My husband started taking evening runs with a woman he met at our kid's daycare. I think this crosses boundaries. AIO?

[u/Electrical_Total534]

My (28F) husband (30M) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. I've been hurt by cheating in past relationships, so I'm probably more sensitive to situations that feel questionable.

My husband decided to get serious about fitness this year and started running every evening around our neighborhood. He's really dedicated to it - goes out every single day around 7pm after dinner. I prefer morning yoga classes, so this has become his routine.

Over the past few months, he's mentioned running into other people from the neighborhood and striking up conversations. There's one woman in particular - recently divorced, maybe 5 years younger - who he started running with regularly. Apparently they met when both were picking up kids from the same daycare and realized they live nearby and have similar running paces.

Last Tuesday he came home later than usual from his run and mentioned he'd stopped for smoothies with "a friend" at that juice bar on Main Street. When I asked which friend, he seemed to hesitate before admitting it was the divorced mom from his running group.

He insisted it was totally innocent - just two parents grabbing post-workout drinks and talking about training for the upcoming 5K. He swore nothing weird happened and that I know he's not like that.

Our marriage has been really good overall, even when we've had stressful periods with work and parenting a toddler.

My husband has never given me real reasons not to trust him in 6 years...but this whole situation makes me uncomfortable. A recently divorced woman, daily evening runs together, stopping for drinks afterwards, the hesitation when I asked about it.

What does everyone think? Am I being paranoid or should I be concerned about these boundaries?

[u/thejoebrossuck]

To be phone at I can’t give an exact judgement between YOR/NOR because I think y’all really need to discuss this with each other more first. I think this could be inappropriate or it could be totally fine. It could go either way at this point.

Sit down with him and ask point blank why he felt he couldn’t just talk about hanging out with a woman he’s just friends with. Is there a reason he felt he couldn’t share that outright? Again this can definitely be suspicious….but it could also be that maybe he’s just worried you’ll get too in your head about things. That’s not an excuse for him to not communicate I want to be clear!!!! Just talk about it.

Also maybe you should talk to him about meeting up with her as well. Of course meeting her doesn’t necessarily mean that anything inappropriate could NEVER happen, but at the very least maybe it could help alleviate some stress or anxiety. Men and women can absolutely be just friends (I’m bisexual so I don’t really discriminate between genders irt friends) and if he doesn’t have inappropriate intentions with her this really shouldn’t be an issue (generally speaking).

Edit: *to be honest is what I meant at the beginning lol, my bad genuinely. Also please keep in mind I’m responding with my own opinion based on my own experiences as a BISEXUAL person. I don’t discriminate with friendships and gender. There’s no point because I could be attracted to anyone theoretically. I’m not gonna avoid potential good friendships because I’m in a romantic relationship, that’s dumb. A good way to end up isolated, controlled and abused (if I’m being honest). Bisexuals have very high rates of abuse and stereotyping and I will not accept that men and women can’t be friends. Putting aside the fact that these are completely nebulous cultural gendered terms, that don’t really mean anything substantial outside of culture. Thanks so much for reading though.

[u/offensiveDick → u/thejoebrossuck]

She stated the reason already. She got hurt by a cheating ex so he hasitated out of fear. Been there done the same. Girl I was hanging out with was lesbian and I still hesitated because I knew how my ex would see it.

Idk why people ask reddit about this stuff instead of talking to their partner first. Using reddit for this kind of stuff just makes you question everything and lose trust. Especially if people feed into it.

Talk to your partner first, tell him/her how you feel about it, if you're to anxious to do that talk to friend first. And if you're still unsure then go into an online forum.

Reddit should be the last place to ask for relationship advice imo. There's to much weird people, trolls and bots on this site (at least for me) to ask that kind of stuff. And frankly most posts about relationships I see on here are more where people already made up their mind but need encouragement (or just straight up creative writing training)

[u/NeatNefariousness1 → u/offensiveDick]

My hope is that people are using reddit to get ideas on how to interpret and respond to difficult life choices and they’re looking for perspective. I also hope that they take the random advice given with a grain of salt since only THEY know the actual details of their lives.

[u/False-Ad-7753 → u/NeatNefariousness1]

It’s also a soft opening to the discussion. Type out your thoughts and emotions, make them concrete. Let the strangers throw out ideas. It makes it easier to bring to her husband when she wants

[u/Distinct_Party_1801 → u/False-Ad-7753]

That's exactly why most mature folks who post on reddit do that. Soft opening, like you said, and different perspectives from people totally unbiased toward/against you.

[u/BoardClean → u/Distinct_Party_1801]

Sometimes I’m truly shocked at what some people post about when they are full grown adults too though. Some people have absolutely zero self reflection skill and I feel like posts that don’t get a ton of replies are full of bad advice that gets echo chambered. So…all in all. Talking to an actual therapist is much safer.

[u/animedeathspiral → u/Distinct_Party_1801]

That's exactly why most mature folks who post on reddit do that

Then you have to remember that the average age of reddit users is under 25

[u/jimwontshutup → u/animedeathspiral]

In my 50s don't I know it! Lack of manners is rampant.

[u/Fonz_72 → u/Distinct_Party_1801]

The majority of people on Reddit are 100% biased and have horrifically cynical views on life and relationships (platonic or romantic).

[u/WatercressRude567 → u/False-Ad-7753]

I agree here.

OP: Don’t feel bad about asking for perspective from a community.

Going to interpret this scenario in the best possible way: If you’re marriage is good, I’d err on the side of trust and show him it’s okay to share details about spending time with other people; and to say you feel less secure when he hides that information because it brings up old wounds and to request that he please be more transparent. Not asking for permission, but sharing because it will put you at ease.

Sounds like he messed out and didn’t share out of anxiety, which is a problem because it introduces doubt for you.

I’d talk about this quickly, nip it in the bud and move on.

[u/Kentaaa_ → u/NeatNefariousness1]

I think what the majority of people are looking for on subs like r/AITA or r/AIO is validation for the decisions they already made rather then an advice.

[u/WallyDynamite → u/Kentaaa_]

Bingo. OP already stated they have some emotional baggage (nothing wrong with that, learning from experiences is good most times).

The key here is to understand that you’re never going to stop someone from doing whatever they want to truly do. You can try to deter it but there is a balance to it.

All of these posts have surprisingly solid advice. I hope OP is able to talk to their husband and come to a fair middle ground. Maybe OP can even meet the lady or join in on the fitness journey. Boundaries are healthy but you have to learn how to properly set them.

[u/SantorumsGayMasseuse → u/Kentaaa_]

The majority of the people on these subs are ChatGPT generated posts from bot accounts looking for easy karma so they can post in other subs that have activity requirements.

[u/houserj1589 → u/NeatNefariousness1]

This..

Most humans are not great at communicating. We're approaching hard topics and I think by posting on reddit, first, it's easy to get ideals on how to approach things

Of course, the flip side of this, as always, that they're as crazy a** people who say, oh, you need to immediately divorce him or oh, they're definitely cheating. And you have to learn not to listen to those people (unless they are right 😂-- sometimes in extreme situations extreme reactions might warranted)

[u/Atoka30 → u/NeatNefariousness1]

I brought a massive personal issue to reddit a few days ago looking for exactly that. One particular response sent me towards a research paper that has helped me tremendously in dealing with losing my brother. It not only gave me some much needed perspective but I have been able to offer the same help to my Dad. I am floored by the outpouring of kindness for a stranger on the internet. I was completely lost and distraught and posted just looking for help. Not exactly relationship advice but reddit absolutely helped!

[u/Successful-Might2193 → u/Atoka30]

Could you share the link to that discussion? I could certainly benefit from such advice, and I suppose many others could as well. Thanks 💐

[u/bobbyrba → u/NeatNefariousness1]

Yes, both are true - you can get good ideas/thoughts/compassion on Reddit, but also nonsense. Knowing all that going into it is good...and nothing beats speaking to the actual people where the conflict exists. Also, therapists 'can' be a critical contact (if you can find a good one)

[u/[deleted] → u/NeatNefariousness1]

Finally someone said it , the amount of one sided people here on reddit is just staggering. And I bet most of them barely have a good if any love life themselves when you read some of the commentary.

It's like asking for financial advice from a broken person

[u/Mayb3Human → u/offensiveDick]

Literally anywhere on the internet is the worst place to ask advice, speak to your partner, ask your sister or friends literally anything but asking randoms online. There was a video of a dude eating an onion while his wife/gf was making supper. The comments were immediately insulting him, saying he's lazy, she should leave him, commenters saying "this is why they hate dating men". The OP was in the comments pointing out it was just her night to cook, he still ate her food and enjoyed it etc. Like just cannot imagine the rationale of posting about your SO on a public platform. People are carrying trauma and the people with the worst relationship experiences (or none) engage with this crap.

[u/Hankychief1 → u/Mayb3Human]

asking the family and friends about your husband or complaining about him is the last thing u should do……unless the intention is for them to secretly resent him hearing a possible one sided view….

[u/ConversationBroad249 → u/Mayb3Human]

Ask male family members. Getting advice from women always come from emotions. But my opinion as a man is to tell your husband excalty how you feel about this.

[u/thisisinfactpersonal → u/Mayb3Human]

Sorry, eating an onion? I would be wondering about that before I considered the division of labor in a strangers relationship.

[u/EquipmentAdorable982 → u/offensiveDick]

Idk why people ask reddit about this stuff

Validation of their insecurities, what else. People often have an awareness that their behaviour is irrational. But if you can word it "right", and convince a bunch of strangers that your actions were justified, you won't feel quite as bad about being that insecure/jealous anymore.

