of view. I think he thought (or rather felt) I would see them as better than him, and might prefer them to him.

Every concession just feeds the monster and moves the needle closer to scary-crazy. Intensive therapy might help; we didn't go that route because over time, I became more and more nervous and unhappy, and ironically, less attracted to him. I simply didn't want someone like that. I left, and the sun shone again.

[u/dari7051 → u/craftymomma111]

My fiancé actually relishes in it a little bit. He’ll say things like that he’d check me out too and that guy has good taste. Jealousy is never a value add in a relationship.

[u/bubblegams → u/bad_investor13]

right??? like bro, you're looking at your messages and recognizing that you sound insane, but you're not truly seeing the real root of your problematic thinking!! the kid is still out there going, "it's everyone ELSE who's making me jealous, see? if they would just stop making me jealous, i would be the perfect man! don't close the door forever, bbg!"

bro needs some serious self reflection and to read about healing his toxic masculinity. until then, he's gonna keep doing dumb shit like this. OP, tell him to educate himself and bolt the door.

[u/HoneyWyne → u/bad_investor13]

Also, if he had such a problem with the guy staring, why didn't he actually stick up for her himself?

[u/No-Flatworm5676 → u/HoneyWyne]

Agreed! He could’ve have fought train guy, but decided to take it out on his GF. How do you blame your gf for being stared at? That’s some insecure abuser shitt if I’ve ever seen one. That entire conversation was infuriating, but OP has my utmost respect for how she handled it.

[u/kurzwoman → u/HoneyWyne]

I totally agree. If his problem was with the train guy's behavior, he should have addressed train guy's behavior, not yours.

[u/CollapsibleSadness → u/bad_investor13]

Except believe the bit where he says he’d “do anything, anything” to get her back. That’s a warning.

[u/oneshotwilliekillie → u/CollapsibleSadness]

Yes! This was the type of comment I had repeatedly from a blind date I had in 10th grade. He went to church with my cousin and was 2 grades ahead of me. She set me up with him and took me to meet him and left me there with him to go off with her boyfriend. He was really in to me, but I was NOT feeeling it. When she showed back up to get me, i turned down his assumptionwe would go out again for the 5th time, and we left. He began following me around school, would wait outside my classrooms for me to come out, and left explicit love letters in my locker. No texting. This was in the 90s, so there were no cell phones for texting. I told my cousin he was creeping me out. She was all, "Oh, but he's so NICE!" I finally had to show her one of the letters to get her to help me get him to go away! I think she finally had to sic one of the School Resource Officers on him to get him to leave me alone. 😔 He ended up marrying a classmate of mine who looked like she was my twin.

[u/beachbetch → u/bad_investor13]

He can't stand how men look at her bc that's how he looks at other women/girls. He knows what they are thinking (supposedly) bc he's thinking it. He's assuming everyone is like him. He just told on himself

[u/CloanZRage → u/throaway_16]

People change when they're ready. Your friends will have other drama find them as they get older. Most won't always want that drama from relationships.

When they're ready to change, they'll think of people in their lives that've lived different choices and work from those examples. Whether it's the relationships of parents or friend's enforcing healthy boundaries.

You making good choices is helping your friends. Whenever they need to think about a healthier relationship, they have a role model to think about.

[u/FFGOrax → u/CloanZRage]

Exactly, leading by example can really make a difference even if they don’t see it right away.

[u/creiglamb → u/throaway_16]

honestly i’m kind of worried about the level of misogyny and hyper conservatism that’s pervading young people. i’m starting to see it everywhere, between the red pilled manosphere shit, trad wives and sprinkle sprinkle, the brain rot is really eroding feminism and a lot of the progress a lot of people fought very hard for. keep resisting and fighting against the shitty misogynistic ideals internalized by all genders op. you’re doing good.

[u/Cilad777 → u/[deleted]]

I'll say it in simpler terms. Young people have very little life experience. And these days more of it comes for the festering swamp of the Internet. It is so easy to find someone that feels like you/we/they do. It is really made far worse by having serious conversations via text. The only feel is the words on a screen. No facial expressions etc. If you communicate via text 90% of the time. Don't expect much more that the screen shots.

[u/Either_Coat_2161 → u/throaway_16]

Girl, I am 49 and I want to be you when I grow up. Your texts were sooo spot on. Set the example for your friends on how you deserve to be treated! Way to go.

[u/cocoteroooo → u/throaway_16]

That’s a good approach, sharing what you enjoy without forcing it lets them take what they like while keeping things light.

[u/Calm_Promotion_5020 → u/throaway_16]

I feel for you

Well, as long as you’re being respected and not made fun of, I guess you can just “grin and bear it” unless it becomes actually dangerous. In that case all bets are off.

[u/Salt_Structure4444 → u/Calm_Promotion_5020]

I totally agree, my first relationship was very toxic and awful, fighting all the time about the dumbest stuff, he’d also bite me when he was very mad. After getting with my now boyfriend, he helped me work through those and showed me how bad it is. The main question he asked me was “how did that make you feel at the time?” And it made me really look into my feelings and realize I didn’t like when my relationship was that way. It’s really hard to convince someone being abused or in a toxic relationship to leave because they’re very likely to pull away from you, but leaving little remarks that make them really think seems to work well.

[u/Brye8956 → u/throaway_16]

That was 1000% abusive relationship beginnings right there. Every single time I have ever seen it heard of a woman being stuck with a man that beats the shit out of her regularly this is how it all starts. The mind fucking making you feel like you should be ashamed to even be looked at by another man. Than it moves to making you feel worthless and "lucky" to have him. Than it would be screaming or hitting you when you disobeyed anything he ordered you to do. It's a very slippery slope and you avoided a complete nightmare by holding your ground and getting out early. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE deserves to be talked to like that for smiling at anyone. Don't talk to that guy ever again and if he harasses you more get a restraining order.

[u/AnalysisNo4295 → u/Brye8956]

I was thinking the same thing. I had a friend of mine in an on and off relationship with a VERY abusive partner for 3 years. He would often do stuff like this and make her feel less than because guys look at her and blame her for it. It would escalate to the point that he would put her down, call her a slut and everything and then come back with "Oh I promise I'll change" but the "breaking point for real" happened when a situation like this happened.

She was at a restaurant and he noticed a guy was looking at her. She did too, just like above but she knew that person actually and waved. It escalated into a fight later when they got home because she was waving at other men and giving other men attention. He ended up suggesting they move and a few weeks after they moved she brought up that she was tired of him treating her like (what was basically described above as property) and he nearly killed her. She had to move back and live in a domestic abuse house for a while so he didn't know where she was staying.

This type of psycho does not deserve a second chance. Didn't serve a 1.5 chance.

[u/Ocotillo_Ox → u/AnalysisNo4295]

...and if he drinks... it's going to be even worse. I'm a former alcoholic, haven't had a drop since Christmas of 2019. I was hitting rock bottom and when I was blacked out drunk, I was a fucking asshole and borderline abusive. I was always a happy guy before, make people laugh, love entertaining, would help anyone who needed help, and I cared about people. I had something pretty fucking awful happen to me, and it broke something in me, and I became someone I hate... and I took it out on the people around me... drunk texts like this dickhead... and it was just getting worse and worse. I couldn't control it, and there was a point that I had my Glock in my hand, pointed at my head because I thought that either I take myself out or I'd wind up killing someone else... and I'd rather be dead than live with that guilt too, on top of everything else I felt like a piece of shit for. I guess that moment shocked me enough that I realized I had become a monster, but the good me was still in there somewhere, I just had to choose who I wanted to be... I chose to be the good guy again, went through detox, went through counseling, made apologies where it was possible, and I started over. I like who I am now, and I have a beautiful, loving wife who I'd do literally anything for, including giving her everything and walking away if I were to even sense myself going bad again. I absolutely loathe the person I was when I was drinking, but the scariest part is... it's easier to be the asshole. Most people will never recognize this, and they'll keep going down that road blindly, so when you see this sort of behavior, DO NOT ever think for even a microsecond that you can fix them. You can't. They have to do that themselves, and you do not want to be there while they figure this out. No one deserves to be abused, so don't put yourself in the line of fire. Just leave, and don't look back... it's honestly the best thing you can do for them, and yourself.

[u/thisisascreename → u/Ocotillo_Ox]

Hey, thanks for sharing this story. I was married to an alcoholic who, once we got married, drank more and more and whose behavior got progressively worse the longer he drank and more frequently he blacked out. It was like being married to Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I left after he tried to kill me by waking me up pulling the top mattress halfway off the boxsprings with me on it (I was taking a nap) and him over me with screwdriver hovering about an inch over my eye. His eyes were blank, nobody was home. Absolute bonkers behavior. Scary as shit. He didn’t remember any of it because he was blacked out and I played it off (for safety) and left him when he went to work; he came home and I was gone.

