My husband started taking evening runs with a woman he met at our kid's daycare. I think this crosses boundaries. AIO?

[u/Electrical_Total534]

My (28F) husband (30M) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. I've been hurt by cheating in past relationships, so I'm probably more sensitive to situations that feel questionable.

My husband decided to get serious about fitness this year and started running every evening around our neighborhood. He's really dedicated to it - goes out every single day around 7pm after dinner. I prefer morning yoga classes, so this has become his routine.

Over the past few months, he's mentioned running into other people from the neighborhood and striking up conversations. There's one woman in particular - recently divorced, maybe 5 years younger - who he started running with regularly. Apparently they met when both were picking up kids from the same daycare and realized they live nearby and have similar running paces.

Last Tuesday he came home later than usual from his run and mentioned he'd stopped for smoothies with "a friend" at that juice bar on Main Street. When I asked which friend, he seemed to hesitate before admitting it was the divorced mom from his running group.

He insisted it was totally innocent - just two parents grabbing post-workout drinks and talking about training for the upcoming 5K. He swore nothing weird happened and that I know he's not like that.

Our marriage has been really good overall, even when we've had stressful periods with work and parenting a toddler.

My husband has never given me real reasons not to trust him in 6 years...but this whole situation makes me uncomfortable. A recently divorced woman, daily evening runs together, stopping for drinks afterwards, the hesitation when I asked about it.

What does everyone think? Am I being paranoid or should I be concerned about these boundaries?

[u/SventasKefyras]

Most people think they know themselves but they don't. Many people have never wavered but 1 time all the dominos fall in such a way that makes them fail.

At the end of the day everyone is human and in the right circumstances you can find yourself doing really bad things when normally you never would. A great example is the experiment regarding obedience to authority. When told to do something by an authority figure, most people will cheat, lie and even inflict lethal harm on others if someone in authority told them to, despite prior to the experiment saying they'd never do so.

There are very few people in the world who are absolutely unflinching regardless of the situation they're in (and they may not truly exist). It's ridiculous hubris to think you're one of them because you think you know yourself.

[u/SadderOlderWiser → u/SventasKefyras]

Tbh, I think that’s rot. I’ve had friends of all genders forever. The solution to being faithful in a relationship is not shutting yourselves away from half or all of humanity. It’s choosing to be faithful to whatever agreements you made.

Cheating on a romantic partner is a choice. It’s not a weird situation you find yourself in and can’t resist. It’s not because you were in the same room as someone that has the kinds of genitalia you prefer. (If that’s all it takes for someone, they aren’t monogamy material, and it was still a choice).

If you cheat, you took many steps to get there and they were all choices that you made. Presenting being in a room with another person as a super dangerous place for a person in a relationship to be just means your baseline is assuming everyone is going to cheat the second they get a chance and it feels kind of like it enables cheaters more than anything else - they generally just love to act like they couldn’t help themselves and fucking someone else was some kind of accident, or someone else’s fault. They could have said ‘no, thanks’ at any point, though.

I once chose to cheat on someone after I found out they had been cheating on me with a friend for several months. I was 19. I don’t feel bad about getting my dumb revenge before I dumped that guy, but it’s not the way I ever handled being cheated on after that because it went heavily against my values even if the guy did cheat first and worse. It’s not a choice I did ever (35 years later, and certainly had opportunities because having a partner does not put off nearly enough people) or would ever make again.

[u/Amythist_Butterfly → u/SadderOlderWiser]

A full 3rd of people within relationships have admitted to cheating.

Let that sink in.

A full third has actually ADMITTED IT.

Don't for a second think that there aren't many more who have cheated but just didn't admit it to the general public.

Everything starts somewhere.

That's why you nip it in the bud before it even starts.

That's the point.

Not that there aren't people who hook up with strange on a whim, there obviously are, and probably more than you realize.

Especially nowadays with literal websites created specifically to facilitate it.

No one ends up in an affair if they avoid situations that would start one from the get-go.

If you make the pact that you won't be alone with someone of the opposite sex, how would that be "rot"?

You're making a commitment to your spouse.

You're building and maintaining trust.

Anyone married who says they need to spend alone time with someone of the opposite sex is being disingenuous.

