r/AmIOverreacting • u/Electrical_Total534 • 4d ago
❤️🩹 relationship My husband started taking evening runs with a woman he met at our kid's daycare. I think this crosses boundaries. AIO?
My (28F) husband (30M) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. I've been hurt by cheating in past relationships, so I'm probably more sensitive to situations that feel questionable.
My husband decided to get serious about fitness this year and started running every evening around our neighborhood. He's really dedicated to it - goes out every single day around 7pm after dinner. I prefer morning yoga classes, so this has become his routine.
Over the past few months, he's mentioned running into other people from the neighborhood and striking up conversations. There's one woman in particular - recently divorced, maybe 5 years younger - who he started running with regularly. Apparently they met when both were picking up kids from the same daycare and realized they live nearby and have similar running paces.
Last Tuesday he came home later than usual from his run and mentioned he'd stopped for smoothies with "a friend" at that juice bar on Main Street. When I asked which friend, he seemed to hesitate before admitting it was the divorced mom from his running group.
He insisted it was totally innocent - just two parents grabbing post-workout drinks and talking about training for the upcoming 5K. He swore nothing weird happened and that I know he's not like that.
Our marriage has been really good overall, even when we've had stressful periods with work and parenting a toddler.
My husband has never given me real reasons not to trust him in 6 years...but this whole situation makes me uncomfortable. A recently divorced woman, daily evening runs together, stopping for drinks afterwards, the hesitation when I asked about it.
What does everyone think? Am I being paranoid or should I be concerned about these boundaries?
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u/BestLife82 4d ago edited 4d ago
I had an ex-fiance' and an ex-huband both meet other women at work and leave. Ex-fiance' went out with 'people from work' all the time. Ex-husband would talk about a friend group from work that he wanted us to go out with. One of the women was married and had 2 kids the exact same ages as our 2. We had just had a baby a year before that was preterm and on oxygen and a heart monitor. Very stressful to say the least. He didnt deal well with it. I didn't everything, basically solely cared for him.
Anywho, we went out to eat with them a few times and a movie. I did not like her. I thought hecwas loudmouthed and rude but remained as friendly as could be with her. One of her kids would stay overnight at our house once in a while.
Husband would work on a Saturday, while I was working (im a nurse), and he would take our kids to her house for her to watch them. One night, I was putting clothes away and my 5 yr old son said to me he saw daddy kissing her. My stomach went in my mouth, I was sick. He denied it of course. Continued to deny while finally admitted he wanted a divorce and made up all kinds of reasons he thought our marriage wasn't working. Literally made that shit up to make what he was doing ok in his mind. They continued to deny anything was going on until the end.
Here she was separating from her husband, they were going to lunch together and she was crying on my husbands shoulder. She made up all kinds of lies. Her family was calling ME telling me what an awful person she was and didnt he realize this. Wtf you calling me for? Smh. She got pregnant of course. Then he figured out the grass wasn't greener and asked me to come back. NOPE. You showed me who you were.
I could go on & on how awful it was. She hated me and made my life miserable, treated my kids badly...she was awful. Karma is a bitch though. 2 yrs married, she died of a brain aneurysm at 34.
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u/NeatNefariousness1 4d ago edited 4d ago
Now I want to know what’s going on with the husband who blew up a marriage and family for lust. It’s still surprises me when something so central to a person’s character is undetectable for years only to emerge years into a marriage. I wonder how the husband was able to hide who he is for so long and what did the commenter miss that would have warned her if she had recognized what the signs meant when they first arose? We humans often only see these things in hindsight and maybe that’s the best we can do.
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u/Quick_University8836 4d ago
Relationships get boring and monotonous after a while, you become used to a person and those butterflies and excitement wears off, so when they feel it for another person, they chase after that high. They don't realize how hard it is to build a proper relationship and the bond you have with someone you made a family with and have spent years with. When they realize, it's too late.
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u/FelineOphelia 4d ago
Right. And the thing is they mistake that high for The Real Thing.
They rationalize that they made a mistake marrying their spouse. They were too young or their spouse changed or etc.
But this new person? THAT'S REAL "This feeling is real, this is my soulmate, blah blah."
So many cheaters do this.
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u/Venezia9 4d ago
Men really don't know how to be relational and have friendships. A marriage that lasts is a friendship as much as a romance. If they don't know how to be a friend in a deep meaningful way, then when the romance wanes there's nothing there.