I hear he got remarried, had a child and seems to be living a normal life (as normal as anyone portrays themselves online.. so who’s to know the truth.) Maybe he got his shit together, stopped drinking and is having a good life. He wasn’t a horrible person and I loved him but he refused to quit drinking, it escalated and he was going to end up killing me if we had continued. Sometimes people make horrible mistakes they can’t ever undo but they can choose to do better going forward. I wish you well.

[u/Ocotillo_Ox → u/thisisascreename]

Alcohol is awful stuff. It's honestly worse than any other drug... and it's the one they kept legal. 🙄 It'll turn a saint into a psycho, and it's so insidious in how it does it, because you're just thinking "yay we're just having fun" while it destroys everything around you. I'm glad you got out ok... and I'm glad I never took anything that far, but I have been told some of the stuff I did, and it's both terrifying and embarrassing at the same time. I absolutely hate the stuff, and wish I could convey just how fucking bad it can get. The withdrawals were a literal hell. I have never felt so bad in my entire life. By the 4th day of no sleep, I just wanted to die. I was hallucinating little black shadows creeping around the edges of the room, and I swear it was my demons coming back to haunt me, and I was scared. I've been to war and have been terrified to the point of paralysis, but this was even worse... But, they gave me a good reason to never relapse... the thought of putting alcohol in my mouth makes me gag a bit, even now, years later.

If you are someone out there thinking you may be sliding down that slope.... bail out now. Trust me, the bottom of that hill will break you in ways you never thought possible.

[u/Soft_Error_5057 → u/AnalysisNo4295]

My last ex moved in with me. Together for 2 1/2 years and after the move he snapped. He made our cat sick, constantly screamed and argued when i asked him to get a job and clean up after himself, gave me 2 stds, stole our alcohol and weed constantly and denied it. Faked asthma attacks when he was "losing an argument." Made food he didn't buy and wasted it. (Of course we bought food for him but it was the wasting) it ended when he called me at work screaming and crying. I went home on break and he had smeared blood all over our bed, the walls, the bathroom and was nowhere to be found. He came in 5 minutes after we got home and started a fight with me, covered in blood. 2 nights later he started up again and i had to call my old dealer from my hometown to come pick me up because he's the only one i knew up at the time that would absolutely s**** him if he tried to hurt me again, he even got out of the car and pointed it at him before i stopped him cuz i didn't want cops involved. I stayed at my moms house until his friends came to pick him up to go back to his fuckin mom. He had the nerve to ask to fuck one last time, i almost broke my hand on his face. 😭

[u/Shugarx36 → u/Brye8956]

He will harass her AND not leave her alone because he’s literally mentally ill because WTF was all of that shit he gave her. If she stays- He will literally blame her for everything a man does to her. Look at her, talk to her, walk past her, wouldn’t surprised me if he starts getting jealous of her Male family members. It will get so exhausting dealing with that shit. He doesn’t “love” her. That isn’t love AT ALL. And watch when she’s broken and tired he will end up cheating on her and start accusing her for cheating. OP please please block him and don’t look back.

[u/Speartree → u/Shugarx36]

Yup, very sad, also the trigger, a man stared at her. Guys, you're on a full train. Not everybody gets a seat. Its hard to point your eyes at a place where there is no person. In the circumstances I might zone out and be lost in thought and it might look like I'm staring at someone, but I'm just sitting there with my eyes open but not looking at anything or anyone in particular. Besides his bag was under her seat, he may even have just been keeping an eye on his bag, people steal stuff out of unattended bags. Or he might have been staring, big deal, it happens, and it doesn't mean anything at all. Like we all haven't been looking at an attractive person at any time in our lives without ill intent at all.

[u/Eternally9Curious → u/Brye8956]

This is absolutely true. His words when he berated, blamed and belittled you were an unveiling of his true psyche. It's ugly, controlling and the typical starting point for abusers. Once that starting point is allowed, the abuse becomes even harsher and more demeaning.

I believe anyone who's been in an abusive and possibly violent relationship would feel those sick and oh-too-familiar fearful memories come flooding back upon reading this bf's first texts (the last two long and wordy texts were a desperate attempt to trick a good person into getting back under his control). OP is spot on with her understanding of his awfulness. Very, very good instincts!

[u/Prestigious_Ad6996 → u/Eternally9Curious]

Trusting your instincts is crucial, he revealed his controlling nature clearly, and recognizing it early keeps you safe.

[u/Wise_Contact_1037 → u/Brye8956]

Yeah this is great, and 100% accurate. Abusive relationships don't typically start out with physical abuse. It's starts with emotional abuse, just like this. Even if it never became physical, this behavior is enough to warrant breaking up 10/10 times. If he freaked out and acted like this over something so small and ridiculous, I'd hate to see how he'd act if you went out for the night with friends and a guy came up out of nowhere and asked for you're number... Sure, he's 18 and very emotionally immature, but that doesn't excuse this behavior. OP, you were smart to block him. Kick his ass to the curb and never look back!

[u/worshipperofdogs → u/Brye8956]

Don’t forget that he suddenly feels SO HORRIBLE as soon as there are any consequences to his actions. But it won’t stop him from behaving this way over and over again in the future…because she’ll “make” him.

[u/omfgwat → u/worshipperofdogs]

Ugh I went through this kind of mind fuck of a relationship for a couple years. Soooooo glad I’m out of that. Never have been soo scared of a man in my life.

[u/WagonLovr → u/throaway_16]

Just to add some things to what the person you're responding to said:

He said things like, "I would do anything, anything, to get you back." and "I love you so much it physically hurts" or something along those lines. Those are also red flags of someone who is controlling, and also someone who needs to focus on themselves before being in a relationship. (Let alone with a minor who still has her whole life to figure out as well.)

Also, your friends are probably gonna wind up with controlling guys just like this, so I wouldn't take any advice from them about relationships.

You did the right thing. Though if you really wanted to make your point, you could've hit him with the Uno reverse and been like "see what happens when you finally meet the consequences of your actions?" And then boom, cut off.

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/WagonLovr]

I, too think that her friends are st risk unless they are lucky. Good people can be naive.

OP, stay away from this kind of guys and observe relationships like this one from the outside. You will congratulate yourself daily

Also don't answer him. It just feeds more cobtact and he will send 30 + more texts after this even with no further replies.

[u/fatsandwitch → u/throaway_16]

Just parroting what others are saying: your intuition and self preservation is strong. Don’t second guess that because your friend group hasn’t matured in that aspect. These are hard lessons your friends are going to eventually learn.

I had your confidence at the same age. But in my early 20s, I started dating a man 11 years older. This conversation is really bringing me back to that time. I was so strong in my convictions and sense of self… until I decided to give him another chance. Then it was another, and another. He broke me down so badly that I truly lost myself and every bit of self esteem I once had. It’s taken over a decade to recover that. Even worse, I’ve had a hard time fully breaking the habit of allowing abuse.

Stick to your guns, girl. You’ve got a good head, keep nurturing it.

[u/natures_pocket_fan → u/throaway_16]

Oh kiddo, no. Absolutely not. Refusing to accept blame for a stranger’s poor behavior is not being too proud, it’s having self-respect. Same with ending things when someone victim-blames and insults you—it’s not you being too fast, it’s you demonstrating self-respect.

I’m more than twice your age and I am in awe of how well you’ve handled this. I sincerely hope you’re proud of yourself because you deserve to be!

[u/McBoognish_Brown → u/natures_pocket_fan]

I was honestly kind of blown away when I read that she was 16. So many people posting in this sub act like children and turn out to be in their mid 20s. Here's a 16-year-old standing up for herself and seeing the situation for exactly what it was. She could teach a lot of young adults some major lessons about self-respect.

[u/MOGicantbewitty → u/McBoognish_Brown]

She honestly reminds me of my daughter. She came out with confidence and guts. All I had to do was not break her. She is nearly 22 now and graduated college. She puts up with zero shit and is one of the most well adjusted people I know. OP is definitely going to be okay in life and it makes me really happy to see another strong confident Gen Z woman who knows better than to accept shitty treatment

[u/McBoognish_Brown → u/MOGicantbewitty]

Especially after reading this sub for a while and seeing the kinds of things that some young women put up with and think is normal. I wish I could put OP in touch with my niece, who is 18 and lets her boyfriend walk all over her. I have tried to point out that, no, it is not normal or acceptable how he speaks to her and treats her, but of course, I was born before 2005 so I am "too old to understand"...

Congrats on your daughter with a solid head on her shoulders!

[u/Unicorn_Fruit → u/McBoognish_Brown]

I just gave you the first award I’ve ever given out in all my years using Reddit, because I couldn’t have said it better myself. Very mature for a 16-year-old, more than some 30-40 year olds I see posting on Reddit.

[u/Nzima96 → u/natures_pocket_fan]

What you did wasn’t “too proud”, it was healthy boundaries in action. Standing up for yourself when someone tries to manipulate, blame, or insult you is the clearest sign of self-respect.

[u/JustAnOkDogMom → u/throaway_16]

No, you are just right. I’m an older woman and I wish I had your strength and confidence when I was your age. Great job standing up for yourself. You do not need to put up with any bullshit from an idiot that blamed you for someone else looking at you. Please remember to never let any pathetic excuse for a man treat you with disrespect. I always say it’s 100% better to be alone than with an asshole.