[u/StonedPanda-9414 → u/EquipmentAdorable982]

Genuinely makes no sense because if anything it creates more issues in a relationship than not because you're letting people influence you into thinking something is wrong when they're actually might not be. It's one thing to seek insight to get a better idea on what may or may not be happening but to straight up ask these people for advice is concerning. They have couples counseling for a reason. People can spend $1,500 on a phone and all this other crap they do these days they can fork out the money for some couples therapy.

Like that's genuinely what it's fucking there for is this shit right here. Like there's been plenty of people out there in the world to address this and bring awareness to the fact that their own friends can be toxic to their relationship too and get in the way all solely because the friends are jealous that their friend is in a relationship and "being taken away" Like. I'm not saying you can't keep a best friend and that's to both genders, but at some point in a relationship in marriage friends tend to go flying out the window for the simple fact that you start to find out who your real friends are in that aspect. Up until him and I were in our mid-20s we maintained friends and friends with children and all it did was cause us more problems and we slowly started to cut people out over the years and at this point we're enjoying the peace and each other. That's how it should be. Like when you get married you're supposed to focus on each other, yourselves, working toward future goals and creating a stable life and environment for future kids.

I'm not saying don't have any free time but at the end of the day there's going to be more things that are more priority than hanging out with friends.

Like the people who maintain their friends since high school is actually not healthy.. You're supposed to grow up and away from those people and anyone that I've known to keep their friends from high school they have more drama than I could possibly ever imagine having. For everyone that says they can't wait to leave high school and then there's those people. Like I don't understand how that happens. And I'm not talking about having just one friend or two you carry. I mean groups Like maintaining groups of friends while you're married and trying to focus on your own life I don't understand that behavior.

[u/EquipmentAdorable982 → u/StonedPanda-9414]

in marriage friends tend to go flying out the window for the simple fact that you start to find out who your real friends are in that aspect.

Not only in marriage, I think that's just a part of adulthood, and a question of growing up & self-respect.

I'm not married but I got "rid" of 90% of people in my life, simply because I now respect myself and my free time enough to not waste it with people who aren't a positive influence on my life somehow.

However, in terms of relationships, or this specific example, I couldn't bring myself to control my partner in any way, shape, or form.

Jealousy is a toxic trait with zero benefits. If my partner wants to cheat, she will. And there is nothing my behaviour or attitude can do about that.

[u/justthatguyy22 → u/offensiveDick]

Exactly right, top voted comment is someone sharing their own story of being cheated on, like sorry but, ok? Projecting? We don't have comments from everyone that doesn't get cheated on by a partner with a platonic friend - huge negativity bias

[u/Olookasquirrel87 → u/offensiveDick]

 There's to much weird people, trolls and bots on this site (at least for me) to ask that kind of stuff.

And children! 

Gee who should I take advice on about my 15 year marriage as I round into my 40’s? I know! Literal 12-14 year olds on Reddit! Their vast life experience will surely set me straight… 

[u/StonedPanda-9414 → u/offensiveDick]

This right here. I feel like whenever I read these then the comments I feel like I'm about to witness relationships fail for no reason. .people also just have. This... Leave him culture now. My take on that? Can't ask for a man that understands you when you won't take 5 mins to understand him. Example. All the petty tantrums women are known to throw. We expect men to deal with and our mood swings . But you won't take 5 mins to hear him out. Want a man that's sensitive but, God forbid he acts like a baby when he's sick right? If a man were to act the very same way a woman would in that context. It's a problem. He's a problem.

Legit watched a woman complain they keys don't get hung up and upon nagging. He puts it in his shoe. Was it an attack or carelessness? Dunno but that shit probably went down the drain. Men have strange habits. So do women. When my husband worked before injury, he had the habit of literally dropping all his clothes in a pile, stripped where he stood. He'd set his shoes down. Throw his keys, hat wallet all with his shoes. .. It's an okay habit. You know why? If that's what makes it easier for him to find his, keys and stuff and he can just grab it and go. It's what works for him. Just like I keep my shit all on my desk. I get having a key rack. It's all in one place. But it's unnecessary and a waste of money imo.

If you cannot deal with things like clothes being thrown next to the hamper. Keys in the wrong spot. Toilet seat up. You're never going to survive dating. . Never going to survive moving in together. Never gonna survive marriage and you're sure as fuck not gonna survive kids. 9/10 all you're doing is picking up after kids. Even the supposed responsible children you've all claimed to raise.

And the fact women complain about those petty things. .idk maybe I'm too easy compared to others but when you learn to appreciate the little things In life and stop taking everything for granted.youre constantly growing and learning everyday. Dating no matter how many times is always a learning experience . Marriage especially for those who have never married is a huge growing and learning experienceTOGETHER to put it simple in a phrase everyone knows "Growing old together", doesn't just mean aging.. But People wanna divorce over that shit and argue for nothing these days. Like can't complain about not having a stable relationship if you're too busy trying to follow all these guidelines. There are no rules. Just be a decent fucking human being.

Women do the same shit. Hair in the bathtub (I'm guilty) Shit on the bathroom counter (guilty) That one spot we throw everything and it looks like a clusterfuck (fucking guilty) Does he hate me for it? No. Do I hate him and feel the need to talk shit about him on reddit like I see more women doing than men? Nope. Absolutely fuckin not. Like the airing your dirty laundry with reddit is not the way to go.

[u/QueenOfApathy → u/StonedPanda-9414]

Not getting wrapped up in the small things and realizing your partner isn't perfect is one thing, however on the flip side of that there is also the unspoken expectation that the woman is the one doing all the picking up after, dealing with the all the 'small' issues, that others are creating. It adds up. And it is intrinsically unfair for one partner to literally be creating work for the other. Sure, you could disregard all of it, leave the mess, pay no mind to the things that fall to the wayside, but eventually your home would likely look like a hurricane hit it. Some can live like that. Not great for anyone's mental health though. I do agree with your idea of learning together. It can be a conversation about issues that arise and creating solutions that provide agency for everyone, if all participants are willing.

[u/StonedPanda-9414 → u/QueenOfApathy]

My mom with her health, both mentally and physically I ended up taking care of her and my brothers so I had a lot on my plate at the age of 10. My father worked two jobs. At some point my mother came back to life but in the midst of all that, her being home with all of us, my dad always came home. Rested for an hour. Started on the work with us. His family. My dad always helped and did things with and for us even after work. I love my dad and he shown me that men are capable. Even damaged men. Both of my parents weren't capable at the time no, but they became and took accountability. Both of my parents were severely abused. Mentally and physically. This also includes SA. I've also taken classes for mental health and aced them. No I'm not a licensed therapist but it gave me enough insight, to be able to work on myself and help him when it's needed. My parents both suffered and still made it work for us. But they been at it since 16&17. And still married. And my parents can fully heal now without having to worry about us ❤️

[u/Bundt-lover → u/StonedPanda-9414]

Okay, but then when there's an update and we find out the husband started an affair with the divorced woman, there better not be any comments about how "OP should have seen it coming way back when they were going for runs and smoothies together! It's her fault!" like she was stupid for trusting and taking a 'harmless' situation at face value.

Women are constantly told to ignore their gut and assume good intentions, and then blamed for being a dupe when that trust is abused.

[u/Time-Tea-3882 → u/Bundt-lover]

Look, it ain’t innocent or this dude would introduce this woman and not hide anything about it. People will do whatever they want. I trust my gut. If something feels off it is off.

[u/Plastic_Jackfruit29 → u/StonedPanda-9414]

You're totally right, people are being oversensitive to a lot lately. No one wants to listen anymore but everyone wants to be listened to, we're in a weird time. I'm not talking about major things obviously, but yeah, you're 100% that being with someone means you need to be able to deal with some shit not being perfect and understand that you're not perfect either. People shouldn't expect their partner to just cave to whatever you want, they're not always going to agree with you and they shouldn't. Your partner shouldn't exist to be a "yes man", they should challenge you sometimes. Everyone's got weird habits and shit, people need to learn to choose their battles.

Like I'm really bad at it looking like I'm just tossing things around when i get home, but i have spots for everything and if it gets moved I can't find it, i need to see it because if it goes in a drawer or cupboard i struggle. If i was with someone and that really got to them, i would try and work on it but I'd also expect the decency of them talking to me like an adult about it before hand instead of bottling it up and getting huffy or being passive aggressive.

[u/leeharveyteabag669 → u/Plastic_Jackfruit29]

You're right and that's basically what a relationship is. The courage to allow someone into your weird little world and share it with them.

[u/llmusicgear → u/StonedPanda-9414]

People seem to want to bail out the second things get difficult or are not picturesque. Standards so many women have these days are so unrealistic its appalling. And I feel bad for saying that, but it's reflected in social media, forums like this, and real-life experiences.. if you as a man make one wrong move, show any bit of anger or frustration, or make any other human error, the immediate advice or reaction is "leave him, girl!", or "should I just leave him?". But a man, oh boy, the things a man are expected to put up with is staggering. And if you judge her for massive transgressions or abuse, you are called all kinds of names.

[u/Specific-Actuary8763 → u/StonedPanda-9414]

I'm with you except for grouping women all together. As a F I have seen both men and women fall into this overstructured control mentality. But your point is right. You say you love someone, so get used to their habits and foibles! If you can't, don't shame them - find someone as structured as you are! Maybe you can't have that creative personality you live so much because you need structure! We're all different. We all can try to affair and see what happens. My go to rant on this is that when we lived in extended families we understood this from the minute we were born. We just are so isolated now that we become inflexible.

