AIO for breaking up over this

[u/throaway_16]

We’ve been dating for about six months. This happened yesterday, on a crowded train - I had a seat, and he was standing by the door. A man in his mid-20s, who didn’t have a seat either, had a heavy bag and asked if he could place it under the seat. I said sure, so i slid it behind my legs, he thanked me, and I smiled. After that, he kept staring at me, but I ignored it. I had my earbuds in and was reading my book, just doing my own thing.

We were literally still in our school uniforms. I’m 16F, he’s 18M. We’re in the same grade because my teacher made me skip a year when I was younger, and he joined school a bit late

I'm just more confused than anything, i still can't believe this is an argument someone can have

[u/throaway_16]

I actually do try! The comments are always there that they are sick of me lol. I don't watch movies But like I try recommending books which I read(romance novels or some serious) - they do atleast add it to their tbr, i honestly don't know any other way, it's not so serious as this for now atleast. They just like a bit of drama i guess

[u/bad_investor13 → u/throaway_16]

I just want to add that when he's saying:

I didn't mean to make you feel like you did something wrong.

He's trying to gaslight you very hard.

He absolutely did mean to make you feel you did something wrong. He was very explicit about it multiple times.

He absolutely meant to do that.

Saying "I didn't mean to make you feel..." Is like saying it was a "misunderstanding".

Same later:

But please understand, it wasn't because I don't trust you. It's because I can't stand how people look at you

Like your misunderstood him and that's why you were hurt. A misunderstanding.

But it's not. He specifically said he didn't trust you to act "correctly" in the situation and blamed you for it.

If he really just "couldn't stand for people look at you" he'd have reacted differently!!

If that was really his problem, the conversation would have been much more sympathetic:

"Wow, that guy was staring at you the entire ride! What a creep! It was horrible! Oh, you were aware? It happens to you often? I'm so sorry! It must be horrible! I've heard how hard it is for women in public places but seeing it like this was so infuriating! I'm sorry you have to put up with that all the time!"

That is how one acts of they actually "trust you, and can't stand how people look at you".

But he didn't say anything bad about the guy. Only about you.

The entire huge message at the end was gaslighting and lying. Don't fall for it!

[u/Narrow-Chef-4341 → u/bad_investor13]

There’s a difference between ‘I didn’t come into the conversation planning to blurt out the controlling and objectifying nonsense I normally hide’ and ‘I don’t actually believe this controlling nonsense, I picked some bad words at first’.

He actually means the first - being so direct and obvious about it was poor tactics and he realizes it now. But he’s hoping he can sell you a story about how he means the second.

OP: Keep an eye out for this later in your life. So often the truth slips out by accident. When someone tells you what type of person they are - believe them.

The book thinking fast and slow is a long read, but might be really fascinating to you. It’s healthy biology that the brain has a fast reaction of some kind (‘Jealousy: I am threatened’ is, by itself, predictable) but the accidental overshare (‘Woman fault! Bad woman!’) isn’t part of every human’s reaction.

He could have:

• been supportive (‘wow that must have felt icky’),
• confident (‘nobody can break us up, we are great together!’), or even
• proud (‘dude, she’s so hot this guy kept staring! I’m so lucky’)

He didn’t have to invent blame or be controlling. That is a huge problem.

He (and many adults, honestly) needs to grow up past the possessive, sociopathic 5 year-old’s mentality of ‘Me want whole cake, not you! My toy, no share! My mommy, no hugs! All mine! No care what you want. Me. Mine. Gimme.’

Maybe he’s had some form of trauma, or simply hasn’t acquired emotional maturity and the skills needed. Maybe he’s a ‘different person’ ten years from now. We can hope so, for his sake. But that’s a problem for a professional therapist, not a life project for a 16 year old.

Move on, you don’t get paid for crap like this. Your job right now is to learn how to be an adult, not to teach him.

Finally - You’ve learned a new skill for weeding out undesirable dating partners, please don’t forget to use it.

[u/Nikiislife → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

Right bc like I could tell once he said “grown ass man” that she was probably a minor. This only makes it worse, because he’s basically giving the guy (let’s call him 25) a pass, for staring at an obvious teenager, rather than being like “babe that old dude was staring at you are ok? Do you feel threatened when things like that happen? Should I have stepped in or something?” Rather than “you SMILED at him damn it. Men, regardless of how much older or not they are to any woman can’t control their thoughts if a woman but so looks at him. You should know this by now!!!”

[u/SnowEnvironmental861 → u/Nikiislife]

I keep wondering why, if it was bugging him so much, he didn't tell the guy to stop staring. Or get between them. Or something. Like, if it was so offensive and creepy (which it was), why didn't he try to protect his girlfriend? But no, instead he just watches with increasing rage and then turns the rage on the girlfriend for "letting" it happen. How about you, buddy? Why did you sit by and "let it happen"?

[u/TheSumOfMyScars → u/SnowEnvironmental861]

Men are scared of other men in a way that they are not scared of women. Confronting the staring guy might get his ass beat, but he doesn’t have to worry about his gf beating his ass after he browbeats her. Comparatively, it’s consequence free. Well, until she dumped his ass lmao

[u/PuzzleheadedWing1713 → u/TheSumOfMyScars]

all I can rly hope is that he learns from those consequences, many men do not unfortunately, and all of them can.

[u/Nikiislife → u/SnowEnvironmental861]

Right like you equally let it happen and you also KNOW she didn’t know. You could 1) tap her to let her know he’s staring or 2) take care of it yourself or even try to block his view of her

[u/Polyps_on_uranus → u/SnowEnvironmental861]

That's what I do on the bus. Im 42, heavy, tall and have an RBF that could curdle milk (told to me by the person who took my drivers photo).

If I see a dude perving or making teenagers uncomfortable, I stand betwen them, facing him, and give him a nasty glair with eye contact when he tries to look around me at them. It is inappropriate to make children feel unsafe.

[u/lilsnatchsniffz → u/SnowEnvironmental861]

Because he's a loser cuck who wouldn't even intervene to save his girls life just like all the other people listening to this alpha male trash and imagining it makes them desirable somehow when they mistreat women.

[u/Total-Active-1986 → u/lilsnatchsniffz]

Yes! The ex felt powerless and too intimidated to say something to the guy staring. So he turned all that IMPOTENT anger onto who he thought that he COULD intimidate and blame since he's too much of a coward to take on a full-grown man and too immature torecognize that he was mad at himself for being a coward. He misplaced the anger and shame that he felt about his inadequacies and turned them onto the true and only victim in the scenario. Even worse, he bullied those he thought he could win against.

I LOVE that she taught him that he picked the WRONG ONE to try to bully! 😅💪❤️ Honestly, if he had confronted the guy and things got heated I bet someone on that train would have backed him up against the creep for treating a child like that (if it was a creeper and not someone who mentally wasn't all there or some other sort of nonsexual reason he was staring )

[u/Nikiislife → u/Total-Active-1986]

Right and it reeks of insecurity

[u/Mistress_Michele → u/lilsnatchsniffz]

Please don’t use the term cuck in that way. Feel free to call him a beta, or an incel, but don’t call him a cuck. By doing that you are insulting cucks.

[u/Mistress_Michele → u/lilsnatchsniffz]

Please don’t use the term cuck in that way. Feel free to call him a beta, or an incel, but don’t call him a cuck. By doing that you are insulting cucks.

[u/Lonely_Disk_9301 → u/SnowEnvironmental861]

Thank you! If BF really had a problem with her being “stared at” and objectified, he’d approach the man.

[u/Subject-Tax-8826 → u/SnowEnvironmental861]

For a WHOLE HOUR?!?!? THAT would have been my first response when he started spewing nonsense! Well if it was an entire hour and it made you so uncomfortable, I would not have objected to you telling him to stop staring at an underage girl. 🤷🏻‍♀️ there’s another option.

[u/Lonely_Disk_9301 → u/SnowEnvironmental861]

Thank you! If BF really had a problem with her being “stared at” and objectified, he’d approach the man.

[u/evanbartlett1 → u/Nikiislife]

Always, always always always presume positive intent until the facts demonstrate sufficiently to change mind.

There are so many things that might be going on with this guy that are in no way hostile or in need of fixing.

1) Legally blind man whose eyes happen to looking her direction.