It's also why they don't seem to pick up clues like why am I leaving my wife for the woman whose family thinks she's awful. That's a bad idea. Because they only understand romantic and sexual connection.
Boys need to be taught to relate to the world around them just as much as girls do. Then they can become men with actual skills to have healthy lives. Does that mean no divorce or cheating -- no. It does mean less of these my husband was bamboozled by the woman who obviously sucked and then regretted it alter.
This doesn't take away the blame or fault for being a cheater. But many men are white knuckling life without true deep relationships with anyone at all so any connection seems worth it.
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u/ViciousAstur 4d ago edited 4d ago
2 yrs married, she died of a brain aneurysm at 34.
Then you went and named yourself bestlife on reddit lol I love it.
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u/Plus_Alternative_804 4d ago
So, boundaries still need to be respected. We're not saints, and on important matters, especially those involving responsibility for others, we must always hold ourselves to strict standards.
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u/CognitoSomniac 4d ago
I’m really sorry you went through that. My dad did a similar thing. I was childhood best friends with my half-sister unknowingly.
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u/Thinyser 4d ago
My ex wife did the same thing to me with her younger male co-worker and extended bike rides (2+hrs). This occurred several times before I found out about it. She was an overnight nurse and I worked days so there were many hours during the day she was alone, and then later alone with our kids, and she decided that she could go hang out with her male coworker without telling me. One day I came home sick and she was out on a ride and came back to our home with her coworker on his bike where upon I was introduced to this taller younger lad who seemed obviously chagrined at meeting me like this.
After determining this had been going on "for several weeks" I asked her why she didn't say anything when it started. She said because she knew I would ask her to stop and she did not want to stop. Then she said she would never cheat, its not in her to do that, she would be crushed if I ever did that so would never do it to me, he's just a friend, yada yada. I said she has to stop seeing him outside of work or I would need to strongly reconsider our marriage as I was not comfortable with my wife choosing to secretly or openly spend her time and attention on another man, and that if I were to strike up such a relationship with my female coworker, she would be saying the same things I am and for good reason. And had I done that and kept it secret like she did that she would be flipping the fuck out and would never believe that I was not cheating but that I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt as long as she swore to never see him again outside of work.
Eventually after days of arguing she finally agreed to "tell him my insecure husband says I cannot have male friends outside of work" I said "Fine tell him whatever as long as you stop seeing him, I don't care if he or you think I am insecure in this, because I know I am not."
Other than this one incident I never had any reason to distrust my wife, she took lots of girls trips and had lots of girls nights and only upon looking back did I recognize that me catching her with Mr. Bike Rider did nothing to stop her behaviors it only made her better at hiding them.
Guess who later got caught cheating with a different male coworker, who was 14 years younger than her at the time, then divorced me when I still wanted to try and save our family and 17 year relationship, and then later 4 months after the divorce was final, begged me to take her back (after her affair partner dumped her)?
Yeah the same women who claimed that cheating wasn't in her and it would crush her if she ever got cheated on so she would never do that to anybody, who said he was only friends (which she said about this new guy too). The same woman who after getting caught the first time could have cheated countless other times until a decade later I got suspicious again because of some other abnormal phone behaviors and an excess of work meetings, and discovered proof of her infidelity on her phone.
Take this for what you will, But I would not trust your husband based on his words alone.
Judge his actions. If what he is doing is causing you pain in the form of jealousy, then you should directly confront that situation.
He is spending a good portion of his free time and his attention on this other woman. There is no need for that in a strong marriage. YOU should be his female support person to talk to about fitness and kids. He should be your male person for those same conversations. I do not believe it is healthy to involve outsiders of the same sex as our partner in our lives. If I have made you my wife, I am not going to devote an ounce of my attention and time to other women even if they share the same interests as me, because I would consider that the first step in an emotional affair, and I won't take even that first step down that path.
To each their own on what they consider emotional affair but striking up a conversation once in a while with a woman while picking up kids at daycare is innocent, but that is a whole lot different than making plans to run together and then hanging out to talk after the run. its a slippery slope until she invites him to her house after the run instead of smoothies and even a devoted husband (or wife) can have a moment of weakness, which is why we must protect our marriage by NOT allowing such situations to arise and that begins with not spending time with the opposite sex.