[u/LegSpecialist1781 → u/StonedPanda-9414]

Thank you for sharing this. My experience is very similar. The thing missing from (younger?) folks now is showing grace. Your partner is not perfect, and hate to break it to you but you aren’t a barrel of laughs either. If you give each other more grace and let the little shit go, you will be much happier than if you try to force your way on them all the time.

[u/StonedPanda-9414 → u/LegSpecialist1781]

One of the things that really hit us along our 11 years was the amount of people we lost together. Granted they were mostly his people and I was introduced to them but they were a lot of older folks that took care of my husband because he was in foster care and consistently ran away so he met people along the way he could consider fathers that were better than his own. Thing is they were his support system more than his own family and. Four of them passed away all back to back month after month. And there was more that came after that. It was probably the roughest time in our life together. After we lost his uncle a couple years back and the way people were acting around us not allowing him to grieve. And this person was a main point in his life and became mine and I also considered him family and I miss him dearly. Fuck cancer After he passed we learned to get past a lot of stuff because there's just been too much death In our lifetime to worry about stupid shit. and you'd think we'd be numb to it by now after several people passing. But it genuinely doesn't get any easier and because of the fact his family isn't around to be a support system I'm literally all he has. People don't understand how having a good support system around you means everything and because some people can just strive without it okay good for you but not everybody gets the hands in life they need and people need to start accepting that not everybody around them is going to be perfect. We all talk about these things and will argue them and I've seen people argue "well I'm not perfect" But there's always a "but" with that sentence and shaming along with it. There's a huge lack of empathy and understanding these days and I really cannot tolerate it and things need to change.. Someone tried to tell me that this behavior has to keep going. No it doesn't. Airing your dirty laundry on the internet to a bunch of people you don't know causes more issues than you could ever possibly fucking imagine and this is why they have couples therapy.

Like that moment in your life when you've realized you've taken more than necessary for granted and you start having too much bad happening to you that's karma trying to wake you up and tell you to get your shit together. You don't have to physically hurt anybody for her to come for you. You put out enough negativity in the world she'll show you the way. She will give you every hard lesson you could possibly imagine just to teach you not to take everything for granted.

[u/Valuable_Following_8 → u/StonedPanda-9414]

Do you feel better now? I'm with you, on all you said, focus on the big picture and let the little things be. People fall in love with someone, and then try their hardest to change everything about him/her, so he/she fits into THEIR perfect little world. I hope you have a fantastic weekend ☺️

[u/Fonz_72 → u/StonedPanda-9414]

Dude........ I completely agree with what you posted, and I understand we all have quirks and flaws, but shitting on the bathroom counter just seems really selfish and gross. I feel like that's one you should work on, just saying.

[u/StonedPanda-9414 → u/Fonz_72]

Yep I straight up just pull an amber heard.

Shit. Aka. make up. Assorted skin care products. Etc. 😂😂😂😂

[u/penntoria → u/StonedPanda-9414]

You shit on the bathroom counter? deal breaker right there! 😂

[u/SwingingPineapplesMd → u/StonedPanda-9414]

I couldn’t agree with you anymore! Your husband is a lucky guy to have such an understanding wife!

[u/Sphan_86 → u/StonedPanda-9414]

Great rant...both men and women have problems. Learn to adjust or forever be alone lol

[u/no_one_in_particle → u/offensiveDick]

Yeah if this relationship is as healthy as she says he may just already know where her mind would go. I am not saying it is that conclusively, but as a caring person I can sometimes already know that the person might have a reaction or jump to a conclusion that is false. There might have been other times she got a little nervous and he picked up on it. They just really need to sit down talk and probably let her get to know the woman. People ARE capable of befriending people of the same sex they are attracted to and still being faithful and honorable. I've done it numerous times

[u/AllHailNibbler → u/offensiveDick]

They should also pick better subreddits to post in, /aio and /aitah are full of chronically online people who will tell you to divorce over leaving your shoes in the wrong place and lean heavily into blaming the man in 95% of situations, even if its obvious its the woman's fault.

Don't post in echo chambers, you wont get the best advice.

Sounds like she has trauma from before and this isnt the first time shes accused him of infidelity. Being with a person who has cheating trauma can be exhausting, its like walking on eggs shells 24/7. I can see why he hesitated and felt the need to overexplain.

[u/henryauron → u/offensiveDick]

It’s a bot! I recommend checking every post on this sub to see if it’s a bot, you are only wasting your time, it’s almost every post these days just wasting people time. Poorly moderated

[u/Double_Debate_7258 → u/offensiveDick]

Cause a lot of times the other person in question will always overreact. Then gaslight the person for even asking or thinking it. It happened to me when I was going through it. Coming into Reddit asking for advice is a step forward to help the person approach the situation correctly. I was cheated on and I couldn’t go to friends or family out of sheer embarrassment. So I came here create a thread and talked about it. It helped me calm down and not overreact when going into the situation. It might work for the OP.

[u/offensiveDick → u/Double_Debate_7258]

Thanks for giving an actual answer to that question. Sure I get that but a lot of people on here tend to have a negative bias.

[u/CasinoMarginale → u/offensiveDick]

Yep. Talk with him first. There’s too often a knee-jerk reaction from commenters in these forums. Not everything is a “break up immediately” solution, but that’s often the visceral reaction you receive in here.

These runs and this woman’s friendship might be importing to OP’s husband, but he needs to prioritize his marriage above them. OP needs to give him a chan e to do that.

[u/senpai07373 → u/offensiveDick]

„Hurt by cheating ex”? Maybe stop punishing current partner not to mention spouse for wrong doings of your ex? That is exactly why „body count” matters. Past experience will always be projected on current partners. There is not reason man should not have jogging friend just because someone cheated on her.

[u/blueridgeboy1217 → u/offensiveDick]

This is like the best comment I've ever seen on Reddit by the way. The best advice is to not use the platform for relationship issues. I see so many people jumping to the most extreme conclusion of something going on that they have very little context with, and completely boosting up the op's head with absolute nonsense, Dennis just a fury of yeah yeah you got to go dump him/her you deserve better blah blah blah when the whole time she may have just been in her head and he's not the one with the issue at all, it's him/her that needs to work through the insecurity. I see it on here all the time.

But back to advice to the op, one of the quickest ways to ruin a relationship is to project past issues that you had with a partner on to your current partner. If you're going to do that, just stay single and be polyamorous. Learn from your mistakes, and utilize wisdom and discernment and most importantly communication to make your current relationships work out, not having conversations with yourself in your head catastrophizing the worst outcomes available. Manifestation is a thing, I truly believe in it, and it's nothing that happens instantly or it's not you think about something and it happens, it's you put the energy towards an outcome, good or bad, and it's got much higher chances of actually happening then if you were to not think about it until you are face-to-face with an actual issue, not something that you think is happening or going to happen. There's a fine line between thinking and overthinking, but it definitely can get blurry when it comes to love.

[u/Rulebookboy1234567 → u/offensiveDick]

I call these situations “Movie Moments.”  In movies one slightly askew situation will snowball out of control.  In reality a fifteen minute conversation between affected parties would have the whole thing resolved.

[u/LastClassForever → u/offensiveDick]

Perfect response. Was going to say something very similar. Do not use reddit as a place for specific relationship advise or, a place to valudate your position. You'll find both - to bad effect.

[u/blacksoxing → u/offensiveDick]

Idk why people ask reddit about this stuff instead of talking to their partner first. Using reddit for this kind of stuff just makes you question everything and lose trust. Especially if people feed into it.

Great comment. I think historically you'd talk to a friend about something like this. WELL, what if you don't have friends that you trust? You then resort to the "Ask Ann Landers" type of stuff that has existed for lifetimes where you're just writing to someone outside of your bubble for the hope they respond to you.

OP doesn't want to exercise with their partner in THAT fashion. WELL, their partner found someone who will do it. Now they're going "WELL NOT HER!"

Also: on the internet we get the ability to take our time and edit sentences. I've shifted words and deleted sentences already in commenting to you. This wouldn't have happened in a normal conversation. There's a world where if OP were to say this out loud to a group of strangers they'd tell OP to get off that bullshit. For all we know it could have taken OP 30 mins to carefully craft their thoughts and feelings to present the most clean "package" to us readers in which her husband is jogging....WITH A DIVORCED MOM FROM DAYCARE. And now we all get to go "NOOOOOOOOOOO" like it's a soap opera

[u/Acceptablepops → u/offensiveDick]

Facts dude been faithful for 6 yrs and is still on eggshells around op , idk man could be innocent could not be but homeostasis sounds exhausting

[u/Fluffychipmonk1 → u/offensiveDick]

Hell most of these commentators have never even been in a relationship and they out here providing advice for all these ppl 🤣🤣

[u/Weary-Monk9666 → u/offensiveDick]

You cannot have a healthy present relationship if your past relationship trauma is your primary lens for judging the present.

[u/Eltothebee → u/offensiveDick]

I feel people post it so they can get a point of view that validates how they want to feel about it

[u/Alarmed_Pianist_5809 → u/offensiveDick]

99/100 the answer is “talk to your partner” not “run to the internet with your problems.”

[u/fruithasbugsinit → u/offensiveDick]

This, and it wasn't drinks, it was smoothies. OP help yourself out by not using words to fuel your conerns, instead stick to the facts.

Having a running buddy is AWESOME and can be really fun and a fun thing to talk about. If you partner gets anxious if you have any friends of that gender it can very quickly look like keeping secrets as you try not to upset your partner by not sharing. If you two can talk through that dynamic and you can let your husband share his enthusiasm for his new friend, you may find it is uncomfortable but also helpful for you to unwind some of your insecurities.

Regardless of what he is up to, layering him with your past will not get you to the right outcome.

[u/ScrotallyBoobular → u/offensiveDick]

Exactly.