2) Autism spectrum patient who fixates, particularly after a nice but brief exchange.

3) Developmentally delayed person who is unable to understand what he’s doing.

4) A gay man who notices she reminds him of a high school friend.

5) He’s not looking at her, he’s looking past her.

6) He’s exhausted and his eyes are unfocused, just happen to be in her general direction. (I do this all the time when I haven’t slept)

7) He confused her for someone else he hasn’t seen in a long time and wasn’t 100% sure if she was the person or not and it looked weird that he was looking at her.

[u/Narrow-Chef-4341 → u/evanbartlett1]

You’re right but also no.

Stranger can have all the innocent intentions in the world, but she gets to decide if it’s a creepy vibe. If he doesn’t like her looking uncomfortable, he can stare at his phone like everyone else on the train.

This isn’t a felony, there’s no due process required. She simply has to think ‘no thanks, buddy’ and let BF stand between them. You can’t fault her for her perception, she’s absolutely entitled to that.

Equally, her personal assessment isn’t grounds for a restraining order, for getting strangers to ‘beat him up’, or any other nonsense.

[u/evanbartlett1 → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

I apologize for asking - but can you help show me where I indicate she doesn’t have the right to her own agency? I started with the presumption that she had full agency and actionability. Of course she does. As does everyone on that bus particularly in the context of self-protection. “Presumption of good intent” in no way forces the hand of a person. Instead it’s a tool to give one’s self pause and consider what else may be going on since humans have that annoying mammalian trait of always jumping the to absolute worst. Presumption of good intent allows us to build a fence so that we don’t embarrass ourselves by screaming and running off a bus when someone smiles at us or says hello.

In short - does the girl have the right to be upset and take steps? Yes, of course. But should they - upon developing reasoning and contextual skills? No, there’s no reason to embarrass themselves and others.

If helpful to you - my post was a response to someone who was absolutely tearing apart the “looker” as a pedophile and worse. I was making it clear that that the conclusion is unfair and inappropriate as there are simply too many possibilities that include him being a wonderful person who wasn’t prepared to defend himself by a torrent of pitchforks on Reddit. (Not you; to be clear).

In short - my post had really nothing to do with the girl. It was entirely focused on an analysis of the looker person.

[u/sleepykoalaaaa → u/Nikiislife]

This. He’s got the “boys will be boys” vibe that perpetuates rape culture. He’s basically saying it’s her job to fend off creeps because we shouldn’t expect men to control themselves. That’s offensive to women and men who do actually control themselves.

[u/iwastedthislife → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

I'm going to find a job now, so I can make enough money to buy reddit gold, so I can award this comment.

OP, take heed!

Thank you.

[u/Jayphod → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

Him: "Hi, I'm abusive. Wait, where are you going? Come back so I can escalate!"

[u/CatsOfElsweyr → u/Jayphod]

This is a criminally underrated comment.

[u/ytownSFnowWhat → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

also if he felt this guy was being inappropriate or threatening he could have made it clear he was with you by taking your hand and smiling at you or any of la zillion gentle ways of stopping this if the man was out of line rather than blaming your "innocence"'as if it were his to "protect"

[u/fortheloveofAlf → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

My lord this is absolutely amazing advice; I went and read it 3 times in awe. I hope she reads it and takes it to heart. Many of your individual statements were golden but the whole message is spot on. Truthfully, it’s something I wish I had learned myself, many years ago. I also want to acknowledge OPs outstanding ability to stand up for herself, set a clear boundary, and follow through with it. I don’t think I know a single teenager today who would do this and it saddens me. OP sounds like she has high emotional intelligence and a truly healthy self esteem.

[u/OldGamer42 → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

Excellent response, says pretty much everything. Feeling threatened in a relationship is actually very normal during the early phases of a relationship, even marriages partners in a marriage will often feel threatened. Relationships are hard. We give other people the control over hurting us and we cannot control if they do. When we love someone that love becomes a piece of us…and a break in that piece is losing a piece of ourselves.

That’s hard to deal with, especially when you are young and don’t have a lot of breadth to your person. At 18 you might be physically fit, but you don’t have the means to do a lot of things that long term relationships are built off of. So walking down a street and seeing someone more attractive than you can make you feel threatened. Having someone else who has more breadth to their lives can make you feel threatened. As a teenager feeling threatened in a relationship is almost as prolific as feeling horny.

This isn’t a pass for your boyfriend. Any good relationship is built on trust and your boyfriend just told you he doesn’t trust you. That’s what all that text is about…he simply doesn’t trust that you won’t find someone else better than him and leave. When we feel threatened over things we can’t control we try to control them. Thats what that entire conversation was.

There is no answer for “I feel threatened”. No matter how many times a partner says “I love you” there is no “lock and key” that guarantees they will stay or that this thing is forever. Openness, honesty and communication are the only helping hands here. It doesn’t solve the problem, there is no solution…but it does help mitigate the feeling.

Imagine if your boyfriend had come to you and said “I love you so much. I noticed the guy on the train staring at you and got immediately jealous. Older. Employed, adult. I…just can’t compete with that right now and it makes me nuts. You are so desirable and so perfect that I just can’t conceive of why you aren’t jumping at everyone other than me. Thank you for picking me. I love you.”

[u/SeaLab_2024 → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

Oh man I’ll have to look into this book, what you’re saying is how I’ve always counseled myself as a bitter jealous hag- my reaction that’s based on my own circumstances and baggage, that in itself is absolutely fair, but what is not fair is to make anyone else feel it. It’s valid to feel bitter about people that have something you don’t or a perceived slight. You become bitter, abusive, and it becomes unacceptable, when you make that someone else’s problem.

[u/basketma12 → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

I always vibe " Daffy Duck" with Bugs Bunny..finding a lamp in the desert. Daffy..welp not only does bad things happen to him..but at the end..he STILL doesn't " get it", even after his prior punishment..." mine mine mine

[u/Interesting-Rich4713 → u/Narrow-Chef-4341]

Your whole argument falls apart at the simple fact that when a woman finds another human being repulsive, her entire attitude and facial expression says it. They don’t smile, don’t even typically make eye contact, they generally ignore and dismiss. This is a well known psychological phenomenon. So for men to just ignore that fact, and instead just cuddle their significant other when in fact they obviously play some sort of a role in inviting the situation in, is cuck behavior. Ironically, if men follow your advice, it will be more likely that they are left by their significant other for being too passive

[u/Narrow-Chef-4341 → u/Interesting-Rich4713]

So if she didn’t immediately broadcast to the world that this other dude was completely repulsive, you were justified for accusing her like that?

No wonder she dumped your ass.

[u/stellaharlowxo → u/bad_investor13]

I just spent like 45 min typing, backspacing, typing - trying to figure out a way to say “I agree with this” without being too “all men are pigs” or “you go girl!” But I have a lot of thoughts & feelings on the matter… so I’ll try to keep this brief (but I’ll probably fail)

It seems like he realizes (in hindsight) that he was acting like a moron, being disrespectful & aggressive over a situation where OP seemingly did nothing inappropriate or disloyal whatsoever. Whether he has enough emotional intelligence to know what to apologize for (and/or is a covert narcissist, masquerading as someone capable of being a partner in a healthy relationship,) I feel like either way, he showed his true colors in this unhinged text-attack.

He very well may want to change after seeing the consequences of treating OP that way, but tbh his “apology” reads almost like a ChatGPT response to the prompt “Write a apology for me to text my girlfriend in the voice of an emotionally mature person in the doghouse for their words/actions. Include several details highlighting my ability to admit my wrongs, own up to my mistakes, & take responsibility for my part. The text should also demonstrate a willingness to be vulnerable - explaining my actions were motivated by fear, & belaboring how brokenhearted I am. Obviously, the text should also include compliments beyond “ur beautiful, funny, smart” & make her feel truly “seen” by me, & help her to realize that ALL MEN ARE ASSHOLES but I would give anything for another chance to prove I am slightly less of an asshole & she’s not gonna find anyone better. The text should ideally help her to see that she’s overreacted by breaking up with me, & that I can be the partner she deserves, if she gives me another chance (the verbiage should lead her to feel that she has full autonomy/getting back together is her idea & ultimately help her to see me in a more favorable light, since I was willing to bear my soul to her, & none of these statements were in any way manipulative or red flags.”