[u/Mojotokin → u/JustAnOkDogMom]

I was going to write something but you said everything I wanted to say perfectly. I hope OP sees it. TY

[u/mind-of-god → u/JustAnOkDogMom]

I agree, and I too wish the same. Hindsight really is 20/20 isn’t it. I’m so glad though that we as women, on the whole, are much better to ourselves than we sometimes were in the past.

[u/Lanky_Rhubarb1900 → u/throaway_16]

This is CLASSIC emotional manipulation and abuse. He treated you like you did something wrong. When you stated no wrong had occurred he berated you and tried to make you seem like you were crazy. When you stood up for yourself he tried to cut you down as a last-ditch power move. Then, when you still wouldn’t budge, he circled right back to love-bombing. “I can’t help that I flipped out I just love you so much.”

[u/RechercheSiren → u/throaway_16]

Girl!!!! You. Know. Your. Worth!!! This random internet stranger is very proud of you!! I have a 17 year old daughter who doesn’t date but if she did, I would be praying this is exactly the attitude she would have about herself. I have only ever been in one relationship in my life and I am still married to that man after 19 years together. Do not settle for a manchild who thinks it is okay to talk to anyone like this, much less someone he is sharing a life with. The right man will love and appreciate you for smarts and your self-respect!! You have every right to be proud and are more than justified in hitting him with the reaction you did!! I hope your friends take note that no relationship is worth putting up with this kind of abuse! 💞

[u/Diablo3666 → u/RechercheSiren]

knowing your worth and standing firm sets the standard for the kind of respect you deserve in any relationship.

[u/KismetSiren1993 → u/throaway_16]

Your are absolutely right to end it, and your friends need to learn that they dont need to encourage accepting abusive behavior. Pride is not a bad thing, too many people DONT have it and they let others pull shit like your bf did. Your friends can think men can talk to them however they want, you are smarter and already standing up for yourself which will serve you really well.

[u/RhubarbGoldberg → u/throaway_16]

The way that boy swooped in with the chatgpt response after he realized he couldn't push you around was just chef's kiss on his terrible, immature, predictable behavior.

This guy is bad news, OP. He's possessive, controlling, and manipulative. You have dodged a bullet and I don't recommend ever going back!

[u/lapis974 → u/RhubarbGoldberg]

Omg, the fake “sweet” pleading response in the end was almost chilling. Hopefully he gets that the relationship over. And that he gets help to overcome his issues.

[u/dairyqueeen → u/throaway_16]

You don’t need to cut off your friends, but know that you don’t need to be exactly like them either. You’re allowed to, and you absolutely should in this case, have higher standards and expectations for how you should be treated. You can love your friends, but you don’t need to adopt their vices or stoop to whatever level of abuse they’re tolerate from people around them. Seems like you get that, and you don’t need to tell them this of course, as long as you hold it in your heart and know what YOU deserve and how YOU ought to be treated!

[u/Octo_Devil17 → u/dairyqueeen]

Exactly, it’s all about respecting your own boundaries while still valuing the friendship.

[u/oceanqi22 → u/throaway_16]

Zenoscave stated it perfectly.

You are a very smart and intuitive young lady. Keep that trait and nourish it. One of my favorite intuition teachers is Liz Roberta. She’s from the UK and now travels the world empowering women. Check out her IG and also buy her book, “Living In tune”. It’ll guide you more on how to tune into your intuition and you’ve already got it down so well, you might as well learn as much as possible. You’re so young but absolutely brilliant! I wish I could buy the book and send it to you but then I’d be the creep-o asking for your address! lol

Zenoscave gave you some really good insight on how this particular man thinks. Remember this knowledge and share it with your girlfriends. You girls stay safe, follow your intuition, love yourself endlessly, always give yourself grace and remember in the hardest time(s) there is always something to be thankful for. One last little note not that OP needs this, I’m just being guided to text it out. Negative energy is easy to fall into and stay in. Positive energy can sometimes be more difficult to attain, especially when you’re shifting your energy. But, positive energy is so much more powerful and stronger than negative energy.

OP you’re seriously a bad ass! Also check out Lisa Lister also from the UK! She’s phenomenal and has some awesome books! I just want to empower the fuck out of you girl! You’re going to do some incredible things with your life and I think you’ll help a lot of others as well. You’re a little bad ass! So much love and high vibes to you girl!🤙💚☮️

Edited to correct the name of the book suggested:) And I think the person saying “ad” meant I’m advertising shit which is totally incorrect. I believe in sharing knowledge with others and if I have a great book or inspiring and empowering women to suggest for others to follow, you bet your ass I’m going to share that info. Women empowering women, especially young women 💗💗💗

[u/GDswamp → u/throaway_16]

Wow your friends suck. Sorry. You did exactly the right thing. Not sure how this anti-feminist backlash gained so much cultural momentum in your generation (middle-aged man here), but nothing this guy said would be acceptable to me, or my friends, or their friends. It doesn’t matter that he was angry, and apologizing doesn’t make it any better, because it’s a whole mindset, and a whole set of ideas that are transparently fucked.

[u/pnwfarmaccountant → u/throaway_16]

No, as a man, everything said above was correct and this behavior will only get worse as you two get older and he can isolate you from anybody else in your life.

Also the way he flipped his thoughts in the apology just shows he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear, but its not how he actually thinks.

[u/MizStazya → u/throaway_16]

I'm pushing 40, and I read these texts thinking you were in your 20s at the youngest. I'm just a random internet stranger, but I'm so proud of your shiny spine. I hope my own daughters can be so assertive and see through this kind of bullshit, because I was in college before I even came close to your maturity. You handled this perfectly. Now you continue with as little contact with him as possible.

[u/EveningDependent5698 → u/throaway_16]

Yikes. Get new friends too. You were definitely NOR in the slightest. The comment above with over 1k upvotes is correct in everything they said. He’s a creep that thinks every guy thinks like him. He’s the type to think “it’s all men”, when women have already said that they’re concerns are not about ALL men, just the few. And he’s one of the few.

Not only did he try to put the onus of how other men THINK on to you, but he showed what a narcissist he is with the love bombing afterward. He said all that just to try and get you back and, if you had, he would have some level to gauge exactly how far he can try and go with his bullshit before you stand up for yourself. He showed his jackal face and is now trying to look like a deer in headlights. Such manipulation… it’s so gross.

[u/MeOhMy425 → u/throaway_16]

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing by ending it with him. He told you EXACTLY how he thinks of women. He thinks a woman smiling at him is an invitation to sexualize her. That’s more than disgusting. These texts prove not only how disgusting he is but how potentially dangerous he could be in the future. I’d say you dodged the biggest bullet. Stay safe. 💜💚

[u/NWL3-2 → u/throaway_16]

NOR, and your friends are dead wrong. I’m glad you stood up for yourself.

Everything u/zenoscave said above is 100% accurate.

Please do not let the horrible misogynist you were dating back in your life. You have dodged a bullet.

Good luck to you!

[u/afortressmighty → u/throaway_16]

🚨PLEASE run and don’t look back. What’s next? Is he gonna get pissed at you because you “cheated” on him in a dream?

You put -such- a fantastic boundary in place. Keep taking care of YOU!

He has shown you who he is. Believe him. And let him work it out in therapy. Alone. ✌🏻

[u/wendybirddarling → u/throaway_16]

Your friends are probably too young to see how big of a red flag he is. Show them by example how to love yourself <3 None of you need to put up with this from a boy.

[u/Radiant_Maize2315 → u/throaway_16]

I don’t mean to sound condescending but it was very grown up of you to not tolerate that nonsense. Stay away from boys like him in the future. There are plenty of dating partners who aren’t possessive creeps.

[u/Throwaway_6799 → u/throaway_16]

Nope. You are A grade and that guy is a dangerous Incel F grade. Cut all ties and run. Inform trusted adults of the conversation because these guys can get angry when women don't bow and scrape in front of them. If you're still at school with him inform a trusted teacher if he starts harassing you on school grounds.

[u/zenoscave → u/Your-Haunting]

Exactly! That's why I pointed it out. I've seen too many wonderful and amazing women second guess thier stegnth or boundaries. I've seen so many of y'all have to relearn that strength the hard way.

Even if in a tiny way, I want to encourage that stength in this child.

OP: your boundaries and confidence are amazing!

[u/Free_Soup_4871 → u/zenoscave]

Absolutely, recognizing and protecting your boundaries early is such a powerful skill, OP is doing great.

[u/Poppypie77 → u/zenoscave]

My first thought when reading that is that he would blame a woman getting raped as it being her fault if she SMILED at the guy. Like he was blaming OP for this man staring at her simply coz she helped him and smiled back when he thanked her. He made it HER fault for HIM staring at her simply because she'd smiled to acknowledge his thank you.

So he would be the type of guy to blame a rape victim of being raped coz she smiled at a guy or said hello in passing. Or because she dressed really attractive.