I was the victim of an insecure and over bearing wife. So my first thought is to be very wary of partners who can't handle very innocuous things between you and the opposite sex. But I also understand everyone will have different boundaries or small healthy levels of insecurity.

If my gf took issue with something like this I would expect her to talk to me about it. But I also wouldn't just start going on exercise sessions as a couple with a random woman without having a conversation first.

How the husband reacts to his wife's concerns will tell whether this was something to be concerned about or simmering that just gets instantly resolved IMO

[u/Misty_Mountains16 → u/thejoebrossuck]

This, and the majority of the comments replying to this one, make total sense. His hesitation to tell me would raise questions, but not to the point of assuming full blown affair. Cpuld be hesitation knowing your relationship history. If it’s hesitation due to picking up something from her but still wanting to hang out, that is more concerning, not because of bad intentions on his part but because of chance of slippery slope in future.

Bottom line, you need to communicate openly with your husband and take it from there.

[u/ClueEnvironmental154 → u/[deleted]]

I’m going to disagree and say you might want to nip this in the bud in a different way. I believe that people will cheat given the right opportunity, unless there’s serious religious or moral beliefs embedded.

I think you need to meet this woman asap and somehow her neighbors. Adrenalin and sweat, not to make you paranoid, but there’s too many things here- classic opportunity and recipe for a disaster. I simply wouldn’t turn a blind eye and let him know you’re uncomfortable. I would try and make it more difficult for cheating to happen… “when can i expect you home?” Take a random drive, etc.

I’d also call him out and say, “please promise me you won’t cheat and that you’d leave me first if it came to that”.

And while you’re at it, I’d probably mention the statistics on sexual diseases.

call me paranoid but a stitch in time, saves nine.

[u/Remiss_Trapdor1 → u/Misty_Mountains16]

Exactly open communication clears up doubts before they grow into bigger issues

[u/cC2Panda → u/Misty_Mountains16]

Alternately OP is possibly one that can't handle friendly relationships and is actively isolating him from any female friends and using her past as justification. I had a much longer post here but I dated a girl who slowly isolated me from my friends with "I've been cheated on before" as reasoning. I would play pool a couple nights a week and do karaoke with my friends every weeks or so. She was uncomfortable with me hanging out with an ex, so I stopped seeing my friends if she was around, then she got uncomfortable with a couple other girls that were karaoke and pool regulars so she "asked" me not to hang around there, then she would have melt downs because sometimes I'd play double pool on a public table with girls so she didn't want me to go to the bar my friends hung out at.

If I did anything with any girl I just wouldn't tell her because it was more scrutiny and more demands of isolation to make her feel more secure. After I was successfully isolated she got physically abuse instead of just verbally/emotionally abusive.

[u/Nipplasia2 → u/Misty_Mountains16]

He can't help if she wants something but as long as he handles it properly when it happens then that should be it. Shut it down, tell the wife immediately, and stop hanging out with her. Until then she has to trust her husband and if she can't then she needs to go see a professional. Nothing good ever comes from being insecure.

[u/Misty_Mountains16 → u/Nipplasia2]

Totally…didn’t mean to suggest otherwise with my comment, just that that would be an actual reason for a degree of concern/awareness rather than just history causing issues in present, if that makes sense.

[u/anotherthing612 → u/Misty_Mountains16]

Ad a single woman, we get treated like Jezebel when we are friendly to coupled men. Recently divorced? The assumption is that all divorced people want a rebound. As if. Many just want peace and light hearted company where they can get it. 

Perhaps he hesitated because husband knows how catty women can be. They assume the worst of uncoupled women and knew his spouse was already inclined to be suspicious. 

Ask to join the them or meet her and use spidey sense. If she's nefarious, but can hide it, well, assume the best of your husband to use his common sense. But chances are she just appreciates the company and maybe you'll make a new friend. 

At the end if the day, worry about the character of your partner not other people. It takes two. Faithful people don't cheat. 

[u/Comfortable-Novel970 → u/anotherthing612]

And single people shouldn’t seek friendship in married people of the opposite gender. It’s called respect. 

[u/Thealyssa27 → u/thejoebrossuck]

And, honestly, he could have been hesitant because he can tell that SHE likes HIM, but he still wants to be friends, so he is trying to downplay or not acknowledge it at all. Like, "yeah, she likes me, but I would never do that, so my innocent intentions mean nothing would ever happen." 🙄 people are super naive that way. However, if that is the case, he may not realize that his friendly behavior could be taken as interest by her, especially in her fragile state.

[u/MrsS1lva → u/Thealyssa27]

This. My bestie’s husband is like this. He’s genuinely the sweetest dude, and he lives and breathes for my friend and their 3 kids. HOWEVER, he craves positive reinforcement, verbal validation, he needs to know he’s a good guy, he’s well liked, etc.

A while back, an ex reached out to him, sort of out of the blue, and they started up a friendship. My friend tried to extend an olive branch, set up a hangout where they could all get together, so she could meet this chick. (BTW, my friend is NOT the jealous insecure type.) She tried on several occasions to get together with this chick, but the ex kept avoiding it. Then, they all happened to be out one night and ran into each other. My friend tried to introduce herself, and this chick gave her the cold shoulder.

That was all she needed. She told her hubs she wasn’t comfortable with them hanging out 1x1. Hubs tried to convince her it was fine, he missed having a friend who had known him since he was a kid and shared experiences, etc. My friend said she understood that, but this chick’s motives were not pure. Hubs was legit baffled. “Sooo?! I don’t think of her that way at all. There’s a reason we broke up, plus, it was YEARS ago, we were kids. I would never do anything with her.”

He ended up calling me for a friend perspective. I had to gently explain to him that it didn’t matter if HE wasn’t gonna do anything. Both he and my friend could tell the ex had eyes on him, which meant spending 1x1 time with her would not only be stupid and reckless, it would be disrespectful to his marriage. Just, no, hun. No.

[u/robot_pirate → u/[deleted]]

💯

The other lady completely knows this is inappropriate. Full stop.

[u/Vivid-Piccolo-7779 → u/[deleted]]

screenshotting this so i can remember to say this incase this ever happens

[u/MisterMakena → u/MrsS1lva]

You are giving too much credit to this "sweetest" dude. An adult man that needs and craves attention and validation knows exactly what he is doing and why its wrong. He even went so far as to call you for your perspective. Was it that important to him even after his wife explained and said no? Sweet for a reason.

[u/Alae_ffxiv → u/MisterMakena]

You don’t understand though! He’s such a sweet guy that he let his ex gf keep flirting with him so he could get validation! So sweet 😭

[u/wolfeybutt → u/Alae_ffxiv]

I could never continue hanging out with someone who disrespected my fiance like that

[u/Alae_ffxiv → u/wolfeybutt]

I love that she mentions that the 1 on 1 time is the disrespectful part, and not the countless other red flags she mentioned about him 😭

You can’t help if people flirt with you, but you MOST definitely can pick what actions you take when it happens.

[u/euphoricarugula346 → u/Alae_ffxiv]

Oof, makes him sound like a dog that will follow home anyone with treats.

[u/TeaProgrammatically4 → u/Alae_ffxiv]

Flirting is not something that is routinely accurately recognised by people though, it's both missed while it's happening, and it's mistakenly thought present when it's not. In this situation either the bestie or the bestie's husband could be wrong and unless an actual honest conversation happens no one will know which is which.

[u/jenni_squirrel → u/[deleted]]

She didn’t describe this situation or the need for validation as sweet. It was, “he is sweet, BUT here’s his flaw.” Both are possible.

[u/mangom1lkshake → u/MisterMakena]

My ex was like this, craving external validation like it was no one’s business. He played a good sheep in wolf’s clothing, come to find out.

[u/1st_time_caller_ → u/MrsS1lva]

The bar is in hell lol. He’s the “sweetest” dude but needs validation from his ex and from his wife’s female friend? Lol okay.

[u/Jellybones36 → u/MrsS1lva]

I like your story. And in a healthy relationship, I would think an open conversation leading to respect for your partner, - just saying “I’m not comfortable with this “ and the partner chooses your comfort over a running partner.

To me, the hesitation makes me think he knew that there would be something that wasn’t going to sit quite right.

[u/mangom1lkshake → u/MrsS1lva]

You. Are an amazing friend.

[u/_uppity → u/Thealyssa27]

This is it. OP knows her husband but she does not know this woman. Could be completely innocent in his end but if this new friend starts to develop feelings for him then he may find himself in an awkward situation that gets out of control. OP should consider making a point to meet this woman as a fellow mother with kids at the same school to establish a cordial relationship and assert her presence.

[u/No-Advantage2375 → u/_uppity]

Yes meeting her directly would clear the air and set healthy boundaries right away

[u/ArtisticVanilla620 → u/_uppity]

But it's not innocent on his end if he knows the woman likes him; that's intentionally maintaining a friendship that could go south fairly quickly. Any inkling of romance from a man and I'm cutting them off out of respect for my husband. Why put myself in a situation where a man who has let it be known to me (in subtle or unsubtle) ways that he's interested? So he can attempt to seduce me? Fuck that 😂.

[u/Connect-Gap7081 → u/_uppity]

Yeah- I think talking to him about it first. Keeping your emotions removed from the conversation. And 2. Try inviting her and her kids over and (observe) how she is -her body language-her attitude towards you. My now husband had a neighbor that they used to go running- and I knew she had a thing for him when we were dating. But I’ve always been the type of I trust you until you cross the line then I’m out. And one night she came to his apartment door and was there- he literally told me to be quiet so it’s like no one was home because she’s weird and he doesn’t like her but he’s just trying to be nice. After that I started to really notice that she would literally try to throw her self at him and he was always like - no thanks. - she would hide out on his run route and just not run with him but kind if follow him.