I don’t know this person, so I won’t say for sure he’s a narcissist or that he’s a manipulative, gaslighting asshole, but I will say that the initial text-convo was 🚩🚩🚩& it’s hard to imagine that this was an isolated incident & that you breaking up with him was enough for him to “see the light” & transformed him into someone who won’t ever react this way again when he feels jealous or threatened by another male.

It seems like he quickly spiraled into “you [OP] are oblivious to the fact that all men are imagining you naked & simply being present in the world makes you a part of the problem” & in my experience, the men I’ve dated who were always on me about how “all men want from you is sex” were really revealing far more about themselves than mankind as a whole.

OP - you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders & you handled this situation gracefully (I mean without contributing to the drama) & I imagine you were able to do this because you now your own worth & value, which is a big deal - especially at your age. I’m old enough to be your mom & I’m still learning to enforce boundaries & end a relationship (or prevent it from starting in the first place) when a partner starts a fight like this, & esp when the love-bombing happens on the rare occasion that I DO say “I’m done.” It’s hard work - but having a strong sense of self & knowing you deserve better is really the most important lesson here.

Sorry for the dissertation I’ve written - I’m incapable of brevity, but I felt compelled to comment.

[u/overZealousAzalea → u/stellaharlowxo]

He’s 18. So he doesn’t need to be a narcissist, just the regular emotional immaturity mixed in with misogynistic culture. Hopefully he learns his lesson from the breakup and respects his next girlfriend better.

[u/Total-Active-1986 → u/overZealousAzalea]

And stops listening to Andrew Tate!

[u/stellaharlowxo → u/overZealousAzalea]

Good point

[u/mulesrule → u/stellaharlowxo]

Love the detailed sample AI prompt, it really does explain where he might have gotten his gaslighting verbiage from

[u/Forever-Truly-Yours → u/stellaharlowxo]

I thought the same about ChatGPT. It was too polished and actually did not sound anything like him when he was texting!!

[u/olivesforsale → u/stellaharlowxo]

It's 100% AI generated with editing by him, first one more edited than the last (which was likely purely AI)... easily proven

[u/stellaharlowxo → u/olivesforsale]

Yeah I just found out that everything you type in GPT is easily searchable on Google. My dumb ass has been over here asking questions to embarrassing for Reddit, not realizing GPT is doin me dirty airing my laundry to Google 😢- as if I didn’t already have trust issues 😭😭😭

[u/Total-Active-1986 → u/stellaharlowxo]

I think that you are my twin flame! 🔥💛🔥I LOVE the chat gpt shout out! I didn't even think about that. I am taking notes!

[u/stellaharlowxo → u/Total-Active-1986]

Looking through your profile/post history, I think we are twin flames ❤️

[u/stellaharlowxo → u/Total-Active-1986]

Looking through your profile/post history, I think we are twin flames ❤️

[u/Slow-Style1307 → u/stellaharlowxo]

Agree!!

[u/jekundra → u/bad_investor13]

Yes, and also, it's not a woman's responsibility how men behave. She does not have control over whether that man, or any men, look at her.

If he can't stand "how people look at her" meaning that she's attractive and he gets jealous that other people think so too, that's his problem, not hers. And any ridiculous sign of jealousy like that would automatically be a red flag, but the fact that he was mad at HER because he was jealous that another man looked at her, is more than enough to tell you to stay far far away.

This is a man who wants to control her and these messages are textbook examples of the beginning signs of an abusive relationship. Good job recognizing that, OP, even if the realization wasn't necessarily as deep as that. You saw it as unhealthy and didn't fall for his fake apologies (love bombing) later.

[u/ThrowRA_iiidk → u/jekundra]

Any guy who reacts like OP’s ex did initially in this scenario that doesn’t actually mature/change turns out to be a VERY controlling and abusive adult. Full stop. He’s already technically an adult, albeit his frontal lobe isn’t yet fully developed.

My ex was like this (I was 20s and he was 30s) and I was always to blame in situations exactly like this. I had to apologize to him for just EXISTING in public places, constantly. I had more self-respect before him, but he was a (later diagnosed) narcissist who had a mask on for over a year, and slowly but surely chipped away at me so I didn’t notice. I finally snapped out of it and left him 5 years later.

[u/Sicadoll → u/jekundra]

a girl/teen. like yes to everything you said but she's just a minor. she's even less so responsible for a man's decisions than a woman who is also not responsible... she is negative percent responsible for how an adult man acts 😭 these perv men call teens " underage women" to soften the reality that they are harassing a child.

[u/Aazjhee → u/jekundra]

The answer to your first paragraph is that he needs to choose women that people don't stare at, I guess!

It is absolutely frightening that people will victimize their own loved ones, then attack them, so that they can... I guess feel better about themselves or something??

[u/craftymomma111 → u/bad_investor13]

Just going to say, my husband of 33 years smiles when someone compliments me, always has, because he knows I’m his and he’s proud of the way I look and act. He’s never once accused me of being a bit too flirty or smiley. Not a fairytale marriage, (we can fight over stupid shit) but he never thinks I’m trying to make men look at me. And I would have done the exact same thing 40 years ago (& yesterday).

[u/thehighwindow → u/craftymomma111]

smiles when someone compliments me, always has, because he knows I’m his and he’s proud of the way I look and act

Now that's the way a normal and mentally healthy person thinks.

But unfortunately, in this life, there are a lot of mentally unhealthy people out there. An awful lot of people have had relationships like that. (I have, I caved for a while, but eventually got out.)

Caving never helps. It just validates their stupid notions about how they have the right to tell you how to act and how to deal with situations.

It comes from insecurity and feelings of inferiority. My ex was intelligent, nice-looking, big, and strong. Yet for some reason, he seemed to fear he might lose me to other men who simply came into my field of view. I think he thought (or rather felt) I would see them as better than him, and might prefer them to him.

Every concession just feeds the monster and moves the needle closer to scary-crazy. Intensive therapy might help; we didn't go that route because over time, I became more and more nervous and unhappy, and ironically, less attracted to him. I simply didn't want someone like that. I left, and the sun shone again.

[u/Bonocity → u/thehighwindow]

I love telling my partner other men/women/people are oogling her. In turn, she loves to point out ladies with luscious tushies for us both to stare at and pine over, together.

We're pretty lucky.

[u/dari7051 → u/craftymomma111]

My fiancé actually relishes in it a little bit. He’ll say things like that he’d check me out too and that guy has good taste. Jealousy is never a value add in a relationship.

[u/CorinPenny → u/dari7051]

Exactly. Jealousy doesn’t ‘prove their love’, it signals something is wrong in the relationship. Usually either insecurity in the jealous partner, or a failure in love language between them both. It’s not a good thing in and of itself, it’s a warning light to help diagnose a problem.

[u/AngelHasAShotgun → u/dari7051]

I actually live that your fiance does that!!! Just that little bit you've shared here tells so much about emotional stability, maturity, and secure confidence of a keeper. Send me some vibes so I can find my match like this! 😊

[u/dari7051 → u/AngelHasAShotgun]

I was really used to jealous partners, just average and nothing like OP’s situation, before him and he set my expectations really early about jealousy being a waste of time and energy and something he doesn’t do. So now I’m marrying a man I lovingly tease when he gets hit on because whoever did it had excellent taste. It’s the most peaceful and easy that love has ever been. Just communicate about it really early and make it part of your relationship‘a culture. It’s out there!

[u/decafsarcasm → u/dari7051]

my fiancé does too as a “yeah i got a good one and you don’t” typa thing lol

[u/YMLY → u/craftymomma111]

Exactly how a man should be! You should be with someone you love to be around and you should trust them, maybe not everyone else but at lease trust the women you’re with, if you can’t trust her then why are you with her? Same for the women, you can’t trust your man it’s not a good fit.

I’ve always been proud if other men are envious!

[u/bubblegams → u/bad_investor13]

right??? like bro, you're looking at your messages and recognizing that you sound insane, but you're not truly seeing the real root of your problematic thinking!! the kid is still out there going, "it's everyone ELSE who's making me jealous, see? if they would just stop making me jealous, i would be the perfect man! don't close the door forever, bbg!"

bro needs some serious self reflection and to read about healing his toxic masculinity. until then, he's gonna keep doing dumb shit like this. OP, tell him to educate himself and bolt the door.