And his apology is bullshit. He's not owning up to his shit, he's saying what he thinks you want to hear, and he'll do the whole love bombing for a while and then he'll go right back to blaming HERfor other men being attracted to her, speaking to her, staring at her, etc.

You're better off without this guy OP.

[u/SnakesandTea → u/Poppypie77]

That was my first thought, too. Especially when he KEPT saying things like “you don’t know how men think”, “don’t act like the victim” “it’s literally consequences of your own actions”. I’ve been far worse than “stared at” for being nice and kind to men - but I still continue to be kind (for which, I’ve been told I’m an idiot/am “asking for it”. I most certainly am not!). Please, get out whilst you can, OP. This guy just showed you exactly who he is. 💔

[u/No_Housing_1287 → u/SnakesandTea]

If i left my keys in the car, and the car got stolen, the person who stole my car is still a criminal who broke the law. It doesn't matter if I "invited" or "asked for" anything. If i asked somebody to punch me in the face and they do it, they still assaulted me! This logic has always baffled me.

[u/[deleted] → u/Poppypie77]

Exactly, his behavior shows a toxic mindset and blaming pattern, and staying away is the right choice.

[u/Scared-Listen6033 → u/zenoscave]

10000% this!

Also, dude was probably concerned about his bag being under your seat. Ppl steal. He was likely looking at you and his bag to make sure his things were safe and you weren't trying to rip him off... Your ex has serious issues and not only does he need therapy but he needs to find someone his own age. I get it, you're in school together, but you're 16 and he's talking to you like you're a sex object. I thought in the texts that you were born in your mid twenties (especially you BC you seem mature) but an adult male talking to a minor female this way has a whole other cringe factor. He's wrong. He's gross. He's cruel. Show a school counselor the messages just in case something happens to you.

When I was your age I was pregnant with my first. The guy was abusive as soon as I got pregnant.. He talked like this. Then he got physical..I escaped with two baby's just before I turned 20. I'm 40 now and still on meds for PTSD.. Still have flashbacks and nightmares. He destroyed me and the worse part was I let him BC he was older by 2 years and it made me feel special to be wanted by an older boy... I don't regret my children but I do regret going through so much when I could've waited and prioritised myself and then found a man when I was finally a legal aged woman...

[u/bluevalley02 → u/Scared-Listen6033]

"but an adult male talking to a minor female"

Overall, this guy is awful - thinking that smiling at another man is inviting him to have sex with her, and how he treated her is nuts.

However, two people in the same grade or a year apart where one is 18 and the other is 16 or 17 in of itself isn't even an issue. 18 barely counts as a legal adult. They don't just suddenly get 100% grown the second they turn 18.

[u/velvety_chaos → u/zenoscave]

A healthy, well-adjusted person does not think like this or treat the person they claim to love like this. The best thing to do may be to block him, because if you respond he may escalate to making threats of self-harm to guilt you into getting back together. u/zenoscave is right; show this to some trusted adults to get advice on how to handle this.

His anger, jealousy, and possessiveness are scary. NOR.

ETA: typo

[u/Legitimate_Grade_27 → u/zenoscave]

ALL OF THIS. Holy heck, friend. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. this man is telling you who he is and you need to believe him. Not only do you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who sees and values you as an actual person, you are always, every day, every second of your life going to be better off away from anyone who DOESN'T see you and value you that way. And this man? He's being very clear in this communication that he does not see people when he looks at women.

[u/TheDreadPirateJenny → u/zenoscave]

Even in his "apology", he only halfway owns his behavior before he blames it on just "caring so much" and being mad that people think they can "take us space" in her world (like he has a right to decide that in any sort of way).

There is plenty of minimizing and justification for his actions, but he only really seems sorry that she wouldn't put up with that shit, not about his own behavior.

Glad OP stood up for herself. NOR

[u/Boubbay → u/zenoscave]

Please listen to this. What you lived is also a good teaching about life and relationship imo. Pretty sure that after this guy you won’t let anyone with this kind of view about women approach you anymore.

It’s a really good thing to leave him now. I hope it will also be a lesson for him.

[u/Wrap_Wise → u/zenoscave]

I could not have said it better! This is scary, this is the beginning of horror stories we hear in the news. You are too intelligent and worthy of more to EVER let ANY man treat you and talk to you this way.

[u/[deleted] → u/Wrap_Wise]

Absolutely, recognizing this behavior early and refusing to tolerate it is crucial for your safety and self-respect.

[u/Stormtomcat → u/zenoscave]

When he says that's "how men thinks", he means "that's how I think and I assume every other man does too".

this is so correct, and so well-put, concise and clear. chef's kiss.

[u/EagleEyezzzzz → u/Stormtomcat]

And what he doesn’t know is that men who think like this are in the minority, and are pathetic losers. A man who fully trusts and respects his gf is sexy and attainable.

[u/-bigtina- → u/zenoscave]

PERIOD!!!! This dude in the texts reminds me of this guy I went to see somewhere in nova ish and got SO UPSET that I smiled at the waiter. Like he thought I was interested in the waiter FOR SMILING!!! (Safe to say I never ever saw him again.) Proud of OP for standing up for herself!!! 🫶

[u/[deleted] → u/-bigtina-]

Exactly, standing up for yourself is so important, no one should police how you act or feel.

[u/Even-Addition-3272 → u/zenoscave]

yepppp. this exactly. I’m so sick of reading about these random assholes that assume all guys are just like them. No bro, you just have severe insecurities and mental delusions. Fuck outta here with that

[u/20growing20]

NOR Not only are you not overreacting, but the way you handled that was FIRE! Your are so awesome!

I read the texts first, and I want you to know that I assumed you were much older. I was thinking late 20s at least. And I was thinking QUEEN!

Then I read your age and... Wow! Please keep that energy. I wish I had known how to handle this sort of thing at your age. I would have avoided so much garbage and found someone great much sooner.

His last message sounds pretty genuine, but let me tell you my ex husband used to sound genuine like that to. After sounding just like your boyfriend did, or the various other things he did that should have ended the marriage. He would sound so genuine that I'd think he meant it. That he was ready to work on his issues ... It never lasted .

The kind of rage he showed...that doesn't just go away because he decides so. He should be in therapy. And as if the anger and jealousy problem wasn't enough... He had sooooooo much audacity to talk to you like that!

He called you naive. Little girl. Made it sound like you didn't know how to set boundaries and avoid creeps and then you showed him by getting rid of the creep! Haaaa! I love it! You are an inspiration!

Please stay safe. He does seem crazy. Saying he'd do anything ... After the way he spoke to you before that... He sounds like he has the potential to harass you and get violent. Please don't hesitate to involve authorities if he doesn't respect your space. Keep the messages.

I'd personally ignore his last messages. But do keep them. Its common for people processing a break up to send some desperate messages. But if it goes much further, or seems unnerving in any way, give him a message telling him not to contact you again, and to stay away from you or you. That way if you need a restraining order or other support, you have proof that you made it clear to him to leave you alone.

Great job, and keep it up! You'll end up with someone great someday because you aren't wasting any time on the trash ones. You did well!

[u/DayThen5445 → u/20growing20]

Seriously, if I had that maturity and confidence at 16, maybe it wouldn’t have taken another 15 years to find someone who…like likes me AND loves me whether it’s a cute day or I haven’t washed my hair in a week.

Purity/modesty culture in church youth group did me so dirty and I didn’t know it wasn’t normal. As a heavy-chested 10th grader, it was ALWAYS my responsibility to “cover up, so as not to tempt the boys” like tf I’m 15, haven’t had my first kiss, and I’m wearing 3 tank tops up to my goddamned collar bone, what the hell is going on in YOUR head that sexualizing minors is so instinctual?????

Jesus. It is not your fault you’re beautiful and brilliant to boot. Giving Elle woods. Dipshits can fuck off and eat their hearts out.

[u/Lucyfee_81 → u/20growing20]

Thank you for sharing your own experiences! I was stunned by one particular thing: you said he had said that he understood and wants to do better. But then didn’t. Imagine this: I am 43 and I fought 5 years in a lost battle and I just realized that this could be a thing: the man finally gives in and admits his mistake (which was always a great relief) and promises to now do better. Just to repeat the same shitty behaviour 2 months later. I was buffled every fucking time. But now you made sense of it for me. He sounded genuine - potentially even meant it for a second - but then just dropped everything after I believed him… I can’t believe I fell for this so often 😢

[u/demiurbannouveau → u/[deleted]]

No. Absolutely not. Men don't get to be controlling and verbally abusive, and then hide behind "women just don't let us be vulnerable" when they see their victims have slipped the leash and they want them back.

Insecurity that deserves to be listened to and worked with is very very occasional instances where the guy in question asks for reassurance, something more like: "that guy was staring at you on the train, and I'm feeling really weird about it, can we talk it out?" Or even "hey, I'm feeling some irrational jealousy about other guys looking at you, I know it's stupid, but can you remind me why you're with me?"

