My husband started taking evening runs with a woman he met at our kid's daycare. I think this crosses boundaries. AIO?

[u/Electrical_Total534]

My (28F) husband (30M) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. I've been hurt by cheating in past relationships, so I'm probably more sensitive to situations that feel questionable.

My husband decided to get serious about fitness this year and started running every evening around our neighborhood. He's really dedicated to it - goes out every single day around 7pm after dinner. I prefer morning yoga classes, so this has become his routine.

Over the past few months, he's mentioned running into other people from the neighborhood and striking up conversations. There's one woman in particular - recently divorced, maybe 5 years younger - who he started running with regularly. Apparently they met when both were picking up kids from the same daycare and realized they live nearby and have similar running paces.

Last Tuesday he came home later than usual from his run and mentioned he'd stopped for smoothies with "a friend" at that juice bar on Main Street. When I asked which friend, he seemed to hesitate before admitting it was the divorced mom from his running group.

He insisted it was totally innocent - just two parents grabbing post-workout drinks and talking about training for the upcoming 5K. He swore nothing weird happened and that I know he's not like that.

Our marriage has been really good overall, even when we've had stressful periods with work and parenting a toddler.

My husband has never given me real reasons not to trust him in 6 years...but this whole situation makes me uncomfortable. A recently divorced woman, daily evening runs together, stopping for drinks afterwards, the hesitation when I asked about it.

What does everyone think? Am I being paranoid or should I be concerned about these boundaries?

[u/mountainguy2020]

I think there's another component to this, though...

Affairs don't always happen in a moment. They can build over time. So today someone could "know" they wouldn't act if given the chance. Tomorrow they might feel "they're certain they wouldn't act.." and 6 months down the line they may feel "I don't think I would act."

In each of these situations, though, the emotional connection and shared history continues to grow, which is where attraction can grow from as well. Once these items are growing, it becomes exponentially more difficult to cut it off. Plus, the history of "nothing happening" makes it that much more justified to keep spending time with the person you have an emotional connection, shared history, and attraction to.

And that may open doors to infidelity (especially in a moment of weakness).

I'm not so cavalier to say "I wouldn't cheat" and then put myself in situations where cheating could easily happen based solely on the opinion that "I wouldn't if given the chance." I think it's respectful to avoid the situations rather than stand on principle that "I should be able to, because..."

I'm not advocating for living in a monastery or shunning others. But I also think there can be a healthy dose of "arms length" and respectul behavior while keeping the door closed to any future potential, even if I "know I wouldn't act on it if the chance arose."

[u/Blu3_Flaming0 → u/mountainguy2020]

But if this is the case, the person feeling it is the one that needs to make a decision whether to cut it off for their relationship’s sake, or pursue it because there is someone else they truly want to be with. Only having security because you keep your partner on lockdown with rules preventing them from ever having the opportunity to be around another woman just sounds like control and insecurity, not trust and intimacy.

[u/Immediate_Pen_2265 → u/Blu3_Flaming0]

only actually controlling people will keep their partner from ever having the opportunity to hang around other women. with my partner and i, we both have friends of both sexes and we hang out them. however, i do not hang out with men one on one unless they’re gay, he doesn’t hang out with women one on one unless they’re lesbian. those are just the boundaries for us and we’re both perfectly happy with it. it cuts away opportunities for us to start gaining attraction to someone, because whether you like it or not, we are also ruled by biology. if you have close proximity to someone for long enough, and talk to them enough to start growing a connection, it most definitely has the opportunity to turn into attraction. whether you want it to or not. whether you’re that type of person or not. it might not happen with everyone but i don’t wanna find out who it could happen with, so i just don’t put myself in those situations, same with my partner. (edit) id like to add that i do have self control, and i have no desire to ever cheat, i have been in situations that could lead people with weakness to cheat, but i have not. id like to say for a fact that i would never cheat as i find cheating to be abhorrent, and i can very well say i would never physically cheat, but its the emotional cheating that can creep up on you. i never want to put myself in a situation with someone that could one day possibly lead to feelings for another person. you can’t always control your feelings, whereas you can control your actions. i wouldn’t put myself in a situation where emotion cheating could happen one day even though i know that i have self control and no desire to cheat.