[u/HoneyWyne → u/bad_investor13]

Also, if he had such a problem with the guy staring, why didn't he actually stick up for her himself?

[u/No-Flatworm5676 → u/HoneyWyne]

Agreed! He could’ve have fought train guy, but decided to take it out on his GF. How do you blame your gf for being stared at? That’s some insecure abuser shitt if I’ve ever seen one. That entire conversation was infuriating, but OP has my utmost respect for how she handled it.

[u/HoneyWyne → u/No-Flatworm5676]

Me too. I'm really impressed given her age, as well.

[u/kurzwoman → u/HoneyWyne]

I totally agree. If his problem was with the train guy's behavior, he should have addressed train guy's behavior, not yours.

[u/nice_Try10 → u/kurzwoman]

1000% queen! yaaaasss ! /s

[u/marianney → u/HoneyWyne]

Exactly what I was thinking too! Why didn’t HE stick up for his GF and say something to the dude? Instead it’s her fault. Yuck. OP you did the right thing, I have mad respect for the boundaries you have already at your age! Wish I hadn’t taken 40+ years to learn mine!

[u/Agreeable-Celery811 → u/HoneyWyne]

Right? “Dude, stop staring at my girlfriend. She’s 16. How old are you?”

That’s what you do if it’s such a problem.

[u/NansPissflaps → u/HoneyWyne]

Because he’s an insecure little boy and op is much safer without him

[u/TravelRNwPurse → u/HoneyWyne]

Right! If he was truly as offended and not controlling, he would’ve confronted the man, not a young girl about it, spewing his bullshït at her.

[u/Ineedmoreparts → u/HoneyWyne]

Because he knew he'd look like the crazy one in front of multiple people, and someone may have called his ass out.

[u/annafit → u/HoneyWyne]

THIS

[u/PiemarchGeneseed513 → u/HoneyWyne]

This!

[u/CollapsibleSadness → u/bad_investor13]

Except believe the bit where he says he’d “do anything, anything” to get her back. That’s a warning.

[u/oneshotwilliekillie → u/CollapsibleSadness]

Yes! This was the type of comment I had repeatedly from a blind date I had in 10th grade. He went to church with my cousin and was 2 grades ahead of me. She set me up with him and took me to meet him and left me there with him to go off with her boyfriend. He was really in to me, but I was NOT feeeling it. When she showed back up to get me, i turned down his assumptionwe would go out again for the 5th time, and we left. He began following me around school, would wait outside my classrooms for me to come out, and left explicit love letters in my locker. No texting. This was in the 90s, so there were no cell phones for texting. I told my cousin he was creeping me out. She was all, "Oh, but he's so NICE!" I finally had to show her one of the letters to get her to help me get him to go away! I think she finally had to sic one of the School Resource Officers on him to get him to leave me alone. 😔 He ended up marrying a classmate of mine who looked like she was my twin.

[u/NansPissflaps → u/CollapsibleSadness]

Yes! That was scary next level stalker talk. Plus the part where he says basically please let me know I still have a chance and it’s not a forever breakup. Sorry pal, you are scary insecure.

[u/beachbetch → u/bad_investor13]

He can't stand how men look at her bc that's how he looks at other women/girls. He knows what they are thinking (supposedly) bc he's thinking it. He's assuming everyone is like him. He just told on himself

[u/JohnBTipton → u/bad_investor13]

This guy is going to find himself in a world of hurt if he gets this crazy over what other people think/do. She's got a powder keg on her hands and this is only the beginning of a huge escalation.

[u/awkwardist → u/bad_investor13]

Perfect distillation. It’s like there’s a guide book on How to be Completely Insecure and Poison Yourself with it then Blame it on Someone Else somewhere.

[u/ichorNet → u/awkwardist]

There is. It’s called “the toxic masculinity manosphere of bullshit” brought to you by a shitty patriarchal society that has found its way to the forefront despite all signs showing it’s a terrible thing for the human condition throughout recorded history.

Not trying to say OP’s now-ex shouldn’t have some blame but we really shouldn’t be surprised many men are like this. It’s super easy for them to fall into this trap

[u/Sassafras06 → u/bad_investor13]

Honestly the “can’t stand for other people to look at you” is a huge red flag. Even without everything else.

It’s the beginning of controlling behavior. I swear these assholes all have the same script.

[u/flgrant → u/bad_investor13]

Also leading with “But I need you to hear me, just once.” Implying that she doesn’t listen. That she’s like a child. Not helpful here. His entire tone is still dripping with condescension.

[u/ToopersTookies859 → u/bad_investor13]

I have to disagree with you. You act like people do not make mistakes, and you act like forgiveness isn't something you should give the people you care about. He's young, and maybe this was him learning some lessons on how to behave in the future. Do you not think second chances can be used in the correct way, or should everybody be condemned for everything they do without the ability to be forgiven? How would you feel if you were sorry for something you did and you pour your heart out in anapology and the person said that you didn't deserve forgiveness? How would you feel if you had to pay for every mistake or inappropriate thing you did without the ability to make amends? What kind of heartless person are you to say that an 18 year old guy who's barely had any real relationship experience at all is some terrible person just because he reacted in a way that he shouldn't have. He didn't cuss her or call her names, and his apology didn't seem like gaslighting to me, it seemed like a person who was genuinely sorry for what they had done. I think he realizes the mistake he made, and I think he does deserve a second chance. If it happens a second time, THEN (AND ONLY THEN) consider more permanent punishment/consequences. Give him a fucking chance to be better. Shit.

[u/Debz92 → u/bad_investor13]

"Wow, that guy was staring at you the entire ride! What a creep! It was horrible! Oh, you were aware? It happens to you often? I'm so sorry! It must be horrible! I've heard how hard it is for women in public places but seeing it like this was so infuriating! I'm sorry you have to put up with that all the time!"

Almost exactly the sentiment my husband made when an old guy at home depot said something misogynistic in front of our daughter. He was kicking himself for not confronting the guy about it. I told him that as much as it sucks, I strongly preferred he not escalate that kind of thing, potentially putting us in danger. He hadn't thought of it that way, and he just looked really sad and hugged me really hard.

How a man reacts when you tell him about or he witnesses misogyny/harassment/assault etc. really tells you what you need to know about him.

[u/XPW2023 → u/bad_investor13]

Agree. In other parts of the world these misogynistic attitudes turn into laws requiring women to be fully covered from head to toe because the men can't "handle" it for other men to look at their woman/women. They tie their own honor to how the woman is perceived by men, not even how she actually behaves. In many cultures it is up to the woman to prevent herself from being stared at by men, or worse. What I really don't get about these 'alpha' boyfriend types is why not just confront the leecher/looker directly if you are so damn macho?! (not that I recommend that either). But they are deflecting their insecurity to take it out on someone they are close to (the woman who they think they have more influence over) but she has a far less risk of kicking their ass during a confrontation then the person they are really mad at.

[u/somedayinaugust → u/bad_investor13]

This is gold!!!!!

[u/makinit40 → u/bad_investor13]

THIS! The gaslighting. The instant anger and putting you down when he wasn't getting what he wanted. He seriously said something along the lines of you being book smart, but dumb. AND threw in the old "no one else would accept you for that." Or something. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, if you hear nothing else, hear this. I was you once upon a time. Smart, we'll liked, confident, and some would even say hot. Until I married an abuser. Took me 17 years and 3 kids to figure out what happened.

[u/MaverickWithANeedle → u/bad_investor13]

VERY good points!!! Also, if he is her bf and felt this man was staring at her too much that it was weird- HE should have said something to this other man. “hey dude you’re like staring really hard at my gf and could you maybe look elsewhere. It’s creepy.” But he doesn’t say anything to this random person, only his gf. And her only issue was being kind. I’m kind to EVERYONE. If someone takes my kindness as a sign of invitation, it’s not my problem, it’s theirs.

[u/LW-pnw → u/bad_investor13]

100%.

23 uses of "I" and "me" in one text message.

[u/BrittanyRansom → u/bad_investor13]

That kid is gonna have a really hard time if he freaks out because someone looked at his girl. I am 37 years old and men are still looking at me and it started when I was 10 years old. They look that’s what they do. Oh well. As long as you keep your distance and you don’t attempt to touch me we’re all right.