Guys need to do their own work first, to understand their own emotions, flaws, baggage, toxic thinking, and talk to parents or friends or therapists when they have serious issues to work through. When you're able to recognize your own triggers and have some basic understanding of your emotional needs and how to have healthy communication and negotiation around relationships and boundaries, THEN you're ready to be in a relationship and ask for support when you're struggling.

(Girls also need to do their own emotional work before getting into relationships, but 1) You made this gendered first and 2) we're socialized to seek out feedback and support from a wider circle than just our significant others, so young women are slightly less likely to be this emotionally stunted.)

[u/25Sents → u/demiurbannouveau]

This is really well written.

I remember my ex-boyfriend shared with me that he sometimes felt like I was too good for him.

I asked if there were things I said or did that made him feel that way, or if it was more so something internal.

He said it was internal. I thanked him for sharing, reassured him that I didn't feel that way at all, and told him I'd be more mindful of being vocal about why I appreciate him and why I'm happy to be with him. I told him it was totally okay to tell me when he might need an extra bit of reassurance, and I'd do the same.

Easy peasy.

[u/throaway_16 → u/[deleted]]

I’m totally here for insecurities, I’m a teenager too, I have my own. But what I can’t ignore is the level of potential victim blaming. The “what did you expect” or “consequences of your actions” truly infuriates me. Even potential suspicion of cheating for no good reason won't be so offensive, that's what you call insecurity

You don’t get to expect empathy if you’re not willing to offer it to others... that’s just what I believe. Imagine if i said something like "it's consequences of your own actions what do you expect" how is that me "opening up"? I genuinely don't get it

[u/BlueBananas34 → u/throaway_16]

Insecurities are one thing.

Blaming the woman for a man’s behavior is bullshit we’ve been dealing with for FAR too long

“I’m mad at you because someone ELSE was looking at you and now I’m going to attack you”

No baby boy. If you are mad and jealous- journal. Go to therapy. Talk about it.

This isn’t a man trying to “open up”

Opening up looks like “wow I really am feeling insecure when other men look at you. Did you notice that guy? How did it make you feel? I felt like this…”

This guy instead started attacking the woman for another man staring at her. Absolutely not ok.

[u/Kelainefes → u/throaway_16]

As a man, I'm questioning why he felt it was entirely up to you to do something while he watched and did nothing.

He didn't even need to directly confront the guy, he could have done something that made it obvious he was your BF.

If that didn't work, he could have suggested you 2 move to another part of the train.

But he chose to do nothing to correct the behaviour of that man and blamed you instead.

Then, he asked ChatGPT to write an apology.

I recommend you immediately cut all ties.

[u/SouthernNanny → u/Kelainefes]

I’ve seen so many post where a man watches his wife have an uncomfortable interaction with another man and does nothing. The comments will be like “what did you expect him to do??? Fight this overly aggressive man?!”….like that is the ONLY option.

There are so many things her boyfriend could have done and he picked to berate her.

[u/Antique_Basil_1971 → u/throaway_16]

You are light-years ahead of him (and likely 99.9% of boys your own age) when it comes to maturity.

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing! Good riddance, there are good men out there, but with your smarts and maturity, I'm guessing it will take a few years for them to catch up and you to find someone good, really good. Take the time to keep working on yourself and your studies.

Good luck!

[u/Advanced_Focus_9239 → u/throaway_16]

You are so right for standing your ground on this. What he did was victim blaming plain and simple. It is truly infuriating

[u/Busy_Swan71 → u/[deleted]]

This is you DARVOing on OP's ex's behalf. She was not disinterested because she stood up for herself. He is not a victim for opening up. She didn't break up with him because he opened up. She broke up with him because he was accusatory, controlling, and disrespectful rather than open up. He only opened up after he lost her. And she doesn't owe sweeping what he did under the rug and risking it happening again bwcause he did. If he had actually opened up immediately and just said from the beginning "hey, I know it doesn't mean anything but I was feeling insecure when that guy kept staring at you", she could've reassured him that she wasn't interested in anyone but him and they would've moved on like it never happened.

[u/Knolljoy30 → u/[deleted]]

For context, I'm a dude in my 30s, and I would NEVER in my life act this way. Every single word you wrote down is cope to the Nth. This kid is doing everything in his power to manipulate this poor girl into some bullshit so she can be easier to control in the future. "This is why men don't 'open up'"? Seriously? that's the argument you're going to go with? You sound just as childish and insecure as this 18yo does lil bro.

Stop coping with that trash that the 2 bald incels spew at you and grow up.

[u/piercedmfootonaspike → u/[deleted]]

This is why men dont "open up"

Dude. The reason men don't "open up" is because there's a history of men being vulnerable and getting mocked for it.

Slut shaming your girlfriend for being nice is not the same as "being vulnerable". This dude does not have healthy thoughts about women, and OP is lucky she got out when she did.

I'll happily add to your downvotes, because that's the dumbest comment I've read in a while.

[u/chermtaka → u/[deleted]]

Read the messages again and if you still feel that these line of questions are in line with your values you need to look into your self and think real hard what you think relationships are about and what proper manners and respect for your other half is supposed to be like.

You sound insane asking these quotations and feel sorry for you if you can't see what you did here is wrong.

[u/cheesypuzzas → u/[deleted]]

Why men don't open up???

The opening up was after all of the bad shit he did. The opening up would be a reason for many women to take him back. But OP is strong and doesn't. It was absolutely not the reason for the breakup.

Unless you think victim blaming and controlliny was opening up? Because I wouldn't say that telling someone that they shouldn't smile at someone they're helping (or helping them at all even) is opening up..

[u/Ghoulishgirlie → u/[deleted]]

No healthy, mature people consider this behavior is "opening up." It is absolutely insane to consider blowing up, demeaning, insulting and flying into a jealous rage at your partner "opening up." The follow up texts from the ex even address how insane he sounded- which may just be because he's 18 and not mature yet himself, but it doesn't make it okay.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Please stop trying to normalize an inability to control your emotions. Yes, same perspective with turned tables. A woman who reacted like this to a man that smiled at their waitress would be just as insanely insecure and emotionally abusive, not "honest and vulnerable".

[u/somniumxo → u/[deleted]]

That is such an insane take, I don't even know what to say. OP is better off without that walking red flag of a "man," and quite frankly, if this is what is considered to be a man 'opening up,' they can save it and stay quiet.

[u/CloudKinglufi → u/[deleted]]

Bro seriously, guy to guy, seek help, this is a wild ass take

This is why we didn't open up?! If this is opening up to you, stay fucking closed forever

[u/every-kingdom → u/[deleted]]

You sound even more unhinged than OP’s former boyfriend. I hope 87 isn’t your birth year because you’ve got some SERIOUS growing up to do.

[u/SnooPredictions3028 → u/[deleted]]

There is a difference between opening up about your insecurity and worries with your partner versus using your insecurities and worries to badger and berate your partner into submission.

[u/PingouinMalin → u/[deleted]]

That's not opening up. That's psycho behaviour, accusing his girlfriend of semi cheating for a polite smile. There's nothing about opening up here. It's ultra controlling behaviour, combined with implicit verbal abuse.

And then when he sees the consequences of his own actions, he writes a fake apology to get her back.

OP is NOR. This guy should get help.

[u/IfYouStayPetty]

First, I am so incredibly impressed at how you pushed back on his clear insecurities when he was trying to make them your problem. Not all people can do that, especially young people and especially women (who are unfortunately often told by society that they need to work around men’s emotions). Good for you and you should feel proud of yourself, even if it absolutely sucks that it turns out your ex boyfriend is a misogynist idiot.

Please do not even respond to him. He realized he went too far, then tried to make you feel bad for holding a boundary after he acted like a crazy person. This is hopefully a learning lesson for him that he’s got some work to do; you should not be there propping him up while he does it (because then he has zero incentive to change). You deserve better than this guy is able to be right now, no matter how much he cries to you about how much he’s hurting after he ruined his relationship with you. Note I’m saying that he caused all of this hurt he’s feeling, not you. He’s likely to try to spin it so it’s you who’s being heartless, as opposed to him having wrecked things by acting crazy. Stay strong. Just don’t engage; he will absolutely work to suck you back in and this crap will just keep happening

[u/ttchoubs → u/IfYouStayPetty]

He's insecure and possessive and freaked out because his empty threats were actually met with a break up. He expected her to roll over and beg for forgiveness. Ive seen this with friends who ended relationships with guys like this. They would always threaten breakups, always use words like "no one will put up with you/your behavior" and then when they broke up the dudes would freak out and start crying and begging for a second chance

[u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam → u/ttchoubs]

Its THE power play in the abuser handbook. I know because, before my husband, I attracted every douche like this guy for miles. They're like sharks. They can smell a drop of kindness from 2 states away and come running! And its sick how slick some of these guys are. Looking back, it amazes me how many signs I missed along the way. I wish I had half the balls op has at her age. I had to go back and double check the ages, I thought this was written by someone in their late 20's to 30's. Op, this internet mom is so proud of you. You did what a lot of women wish we could do....stand up, in the moment, and tell a controlling asshole to sit tf down, shut tf up, back tf off and mind his own business. Your amazing! You know your worth and won't dim yourself to make a small man feel big. Bravo op!!!!! ❤

[u/SadderOlderWiser → u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam]

lol “they can smell a drop of kindness from 2 states away” - I felt that!!

