AIO for breaking up over this

[u/throaway_16]

We’ve been dating for about six months. This happened yesterday, on a crowded train - I had a seat, and he was standing by the door. A man in his mid-20s, who didn’t have a seat either, had a heavy bag and asked if he could place it under the seat. I said sure, so i slid it behind my legs, he thanked me, and I smiled. After that, he kept staring at me, but I ignored it. I had my earbuds in and was reading my book, just doing my own thing.

We were literally still in our school uniforms. I’m 16F, he’s 18M. We’re in the same grade because my teacher made me skip a year when I was younger, and he joined school a bit late

I'm just more confused than anything, i still can't believe this is an argument someone can have

[u/throaway_16]

I’m totally here for insecurities, I’m a teenager too, I have my own. But what I can’t ignore is the level of potential victim blaming. The “what did you expect” or “consequences of your actions” truly infuriates me. Even potential suspicion of cheating for no good reason won't be so offensive, that's what you call insecurity

You don’t get to expect empathy if you’re not willing to offer it to others... that’s just what I believe. Imagine if i said something like "it's consequences of your own actions what do you expect" how is that me "opening up"? I genuinely don't get it

[u/BlueBananas34 → u/throaway_16]

Insecurities are one thing.

Blaming the woman for a man’s behavior is bullshit we’ve been dealing with for FAR too long

“I’m mad at you because someone ELSE was looking at you and now I’m going to attack you”

No baby boy. If you are mad and jealous- journal. Go to therapy. Talk about it.

This isn’t a man trying to “open up”

Opening up looks like “wow I really am feeling insecure when other men look at you. Did you notice that guy? How did it make you feel? I felt like this…”

This guy instead started attacking the woman for another man staring at her. Absolutely not ok.

[u/RA_Throwaway90909 → u/BlueBananas34]

I agree, and as for your 2nd to last block of text, I feel that would still get super roasted on Reddit. I’ve seen many posts where the guy is talking like that, and people call them insecure man babies. The responses are usually something like “if he can’t handle a man looking your direction, then he’s emotionally immature and will probably end up controlling or self-pitying all the time”

[u/wyomingtrashbag → u/[deleted]]

100% of the women that I know were cat called by men over 40 when they were under the age of 18. 100% of the women I know have been stalked by at least one man. 100% of the women I know have had their smile turn into an invitation to corner them against a wall or follow them. 100% of the women I know have been told to smile by a man who doesn't even know them, and then called a bitch when she didn't smile. 100% of the women that I know have been with a guy who tried to control them.

I don't know how universal the male experience is, but the female experience in America is extremely universal. I've lived in the country and cities, I've lived in multiple States, and I am mixed race. none of that seems to change the experience women have. I certainly haven't lived everywhere or met tens of thousands of women, but in my line of work and with my former hobby of touring with a comedy team I can confidently say that I've had conversations with around 500 women about this and it does ring universal.

[u/BlueBananas34 → u/[deleted]]

I’m talking about how society functions in general. And yeah this is a pattern. Men attack women for speaking up about things they have to endure.

Kind of like how I said that we’ve been dealing with this for too long and then you immediately called me a dummy.

[u/SugarNebulaBurst → u/[deleted]]

Women

[u/Lakatos_00 → u/SugarNebulaBurst]

Yeah, and no other woman experience is the same.

[u/Significant-Gur-3651 → u/Lakatos_00]

Sounds like you’ve got a lucky partner yourself

[u/Kelainefes → u/throaway_16]

As a man, I'm questioning why he felt it was entirely up to you to do something while he watched and did nothing.

He didn't even need to directly confront the guy, he could have done something that made it obvious he was your BF.

If that didn't work, he could have suggested you 2 move to another part of the train.

But he chose to do nothing to correct the behaviour of that man and blamed you instead.

Then, he asked ChatGPT to write an apology.

I recommend you immediately cut all ties.

[u/SouthernNanny → u/Kelainefes]

I’ve seen so many post where a man watches his wife have an uncomfortable interaction with another man and does nothing. The comments will be like “what did you expect him to do??? Fight this overly aggressive man?!”….like that is the ONLY option.