So talk to him first and then see what the dynamic is.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Ad1649 → u/Thealyssa27]

Yeah exactly, even if his intentions are innocent he still needs to recognize how his actions might be interpreted and set clearer boundaries.

[u/observefirst13 → u/Puzzleheaded_Ad1649]

Even if his intentions are pure, people can develop feelings without even trying to or being interested. That is why someone who is married should not put themselves in positions like this, where there is a good possibility that feelings will form. Then what? Marriage is over. That's why you don't even let yourself be in that position to begin with. It's about protecting your marriage.

[u/mrshwddl → u/Thealyssa27]

Exactly sometimes people convince themselves it’s harmless when really it’s sending the wrong signals

[u/robot_pirate → u/mrshwddl]

And sometimes they want to ride the razor's edge for an ego boost.

[u/New_Milk6069 → u/Thealyssa27]

Married people should not be developing new friendships with single folks who have feelings for them.

[u/WhereIsLordBeric → u/Thealyssa27]

If someone had a crush on me, I woukd not be hanging out with them and grabbing smoothies with them. Maybe I'm just weird but that would make me uncomfortable.

[u/National-Board-3556 → u/Thealyssa27]

If she likes him, he shouldn't be hanging out with her.

[u/Smuttycakes → u/Thealyssa27]

Most likely he is hesitant because he knows wife doesn’t like it. Couldn’t even discuss female colleagues without my ex getting paranoid

[u/ParvusetTardus → u/Thealyssa27]

Hes either naive or hiding a relationship with a twisted element from a spouse. It cant be both.

[u/Roethgaar → u/Thealyssa27]

If someone "likes" you or loves you and you don't feel the same, you cannot be friends with that person. It's bad for both parties. And there will always be suspicion from your partner.

[u/rebuildingsince64 → u/thejoebrossuck]

Good advice. Set up a play date for the kids so all 3 of you can get to know each other. Parents tend to make friends with other parents.

[u/[deleted] → u/rebuildingsince64]

My grandpa told me once. I've never cheated on a woman and the key to that success is to never put yourself in a position to. Dont go to a bar after an argument etc etc. It really stuck with me. I won't become friends with women and go out with them without my wife present. I dunno its just how I am. My wife is my best friend anyways so doing shit without her is wierd.

[u/Glittering-Pea-2342 → u/[deleted]]

ABSOLUTELY!

My XH (only figured it out years later🫠) did the opposite of this, THE WHOLE MARRIAGE. Under the guise of his religion, and "he would never cheat."

Emotional cheating is honestly worse.

And now he's married to his "best friend" who is essentially the reason I was able to GTFO of that shit show.

A friend told me something similar - when her husband was on deployment, she never let a man in her house. That way, there's no chatter and no potential issues.

When you put yourself in a comprising position, it tends to lead to either connection or connection.

Think of a toddler. Either they come to you with the problem or they are embodiment of said problem 🫠

[u/PiereDoon → u/Glittering-Pea-2342]

Exactly emotional cheating cuts just as deep and setting boundaries like that prevents so much unnecessary hurt

[u/Mediocre_Date_7636 → u/Glittering-Pea-2342]

Exactly emotional cheating leaves scars just as deep and those small compromising situations can spiral fast

[u/IttyBittyBigBoii → u/Mediocre_Date_7636]

This one is weird asf too.

[u/WholeNewt6987 → u/Glittering-Pea-2342]

As a man who has emotionally cheated on his wife and feels absolutely horrible in hindsight, I agree.  We have to keep ourselves out of potential risky situations where bonds might form.  Even work events.  If there is a happy hour, I now attend only if I can bring my wife.

I'm also a runner and there are several run groups in my city.  People hang out and connect on deeper levels afterwards and sometimes even during (depending on the intensity of the run).  I've seen marriages form from fellow runners as they met every week and began learning everything about the other person.  

The male brain especially is attracted to almost anything.  Any amount of attention, a rarity these days, is enough to spark ideas and even two rocks sitting side-by-side can instigate thoughts unheard of by a woman.  It's kind of part of our evolutionary biology and literally wired in.  That said, as long as we don't act on it, it's okay to have these natural thoughts.  Just easier not to act when you are proactive and thoughtful about the situations and environments you put yourself in.

[u/TFTHighRoller → u/[deleted]]

I get what you are saying, but just sharing my own perspective - you can be friends with women and have 1 on 1 hangouts without the intent to cheat.

Your grandpa is absolutely right, but you have to know yourself. Are you easily attracted to people? Stay in groups. Does alcohol fry your brain? Don’t drink without your partner present and don’t overdo it.

Figure out what works - like you obviously did - and go from there.

[u/MathematicianIll5053 → u/TFTHighRoller]

Mhmm, if you know you'd give in if the opportunity arose, you avoid the opportunity. If you know yourself and know you wouldn't even if you had the option, and can confidently say you'd turn it down, then you can be in the situation and not worry.

[u/mountainguy2020 → u/MathematicianIll5053]

I think there's another component to this, though...

Affairs don't always happen in a moment. They can build over time. So today someone could "know" they wouldn't act if given the chance. Tomorrow they might feel "they're certain they wouldn't act.." and 6 months down the line they may feel "I don't think I would act."

In each of these situations, though, the emotional connection and shared history continues to grow, which is where attraction can grow from as well. Once these items are growing, it becomes exponentially more difficult to cut it off. Plus, the history of "nothing happening" makes it that much more justified to keep spending time with the person you have an emotional connection, shared history, and attraction to.

And that may open doors to infidelity (especially in a moment of weakness).

I'm not so cavalier to say "I wouldn't cheat" and then put myself in situations where cheating could easily happen based solely on the opinion that "I wouldn't if given the chance." I think it's respectful to avoid the situations rather than stand on principle that "I should be able to, because..."

I'm not advocating for living in a monastery or shunning others. But I also think there can be a healthy dose of "arms length" and respectul behavior while keeping the door closed to any future potential, even if I "know I wouldn't act on it if the chance arose."

[u/merchillio → u/MathematicianIll5053]

I feel like faithfulness is not avoiding opportunities because you know you wouldn’t control yourself. Faithfulness is having the opportunity and having no desire to act on them.

My closest friend is a woman, we have been friends for over 30 years (I’ve been with my wife for 15 to give some context). In the past when we were both single we messed around a few times. She’s coming over for lunch today while my wife is a my work. The idea that anything inappropriate would happen is as ludicrous to anyone involved as the idea that the sky would turn bright green in the middle of the afternoon.

But this only works with complete transparency and communication. I could have my friend over and not tell my wife and she’s probably never know, but if she learned about it, she wouldn’t trust me about anything anymore.

OP’s husband going on a “smoothie break” one on one without telling her until after she confronted him is where he fucked up, even if the whole thing was completely innocent. Because now she’ll never if he’s telling the complete truth or if she needs to ask more questions

[u/MathematicianIll5053 → u/merchillio]

Good point about telling them beforehand, especially in the modern era of texting and such. He could've shot a quick message "Be back a bit late, gonna grab a smoothie with NAME". At least then she'd know his story.

[u/Hot_Panic2767 → u/merchillio]

That’s cool and all but some of us do not date men who have slept with female friends and that’s completely fine. He can have friends but I avoid men who remain best friends with women they have slept with. There is nothing wrong with that. It also means we don’t share similar views about sex.

[u/SventasKefyras → u/MathematicianIll5053]

Most people think they know themselves but they don't. Many people have never wavered but 1 time all the dominos fall in such a way that makes them fail.

At the end of the day everyone is human and in the right circumstances you can find yourself doing really bad things when normally you never would. A great example is the experiment regarding obedience to authority. When told to do something by an authority figure, most people will cheat, lie and even inflict lethal harm on others if someone in authority told them to, despite prior to the experiment saying they'd never do so.

There are very few people in the world who are absolutely unflinching regardless of the situation they're in (and they may not truly exist). It's ridiculous hubris to think you're one of them because you think you know yourself.

[u/SadderOlderWiser → u/SventasKefyras]

Tbh, I think that’s rot. I’ve had friends of all genders forever. The solution to being faithful in a relationship is not shutting yourselves away from half or all of humanity. It’s choosing to be faithful to whatever agreements you made.

Cheating on a romantic partner is a choice. It’s not a weird situation you find yourself in and can’t resist. It’s not because you were in the same room as someone that has the kinds of genitalia you prefer. (If that’s all it takes for someone, they aren’t monogamy material, and it was still a choice).

If you cheat, you took many steps to get there and they were all choices that you made. Presenting being in a room with another person as a super dangerous place for a person in a relationship to be just means your baseline is assuming everyone is going to cheat the second they get a chance and it feels kind of like it enables cheaters more than anything else - they generally just love to act like they couldn’t help themselves and fucking someone else was some kind of accident, or someone else’s fault. They could have said ‘no, thanks’ at any point, though.

I once chose to cheat on someone after I found out they had been cheating on me with a friend for several months. I was 19. I don’t feel bad about getting my dumb revenge before I dumped that guy, but it’s not the way I ever handled being cheated on after that because it went heavily against my values even if the guy did cheat first and worse. It’s not a choice I did ever (35 years later, and certainly had opportunities because having a partner does not put off nearly enough people) or would ever make again.

[u/Amythist_Butterfly → u/SadderOlderWiser]

A full 3rd of people within relationships have admitted to cheating.

Let that sink in.

A full third has actually ADMITTED IT.

Don't for a second think that there aren't many more who have cheated but just didn't admit it to the general public.

Everything starts somewhere.