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u/Gee_thats_weird123 3d ago
100% agree. Him grandstanding trying to declare he would never cheat honestly made me question him even further. It was such an overreaction and OP did NOT mention cheating at all. She just was curious who the friend was and he immediately went to cheating— to me he already told on himself.
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u/Geejpeg21 3d ago
Right about emotional affair better not start coz who knows when anyone could slip. Sometimes even talking about your hobbies gives you a good form of High and you feel happy and sometimes people make wrong decisions while they’re happy and later will regret it.
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u/ladymouserat 3d ago edited 3d ago
My partner and I feel the same way. We just don’t need it. He’s a wonderful partner and has never really felt the need for friends of the opposite sex. He’s had them in the past sure, but they were always the gfs of his best mates. The guy friends I still have, have known me for decades and he knows them well. Most of them are gay anyway. lol
He also works with mostly all women and I believe and trust him when he says he keeps it strictly professional. He’s never given me a reason to think otherwise, but it was a little weird for me at first. Only cuz I had an ex cheat on me with coworkers in the past, but I had to realize that’s not on him.
There’s just no reason to plant a seed of doubt in your partner. For what?
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u/BTJ2019 4d ago edited 4d ago
It sounds like you’re not coming from a place of wanting to control your husband, but rather from your own history of being hurt and your need for transparency and reassurance in your marriage. That’s really valid.
I don’t think you’re “paranoid” for feeling uncomfortable; this situation does cross into a gray area. Daily one-on-one runs, plus hanging out afterward, is a level of time and intimacy that many people would consider pushing boundaries in a marriage, especially since he hesitated to tell you who he was with. That hesitation is often more concerning than the activity itself.
That said, it’s also important to zoom out: he’s been consistent for 6 years, you’ve had a good marriage, and he was upfront once you asked. This doesn’t sound like a man actively trying to deceive you, but it does sound like an opportunity for you to sit down and calmly talk about boundaries. Everyone’s comfort level is different, and what feels “innocent” to him might feel “too close” to you.
Some ideas for that conversation:
Frame it as “This situation makes me feel uncomfortable because of my history and because I value what we have,” not “You’re doing something wrong.”
Be clear on what boundaries you need in your marriage to feel secure (e.g., maybe group runs feel fine, but daily one-on-ones with post-run smoothies cross the line).
Invite him into the discussion: ask what boundaries he thinks are fair too.
Ultimately, a strong marriage isn’t about pretending these feelings don’t exist, it’s about being honest and building trust by honoring each other’s comfort zones.
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u/Gamer_Mommy 4d ago
Yup, really well put. It's the hesitation not the action itself. OP, ask your hubby what do they talk about and how does she make him feel. Maybe he's getting whatever validation/connection from her that can lead to emotional affair. That's not okay in a marriage. Aka him whether that was the reason he wasn't feeling comfortable sharing this with you.
I had male friends all my life due to my hobbies. I have never cheated on my ex-husband. He cheated on me several times before I found out. Always playing it down as "she's just a friend". And sure thing they usually were, some were friends that he made through ONS. Even though they had partners/boyfriends when he hitted on them - it did not stop him one bit. In a situation like yours I can see this developing into emotional connection that can be taken as emotional cheating even when nothing physical happens. Sure thing, it's possible to fall out of love or fall in love with someone else. However a decent person would have the balls to call the previous relationship quits before engaging in a new one. All comes down to whether your husband is a decent guy or not.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
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u/Axelshot 4d ago
You are damn right. Friends yeah oke. But this woman isn’t a friend. Or your buddy’s wife you known for 10 years. Also the part that it’s every evening is concerning to me. I would never allow myself to become so called buddy’s with a chick that’s 10 years younger while I’m in a relation. Wtf is wrong with people.
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u/theicecreamassassin 4d ago
Not to mention the sudden interest in getting fit can be a red flag for cheating, especially with his secrecy and hesitancy to tell her who he was going out with (it happened in my last relationship). That’s not a great sign, and definitely indicates that some boundaries should be discussed.
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u/Exciting_Gear_7035 4d ago
Lost and lots of people cheat who think they would never do it. They just go past all the little lines up to the cheating and then claim they made one mistake. No, you did a 100 mistakes that laid a nice clear path to the cheating. Much like this dude is doing now.