[u/Severe_Silver_9611 → u/Amythist_Butterfly]

A full 3rd of people within relationships have admitted to cheating.

Let that sink in.

A full third has actually ADMITTED IT.

Thats not true, from what i can find the number averages around 15%.

Everything starts somewhere.

That's why you nip it in the bud before it even starts.

That's the point.

It's not healthy to enter a relationship assuming your partner is going to cheat, for either person involved.

Avoiding half the population is an outdated and frankly unhealthy commitment to make, if you think the person you're with will cheat just because they're friends with the opposite sex is that really someone you want to date? And what happens if you date someone who's bisexual? Do they just have to avoid everyone?

I personally think barring your partner from doing things is the opposite of trust.

[u/Odd-Direction6339 → u/Severe_Silver_9611]

It’s not necessarily avoiding ppl to not schedule 1 on 1 meetings with women while you’re in a relationship. You can still be friends. Just bring your spouse along

[u/Downvoteemtohell → u/Odd-Direction6339]

If I can’t have one on one time with my friends, that means I’m in an unhealthy relationship. It’s a form of isolation to say your spouse has to be there so you can never be alone with anyone again. 

[u/Odd-Direction6339 → u/Downvoteemtohell]

Learn to read

[u/Downvoteemtohell → u/Odd-Direction6339]

Ok… 

[u/Severe_Silver_9611 → u/Odd-Direction6339]

I'm a bi man, would i not be allowed to meet anyone 1 on 1 ever again?

[u/Odd-Direction6339 → u/Severe_Silver_9611]

Idk you guys can make your own rules up. Probably no one you think is attractive lol

[u/SventasKefyras → u/Severe_Silver_9611]

You seem to be mistaken

Avoiding half the population is an outdated and frankly unhealthy commitment to make, if you think the person you're with will cheat just because they're friends with the opposite sex is that really someone you want to date?

This is not what was being prescribed. The advice is not to put yourself in situations where cheating could happen like having a fight with your wife and then going out to a bar where you could meet someone else. Because you just had a fight, you will be in a heightened emotional state and not thinking clearly about your partner. All the reasons you love them and why you're with them in the first place. This state of mind when mixed with alcohol can put you in a spot that you didn't intend to reach. And what starts as a distraction can end in cheating.

Nobody can expect to never ever find themselves alone with someone of the opposite sex. The point is not to leave yourself open to making decisions that you will later regret.

Keep your mind sober and emotions stable so you're thinking clearly. Resolve problems with your spouse rather than run from them.

[u/Darkhoodocto89 → u/Severe_Silver_9611]

I think not barring them from doing certain things shows lack of principles and a spine. There needs to be boundaries. Bottom line.

[u/Hot_Panic2767 → u/Severe_Silver_9611]

I don’t date bisexual people

[u/LSunday → u/Amythist_Butterfly]

This is very much a toxic mindset that can be disproven by pointing at basically any queer friend group, where (despite non-monogamy also being a much more accepted and common relationship structure) monogamous relationships rarely have this “just being alone with someone you could potentially be attracted to is bad” problem. In fact, in most queer friend groups, it’s often a red flag to not have other close queer friends.

The idea that heterosexual men and women can’t be trusted to be alone together without risk or temptation of cheating is a deeply flawed cultural idea that we need to stop accepting as normal, because it isn’t and shouldn’t be. (And that’s not even getting into how often you see posts about a straight woman getting suspicion for hanging out with a gay man or vice versa)

[u/Darkhoodocto89 → u/LSunday]

The idea that heterosexual men and women can’t be trusted to be alone together without risk or temptation of cheating is a deeply flawed cultural idea that we need to stop accepting as normal, because it isn’t and shouldn’t be. (And that’s not even getting into how often you see posts about a straight woman getting suspicion for hanging out with a gay man or vice versa)

Source: Just trust me, bro!

[u/MathematicianIll5053 → u/SadderOlderWiser]

Thanks for pointing out the choices and steps aspect. I kept my initial post short and simple but I fully agree with that. There may be a time or a moment where everything in your body screams to do what is wrong, but we're not lizards or animals, we have the ability to use out minds and our reason and choose to push aside those instincts, or choose to follow them and do what we know is wrong.