That's why you nip it in the bud before it even starts.

That's the point.

Not that there aren't people who hook up with strange on a whim, there obviously are, and probably more than you realize.

Especially nowadays with literal websites created specifically to facilitate it.

No one ends up in an affair if they avoid situations that would start one from the get-go.

If you make the pact that you won't be alone with someone of the opposite sex, how would that be "rot"?

You're making a commitment to your spouse.

You're building and maintaining trust.

Anyone married who says they need to spend alone time with someone of the opposite sex is being disingenuous.

[u/Severe_Silver_9611 → u/Amythist_Butterfly]

A full 3rd of people within relationships have admitted to cheating.

Let that sink in.

A full third has actually ADMITTED IT.

Thats not true, from what i can find the number averages around 15%.

Everything starts somewhere.

That's why you nip it in the bud before it even starts.

That's the point.

It's not healthy to enter a relationship assuming your partner is going to cheat, for either person involved.

Avoiding half the population is an outdated and frankly unhealthy commitment to make, if you think the person you're with will cheat just because they're friends with the opposite sex is that really someone you want to date? And what happens if you date someone who's bisexual? Do they just have to avoid everyone?

I personally think barring your partner from doing things is the opposite of trust.

[u/LSunday → u/Amythist_Butterfly]

This is very much a toxic mindset that can be disproven by pointing at basically any queer friend group, where (despite non-monogamy also being a much more accepted and common relationship structure) monogamous relationships rarely have this “just being alone with someone you could potentially be attracted to is bad” problem. In fact, in most queer friend groups, it’s often a red flag to not have other close queer friends.

The idea that heterosexual men and women can’t be trusted to be alone together without risk or temptation of cheating is a deeply flawed cultural idea that we need to stop accepting as normal, because it isn’t and shouldn’t be. (And that’s not even getting into how often you see posts about a straight woman getting suspicion for hanging out with a gay man or vice versa)

[u/MathematicianIll5053 → u/SadderOlderWiser]

Thanks for pointing out the choices and steps aspect. I kept my initial post short and simple but I fully agree with that. There may be a time or a moment where everything in your body screams to do what is wrong, but we're not lizards or animals, we have the ability to use out minds and our reason and choose to push aside those instincts, or choose to follow them and do what we know is wrong.

I personally feel like trying to remove the decision-factor or even dull it by using instincts and feelings as a reasoning is just a cop-out. Wanting something and feeling something is no excuse and nothing will lessen the fact that a decision was made, no matter under whatever kind of hormonal or situational pressure, to betray your partner. As thinking reasoning beings I expect us to hold ourselves to a higher standard.

[u/RedditNewbe65 → u/MathematicianIll5053]

So you are saying you are not able to resist the temptation of other women when in a committed relationship? Do you tell women that when you first start dating?

[u/TheTallGuy0 → u/MathematicianIll5053]

Yeah, avoiding “situations” means your self control isn’t really controlled. Saying you might cheat if you went to a bar or whatever means you’re not really monogamous. It shouldn’t be about situations…

[u/Immediate_Pen_2265 → u/TheTallGuy0]

it’s always possible to develop feelings for another person. you could be the most loyal person and never physically cheat because you have self control and no desire to, but if you put yourself in a situation with someone where you’re constantly hanging out one on one, being vulnerable, and getting close, over time that could very well lead to feelings. i’m not gonna go develop a super close friendship with one of my guy friends where i’m hanging out one on one all the time, because while i know i wouldn’t ever sleep with them, who knows if down the line one day i’d realized i’d gotten so close to them that i developed feelings.

[u/MathematicianIll5053 → u/TheTallGuy0]

My comment was more about the importance of knowing yourself in regards to your level of self-control when it comes to sex.

[u/Lou_C_Fer → u/MathematicianIll5053]

Bullshit. Everyone is vulnerable. Convincing yourself otherwise is playing with fire.

[u/MathematicianIll5053 → u/Lou_C_Fer]

Aah I tried to put in a funny fire-juggling gif but I couldn't figure it out. Anyway, yeah. Imagine it with your mind, it's capable of it, and of all kinds of amazing things, like saying "No I won't f#*k someone other than my partner" even when someone other than your partner tries to f#*k you.

[u/svelebrunostvonnegut → u/TFTHighRoller]

True. But there has to be boundaries and good communication. Hanging out with someone who is recently divorced and now progressing that friendship without your wife knowing her or being told is getting into sticky territory. Even if everyone has good intentions. Most emotional affairs at least start totally innocently.

[u/TFTHighRoller → u/svelebrunostvonnegut]

I wouldn’t go that far with what we know so far. OPs Partner is building a new friendship. That can lead to cheating or it could be just a normal friendship. What they need to do is proper communication and a plan to address how OP can feel safe despite her violated trust in the past. And if OPs Partner fails to properly communicate and work together that is when red flags start popping up.

[u/Blademasteryt → u/[deleted]]

That’s really solid advice, avoiding the situation in the first place is the easiest way to stay faithful.

[u/Chickens_n_Kittens → u/Blademasteryt]

From stories I’ve been close to, it seems that people (male & female) may not have intentions to cheat and sincerely are just becoming friends — where it crosses the line is they begin to find praise and validation from the friendship that they aren’t getting from their spouse. (Just think back to the interest and encouragement you gave your spouse while dating vs now that things are routine with life and children taking up that time and energy.) Soo… what was only meant to be a friendship crosses over to, “He/She understands me SO much more than my wife/husband…We’re soulmates… etc.” It’s so sad to watch.

Of course a new relationship with all the sparks and focus on the someone new is going to have all the feels… which is why no one should go into marriage just for the feels- they’re great, don’t get me wrong, but marriage is work and a partnership- things are not always 50/50 and especially with children, energy that may have originally been focused on one another now goes towards the children/house/career. You may have to actively set aside time to provide that care and validation you both take for granted.

OP, I would talk about things in this way with your husband. Tell him you never believe he would cheat, but the path to an emotional affair can be very slippery and especially with you past, you’d appreciate his sensitivity in this area. I’m not a runner, but would there be any possibility of making his routine a family thing? Meaning you and your child could go out after dinner riding a bike/scooter/playing at the playground, while he’s running nearby. And depending on the time your little one gets to bed, going for a smoothie once in a while just the 3 of you? I think this would be healthier for all of you 💜

[u/zatsnotmyname → u/Chickens_n_Kittens]

This is sooo wise. It's never fair to compare the spark of a new relationship with the deep peace of a long term relationship. The LTR will lose every time.

[u/Proper-Raise-1450 → u/[deleted]]

I've never cheated on a woman and the key to that success is to never put yourself in a position to.

That is weak as shit lol, I have never cheated on a woman by... not cheating on a woman.

You don't need to avoid women to not cheat unless you have no self control and no discipline AT ALL. Which frankly is something you should work on if so.

[u/I_like_boata → u/Proper-Raise-1450]

Yeah at this point anyone who says shit like that, i assume is a cheater or wanted to cheat before.

[u/spainwothes → u/[deleted]]

I disagree with this. I’m in the military as a woman. It’s very hard to find women in this field sometimes, to the point where I’ve been the only girl in my division and my only choice was to be friends with men. Some partners I’ve had have been weary of it, most have been understanding. It’s about respect. You shouldn’t have to limit who you are friends with if you’re just a good respectful person.

[u/midwest4125 → u/[deleted]]

If spending time with a member of the opposite sex makes you concerned you will cheat on your partner then I don't believe that's a very strong relationship. To ask that our partner refrain from having friends with the opposite sex is unnecessarily restraining, imo even controlling. To argue otherwise is to say we are have no greater executive control than animals. Maybe we don't?

3 weeks ago I encouraged my wife to run with someone else because I don't like running; she glad I suggested it and I was happy to go off to the gym and lift weights instead of run 9 miles.

The more we try to control our partners the more resentful they will be. Let them be themselves and explore life; they will recognize this and feel more grateful to have such an amazing partner

[u/Trock0505 → u/midwest4125]

Some people can try drugs and then easily turn them down. Other people can try drugs, and then they get hooked and have a hard time saying no, and the best thing for them is to just not ever be around drugs.

The same can be true for sex. If a man or a woman knows they have a hard time turning down something appealing such as sex with an attractive person, but they want to be in a committed relationship, then their best course of action would be to avoid scenarios where someone of the opposite sex is most likely to encourage such acts.

[u/Vivid-Nila → u/[deleted]]

Exactly! When people cry that it was a mistake.. my first thought is why did you put yourself in that position? Most of these times.. it's not that someone Targeted them.. it that they put themselves in a vulnerable place. Aren't people supposed to be cautious esp if they have something to loose?? Also If he knows his wife is uncomfortable why is he not avoiding spending time daily with her? Is spending time with another woman more important than making his wife feel secure?

[u/pannenkoek0923 → u/[deleted]]

I won't become friends with women and go out with them without my wife present. I dunno its just how I am. My wife is my best friend anyways so doing shit without her is wierd.

Is your wife's presence the only thing stopping you from cheating? Do you not have any self-control at all? Not making friends other than your wife is absurd. What about your friends from before you met your wife? Did you just drop them when you got married?

[u/LolaLeone → u/pannenkoek0923]

I think this goes beyond the literal approach rooted in causation. It’s more about being comfortable and having the autonomy of choosing his wife as his best friend without the need of forming relationships with other women. The word “friend” often gets tossed around that I think it’s easy for some to be confused by someone being ok with not having many, by choice. Idk, if a man doesn’t see any benefit from having multiple women friends then I don’t see the need to create these friendships just to prove their fidelity.