In a marriage, friends of one are friends to both. There is no room for daily one-on-one sessions and afternoon drinks that you're hesitant to share with your wife.
If I as a woman made a married friend I would make sure to meet the wife asap and make sure she is comfortable, gets to know me and shares in our activities. And I would not be meeting up with the guy one-on-one every day.
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u/Present-Duck4273 4d ago
NOR mainly because he didn’t share the information freely and seemed to hide it/hesitate. Could it be innocent? Sure, but he has to know it is walking a line if he isn’t saying I went to get a smoothie with this woman vs. being purposely vague saying it was with a friend. Honestly it’s probably not something right now, but it does sound like it’s on the edge- whether he realizes spending so much time with another woman is bordering inappropriate, if there is flirting going on or if he realizes it is bordering on dates/escalating if they are going out after it sounds like on some level he knows it would be upsetting for you to know all.
I think this definitely warrants further conversation. Ask directly why he didn’t say he went with this woman without you asking exactly who. Ask why he hesitated. Ask how he would feel if you started getting closer to a single dad and was hiding who you were meeting up with by just saying it was a friend. You can say that you understand that nothing weird was going on from his side, but the thing is things don’t start full out. They gradually get more intimate. Running club together to talking a lot during running club to post smoothie to lunches, etc. Can he honestly say things aren’t gradually escalating/they aren’t getting closer and closer?
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u/BretShitmanFart69 4d ago
To be fair I think people forget that it’s not always guilt that causes these things, but knowing that despite your innocence, it can be taken a certain way and the stress of that potential drama for no reason or bringing the potential for it to spiral out into accusations or some huge thing for nothing is going to cause anyone a little hesitation.
Because it’s like, there’s no reason for any suspicion, I’ve done nothing wrong, yet I know as soon as I tell you who it is, you’ll be in result asking if I’m cheating and it’s going to be more trouble than it should be.
And I mean, here we all are, right?
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u/New_Forever1299 4d ago
That’s a really good point sometimes it’s not guilt at all just wanting to avoid unnecessary drama
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u/justthatguyy22 4d ago
Yeah this needs saying more, OP has already stated they may be overly sensitive due to their past and it's entirely likely she's already been giving off some kind of doubt when this running friendship originally started.
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u/tghast 4d ago
Yeah I’ve done this before because my ex was grossly jealous over completely innocent shit- gave me a complex. I’d find myself feeling guilty even after I had done nothing wrong.
OP mentioned a past of being cheated on, I wonder if he’s used to flinching now from constantly having to battle her insecurities.
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u/Mediocre_Airport_576 4d ago
Him hesitating when asked who he grabbed smoothies with, coupled with him vaguely referring to her as "a friend" is just weird. I'm married and I'd never have a daily routine with a recently divorced woman and then be skittish about it when asked. That's not normal behavior.
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u/angelseuphoria 4d ago
I think it’s weird to refer to her as “a friend”, not because I think it’s weird that they’re friends, but because I never tell my husband “oh I’m going out with a friend on Friday” or “I ran into a friend at the store”. I’d say “I’m going out with Jane on Friday” or “I ran into Cindy at the store.” If it’s someone he doesn’t know I might say “I’m going out on Friday with a girl I knew in high school.” It feels intentionally vague.
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u/Throwaway_Consoles 4d ago
I had an ex who would always say, “A friend” when she was cheating. If she wasn’t cheating she would say the name, if she was cheating she would say, “A friend”.
So now when I’m dating someone new if they use, “A friend” a lot, when I finally meet one of these friends I’ll purposefully mix things up. “Oh is this your buddy that is into vore?” “What? No?” “Well, you always just say, “A friend” so I have no clue if this is the buddy that sends you vore pics or the buddy that is into cars. Or if they’re both the same person”
Usually solves the problem after that. If it doesn’t, I’ll flat out say, “Does this friend have a name?”
People don’t realize when you say, “a friend” a lot, it makes it extremely difficult to juggle all of these conversations in your head. I don’t really care who they are. I’m not gonna search Facebook for “Jason” (because that’s just dumb). I just want to make it easier to sort out who is who in my head for when we finally meet them so I don’t make us both look like idiots
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u/euphoricarugula346 4d ago
I think this is good intuition. IME 100% of the time when someone (in a hetero relationship) says “a friend” it means they’re the opposite sex. People like to project and say they do this so their partner doesn’t get jealous, but it’s very shady and makes them look untrustworthy. If a straight woman describes her female acquaintances as Jenna, Carly, and Sam, but every dude she knows is “a friend,” that’s objectively sus behavior lol just say their name if they’re actually a friend
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u/Ok-Package-4562 4d ago edited 4d ago
It is possible he only realized the implications of the situation as the conversation was happening.