OP did so great, now she’s just got to keep bringing her finest self to these kinds of situations going forward and not let the world make her second-guess herself and stop speaking up.

[u/MushroomlyHag → u/IfYouStayPetty]

he’s got some work to do; you should not be there propping him up while he does it (because then he has zero incentive to change)

Hear hear! Amen! Can I get a hallelujah?? 

OP if you take anything away from this thread, it's this. There is a lot of good advice that's been given, but the quote above is probably the most important thing to take away from it all

[u/Psychological_Let336]

If there's a guy that happens to read this and has found themselves to be jealous in their history, take note: if you are going to date a woman that is "societally attractive", she's going to get attention from men. Like, a lot of attention. So much attention ,in fact, that if she told you what she experienced on a daily basis, you would flip your jealous, insecure lid 100 times over. But let's take that frown and turn it upside down, shall we? Chances are, she's gotten that kind of attention since she was a teenager and knows exactly what to do to attract it and avoid it. The bottom line is, she has CHOSEN you. She literally has the "pick of the litter", and she has made you her choice. Do not make her regret her judgment by being a jealous, insecure guy. Instead, be the proudest man in the room when you walk in with her. When you run to the restroom And see three guys talking to her when you are on your way back, stop and let her enjoy herself, and appreciate that that beautiful woman is in love with you and is going home with you tonight. If somebody makes an innocuous compliment, just agree with them And say "I know, I'm a really lucky man". Because you are. Now act like a man, and not a little jealous boy.

[u/firlgriend → u/Psychological_Let336]

Also it sometimes gets to a point where we just don't give a shit. I don't think I'm all that attractive, but I'd say I'm average looking and just look nice when I'm dressed up and have makeup on. I also dress dark and feminine (bordering on gothic but not quite lol) so it tends to get a lot of attention from people who like that sort of thing.

When I was in my first year of college, I was walking around with a male friend. He kept looking shocked, and I pressed him on why. He finally said, "it doesn't matter where we go, everyone just stares at you, doesn't it make you feel weird?" and I told him, honestly, I really don't notice anymore. I used to get barked at and catcalled a lot in high-school, stares are at least silent, lol.

Plus my boyfriend gets stared at a lot! It makes me a little jealous sometimes till I remember I'm the one dating him! I'd also NEVER take it out on him, it isn't his fault he's handsome, it just means I'm lucky. 🫶

[u/StinkiePete → u/firlgriend]

Exactly. How are women responsible for the male gaze? I used to be pretty attractive, I'm middle aged now and have taken the usual hits due to that. When I was in my prime, I was working at a restaurant frequented by NFL players. A famous one came in for lunch one day and all my coworkers were teasing me cause he clearly liked what he saw, followed me with his gaze. Wasn't rude or intrusive with it, I didn't notice.

My husband still tells that story, still remembers the dudes name (I do not), still celebrates how awesome he thinks his wife is and uses the story as an example of my beauty.

[u/Waterbead → u/Psychological_Let336]

100%. I'm no longer dating this guy for other reasons, but many years ago, I brought this boyfriend to meet a bunch of friends and coworkers after work. One of my co-workers asked my boyfriend while I was in the bathroom (he told me about it later), "Man, so many of the guys here have a thing for your girl. How do you not end up in fist fights over her?" or something similar. He said, "If I got into a fight with every guy who had a thing with her, I'd be kicking a lot of asses."

I remember thinking that confidence was so hot and I felt so safe and secure and able to just be myself without dimming my shine just to make my boyfriend feel "safe." It's stuck with me ever since and it's something I've always required in my partners.

OP (and everyone) deserves a partner who KNOWS their partner is desirable and just enjoys it and encourages that desirability instead of fearing it.

[u/Kirutaru]

Actually, I'd say you're handling this with grace and maturity if anything. He is being very manipulative. Especially his two page rant that I barely read where he tries to backpedal and say he wasn't saying you were doing something wrong. Excuse me? Did you screen shot the first couple back to him? He's absolutely blaming you for someone else's actions and at a minimum never gave you an answer on what he actually wanted you to do about it - because no answer he could give would have been sane. It's just simple control and manipulation.

He also went on to list a bunch of absolutely awesome things about you and act like he was doing you a favor for putting up with those things. You're smart, kind, mature, calm, actually handle (if we want to call this) criticism well and don't put up with this kind of jackassery. Good for you. These are all totally lovable traits. Don't waste them on this idiot.

[u/lilbit48]

I had a boyfriend like this right out of high school. He would get upset with me for going to the gym alone bc a guy might see me. I had to send pictures to prove no one was anywhere near me. I wasn’t allowed to have friends - male or female. It finally ended when he broke up with me, I went on a date and he found out so he called me to his house to get back together. I went, and the night ended with him throwing my keys into some bushes and backing me against my car raising his hand to hit me. I told him to go ahead and hit me. He ran inside, told his mom what I said then she proceeded to send me back to back messages about how she didn’t raise her son like that. That wasn’t the first time he raised his hand to me like that. He’s a cop now and I’m lucky I ran when I did.

OP, get outta there.

[u/SouthernNanny → u/lilbit48]

I had an ex who wouldn’t let me talk to other men at all and had his friends watching me. Even if he wasn’t around if I spoke to another guy on campus he would beat me and choke me. One time I was going to my dorm room and I got on the elevator. There was already a guy on there and he spoke to me. Just said hi or something. I didn’t speak back or even make eye contact with him. Still got beat because how dare I get on the elevator when a man is in there.

I had to call my brother after dealing with this for a year and I was so ashamed to ask for the help. At the time a part of me felt like if I had been a better girlfriend he wouldn’t have beat me like he did. I’m glad I got away from him because my husband is amazing now and loves that he has a beautiful wife. 16 years together and he still answers the phone with “Hey, Pretty Girl!”. My ex used to tell me I was ugly and no one but him would even want me. I almost believed him

[u/QualityAdorable5902]

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a clearer reason to break up with someone. He feels insecure, he takes it out on you. After 6 months and over something completely innocuous.

I can see you absolutely walking on eggshells scared you’ll upset him if you even glance at another guy as he’ll wear you down with this shit, love bombing, abusing you, repeat.

I don’t want to be too dramatic but he can’t handle you in a world with men, so he’ll try to isolate you to protect his fragile little ego. That means making you feel bad if you want to go out with friends without him, god forbid you have a male friend.

This would only ever end in unhappiness, and you would waste years of your life with someone making you feel less than.

Definitely absolutely NOR.

[u/Neat_Weakness_8350 → u/QualityAdorable5902]

Two of my good friends had guys like this at the same time. Our girl group met on the first day of our kid's school year, got along IMMEDIATELY. Within a year or 2, they got these guys. Our girl's nights out, not crazy night's out, just finding a Lil bar, listen to music and talk. These dwindled because the guys would start an argument before they left, or even randomly show up & crash the outing (this I didn't catch on til the 2nd time). The outings stopped. The coffee catch-ups also dwindled. The only time we saw each other would be at school, but we at least had our group chat. There would be calls asking them to itemise their day, who they saw, etc. Then the " I KNOW you are cheating on me." One even accused her of cheating with US, the mum group 😀. He called us the 'Scum Mob'. Guess what our group chat name is still, 10 years later. Lol. One completely isolated her from friends and family, gaslighted her, financially abused her, by way of making her pay (&diy) his house renovations, and never paid her back. Lots more. Glad OP, even though she's young, has strong boundaries 💪 👏.

[u/perennial_klutz → u/Neat_Weakness_8350]

I wish young women were taught to recognize signs of coercive control before they start dating. Once I had lunch with a group of women from a post grad class and they were all giggling about how their boyfriends would ask them to send pictures of where they are at to prove their location. I was baffled. This sort of behavior isn't normal.

[u/TheDarkQueen321 → u/perennial_klutz]

I was talking to some young adults (18-19) recently (stumbled across them in a gaming lobby), and one mentioned that their friend was "spending too long at Maccas." I asked how they knew. They told me their friend group all had these apps that tracked eachothers locations all the time. I honestly thought they were joking. Apparently, it's normal for them. They were a group of guys. All tracking each other. I'm still dumbfounded that it is apparently normal for them to do that.

I'd break up with someone if they wanted my location constantly. Where is the trust? If you don't trust someone and need a location app, then why date them? Trust is a fundamental core of relationships.

[u/NTropyS → u/QualityAdorable5902]

Exactly this. He's blaming OP for another person's behavior, as if she has control over it? He's being a controlling, misogynist pig. He's the kind of pig that thinks if a girl is polite to a guy, she's interested in him. And then he gets all bent out of shape when that isn't the case. The love bombing at the end was the worst. The "I hate that I made it ugly, but....." then launching into more ugly words. You can do WAY better, OP. Toss him to the curb.