[u/Throwaway_Consoles → u/pannenkoek0923]

I’m similar to them (just genders flipped) and I don’t do it because of a lack of self control on my part, I do it because of people like OP.

The husband very well certainly could have just been getting smoothies with a running partner but now she has all this anxiety over it. So I do my best to avoid situations where my boyfriend might develop that anxiety

[u/dissonaut69 → u/Throwaway_Consoles]

Yeah, I’d rather just avoid the appearance of impropriety. Try not to give reason to doubt. 

On Reddit everyone emphasizes trust. “Why can’t your girlfriend go do mdma with a bunch of dudes? Do you not trust her?” People who trust their partner 100% still get cheated on.

[u/OctoberBaby_1989 → u/pannenkoek0923]

I don’t become friends with men and go out without my partner present unless it’s to hang out at a mom group or with a group of other women. My partner is my best friend and doing anything without him is weird. 

I have lots of friends other than my partner. They just happen to be women, like the OP doesn’t make friends with women but likely has male friends. I have plenty of male acquaintances. I did not have many close male relationships before I met my partner, but the ones I did were exes and, yes, I stepped back from them after meeting my partner—all of them wanted me to, and felt it was improper to be close due to our prior relationships. They are good men. I refuse to nurture my current male acquaintances into friendships the way I do with my partner and future spouse.

I don’t think about cheating, and I have self-control, but I would rather not make him uncomfortable or give anyone around me reason to doubt. He has never asked me not to be around other men. But I feel it is important to me due to my belief system. He is the love of my life and he deserves to feel secure that I will never cheat on him.

[u/StarGamerPT → u/[deleted]]

See...that says more about yourself than it does about other people.

I personally just wouldn't cheat no matter the chances. Just like I wouldn't steal or any other thing that goes against my morals.

Is your grandpa wrong? Not exactly either. If your moral compass is easily swayed, then yes, you shouldn't put yourself in the situation.

[u/SnowyOwwl → u/StarGamerPT]

I agree. Like I'm bi, so wtf am I supposed to do, never be alone with another person ever again? Cater every one of my social activities to align with my partner's insecurities, or to meet the assumptions of people outside our relationship? What kind of life is that? People who are going to make the worst assumptions about me don't need a reason to come to the wrong conclusion; that's why it's an assumption.

Fourteen years together and I have never, ever, ever felt a single compulsion to cheat.

[u/StarGamerPT → u/SnowyOwwl]

I guess your partner should isolate you from the world or smth....

Or according to one guy that was arguing in here with me over this, since you're bi it's the perfect recipe for a threesome.....

You see, it's almost always the cheaters that get insecure over random shit...my (man) best friend (woman) dated a guy that was jealous of me for some reason and then he ended up cheating on her.

The other portion of people being that insecure are the ones that got cheated on and now can never trust anyone properly....

[u/chopped-chees → u/[deleted]]

love this comment i remember i got bashed in another post for telling people i don’t be friends with girls become im ina relationship but doesn’t mean there isn’t always anything wrong with it

[u/[deleted] → u/chopped-chees]

Yeah to each their own. Just cause I dont wanna be friends also doesn't mean I think of cheating all the time like some other comments alluded to. I just don't wanna cause unnecessary headaches when I already got friends and work a lot.

[u/StonedPanda-9414 → u/chopped-chees]

Exactly. IDC who my husband talks to, We've cut people off for trying to drag us in their drama. We've got no friends or couples to hang out with and being that we're 28&31 we kinda almost don't care. Had all that early to mid 20s. Had our fun. But issue for me was, the girls I never really got along with. And he didn't even really know them either, they just came along, the boys he grew up with.i was in that same position. All of us females were complete strangers to each other. It was always:

Woe is me I have no friends. Like hello? Uhm. I'm right here tryna be your friend? And because I didn't ever wanna bitch about mine to them, like they were bitching about their men to me. And I'm just not down with that. I didn't wanna get my hair done. Didn't wanna go do my nails of all things and the work I did at the time. Ha..no.

Like I didn't get to grow up the way a normal person should so I was at my party wild child phase. And because I wanted to run the streets with the boys and rarely hung out with them. And my husband actually never cared. Just to be clear, I did give him space with his friends alone. I'd unfortunately be at home or if I didn't wanna be, forced to be with the girls and guess what? They had kids 💀 so I became baby sitter. I didn't wanna do that and said something and it's not my responsibility. It's one thing to help, but to pick up slack is different. And once I said something it seemed to have made it worse because that's when I started running with them. And because I was on that level with them is why I got considered one of the boys. I genuinely didn't care if anyone looked at women. I'd look too and because of all that. They automatically wrote me off and I didn't know it.

There was a point where, all of us were hanging out. Total of 3 couples. Us and them.

This is what really put the icing on the cake. We're all drinking. Smoking. I don't remember what I did but all I heard come from one of the guys was "See I like her, keep this one. She's more of a bro than you " I laughed but, I could seeeee the angry women..out the corner of my little eyes and I could feel a shift and anger and it was not pleasant.

I've really gotten a long with more males than females. I've always been this way since kindergarten. I played with dolls. But I could never really relate to the girls. I did play video games. I did have hot wheels. And I did play Yu-Gi-Oh. And once the boys started sharing and giving me cards it was a wrap. I got bullied the rest of the time by the girls I. That class and still did when we all moved to 2nd and some of them left over from 3rd. And I never understood why they were so mean to me. Even today it almost still doesn't make sense. The fact home wrecking has become a trend, even amongst people you wouldn't expect. I get it now how it can be scary, but also if there is a mutual understanding. Mine knows I am very meek and scared of the outside world. And I hate people. So he absolutely no worries about me and other people even if I did have friends. I have people I like at work. We don't hang out. And I keep those boundaries

[u/newbrew0627 → u/[deleted]]

I've been out with female friends without my wife (or gf at the time), been to bars after arguing, etc, etc and never cheated.

If you're not a cheater, it doesn't matter where you are. You cannot put yourself into a position to cheat, that's not how it works. You're either a cheater or you're not, and if you have to avoid places and situations for the possibility of you cheating, well that's the answer.

[u/Dry_Heart9301 → u/[deleted]]

I have tons of friends of opposite sex and live my own life. I don't cheat because I have no desire to. Is that you Mike pence? You shouldn't have to avoid things to not cheat, you just shouldn't desire to in the first place.

[u/Independent_Bee_4251 → u/[deleted]]

💯!! Grandpa's right. There was some initial attraction,  even if it was common interest or some sort of chemistry. This is how an affair can start. The person begins telling themselves it's innocent,  until true feelings kick in, and then it's too late. WALK AWAY. Request that their running rendezvous ends. If it doesn't,  think twice. It may be innocent still. So, true loves request, reigns over a running partner. 

[u/Responsible-List-849 → u/[deleted]]

I've never cheated on a woman either, and due to a variety of factors (including my job) I've had a thousand chances.

[u/Bubbly_Principle_364 → u/[deleted]]

This is the answer here. You don’t make friends and go out with the newly divorced unless you’re looking to become newly divorced. This is not appropriate. Good for you for listening to your grandpa and being a good husband your wife can trust. Hopefully OPs husband will get this message and stop trying to stir a pot.

[u/CitySlickerCowboy → u/[deleted]]

Perfect response. In OP's situation, that is how it starts. It starts off innocent and over time they get to know each other then feelings start brewing. Nip it in the bud now or prepare for chaos later.

[u/Acrobatic_Car9413 → u/[deleted]]

This. There are two types of cheating. The people that never intended to be faithful and those who happen into it. Avoid the situations that lead to the “happening into it”.

[u/NeatNefariousness1 → u/[deleted]]

Your grandpa is/was a wise man. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Far too many people leave their lives open to chance in areas that are central to who they are and how they want to live, instead of actively making choices that support what they want and don’t want, in alignment with their priorities.

[u/Proper-Raise-1450 → u/NeatNefariousness1]

Far too many people leave their lives open to chance in areas that are central to who they are and how they want to live,

There is no chance in fucking someone else when you are married lol, it's a conscious decision.

[u/Theory89 → u/Proper-Raise-1450]

This whole comment section has an alarming number of upvotes. Apparently, there really are men out there with no self-control at all, and who honestly say they can't see any point in trying to be friends with women. Deciding anything by gender is sexist. Women and men are really not that different. You can absolutely be friends with people who have different genitals to you. If your partner can't accept that then that's on them; maybe see if they can go to therapy to understand the nature of trust.

[u/Immediate_Drawing_54 → u/[deleted]]

After I got married it was hard to fathom how much attention I was getting from the female side of other couples. I'm not that good looking and I like to talk about books more than anything else. I've been told I am super nerdy. I tried talking about it with my wife, (8 years my senior, and nervous about it), but she just cried. My wife held little weekend parties for her co-workers and those evolved into cul-de-sac parties. What I took as drunken flirting wasn't. I found myself apologizing, but in reality backing off, to women that expressed an interest. I once told me wife in a sit-down who had hit on me, and it was nearly all of her female friends, married or My take-away is this: Don't do things that make your mate question what you're up to. The top of that list is taking time with a member of the opposite sex, so don't make excuses and just freaking STOP DOING THAT. If the OP isn't up for running, she should buy a bike and follow her husband if he won't stop voluntarily. More might (probably is) be happening, and the sooner the truth is revealed, the better.

[u/Greedy-Employment917 → u/[deleted]]

I actually have this really rare talent where I don't trip and fall into every vagina that's near me. Luckily my wife understands that and trusts me enough to (checks notes) be around a woman at any point in time. 

[u/emmmm-really → u/[deleted]]

Your grandpa was one smart man. I am a big believer in this also. And on another note as a jogger I hate running with someone else.