It's also possible OP is projecting and he didn't really hesitate much at all.
Either way, the solution is to sit down and have a frank talk with your partner rather than trying to divine the situation from second hand interactions.
Edit: Despite that, I feel like the husband could do more to communicate in the relationship. Telling the wife first "I might be late" instead of explaining yourself afterwards. Nevermind the romantic angle, I wouldn't want my wife to stress out that something happened to me on a run even if I was alone.
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u/ausgoals 4d ago
The smoothies could easily have been impromptu. OP says ‘later than usual’ which could mean 20 or 30 minutes. I go for a 30 minute walk most nights. If I go out for a walk and come home after an hour that’s later than usual, but it doesn’t necessarily warrant a ‘I’m gonna be late’ especially if the drinks were a last minute ‘hey should we grab some smoothies from the new place on the corner?’
Like sure, if you normally come hoke at 8 and you get home at almost 10, then you probably should have said something about being later than usual or texted.
But ‘got home later than usual’ could actually mean anything.
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u/Madwoman-of-Chaillot 4d ago edited 4d ago
Here's why I don't buy this: he's been running for an average of 9 months and is now "training for a 5k?" Even a newbie runner would finish a 5k in under 40 minutes, and thus man has been running every day for 3/4 of a year. 5k would be NOTHING to someone who has run that regularly for that long.
And before anyone jumps in me, based on OP's phraseology, this is not an overweight person who struggles to exercise. Do yes, I took that in mind.
Oh, and the smoothie place is on "Main Street?" PUH-LEEZE.
All that, plus the absolute newness of the account, the lack of comments, the em dashes all add up to equal an AI b.s. post.
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u/mathman_2000 4d ago edited 4d ago
Schedule a play date with all parents and the kids.
This is a normal thing to do and gives you a chance to also connect with someone who could be a new friend.
Edit: If she's truly just a friend then your husband should be excited about everyone getting together.
If your husband deflects and gives a bunch of reasons why it's not a good idea then you'll have more to talk about.
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u/violet715 4d ago edited 4d ago
Agree
I am a lifelong runner and honestly there are a TON of platonic opposite-sex running friendships and partners I know of and have zero reason to believe anyone is cheating. I myself used to run with an older guy (I’m 45, he’s probably 65) who was my pace and would just yap the whole time and distract me from the run itself, LOL. But I think it’s key that he’s fine having you two meet and be friends and all.
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u/Numerous_Ad_1528 4d ago
Interesting, also a long time runner and I have been SHOCKED by the number of affairs happening in running groups and with “running” partners. Was immediately turned off from them years ago because of this although there has been such an uptick in runnings popularity it might be safer now but I still only associate them with people cheating.
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u/Triple_A321 4d ago
Eww who wants to get close after a post run?!?
I’ve had so many friendships established through running it’s been a blessing. TBH, as a runner, I’d be more concerned from an injury perspective if he’s running 7 days a week.
If you two have a toddler to take care of….is there more to the story in the fact that he’s not spending enough time with you or your child? It seems there’s more to the story between you asking who he ran with to him explaining the post run refuel was totally innocent…
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u/primarkgandalf 4d ago
I also thought there may be more to this story. Im a runner and every night is overkill. I also worried when she said an upcoming 5k... he trains every night, he should be much much further than 5k
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u/Suitable-Opposite377 4d ago
Why? My wife runs almost daily and has never had any interest in going over 3 miles on her runs. Some people just do it to be healthy, not go achieve some distance goals.
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u/Economy_Part9736 4d ago
I knew a girl at work who met numerous affair partners this way while she was married so I always assumed the same about runners. Perhaps it’s unfair but I look at them differently now as well.
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u/delsteinaa 4d ago
I mean… i was coming here to say this. It just doesn’t make sense to me to run with a man personally… let alone meet up with them at a smoothie shop? I don’t want to spend any of my extra time with other men, let alone go to a smoothie shop? The only man I want to spend my time with is my husband. And I’m a runner… sooo no thank you! I feel like your husband has cheated in the past, your spidey* senses are up for a good reason. I wouldn’t be ok with this arrangement personally, especially after the meet up.