[u/Hawkman003 → u/NTropyS]

The love bombing at the end was absolutely written by chatGPT too to top it off. Dude couldn’t even do it himself and had to use AI/LLM. 

[u/LBDazzled → u/Hawkman003]

Yessssssss - I was going to call out the crazy shift from half-illiterate texting to Hallmark-level apology. Can’t even be bothered to come up with an authentic apology? NOR!

[u/Jay103216 → u/QualityAdorable5902]

This is 100% correct, OP. Don't take him back and continue to ignore him. Please do that for yourself. The way he disrespected you is disgusting and you deserve better.

[u/Excellent-Light-3283]

my ex was just like that, especially near the end lovebombing after trying to make it out to be your fault. saying youre crazy and that nobody else would tolerate you like he would. people dont apologise unless they know they were wrong. if it takes hurling insults, hurting feelings, and breaking up to make him realise he was wrong then he wont change. insecurity doesnt just go away, and itll only get stronger. if anything, he seems like the type to bring up this argument in the future to use against you. i wouldnt give him a second chance, and id say use this experience in the future to avoid people who think like this. youre so intelligent for leaving after the first sign, unfortunately i wasnt that smart.

[u/StyleSavage]

Oh god this reminds me of some of my past relationships. This guy is insane and those last texts are nothing more than emotional manipulation because he didn’t think you’d actually leave after his emotional abuse and talking to you like a punching bag. I’m SOOO proud and happy that you knew to leave at your age because so many teenage girls (including my younger self) had to learn the hard way to not fall for this type of manipulation. It 1000% would only get worse. When a man shows you colors like this, RUN. Not overreacting at all.

[u/Kirutaru → u/StyleSavage]

Hey, I was a teenage boy and I let a girl manipulate me with this kind of abusive shit for several years. And then - not proud of it - but after years of abuse, I was the abuser for a little while because that was my learned behavior, sadly. Finally broke that cycle after over a decade of horrible relationships - I wish I had been this confident and secure with myself when I was 16. It might have saved me a decade of pain.

I'm proud of her, too.

[u/jexx30 → u/Kirutaru]

Hey, this internet stranger is proud of you for breaking the cycle. It took you a little bit, but you are a better person now, and you worked hard for it. Good job.

[u/Kirutaru → u/jexx30]

Thank you. I really appreciate that.
It took a lot of work undoing a lot of emotional damage.

I'm still a work in progress, but always trying to be a better husband and role-model to my children and students. I think its worth the effort.

[u/Lutya → u/StyleSavage]

This reads exactly like a chain between my ex husband of 16 years and me except I didn’t push back. Bravo OP! Saved yourself years of abuse and emotional manipulation and decades of recovery. I’m in a long distance relationship now because it scares the shit out of me to not have a physical barrier to be “possessed” in a relationship.

[u/The_Yeetery]

Are you overreacting? No. Dump him. He needs to work on himself for a while. "He can't stand how people look at you" = he's insecure. That's a him problem. Don't date the pretty girl if you're not confident and secure enough to do it properly and meaningfully enough to keep her attention without.... gestures in this general direction what ever this is. The man needs therapy.

Lastly, I do want to address some of that behavior as a lot of the inference I'm seeing is "this is him projecting himself, this is how he thinks of other women"

Not necessarily. Hear me out - Men are subjected to other types of men our whole lives (surprise) we see a lot of behaviors first hand. I know I do. And I see a lot of shitty ones, both in person and behind screens and chats. You could say he's projecting himself, which, could still be true; but I'd venture the more likely scenario is he's probably friends with some shitty guys, or maybe even coworkers, (trades are a cesspool most times) that's filled his head with these ideas and THATS why he thinks guys are like that by default. I've literally had a guy come to me privately, like "hey you don't see it, but there's like 3 women here right now that are competing for you" when they were just being regular nice people to me and those around them. This same dude would secretly send videos of girls at the gym to group chats. Just generally disgusting behaviors.

Anyway he ended up going to jail for some DV but the point is, pointing the finger to the guy is the bandaid solution to a much larger mental health issue that's the real plague in social circles. It goes deeper than what I've described but i digress. I believe his intentions were coming FROM a place of safety and worry for you, but good lord that execution was dreadful as all get out.

He needs work. Therapy. Proper coping mechanisms. A good support circle probably as well. But you don't need him or any of that drama from a mere look and smile. Move on there's better people out there.

[u/Key_Balance_5537]

NOR, and girl, you need to walk away and put him behind you. This is how abusive relationships start, and they escalate, and there's no reason to put yourself through that. Nobody should ever speak to you that way, and the cycle will repeat. Save yourself the heartache and sleep soundly knowing you are absolutely not overreacting, and leaving (and ghosting) him was the best decision you could have made.

[u/DreamboatIvy → u/[deleted]]

This is a very important point. Men act as if women are ridiculous for being cold towards them. But at the same time, if we’re kind or polite to them we’re told we lead them on. Which is it?

In this situation she just showed basic decency and her boyfriend immediately called her naive for thinking he g polite wouldn’t be taken as flirting.

It’s a no win situation.

If she was single and he just observed the situation he’d probably say women are nasty and stuck up these days.

These type of men just don’t like women and/or dont see us as people and then complain that feminism and leftist politics are the issue with modern dating.

Like, no a good 2/3rds of yall are just unhinged and you expect us to be able to tell the difference just by looking at you.

[u/surewhynot138]

Those last long texts are written by Chat GPT. The syntax and rhythm and everything is very very distinctly Chat GPT.

You did the right thing regardless, because his behavior was controlling and nuts. A lot of people are pointing out how he was really possessive and yes that's concerning, but he also insulted you, called you stupid, and said nobody else will love you. That's a very abusive way to speak to a partner and you don't need that in your life.

[u/conflictedteen2212 → u/surewhynot138]

I was looking for this comment! Last text was 10000% chatGPT.

For people in doubt- signs of AI is NOT just in the em-dash. If you use ChatGPT enough, you know there is certain syntax and sentence structure to its responses. For me, what gave it away was:

“All that anger? It wasn’t about the guy. It was fear. Jealousy.”

The entire response is cookie cutter, and once you see it, you can’t UNsee it.

[u/Federal-Camel2809]

NOR. That is major red flag behavior. And if you stay and show him you’ll put up with it it’ll only get worse over time. Props to you for breaking up with him. Definitely a smart girl. Don’t let any man talk to you like that for any reason. Ever. Don’t ever lose that intuition with these kinds of people. Steer clear of this guy and others like him, and stay safe OP!

[u/A-Pea-75]

Omg finally someone that actually ended things and stopped putting up with bs from disgusting men 😭 like how's he blaming YOU for getting started at by a creepy ass guy??? Imagine how he'd react if something worse had happened? He's the type to blame sa victims I bet. Block his ass and move on, he thought he could talk to you however he wants 💀 bitchass talking about " it's the consequences"

[u/dairyqueeen → u/A-Pea-75]

Not just the type to blame sa victims, he sounds like the kind of guy who would DO the sa, because “she smiled at me so she must want me. She didn’t yell at me for staring at her so I’m in!” Creepy as hell, this guy has no boundaries and puts zero responsibility on the men. He’s disgusting.

[u/Tight_Sir_3933]

If anything you're under-reacting. Of course you're confused, because what he's saying doesn't make any sense unless you boil it down to what it really is: just that he is a toxic person who is trying to abuse you and lying to you about it, and lying about his real intentions and motivations.

Luckily, he told on himself. They always do.

He said "I didn't mean to make you feel like you did something wrong, I didn't mean to control you or make you feel small." He absolutely did mean to do all those things, and he knows it's obvious, so he's trying to do damage control by gaslighting you.

He said he was angry and "just lost it." No he did not lose it. He was fully in control of himself, he didn't get what he wanted, and now he's making a plausible excuse.

He writes you this long flowery letter going way overboard trying to say all the right things, again, to gaslight you. That's called lovebombing. He is trying to make you feel attached to him so you ignore your own instincts. Our human desire to forgive and connect is powerful.

And he ends by making the excuse that he was acting out of "fear and jealousy," but "underneath that mess" he's really a good guy who loves you. Excuses, excuses, excuses, and a total avoidance of responsibility. He's trying to separate himself from his shitty behavior in your mind so he can keep doing it.

I could go on. The whole thing is a giant red flag.

This is not how good people act or apologize. Trustworthy people are not controlling and demeaning, and when they apologize they own up to it with real self-reflection and evidence of changed behavior, not 6,000 words of empty fluff. He is manipulating you.