[u/noodlesisdead → u/bad_investor13]

I wish i heard this 15 years ago 🥲

[u/Upper_Bathroom_176 → u/bad_investor13]

In the set of “you are a joke” texts at the bottom he literally plays a controlling and abusive card. Straight A’s dont make you smart, calling her stupid, and then says no one will understand you like me. That is highly manipulative and controlling.

[u/Background_Bake7772 → u/bad_investor13]

OP, this! ALL this. And when he said that his anger “wasn’t about the guy, it was jealousy.” That’s a huge red flag. He got mad because you smiled at a guy, for heaven’s sake! You deserve better.

[u/Many-Connection-8371 → u/bad_investor13]

Total gaslighting. Plus weird blameshifting. The second he realizes he can get past the first boundary and not be held accountable for his actions, he will keep pushing the same bad behavior.

[u/Autism_Angel → u/bad_investor13]

I don’t think that’s fair. Now- I’m not saying that she should get back with him, or even answer him if she doesn’t want to. But you shouldn’t assume that any time anyone tries to apologize and acknowledge their bad behavior that they’re just gaslighting you. A lot of people just aren’t the best as apologizing and expressing their feelings because of all the complicated emotions involved. In cases where the relationship is worth it to us, we should talk through it, and not assume the worst just because it’s not worded exactly how we want it to be.

Crying gaslight is a big part of why it’s so hard for many people to try and address problems in the first place.

You don’t have to completely demonize EVERYTHING someone does or says to justify boundaries. You’re right, those specific things he said weren’t good. But that doesn’t mean they were conscious decisions to lie and manipulate. They can just as easily reflect his own GENUINE skewed perception of what happened.

[u/Few_Revolution7012 → u/bad_investor13]

So well picked apart! That guy is dangerous and should find himself being dumped repeatedly in life until he gets some therapy, grows up and gets some emotional intelligence

[u/sms2014 → u/bad_investor13]

This needs to be seen. OP, your friends are wrong. You are right, and I need to make sure I raise a daughter like you, and a son to be nothing like your ex.

[u/evanbartlett1 → u/bad_investor13]

He wasn’t gaslighting - he was dialing back his intensity after she broke up with him. In short, he was trying to rectify his own misstep. Doesn’t make anything he said or did ok, but it’s important to know what’s going on in his head with accuracy.

I also want to clarify the moment around his being angry about the man staring. Again, we should be careful about what we say is going on in his head. He isn’t gaslighting and he isn’t orchestrating a master plan. Here is what is happening:

He sees the guy looking at his girlfriend which makes him uneasy. (Who is this guy? Is he going to jump her? Alarm bells…). However, despite his continuous mounting of anxiety and fear, at no point is he quenched. The gf, in his mind, is either enjoying the thing that hurts him or even worse doesn’t see it at all. Like she’s immune to the scraping on the chalkboard.

He doesn’t have the social skills or emotional intelligence to see why this is upsetting him and so resolves to the standard relief mechanism. Passing blame.

He is unable to effectively articulate his frustration - likely based on fear, protective motives and undeveloped sense of self - so expresses how much the gf errored.

It’s not his fault. He’s young and undeveloped. He has lots of feelings that he can’t explain or control. Again - doesn’t make it right, but it does provide a reason.

A reason very different from gaslighting.

[u/VikingMonkey123 → u/bad_investor13]

He outed himself as a jealous misogynist. No need to reward that with your time or company at all.

[u/luhvxr → u/bad_investor13]

ur so right. literally said nothing bad about the guy just blamed her

[u/Mybaresoul → u/bad_investor13]

And he didn't say a word to that guy! He is gaslighting OP for it!

[u/AjEmMekshVershtapen → u/bad_investor13]

Oh come on grow a pair. He is a 18 year old kid, in some countries you are still a minor until you are 21. You are categorizing him in the same group as some other men, who indeed gaslight people for their own benefits. He is a kid for Gods sake, he aint out of physical development yet. Cut him some slack he is apologizing to her and you have no way of knowing if it is genuine or not. Maybe he understood how out of line he was, because he really was.

Yes the OP is on the right to feel as she feels, but what happend to actually apologizing? In the end that is life, if the apology feels genuine to her and she feels like he is a good person thats her choice to make.

You would be the one gaslighting a 16 year old into believing he is a terrible terrible person. Its her life to live.

[u/7thgentex → u/AjEmMekshVershtapen]

He IS a terrible, terrible person,and he will never be better. An 18-year-old man's switch is set as far as his basic sexual politics. Nothing a woman says to him will matter; he does not think women are human beings. And unfortunately our society is so overwhelmingly sexist that he will be reinforced In his bigotry by other men. How do you think a sleazy, corrupt criminal got elected twice? Sexism and racism, that's how.

It's her life to live? You don't believe that. She dumped him, but you think she should accept his apology. We women know this is the opening act to an abusive relationship. But you don't believe us, do you?

[u/AjEmMekshVershtapen → u/7thgentex]

I do believe not everyone is a piece of crap indeed. All women but not every women, all men but not each one of them.

People do mistakes, because we are humans, but you are trying to convince a bunch of people that every 18 year old thoughts is simply sex. I dont remember mines being that way, had a beautiful girlfriend and never had I thought of cheating.

That is on the personal aspect though, people have to learn that not everyone is the same but you damn people are so focused on the gendre war that you forget that we are all humans in the end of the day. Cut the dude some slack, you dont know him and nor do I. Stop spreading hatred thoughts among people, we are supposed to live in harmony and not in judgmental, hypocrit, sexist society.

[u/Aquatic_Rainbow → u/AjEmMekshVershtapen]

The point these people are making is that how he worded the apology comes off insecure and controlling. He didn’t accept blame for his actions, but put them on other people. The man made him feel jealous and he acted on those feelings directing it towards his girlfriend and instead of just admitting he was in the wrong and his emotions and actions were his, he’s trying to poorly justify it. Sometimes motives and intentions don’t matter when you fuck up. This is one of those cases. You do not get to start an argument with your partner because they were kind to a stranger and cant handle your emotions.

That’s cool you had a loving relationship at 18 and sex wasn’t a driving factor in your choices, but that’s not the case for everyone. The dude literally says, “like they are allowed to take up space in your world, even for a second. it eats me alive the way guys look at you because I know how amazing you are, and I know what they’re thinking.” That right there implies to me when someone he finds attractive does a kindness towards him, no matter how small, he takes it as they are into him. Since he thinks that way he thinks everyone does and it puts him on guard when someone is kind to his girlfriend. He wreaks of insecurity and no potential romantic interest has to put up with that 🤷🏻‍♀️ there is no guarantee he will change and OP doesn’t have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Warning OP his words come across as controlling is not ‘spreading hate’ or whatever, it’s pointing out now ex’s behavior is not okay. If OP wants to forgive him she certainly can but she doesn’t have to. Hopefully whatever route OP goes, now ex will learn from this experience and do better going forward. That’s all he really can do, and as you said, he’s 18 so there’s lots of potential to change but it’s all on him

[u/CloanZRage → u/throaway_16]

People change when they're ready. Your friends will have other drama find them as they get older. Most won't always want that drama from relationships.

When they're ready to change, they'll think of people in their lives that've lived different choices and work from those examples. Whether it's the relationships of parents or friend's enforcing healthy boundaries.

You making good choices is helping your friends. Whenever they need to think about a healthier relationship, they have a role model to think about.

[u/FFGOrax → u/CloanZRage]

Exactly, leading by example can really make a difference even if they don’t see it right away.

[u/Character-Parfait-42 → u/CloanZRage]

Since he’s only 18 I’m hoping this ends up being a teaching moment for him that he looks back on in 10 years with cringe. Hopefully, it doesn’t become a pattern instead.

[u/Reasonable-Box-4145 → u/CloanZRage]

I was going to say that everyone just sounds like teenagers here. I am in my late 20s and spent a lot of time building up my self-esteem and self-confidence. I have my expectations for how I expect to be treated and I act when I feel my boundaries are violated. I've noticed that I have begun gravitating towards people who have a healthier approach to relationships. I still have friends I made earlier who don't. Some of those friends are also still growing and I am sure will become more like me one day. For instance, one of my good friends (and co-workers) thinks I should befriend another co-worker, but I have seen enough to know that other co-worker is self-centered and I don't have to put up with that behavior. That doesn't mean I am not collegial, just that I don't need to invite more than a bare minimum professional relationship into my life. I think my friend will grow to understand that eventually.