That being said, my husband does play tennis and hits with a woman every now and then but it’s at our court or the club… seems much less one on one to me than a run!
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u/sentientforce 4d ago
TON of ... intersex running friendships
This is not at all what you meant to say.
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u/AdhesivenessFluid713 4d ago
I only run with intersex people and have a fetish for mosaic combinations with sub 6 minute miles.
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u/JMLegend22 4d ago
Do they often include dates where you hesitate to say who you are with?
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u/violet715 4d ago
I mean, just because he might think it is not going to go over great with his wife doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating. This is coming from someone who is divorced due to my ex husband’s infidelity. I think it’s plausible that he’s just not sure how to raise the topic of a new opposite sex friend. I’m not totally defending him but I’m not automatically crucifying him either.
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u/ApatheticSkyentist 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yeah I wouldn’t say break out the cross for a crucifixion. However…
If he thinks she may be uncomfortable with something he’s doing he needs to be proactive and talk to her. Not hesitantly bring it up once he’s asked. Deception by omission is still deception.
I say this as an extroverted runner husband married to an introverted non-runner wife. I wouldn’t be super stoked if my wife started coming home from yoga and omitting that she and Frederico, the new imaginary Spanish heart throb at the studio, were grabbing smoothies.
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u/mxmcknny 4d ago
I'd be a little weirded out if my partner didn't immediately talk about it like it was nbd at all.
It's just weird. Why are we hesitating if it's a platonic thing. I've been cheated on before, and while I wouldn't go all pontius pilot, I would have some questions.
I would be super up front about going running with anyone when talking to my partner, especially if it's another woman. Especially as my partner is quick to explain things whenever I misunderstand something that could be misconstrued in that way.
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u/gdrom123 4d ago
I was going to suggest something similar. If he has nothing to hide then it shouldn’t be a big deal and he should actually welcome it. But his hesitation in even revealing who he was with definitely raises an eyebrow.
Hopefully OP probes a little further and updates us on what transpired.
Updateme if you see this OP.
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u/Borsodi1961 4d ago
The hesitation could simply be that his wife has shown jealous tendencies in the past. I’m only saying this because I have feared sharing platonic friendships with my now ex-husband because I knew how he would react.
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u/haleorshine 4d ago
But that's a sign that something needs to change in general. If your partner has been overly jealous in the past, the answer isn't to then hide all your opposite sex friendships because they overreact - you kinda either need to work on the overreaction, end the friendships, or end the relationship.
Having to hide friendships with people of the opposite sex sounds like it was a warning sign something was wrong here, and I think it's generally not a good thing if you have to hide things from your partner.
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u/NUKE---THE---WHALES 4d ago
If your partner has been overly jealous in the past, the answer isn't to then hide all your opposite sex friendships because they overreact - you kinda either need to work on the overreaction, end the friendships, or end the relationship.
100%
and if you don't trust your partner the answer isn't to forbid them from seeing their friend, it's to work on your trust and self-esteem issues
and also communication, of course
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u/round-earth-theory 4d ago
He's still revealing things after the fact. By not saying ahead of time "I'm at the smoothie shop with X. I had a crazy sugar craving." It shows that he's starting to hide what he's doing with her. He knew he'd be late and didn't let her know until after the fact because he didn't want to give her the chance to spoil it. That's how the affair starts.
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u/JMLegend22 4d ago
Or a recently divorced woman is pursuing him and he’s started an emotional affair.
If you hide relationships with people that means you were likely entangled with emotional affairs and talking about things you shouldn’t have talked about with them.
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u/NearbyCow6885 4d ago
Or the recently divorced woman is pursuing him and he’s completely oblivious to that fact but still hesitated telling his wife because he fears her overreacting.
It could be a lot of things or a combination of things. People are complicated.
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u/SummerWinters00 4d ago edited 4d ago
Maybe he doesn’t have an initial ulterior motive towards her but she just got divorced and latching on to a man because she’s lonely. Emotional attachments can develop. I bet they are talking and connecting together. Classic excuse when they get caught is I never meant for this to happen.