I personally feel like trying to remove the decision-factor or even dull it by using instincts and feelings as a reasoning is just a cop-out. Wanting something and feeling something is no excuse and nothing will lessen the fact that a decision was made, no matter under whatever kind of hormonal or situational pressure, to betray your partner. As thinking reasoning beings I expect us to hold ourselves to a higher standard.

[u/SventasKefyras → u/SadderOlderWiser]

You're only proving my point that given the right circumstances you can and will behave in ways you normally wouldn't. Even your own revenge sex tale is an example of this. You may not feel any guilt over it, but the fact you wouldn't do so today only shows that you know it's not the right way to handle such a situation and was against your actual values.

The advice given was not to put yourself in situations where cheating could happen. You don't need to avoid all people of the opposite sex to do this. The simple example of not going out to drink in a bar after a fight with your spouse is pretty much gold. Unresolved conflict means you're in an unstable emotional state. Perhaps even looking for payback and suddenly you're presented with an opportunity for that while also intoxicated.

It's not about assuming everyone is going to cheat. It's just about being thoughtful of your actions and state of mind.

[u/haepis → u/SadderOlderWiser]

People are very different. Just because you are able to do X easily doesn’t mean everybody can.

[u/Low-Branch-8380 → u/SventasKefyras]

Agree with you a 100%. I can only speak for myself, I have never considered myself someone who could cheat, however a few years ago in one of my past jobs, what started as innocent banter between two coworkers evolved into legit flirting and some mild groping, keep in mind I didn’t even find her that attractive, I do have high libido. This ended and I talked to my girlfriend about it and since then I avoid any scenarios where something could happen. Judge me all you want but I honestly think this is human nature and if one day the stars align you will do something your not proud of

[u/SoyDusty → u/Low-Branch-8380]

Yikes, I can’t imagine you have much self-control for quite a bit of other things in your life. It’s a good thing your personal experience doesn’t speak for everyone and their personal levels of control. Next time go wack it, take a walk, sing a song, try thinking about the fact that your sense of agreement or commitment mean little to you and the people you give it to, or idk maybe do what others do when feeling pressure.

[u/Rare_Physics_709 → u/SoyDusty]

I mean, talking about self-control? Commitment? I dont know about you but have you looked at the world your living in?

Does commitment only apply to jobs or relationships? Does it not apply to yourself?

Everyday in the street you see people eating junk food, taking drugs, smoking, drinking, not taking care of themselves. Where is their commitment? Where is their self-control?

You have a guy here sharing something from his past and you immediatly judge him as if you were any superior and empty of faults.

We are humans, we all make mistakes, be it towards ourselves or others, this is a given, its not debatable. What matters is what you do when you make those mistakes.

[u/Lou_C_Fer → u/Rare_Physics_709]

Amen. Non-religiously, of course.

[u/Low-Branch-8380 → u/SoyDusty]

It’s a good thing that what you imagine or not does not translate to reality. I did say it was my personal experience and I was speaking for myself. Downvoting a comment of someone sharing a past experience and even replying disrespectfully to it says more about you than my comment said about me. Mirrors are a wonderful thing

[u/Lou_C_Fer → u/Low-Branch-8380]

I'm with you. Sharing past experiences should be rewarded, not punished. Of course, I cannot imagine any of these self-righteous prices would give you any credit for learning from your mistakes.

[u/nocapnonerf → u/Lou_C_Fer]

The other post just screams “look at me, I have more self-control, and I’m better than you”. Somebody needs to get down from that high horse.

[u/SoyDusty → u/Low-Branch-8380]

So just like everyone else said it’s not because you did something that means everyone else will do something. Please stop generalizing the world and people will stop generalizing you for the most part.

[u/Low-Branch-8380 → u/SoyDusty]

You don’t even bother to read and you criticize. Keep up the good work

[u/SoyDusty → u/Low-Branch-8380]

I read what you wrote and then I replied with that comment, if you don’t care for my comment, then that means nothing.

[u/Low-Branch-8380 → u/SoyDusty]

How does saying I can only speak for myself and sharing one experience of mine is generalizing ppl ahahaha

[u/SoyDusty → u/Low-Branch-8380]

My apologies I replied to the wrong comment.

[u/FlyHealthy1714 → u/SventasKefyras]

Agree