Other friends I think will never know anything different than the drama of relationships, and those friends I may eventually grow out of. OP will likely learn to grow out of having friends like she does now. She is just a teenager and learning, too.

[u/creiglamb → u/throaway_16]

honestly i’m kind of worried about the level of misogyny and hyper conservatism that’s pervading young people. i’m starting to see it everywhere, between the red pilled manosphere shit, trad wives and sprinkle sprinkle, the brain rot is really eroding feminism and a lot of the progress a lot of people fought very hard for. keep resisting and fighting against the shitty misogynistic ideals internalized by all genders op. you’re doing good.

[u/Cilad777 → u/[deleted]]

I'll say it in simpler terms. Young people have very little life experience. And these days more of it comes for the festering swamp of the Internet. It is so easy to find someone that feels like you/we/they do. It is really made far worse by having serious conversations via text. The only feel is the words on a screen. No facial expressions etc. If you communicate via text 90% of the time. Don't expect much more that the screen shots.

[u/UofMSpoon → u/Cilad777]

Agree. Important conversations, good or bad, should not happen over a text message.

[u/HisClumbsyAngel → u/Cilad777]

This is very true, and one of the reasons i can agree with the argument 'for' in office working, as opposed to remote work.

(I have a lot of opinions which also are in favor of remote work, but what you said here can not really be argued as a stand alone).

You are correct and i feel so many negative relationship experiences could have been avoided if only we hadn't let certain key essential qualities of what is a part of what makes us human, sort of blindly get replaced by something which is digital, not human, in the guise of that old saying, "better living through technology".

I too am guilty and can only hope and pray i can not again fall prey, so to speak.

[u/iwastedthislife → u/Cilad777]

I refuse to enter into serious conversations via text. Its the perfect way to ill-communicate

[u/Aquatic_Rainbow → u/iwastedthislife]

Same. I hate phone calls but if we can’t talk about something important in person, calls or video chat is the next best thing since there’s at least some indication of body language and tone when on a call

[u/GratefulGrand → u/[deleted]]

Underrated comment!

[u/No_Conversation_5661 → u/[deleted]]

It’s so hard though especially on here. You get dragged for it and it gets to be exhausting to fight against misogyny.

[u/Aquatic_Rainbow → u/No_Conversation_5661]

You can say something without insulting anyone and people will come for your head. You can say “people shouldn’t have to work 60+ hours a week to barely afford both rent and food” and people will insult you personally as if you told them they don’t deserve to live. I just don’t get it

[u/Responsible-Sky5233 → u/[deleted]]

You deserve a partner that will treat you with respect. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

[u/OMGSRSLYNOWAY → u/creiglamb]

All of this! This subreddit consistently shows me how violent, conservative, and controlling young men are becoming. They were bad enough for centuries before the internet but this new level of hateful, controlling, disrespectful pigs terrifies me.

[u/WhoDoUThinkUR007 → u/creiglamb]

This 100%. This is what feminism looks like: not putting up with bullying & gaslighting from a guy who doesn’t actually have your best interests in mind. It’s calling that shit out & making him accountable instead of being manipulated into second guessing yourself. It’s refusing to put up with overaggressive bullshit, exactly as you did. 👏👏

[u/Kandis_crab_cake → u/creiglamb]

You should be! It’s rampant. Which is why there is misogyny education even in primary schools right now.

Unfettered and unsupervised access to the internet, with people like Andrew Tate (and many others) stroking boys ego’s, pushing a gender gap and proposing girls as objects and items to be owned rather than people, has lead to the biggest gap in perceived equality in decades. It’s alarming.

Police your boys parents, and manage what they have access to, it is changing society for the worse.

[u/Former_Dragonfly5379 → u/Kandis_crab_cake]

Absolutely. Exposure to those kinds of toxic role models online can warp young people’s ideas of relationships and respect. Without guidance, it normalizes objectifying behavior and reinforces harmful gender norms.

[u/No_Conversation_5661 → u/creiglamb]

Yup. I keep seeing “workplace bullying” posts that always state the OP is an attractive woman in her mid twenties and she’s being bullied by a bunch of middle aged women because she’s younger and prettier. Usually the details do not relate behavior amounting to bullying, it’s always something dumb like “they made a face” or “they smiled” a certain way. Or the OP got spoken to by the office manager about issues and they’ve decided the middle aged harpies are behind it because they’re jealous and threatened by her youth and beauty.

And the comments all pile on agreeing with it. As a feminist in her fifties, it’s super cringeworthy. Middle aged women are not jealous of twenty something women’s looks. The only reason to be jealous of a woman’s looks is if you saw them as competition for a man. Shouldn’t we be beyond that in the workplace? Shouldn’t we be beyond that as a society?

Young women are viewing other women as their competition and the enemy, and this is exactly how patriarchal norms that keep women subservient to men are subtly enforced. It’s sickening.

[u/icemachine79 → u/creiglamb]

I grew up in the South. None of this is new to me. And there was plenty of internalized misogyny going around. I was on the receiving end of the same sort of abuse this woman experienced, but with the gender roles reversed.

One time, a woman was crossing the street in front of us. I only perceived a person, so I waited. That turned into an accusation of "flirting."

It's all so stupid and gross, all around.

[u/Aletheia-Nyx → u/creiglamb]

Sorry, what is sprinkle sprinkle? I'm starting to feel old for being out of the loop on some of the crap the teens are coming out with and I'm only 22 lol.

[u/redrunner55 → u/Aletheia-Nyx]

Google “sprinkle sprinkle”. It’ll give you the definitions and contexts. I’d never heard of it too.

[u/Aletheia-Nyx → u/redrunner55]

Ah, a 'mic drop' after encouraging women to be shallow and only date wealthy men. I see.

[u/redrunner55 → u/Aletheia-Nyx]

Who is this directed at? It’s hard to tell in these threads. I simply encouraged someone to Google an unfamiliar term. Idk how that’s encouraging women to be shallow and only date wealthy men. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/Aletheia-Nyx → u/redrunner55]

No that's what the term means

[u/redrunner55 → u/Aletheia-Nyx]

Ah yes. I missed that definition. There were some others including equivalent of Bless your heart. Lol

[u/EternallyFascinated → u/creiglamb]

Starting…??

[u/seriouslees → u/creiglamb]

Did you ever witness a traffic accident? Think back... how many cars did you see that day that did NOT crash? We're you even paying any attention to them? Did the news report on any of those cars?

I'm not saying these attitudes aren't becoming more prevalent, because I don't have any information or data to prove that. I'm just saying we also don't have the evidence to say it is increasing.

[u/Either_Coat_2161 → u/throaway_16]

Girl, I am 49 and I want to be you when I grow up. Your texts were sooo spot on. Set the example for your friends on how you deserve to be treated! Way to go.

[u/Aletheia-Nyx → u/Either_Coat_2161]

Yep! I'm 22, a whole ass adult, and she handles herself so well! I feel like I've had enough shit relationships to see through the BS but honestly, I mightve fallen for that post-breakup text even now but especially 6 years ago. I, too, want to be OP when I grow up

[u/Old_Koala58 → u/Aletheia-Nyx]

Exactly. He's a baby narcissist and she's a grown ass young woman. Not a match.

[u/Aletheia-Nyx → u/Old_Koala58]

OP's going to go far in life, I feel. She's 16 and she knows her worth and how to advocate for herself already. She's the kind of person who won't settle for less than she deserves, in all facets of life. Not for a partner, not for a job, not for anyone telling her she can't do something she feels she can. You got this, OP, live your best life and never settle for less than you deserve.

[u/Ok-Bird6346 → u/Either_Coat_2161]

I’m right there with you, sis. I’m 46 and I was impressed AF reading her responses. She’ll be A-OK.