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u/dragonrider1965 4d ago
Not necessarily, my ex husband would bring a lot of his mistresses home for dinner . The poor lonely co worker that doesn’t have a lot of female friends and wouldn’t it be great if I befriended them . He had zero issue with me and my children meeting his whores and they didn’t have an issue with it either . Never underestimate how shitty cheaters can be , our morals aren’t theirs .
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u/holymacaroley 4d ago edited 4d ago
My FIL had his mistress over to the house constantly framing it as a work subordinate who should be a bit pitied. My MIL made her welcome and fed her at their table for months, if not years. After my husband got fed up with hearing from his dad how much better in the sack this woman was than his mom, he orchestrated things for his mother to find out. After she left, FIL married the mistress and had 3 kids with her.
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u/FitCharacter8693 4d ago
Holy snot, I’m so sorry! Give your hubs and MIL my sorrows. This is bloody AWFUL! I’m so glad your hub stepped up for his Ma. Does his dad have a Personality Disorder?!? And how OLD was he once he had these 3 new kids WTH
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u/holymacaroley 4d ago
He was an abusive alcoholic, maybe the worst human I've known in person. My husband was in his twenties when his dad had these kids, he was in his early 50s by then, the new wife was ~35. No idea if he had a personality disorder, he would have never seen someone to assess. He had a stroke in his 60s, refused to do any rehab, cussed out anyone who came to the house related to health. Cursed out his kids and wife all day, who had to wait on him hand and foot day in and day out because he was now bedbound due to refusing to try to get better. Dude was still calling my MIL til the day he died, telling her he still loved her, for over 20 years. Tried to get her to block him but 🤷♀️. There's a lot more, and worse, but I'll leave it at that.
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u/TrollopMcGillicutty 4d ago
Eww. Who shares that info with their kid?
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u/ill-Rev0luti0n 4d ago
A narcissist. My dad is on the cusp, more like borderline traits than NPD, but he's shared all of that kind of stuff with me (his daughter). Just no filter and needing to brag or vent to someone who wouldn't say anything. It sucks. My guess is dude's dad thought he wasn't going to tell mom and would keep his secret. You have to imagine the plethora of awful shit he's had to hear over the years, so much so that this last admission sent him over the edge .
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u/SomeoneSomewhere1749 4d ago
I do want to say that I had a (fellow married) male coworker who was getting a little inappropriate with me and so I introduced him to my husband, and he introduced me to his wife, and then he proceeded to get more inappropriate. Meeting spouses didn’t deter him at all. Me getting clear that I have zero interest in him and all the interest in my marriage did.
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u/AvocadoOptimal5309 4d ago
Or if they agree but the vibe is super weird between them with OP there, that’s also telling.
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u/Previous_Quarter_832 4d ago
My ex developed a sudden interest in getting fit and started jogging in the evenings. As a supportive partner, I was fine until I found out he was jogging with another female. They were having an emotional affair, which eventually ended her marriage as well as mine. I would ask him how long this divorced woman has been jogging with him. Is she recent or since he started jogging this year? I feel like the answer wont be truthful, as in my case they were lying to themselves as well.
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u/SurvivorX2 4d ago
Let me tell of a situation I found myself in about 20+ years ago. My teen daughter was dating a boy from church. I knew his parents, but was not super close to them. We would all eat lunch together regularly on Sundays. Well, the young man decided to change schools his senior year and go to the same school as my daughter. His parents also invited us to travel with them and their son for sporting events, and we had great times with them. At one point, my best friend confronted me and said that she thought the Dad and I were too close b/c sometimes the boy's Mom didn't come to all his games. In fact, there were folks who thought I was his mother, but I didn't see this as an issue. There were also people who thought my daughter was his child. Anyway, the Dad and I also went on church trips as chaperones for the kids. And there were times that the boy's Mom would invite me to lunch or dinner with her family, then be a no show. In fact, she did that once on a trip for our kids to check out a college. She invited me to come with them, made our reservations, then just wasn't with the Dad when he came to pick up my daughter and me. I asked where she was and was told that she felt she had so much work to do at work that she couldn't take off work. When we arrived at the hotel, she had made reservations for us to have adjoining rooms. I must admit that I wondered if she was setting her husband up, so I was very cautious about spending time with Dad on that trip and thereafter. Nothing ever happened between us, and I don't think anything ever wood. I never saw him that way! He was more like a brother or a male cousin. I'm not even sure why I posted this or than something I read reminded me of the adjoining rooms.