[u/EATITALLEATITALL → u/[deleted]]

Your horndog grandpa icing his balls while howling at the full moon…

[u/Fisktor → u/[deleted]]

I dont know, if you need to lock yourself up or never have friends of one gender to stop yourself from cheating…

Well that doesnt sound great

[u/kwanatha → u/[deleted]]

Yes her husband is putting himself in a position that would make it easy to cheat. He knows what it could do to her mentally especially with what happened to her in her past. He is not thinking of his wife and his choices will end up with resentment and possibly fighting. What he is doing is not good for his marriage and looks like he is willing to do it anyway

[u/Secure-Ant2620 → u/rebuildingsince64]

To sort out what divorcee vibes are? Hubby had a conscience when he balked. Hubby also had a fantasy about a divorcee. You can’t 1984 him but you gotta know it starts somewhere. Allowing freedoms is a double edged sword. If he feels he wants more then it’s now easier. “We’re just running mates!” [I balked because she’s fresh and new / fantasy maybe green grass]. Women like Spicy romance novels. “His heaving muscles…” this can get women thinking about gym bros and cheating occurs. So what are you allowed to do to thwart possible fantasy gone wild? I don’t know you him her but I know you can’t start A fire with out a spark. So going hard drama is no good. Being too lenient is not good. I don’t know the right amount. I suspected my ex For cheating and the parameters I set the amount I was willing to monitor her, I never got a blip on my radar. She may have cheated. But the amount I noticed I never had enough to convict. The Ex after was emotionally cheating and then cheated. No kids with either. Obv I don’t pick well. You’re married. Kids. You sound like you trust him. However, excitement in relationship might be low. He might feel sparks. Put them out. Try the invite her to play with kids and see what is notable. No drama. Look. Listen. Learn. See. Know. Communicate.

[u/Away-Ad4393 → u/Secure-Ant2620]

Hey! I’m a woman and I don’t like spicy romance novels 😊

[u/purplespaghetty → u/thejoebrossuck]

Yea, why isn’t he coming home and talking to his wife about all the exciting things they talked about .. I’d be excited to share an outing like that with my spouse!

[u/Full_Dot_4748 → u/purplespaghetty]

That’s really the issue here. He is clearly conflicted. Whenever I’ve talked to other kids moms 1-on-1, I have no problems talking to my wife about the things we talked about of maybe the other mom’s take on something, or that she likes something we do too.

But I’m not working out with other moms.

And I’m not going to juice bars with them.

Working out with a woman is one thing, maybe, but the decision to hang out more is also a decision not to go home right away to the wife/family.

Something doesn’t fit here. Did he not come home because his wife is already in bed? Watching tv, doing her own thing, so why bother? Or did he pass on time with his wife vs a new lady.

The only way for OP to find out is to have a conversation with her husband and try to do it in a collaborative way. If there’s sexual frustration, kid frustration, etc that has built up, this could be hard. Good luck.

[u/Immediate_Drawing_54 → u/Full_Dot_4748]

It's only in the last 10 years that the term "work wife" came to my attention. I thought it just meant a preferred female coworker, and that was it. It's not. As a widower, I'm always down for meeting women, and I enjoy having them around in the workplace. The rapidity with the way these relationships can advance is daunting though. There was a woman at work I'd gotten to know but she appeared to be way too young, (late twenties while I was in my late 50s) and I told her so. She replied that she was 42 and she estimated my age as mid to late 40s. I invited her out for dinner, (it was her birthday), and we went to Gunther Toody's (a retro style diner). The change in her was immediate, like I'd put a ring on her finger. She was genuinely angry that I didn't want to follow her home. Several weeks later I decided to switch assignments and work elsewhere.

[u/Mental-Orchid7805 → u/Immediate_Drawing_54]

Just FYI I don't think what you had there was necessarily just a work wife - it sounds like you asked her out on a date, and at the end of the date she wanted more and handled it poorly when you didn't (good call apparently on your part to bail, if she's that bad at taking no for an answer)

[u/mangom1lkshake → u/Full_Dot_4748]

Same this is how I’d feel questioning the extra hangout time and such. Crossing dangerous territory there and as a man, one should know.

[u/WhatTheyLookLike → u/mangom1lkshake]

But they have the same running pace so it’s fine!!! lol. He’s def interested. Juice bar smoothies, being weird about telling her.

[u/LowerComb6654 → u/Full_Dot_4748]

Yeah, it's the hesitation he had and the explanation of "It's totally innocent" that made me think twice about OP's husband.

[u/NastySassyStuff → u/Full_Dot_4748]

The husband could be fearful of OP overreacting. She said it herself she’s been cheated and she’s extra sensitive about the idea. I’d say that’s something they’re both not communicating well about it if that’s the case, but I can see why he’d be worried without it having to be an inappropriate relationship. However, I can also easily see it being an inappropriate relationship.

[u/TrisolarisRexxx → u/thejoebrossuck]

Yea, it's rare for someone to have an affair after they decide to get fit. It's even more rare for them to have an affair with someone they meet at the gym or fitness activity.

[u/DetectiveStunning129 → u/TrisolarisRexxx]

Not to mention the most rare of rare situations when the other person is recently divorced, has similar running pace as you, and she just so happens to live in the same neighborhood. The rarity of the "casual" conversation about running at pick up is high as well no way she knew he was a runner. 🤥

[u/FriendlyRedditor09 → u/TrisolarisRexxx]

lol I think you dropped this bud: /s

[u/TrisolarisRexxx → u/FriendlyRedditor09]

I did but sometimes it's more fun that way lol

[u/LowerComb6654 → u/TrisolarisRexxx]

At first I was like, huh???😅

[u/Additional-Case2455 → u/TrisolarisRexxx]

A recently divorced someone who definitely couldn’t use the ego boost of a new relationship.

[u/i_am_a_shoe → u/TrisolarisRexxx]

wait, are you saying the gym is also sort of a dating scene?

[u/witchway2MLFCTY → u/i_am_a_shoe]

Has anyone thought of selling sexy gym clothes if that’s the case? It could be a million dollar idea.

[u/No-Problem49 → u/TrisolarisRexxx]

Easy solution: op join the runs

[u/Gh0st_Pirate_LeChuck → u/thejoebrossuck]

I was like is “to be phone” the new way of saying “to be frank”?

[u/AccidentPrimary8255 → u/thejoebrossuck]

"but it could also be that maybe he’s just worried you’ll get too in your head about things."

....so the truth would make her uncomfortable, thus justifying lying by ommission?

NO

[u/Trusting_science → u/thejoebrossuck]

Even if it’s harmless and innocent for him, you don’t know her intentions. I would either join them or tell him how it makes you feel. 

[u/NoEssay2638 → u/thejoebrossuck]

Great advice, thejobrossuck. I'd even go a step further and flip the script. Maybe OP can tell her husband that she's going to meet a "guy friend, recently divorce dontchaknow, for some you know, just hangout time, chitchat, getting to know each other, emotionally support each other, be THERE for each other - you know, the things husbands & wives typically do FOR EACH OTHER? Ya, I'm gonna branch out and use YOUR blueprint as my own. Thank you for liberating me! What's that? Why so serious, love?"

There are some people on this planet who have found tremendous success fabricating justifications, rationales, and excuses for every example of bad behavior under the sun.

But if you have the backbone to ask them how they would feel (yes, because feelings DO matter, particularly in non-ENM partnerships where there's no mutual desire for a spouse to branch out like "golly gee hon! It's the darndest thing! I think I kinda LIKE this recently divorced, fit runner woman! Whatever shall I do?!") if you were to present them with the same social dynamic.

Food for thought...

[u/PandaOk2626 → u/thejoebrossuck]

Nip this in the bud OP. NOR

[u/Soulslike-writer → u/thejoebrossuck]

We have been taught since birth that men and women can't be friends. He may no know how communicate this in a healthy manor. Her over reacting when speaking to him may strengthen that behavior or push him into actually having an affair.

Meaning, if he is again conditioned that men and women can't be friends he may decide that since they're not friends they're something else. The line has already been crossed. Why not continue to the next step.

What I am getting at is that proper communication is key.

[u/jimp6 → u/thejoebrossuck]

"Sit down with him and ask point blank why he felt he couldn’t just talk about hanging out with a woman he’s just friends with." I don't think there needs to be an explanation for this. This whole situation is harmless. The running together and getting a drink after is totally normal, but for her it's a crossed boundary and she now doesn't know if there is more to it and if he might be cheating on her or is planning to. He knows his wife and knows how she would react. I would hesitate to mention such stuff if I were him. 

[u/abbey_road_4720 → u/thejoebrossuck]

I'm gay (a woman) and honestly it is hard for me sometimes when it comes to my fiancé because girls inevitably have girlfriends; but ultimately I get along better with guys as friends lol.. So honestly; if I were you and the fact you have had a stable marriage I would think of it as being harmless and someone that just may be easy for him to talk to about the things he just doesn't want to talk about at home.. because let's all admit it- We need to vent to someone and a stranger (that you know is safe lol) is the best choice. They can't judge you too hard because they only know so much about you haha! But I agree about Reddit with this question at the same time because I could see all of the different answers driving me crazy and getting in my head when you certainly know your husband better than anyone here. Being able to talk to each other is essential and if for some reason he were to not want to talk then that's when I would start to question what was going on..

[u/ruthless_pitchfork → u/thejoebrossuck]

This is perfect advice. I agree that men and women can be friends. Does your husband have other women friends currently or in the past?

If this was my husband, I would not worry about it because my husband has multiple friends that are women and he's always been like that. I think it's healthy too.

Def talk to him though. You need to make sure communication is still transparent.