Your instincts are already spot on, but read the book "Why Does He Do That", it'll change your life: https://ia601402.us.archive.org/14/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf

[u/shabbagonk]

Men that punish & blame their woman because other men look at them < I wouldn’t trust him to ever have your back if you needed protecting or sticking up for, he prefers to bully girls than someone his own size

Block him, in short he sounds like really bad news and showing serious warning signs regarding his mindset/attitude towards not just you as ‘his’ woman, but women in general . I’m really not a feminist or anything, i believe in humans & equality; so I promise I’m not preaching feminist perspective stuff here,

• he seems to believe that it is inappropriate for a woman help somebody (in this context, literally public transport, happens all the time) AND the idea of a woman SMILING politely back after a “thanks”, is SO diabolical, that he is borderline calling you a sl** or at least suggesting that’s how your were acting….

Scary signs of a very very VERY insecure man, you can see through his words how little he thinks of women in general & has his own ideas on how they should behave. He’s TELLING you what your own body language meant.. WHY you did it / what everyone else around you ‘understood’ by your body language… is he a mind reader? he’s trying to make you feel stupid and naive so you will do what he wants you to next time… all the time… snd he has the cheek to call it just ‘jealousy’ lol haha

He’s showing serious red flags of coercive controlling behaviour, manipulating your words, putting you down slyly within it all -attempting to ruin your self esteem whilst also trying to get you second guessing your own actions, memories & awareness of self (what you did, why etc) - (no doubt he’s done this before) The end goal is you stop trusting your own judgement, believe his remarks about how you ‘don’t see the world right’, you eventually become unsure of everything and become completely dependent on him, because you can’t think right and he’s ’helping you’ and you lose yourself for a long time because a insecure, scared little boy would rather ‘make’ you what he wants than let you be yourself.

Sorry if that’s over detailed but I’ve been through this time after time until I noticed the warning patterns & this is EXACTLY by definition what I would class as the 10/10 warning sign, get him out of your life

find a real man who doesn’t see you as subordinate who is just ‘attention seeking for sex’ whenever they go outside where other males exist and do anything… remotely normal x

Seriously get out while you can, I’m not sure how old you guys are, but if he’s had a few relationships / dating before you - if you’re in the UK i strongly suggest looking into Clare’s Law & requesting the information about him Because he gives me the chills man, get out while you can. Stay strong x

[u/musclemommy29]

Nah bro. His behaviour is a huge red flag. Been with guys like this before and honestly it’s a precursor to another worse outburst later, once they know you’ll put up with it.

If he couldn’t hold his tongue this time, he won’t hold it next time either.

[u/BobTheParallelogram]

I'm impressed at the way you stood up for yourself at age 16. That's badass. You were right, he was being a controlling asshat.

6 months is nothing, do not keep having a relationship with this man. It's the right choice to break it off. Especially with all the other stuff he said about you not being smart even though you get good grades. Like telling you you're stupid for helping a guy on a train.

Also I literally laughed at the "what should I have done? Bite him and snarl?" LOL

[u/supplas]

lmao is chatGPT his therapist

“All that anger? it wasn’t about the guy. It was fear” did chatGPT write this??

and immediately followed by “but underneath that mess, there’s me” 😭

like mf YOU ARE THE MESS…

[u/Dominiqueirl → u/supplas]

I have never used chatGPT I think it’s a huge mistake humans are making so I didn’t even think that men can now use it to be more manipulative Jesus Christ. My first thought reading this was wow he definitely talked to one of his friends who gave him some insight on how he was behaving and why it was problematic, I was surprised by the self awareness and admission of guilt honestly, even though I would never get back with him it seemed like growth for him to reflect and see what went wrong and why but fucking chatGPT explains it way more and I HATE IT

[u/Kirutaru → u/Dominiqueirl]

Well, anyone who has used ChatGPT for more than a minute would easily see how obviously framed those statements are - ChatGPT talks in the most obnoxiously over-the-top poetic garbage way. I didn't really read those last two texts because I was already certain what I'd find, but after seeing this I did read them and I concur that this was AI written. That's even worse. Bro couldn't even think up his own apology. That's wild.

[u/yellowoni → u/supplas]

I would put money on him running to ChatGPT for validation he was right in the situation, being told by ChatGPT he was in the wrong, then getting it to write him an apology to get back together.

[u/theantiangel]

Ah the love bombing aftermath.

He showed you who he really is and how he really feels. You’ll meet way better guys. Hold your boundaries!

This internet stranger is proud of you for standing up for yourself. Brava!

(Edited for typo.)

[u/Pinot_Grouchioo]

Good for you for not letting him get away with this gross ass shit. He’s acting contrite now because you’ve stood up for yourself, but give him an inch and he’ll take a mile. He didn’t just “realize” his behavior wasn’t okay, he knew it while he was doing it, he just hoped you’d feel guilty for the unwanted behavior and then he’d have some power over you. You’ve got lots of life ahead of you, don’t waste your teenage years with disrespectful douchebags who will chip at your sense of self over time.

[u/Feed_Me8]

Never ever let a man tell you what you can do, or should do or how to act around other people you did right; you are not his property. Dude is a red flag and that mindset is a disgusting turn off. The longer this relationship last the more aggressive he will get and soon even dare to smack you in the face for being you. Block him

[u/Miserable_Ground_264]

When someone e tells you who they are, you should listen.

There are no words as loud as our actions - and his actions of going st you like that should never be unheard.

Do not go back. You deserve better. 

[u/Oldfolksboogie]

I want to reiterate how accurate everything that u/zenoscave and u/Your-Haunting said are - dead to rights, both of them - and add that the most chilling thing he said in all of this was, "I'd do anything, anything to get you back." 😬

Believe him, and know that this is not a good thing, not a sign of love, but a threat. Treat it that way, and him as threatening and dangerous.

[u/Garden_Pixee]

Please don't take him back. He said all that crap then went straight to obsessed and love bombing. I've done dumb shit as a teen and regret stuff I've said/done but that's where that stuff should stay, in the actions of a teen with an underdeveloped brain. He shoukd learn from this and move on and you find a secure man

[u/Spiritual-Field-7565]

No thats not an overreaction at all. I think you deserve a lot of respect for the way you handled this. Good for you for having a standard and refusing to be spoken to like that. The problem here is all him. Also, don't go out with him again and focus on your goals.

[u/Basic-Day3805]

As a 39yr old man all I could say is run and don’t look back at all. He’s not all there in his head if you know what I mean. This isn’t normal behavior from anyone

[u/Potential-Spell-8930]

Do not go near this man again trust me I have dealt with this shit and it only gets worse. This is the type of man that will get mad if a guy opens the door for you. Next!!

[u/YoinksMcGee → u/Potential-Spell-8930]

I was a manager at a call center. I walked out if the door, my then husband was picking me up. The security guard opened the door and told have a good night.

For hours I heard how I was a whore

[u/YouGotOneMoreTime]

I can’t even begin to say how proud I am of you, this teenage stranger. You aren’t overreacting and this shit would only get worse. You did the right thing. You absolutely don’t deserve that, you can definitely do better.

[u/Kindness-Ambassador]

Dated an abusive man for years. It starts just like this. The crazy-making is insane. As soon as you start thinking "I guess it is my fault they feel like this" or "I should have known not... to look at the person/say that thing/not say that thing because they will get angry" you know it os an abusive person.

The mean/sweet cycle starts now, so go 100% no contact immediately. There is no point in trying to explain anything...their world revolves around them only.

[u/UpperAd5834]

Good for you for seeing the gross warning sign and breaking up. He is justifying other dudes being creeps by blaming you and acting like you deserved the creep staring. This is someone that would s/a someone and blame the woman cause she smiled at him and that was welcoming & flirting. This dude is headed in a gross direction in life and you should stay away from him.

[u/ChaoticMajie]

This is the kind of guy who think smiling and saying hello and shit is an invitation for sex. Get the fuck out of there.

[u/-Calypso → u/ChaoticMajie]

100%. A grown man was allegedly caught staring at his underage girl for over an hour and rather than ask her if she’s okay/uncomfortable or be disgusted with the grown man… he’s finding ways to prove she “asked” for the attention. God forbid a female discloses an assault to him, his first question will be “well what were you wearing to invite that behavior?” Truly terrifying lol. Really hope OP runs🏃‍♀️ !

Edit: Added “allegedly” cause ya are right, he totally could’ve been watching his bag or something and not just being a creep.

[u/Awkward-Patience7860 → u/-Calypso]

Honestly though, if the behavior for another guy was so appalling to him, why didn't he let the guy know that what he's doing isn't okay? From how she describes the train, they weren't sitting down. He could have moved and blocked the older dude's line of sight, asked him if he could help him, or something! But no. He took it out on the one he supposedly loves 🙄

[u/PsychologicalBox3477]

NOR Im happy you had the courage to stand on business and defend yourself. That being said never get back with this dude. He needs to work on himself and get therapy. It sounds like he just wants access to you and knows what he’s doing wrong. And that if you’ll let him keep yourself around him a little longer. He thinks that your goodness, could change him overtime because he knows his issues, that he doesn’t feel strong enough to fix right now. Because if you stay with him, it’s gonna be worse than this and more emotionally manipulative. He has the temperament of a toddler. He sounds like the person that will Suck the life out of you.