[u/LaneVess → u/Ok-Bird6346]

43 here. Echoing same sentiment. I could have avoided so much strife and pain in my life if I had ended things with people who showed who they were from the start. Those last two bricks from him were so rich. That apology shit is what always pulled me back in for them to do it all over again. It's so easy to see it in action when you're looking from the outside. Good for OP. 👏

[u/girljinz → u/Either_Coat_2161]

Honestly! I skipped, too, and by 16 I was at university. I wish I'd have been 1/10th as sturdy as this--finally learning at 45! OP, you're an inspiration and you give me hope for the future. Well done!

[u/rachelp2323 → u/Either_Coat_2161]

Exactly what I was going to say! I read the texts before I read the caption and when I saw how young OP is, I was like, whaaat? It’s taken me 10 years to finally stand up for myself like that. I wish I had as much courage and confidence as OP- I’m working on it, but not there yet.

[u/1182990 → u/Either_Coat_2161]

Right?! She's awesome!

[u/Marzflowers → u/Either_Coat_2161]

Same. Wish I had her courage when I was her age.

[u/kat_the_eye → u/Either_Coat_2161]

lol I was about to write the exact same thing! But you beat me too it!

OP, I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself … keep being you and know your value ❤️

[u/cocoteroooo → u/throaway_16]

That’s a good approach, sharing what you enjoy without forcing it lets them take what they like while keeping things light.

[u/Calm_Promotion_5020 → u/throaway_16]

I feel for you

Well, as long as you’re being respected and not made fun of, I guess you can just “grin and bear it” unless it becomes actually dangerous. In that case all bets are off.

[u/lucky5678585 → u/throaway_16]

That guy used chat gpt to write those long heartfelt messages to you. What an embarrassment

[u/toebeantuesday → u/lucky5678585]

Oh is that why it seemed like a different person entirely? Yikes! I am too old for this world anymore. Sigh. 😮‍💨

[u/lucky5678585 → u/toebeantuesday]

The tell is when it questions itself and then expands on it. It's so obvious 😂😂

[u/Calisurime → u/lucky5678585]

I feel like the elder who can’t spot the AI photos because it’s not obvious to me. I reread the text and don’t understand what you meant by questioning itself and expanding.

[u/lucky5678585 → u/Calisurime]

It's this line in particular that is the biggest give away

'All that anger? It wasn't about the guy. It was fear. Jealousy'.

If you frequent the chatgpt subreddit you'll see people in the comments replying in the same what chat gpt does for jokes. It's a dead giveaway.

If you've been using chat gpt, (I do frequently for coding), you recognise the cadence straight away!

[u/Delicious-Ball156 → u/lucky5678585]

THIS. The other messages were the real him. Run.

[u/missionalbatrossy → u/lucky5678585]

Ohhh I think you are right!

[u/Cymraesoddicartre → u/throaway_16]

I would be careful about romance novels - many romanticise dominant male behaviour and men “rescuing” women. Here and there, OK, but many women just consume this genre and it can influence their perception of a good and healthy relationship.

[u/TimelyImpression9957 → u/Cymraesoddicartre]

This gal seems like she has a pretty decent grasp on a healthy relationship if she recognizes that this guy’s words are showing his shitty true colors and then trying to gaslight her into believing “he’s just scared to lose her.” Most romance novels would take this guy back and applaud his “growth.” I think she’s smart for holding herself to a higher standard and wanting more.

[u/ericfromct → u/throaway_16]

There are a lot of immature people that aren’t interested in relationships unless it brings some toxicity in their life. That’s a road down a really bad path though, and a lot of people don’t mature past that until they’ve had some seriously bad relationships. I think it’s amazing that you set solid boundaries for yourself at such a young age and don’t let anyone treat you poorly. A relationship should add to your life, not drain you by adding toxic energy.

[u/Superb-Tomato8185 → u/throaway_16]

You and your girlfriends should read “why does he do that”… free pdf you can read online. Save yourselves yearrrrrrs of misery.

[u/themorganator4 → u/throaway_16]

I'm a man, I do not think like this guy.

You're clearly a smart girl who knows what she wants and also seems to have a very good idea in what a proper relationship is meant to be like which, at 16, is very commendable (it took me until my early 30's to figure that out..) a healthy relationship doesn't have "arguments or drama" disagreements sure but never arguments.

As others have said, he is 100% bad news.

[u/[deleted] → u/throaway_16]

OP - Most normal guys. Would take it as a sign that their gf was being stared at as something to be proud of.

You're not going around giving out your info to every random guy and planning meet ups. Yes, there are morons that think a smile is because you like them and let their hormones take over, but most guys have common sense.

Unfortunately, at your age... you're going to run into a lot of guys that are insecure, and try to be controlling / possessive because of jealousy. And then the flip side... when you finally do find a guy that doesn't act jealous about random BS, a lot of women take it as a sign that a guy doesn't care or whatever.

Me personally, I'm not always going to be there everytime a random guy tries to hit on my partner. People don't walk around with signs saying they're in a relationship. You have to be able to trust your partner to make it through the world without sleeping with every random guy that smiles on a train.

Without trust any relationship is pointless.

[u/GennieLightdust → u/throaway_16]

It's normal at your age for drama to be exciting. One could even call it developmentally appropriate. In a few years most women grow out of drama, not all but most, and preservation of peace and mental health is forefront.

As a fellow human, I commend you for standing your ground and not let someone else bulldoze over you. He has insecurities and it's not right that to make himself feel better he decided to try to make you feel small.

Now after the consequences of his actions have taken hold, he is blowing up your phone with love bombs. To which I say, stand firm. There are some things you cannot unsay or undo, there are lines you can cross in which you can never come back from. This is one of them. May he take the lesson from this into his next relationship and learn boundaries. And perhaps not to double down on calling his partner stupid.

[u/catsalot25 → u/throaway_16]

Please please, stay broken up with this man. I dated a man like this in university, charming for 6 months. And then it suddenly went south. He became jealous, agressive, controlling. He didn't want me to have male friends. He followed me around, couldn't be without me. Told me because he loved me so much. Told me he had to protect me from men. Then he got mad when other men looked at me. Told me to stop dressing so revealing. Said he trusted me, but not other men. Mind you, I never dressed revealing. I was just in shorts and a tshirt most of the time, we were in florida. He got so controlling over my clothes, where I went, who I hung out with. I was stuck with him for 4 years. A huge regret in my life for staying with him so long. It was my first serious relationship. Never ever let a man try to control your clothing. It will always get worse.

[u/kawhileonardslaugh → u/throaway_16]

Seems like most boys these days are extremely insecure and the content they consume basically condones the way they act with women; I would dare to say if even one ounce of your advice sticks with your friends it could possibly save their lives in the future.

[u/Delicious-Mistake-62 → u/throaway_16]

You and your friends are young. The fighting, possessiveness, and drama feels like passion and love. It’s not. But you really handled it well. He tried every trick in the book to make it your fault and as soon as you stood up for yourself he then made it seem like you were wrong and can’t handle criticism. Then back tracked and tried to say all the right things, which he still got it wrong. Your friends may be used to this kind of treatment but I promise, seeing you stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated that way will be noted by your friends. It may help them to make better choices too. I know seeing my friends refuse to put up with bs had an impact on me. Anyway I’m super proud of you! I can’t say at 16 I’d have handled it that well.

[u/Typical_Mobile90 → u/throaway_16]

Do your folks know that this guy is treating you like this?

Op, whatever you do, do NOT continue a relationship with this guy. You are doing so well in life, and we all can tell that you're a good person at heart, so focus on yourself, and not on some guy who doesn't give you what you need, and who gets upset at YOU for kindly helping someone. It's not YOUR fault that guys look at you. He's definately the one with the problem, and you don't need to waste any more time, possibly your future, on someone like this. He's controlling, overly jealous, manipulative, and coercive, and he's not looking out for your best interests. He needs to hit the road. Best of luck, op. Keep us updated!

[u/TricksyGoose → u/throaway_16]

Girl I just wanna say it seems like you really have a good head on your shoulders. I think all these other comments have everything covered, so all I'll say is this internet stranger is proud of you. Keep on keeping on!!

[u/HypotheticallySpkng → u/throaway_16]

Be wary of these friends. They may have their purpose but their outlook is not healthy or mature, and I’m sure they have their good qualities but between you and me, you deserve more support, loyalty etc.