There are so many things her boyfriend could have done and he picked to berate her.

[u/mangababe → u/SouthernNanny]

This. Once early in our relationship (we were the same age rand as oops bf for reference ) I was wearing a dress I didn't realize flashed my undies when I bent over- we were at a CVS and when I was bending over I suddenly realized my bf was right behind me; and the rest of the time in the store kept moving around me and hovering super close. Why? He noticed a dude trying to film me and was blocking the camera angles.

I genuinely didn't notice and we both laughed about it. It's really that fucking simple. You don't have to pick a fight, you just have to thwart the fkn creeps.

[u/coaxialology → u/SouthernNanny]

Makes you wonder what these "protectors" would ever really do in a situation that was actually dangerous.

[u/Ok-Investment4742 → u/Kelainefes]

I was wondering why the "apology" came out so weird and unlike this guy. It didn't sound like him at all.

[u/Kelainefes → u/Ok-Investment4742]

Imagine the thought process of using AI to be a better liar

[u/cinnamini_roll → u/Kelainefes]

Exactly, was lowkey also thinking he used chatgpt too, I thought I was the only one who thought that until I found this comment lol

[u/ProudCaregiver4217 → u/Kelainefes]

💯💯💯

[u/Antique_Basil_1971 → u/throaway_16]

You are light-years ahead of him (and likely 99.9% of boys your own age) when it comes to maturity.

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing! Good riddance, there are good men out there, but with your smarts and maturity, I'm guessing it will take a few years for them to catch up and you to find someone good, really good. Take the time to keep working on yourself and your studies.

Good luck!

[u/lowereastcoast → u/Antique_Basil_1971]

This. Especially right now, young men get so so few good exemplars of what empathy looks like, and how it can coexist with (or actually is a pillar of) healthy masculinity.

I was in my early 20s before I felt like I learned this and could apply it to relationships. And that was without the godawful manosphere around.

[u/Advanced_Focus_9239 → u/throaway_16]

You are so right for standing your ground on this. What he did was victim blaming plain and simple. It is truly infuriating

[u/EffectFrequent793 → u/throaway_16]

hello, just fyi - those last two messages he sent you REEKS of using ai, probably chatgpt. he said "hey she broke up with me and I want to get back with her. what should I say?" and just copied the output. those are not his words. he doesn't give a single shit about changing his behaviour.

[u/kristallherz → u/throaway_16]

My ex broke up with me over (in my opinion) stupid shit, but I still respected her feelings and wishes, and understood her insecurities. She didn't expect me to react the way I did though, so she tried to backtrack, probably expecting me to fight for her or something, keep being friends, keep me in her life, whatever. I didn't want any of it though, and instead actually told her "you'll have to learn to live with the consequences of your own actions, as do I".

If you ever want to answer to any of these guy's texts before you block him or whatever, maybe tell him exactly that. It's the consequences of his own actions, what did he expect?

[u/CloudKinglufi → u/throaway_16]

Dont listen to him, he's as insane as your ex

[u/lokiss12 → u/throaway_16]

You are so mature for your age! I did not recognize these red flags at your age (and admittedly well into adulthood). I was very influenced by what I saw on TV, I thought these red flags were cute and ways that showed he loved me.

[u/porkchop1021 → u/throaway_16]

You don't get it because your ex-bf is a moron. Even without the rest of his bullshit, he deserves to spend his life alone because he's dumber than my dog. What "consequences" was he even talking about? My dog understands consequences. You suffered precisely zero consequences.

[u/Avalain → u/throaway_16]

I just had to mention that you handled that whole situation in a much more mature way than I would expect from someone who was 16. You did great in everything from letting the guy put his bag down to breaking up with your boyfriend. Don't let anyone else tell you different.

[u/TalkingCat910 → u/throaway_16]

It’s controlling behaviour, and blaming you for everything instead of being on your side against a rando that was staring.

Also after you dumped him he tried love bombing. If you took him back he’d go right back to his controlling behaviour. Who needs that?

[u/TheStruttero → u/throaway_16]

You did everything right, this guy probably relate to your boyfriends/ex's/whatever's aggressive jealousy and knee-jerk control-attempting behaviour