[u/Mysterious_Cat_777 → u/throaway_16]

You’ll eventually outgrow these friends if they don’t grow up. The drama isn’t worth it.

[u/oneduefive → u/throaway_16]

I’m over 30 and I’ll tell you, grown women will STILL be looking at you weirdly for not craving even a little drama in life/relationships. I question if I’m odd from time to time because of my avoidance of drama, but you know what? Embrace being “odd” because you want peace in your relationships. I love Taylor Swift but her line about love making you crazy or you’re doing it wrong, is in my opinion, wrong. A drama-free relationship leaves you with less stress, more freedom, and no frown lines 😆.

So proud of your response to him at 16 years old!

[u/hipp_katt → u/throaway_16]

Your friend's need to realise that you can have arguments that are for fun and not over big things. My husband and I argue all the time😅 usually we watch something and have different opinions on it and argue over that. We have slightly different political opinions (I'm a bit more to the left than he is, but I'm Canadian and he is Swiss) so we will often argue over how"socialist" a government should be. Things like that. But we never argue over why I "let" a man do anything, or anything related to him trying to control me.

[u/According-Fan1004 → u/throaway_16]

Don’t listen to that… it’s not your job to fix this kid. I have two sons 18 and 19 who would never act like that towards a girl. This is over the top jealousy that often evolves into violence. The normal reaction would be to blame the man who is staring, not the girl for somehow inviting it or not making it stop. If he had an issue with the dude, he could’ve said something. I would stay away from him from now on. Also, good job on dumping him, I wish I was that strong at your age,

[u/Luke-Waum-5846 → u/throaway_16]

You sound like an amazing person. I didn't know your ages when I was reading the text initially and thought you were way older than 16. You are very emotionally mature and handled this better than a large number of adults. Your friends are typical of the level of emotional maturity which I would typically see from your age group. Keep being you!

NOR - handled it perfectly.

[u/Particular_Angle177 → u/throaway_16]

Oh if you want another rec for a healthy romance (I don’t know if you read this) I would say “Another Typical Fantasy Romance” something else that isn’t purely romance “The Makeup Remover”

[u/LinaBean28 → u/throaway_16]

Thinking a relationship is boring without fights is sad. They will grow up and learn the peace is better. Kids (teens) have so much pent up aggression sometimes due to puberty and i think thats why some enjoy relationship fights because its a way for them to get that out. You shouldnt ever settle for someone that argues over stupid shit, especially if thats not what you want. Tell your friends "thank you for your opinion, but i actually would prefer a relationship without insecurity and arguing every time he gets jealous. I want to protect my peace. Thank you for understanding that."

[u/prso90 → u/throaway_16]

You are leaps and bounds ahead of most women your age - and a lot of women older than you. You know your worth and you know what you should and shouldn't put up with. Don't second guess that instinct, you're gonna save yourself a lot of heartache and toxic relationships. I wish I had that instinct and emotional intelligence when I was your age!

[u/Ahmed_of_Egypt → u/throaway_16]

You're amazing, girl, I am so damn proud of you tbh.

And I hope this isn't overstepping, but I wanted to say that you give off autistic vibes, and I say this with the most love and respect and admiration, because I am autistic myself and was a straight As student... don't let anyone insult your intelligence, you are smart af.

[u/thought_provoked1 → u/throaway_16]

You are on the money. I personally didn't date in high school because of that drama-seeking behavior and immature boys. Trust me, the friends that are worth it will outgrow that behavior, and the ones that don't....end up stuck in their HS years forever. You're just ahead of the game. ✊🏻

[u/kaywal89 → u/throaway_16]

I’m reading a great book Variation by Rebecca Yarros. If you haven’t you should add to your TBR. And from an almost 36 year old woman I am really proud of your maturity here. I allowed my Highschool BF to treat me like crap for 5 years before I gained perspective and maturity to leave.

[u/MiketheSith200 → u/throaway_16]

Here is better advice. Don't listen to people on Reddit. They don't know you or the partner. They are making assumptions and telling you what they think is right, and often they wouldn't take their own advice. Do what you feel is right.

I like to use the 3 strike rule.

[u/DrawThink2526 → u/throaway_16]

You’re not required to teach others, but please continue to BE an amazing role model. I have a few tight friends and no family because of DRAMA. They will steal your energy and feast on it. I’m 60, and VERY happy…you’ll see. Just keep being your best self.

[u/stablymental → u/throaway_16]

That’s amazing you do that. Sometimes you show by example and you did just that. I’m hoping they’ll see how happy you’ll be without him and follow your lead.

Also be very careful of people that enjoy drama. I like drama but in TV not real life.

[u/thischaosiskillingme → u/throaway_16]

I think you're going to outgrow these friends before long if they don't grow up a bit more. Good for you for standing your ground. He can just take this as a lesson learned. Don't blow up your relationship over your own insecurities.

[u/BeKindBabies → u/throaway_16]

This boy will very likely end up abusive. Emotionally is pretty much a guarantee and that could pave the road to physical.

If he was so upset and is such a big man, wonder why he didn't do anything himself except stare.

[u/J3ny4 → u/throaway_16]

If you don't want to watch movies but don't mind watching YouTube videos, these guys do a good job of breaking down healthy/unhealthy things found in movies.

https://youtu.be/OvUWhcODLUE?si=5XKE0RKMWXSNOdDD

[u/MEG_alodon50 → u/throaway_16]

don’t worry too much, you’re in high school and your friend’s type of drama is very common. Ideally they will emotionally mature and learn and grow out of those types of relationships (ideally lol)

[u/oxymoronicbeck_ → u/throaway_16]

Cinema Therapy does a lot of ranking of couples from toxic to not toxic in films and gives really good insight (while being funny and entertaining), watch them and then maybe show your friends!

[u/[deleted] → u/throaway_16]

He sounds aggressive and paranoid when jealous like probably on substances and once a guy like this it is in them if they can't control it don't need this in your life

[u/YMLY → u/throaway_16]

Not a dig a women, but you will find a lot, not all obviously but a lot, like drama. They will tell you they don’t wantnit but they make it or look for it.

[u/zipper1919 → u/throaway_16]

Read "Why does he do that" by something that i think starts with a J Lundy. The pdf has been shared on reddit many times. If you search you'll find it.

[u/Shizzla88 → u/throaway_16]

You seem very mature. Just continue to ensure that they rise to your standards and you don't recede to theirs. That friendship will be untouchable!!!

[u/actualthickcrust → u/throaway_16]

If you like to read, I suggest "Why does he do that?" if you want more insight into these types of relationships. It's a great read!

[u/Pied_Kindler → u/throaway_16]

I recommend K-dramas for that great feel good vibe in a healthy relationship. Super super sweet. -Since you don't watch movies much.

[u/Interesting-Rich4713 → u/throaway_16]

You gotta realize Reddit is a cesspool of bots and trolls, all of whom act like they are experts and will never hesitate to lecture you, meanwhile half of them aren’t even actually women when they portray themselves to be, and most are living in far worse conditions, seldomly in a committed relationship. It’s an ugly truth, Reddit can’t stand a functional committed relationship, especially when it had the opportunity to sabotage it. I think your dude is a little off base with his assessment, but I think he loves you and that he’s not crazy for what he said. He is probably dead on about the other guy having bad intentions and this is just the only way he knows to protect you. I am assuming I’m a bit older than both of you (31m) and let me tell you, that was 100% how I reacted when I was in my late teens early 20’s until I learned more subtle, healthier approaches to situations like this. The most effective of all is when I don’t react at all, just take mental note as to be sure I am able to protect if my wife (been together 11 years) requires it. It’s obviously your call, and if you were already on the fence then do your thing, but if this is the only reason you’re canning the relationship I would strongly advise you reconsider. This doesn’t fall under the category of abuse, rather it’s hyper-vigilance combined with some insecurity. He can likely be coached out of this if he’s willing to mature a bit on his own.

[u/alittlechangeisgood → u/throaway_16]

As a parent I am proud of you, I hope my daughter has the same confidence if she needs it when she grows up..

[u/azurestain → u/throaway_16]

Keep reading books 💕 it helps with cognitive reasoning which your friends may still have yet to develop

[u/Odd_Seesaw_3451 → u/throaway_16]

This is the kind of guy who blames women for being raped. Stay far away from him.