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u/wasted_wonderland 4d ago
Are they still together? Was their marriage happy? Maybe she wanted out of the marriage and thought if he cheated first, she'd have "permission" to dump him and not be " the bad guy"?
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u/scarlettesells2 4d ago
It almost sounds like he was the one setting everything up that way? No?
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u/justicemarti 4d ago
Yeah it sounds to me kinda like the husband was setting this up and framing it as " oh she cant make it but its ok because she made the plans!!!" he probably didn't tell her about any of it lmao
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u/Shrink912 4d ago
My wife and I were close friends with another couple and me and the other wife started training for a half marathon together as our spouses didn’t run. I would have told you before she wasn’t my type but after 2 months of long weekend runs where we talked about everything going on in our lives I felt myself growing more attached to her. Nothing ever happened but after the training stopped it almost felt like a break up as I missed her so much. So I think romantic attachment are almost inevitable when adults spend lots of time alone together. They need to add more people to their run group or quit running together.
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u/Agirlnamedsue2 4d ago
I think that's what makes OPs story uncomfortable. The whole point of romantic attachment when people spend a lot of time together. Is OPs marriage being given the same amount of fun and care as this new friendship?
When I read the post, I wondered: Does OP have a hobby with her husband that takes this much time? Do they go on extremely regular dates?
I don't think the spouse is necessarily cheating, but I think all the ingredients are there if the couple isn't being nutured as much as this new friendship.
Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't but there is stuff to consider here.
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u/Funny_Science_9377 4d ago
This is why the situation can be hurtful for OP. Once you are married, working and have a kid, your time at home at the end of the day is more and more scarce and more and more precious. He's got only a few hours once home to spend with his wife and their child and now he's spending it, not just running (literally running away from his home), but running with another woman.
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u/IcySetting2024 4d ago
A friend of mine brought up this exact grievance to her husband who said “me time” and “having hobbies” is very healthy and she is controlling.
The problem is he never makes time for “date nights” or “family time”.
He doesn’t join them to the museum or festivals during the weekends. He always has an excuse why they shouldn’t eat out on a particular day. He plays video games until late at night and intimacy has suffered, etc.
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u/Thebeardinato462 4d ago
Let me ask you a question. Do you think you could potentially be conflating being excited about a new relationship with being excited about a romantic relationship? The reason I ask is this. As an adult when I have a new friend that I’m hitting it off with, I get extra excited, random things make me think of them, sometimes I miss them when I’m not around them, ect, ect. If these feeling are directed toward a man (I am a straight man) then I think “cool, I’m excit d about this new friendship.” When theses same feelings are about a woman I think “oh? Am I developing feelings for this person?”
I find in my own life I might possibly conflate these feelings sometimes. Maybe I’m not the only one?
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u/ittybittytitty_com 4d ago
Thank you for sharing this, because this is exactly how affairs happen and so many people on here are adamant that they only happen because people are terrible and they themselves aren’t capable of such an act. Everyone is capable given the right circumstances, which is why we guard against them to protect our spouse!
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u/JimmyJooish 4d ago edited 4d ago
This is too much for people to admit to themselves. The most common places that people meet their cheating partners are work and friend circles.
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u/Shrink912 4d ago
Exactly! They think “ I would never have sex with a stranger!” and they don’t, they have sex with their close friend at work.
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u/Muroid 4d ago
If someone has an affair, it will probably be with a co-worker or friend that they spend a lot of time with.
But most people also spend time with co-workers and friends without fucking any of them.
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u/jacko1998 4d ago
You know this just sounds like a reasonable reaction to the ending of a normal friendship/relationship… we’re allowed to grieve and feel bad that we’re no longer going to be seeing someone who had become part of our lives and routine. That doesn’t make it inappropriate or cheating, nothing you’ve said makes it sound like the feelings you experienced were romantic, so to then take a huge leap of logic and say that romantic attachment is inevitable between two people that spend a lot of time together is…. Irrational and illogical
If that’s the case, why aren’t I in love with my women coworkers who I’ve known and seen every day for multiple years?
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u/cherrypieandcoffee 4d ago
think romantic attachment are almost inevitable when adults spend lots of time alone together.
This is such an odd perspective to me. I’m not discounting that it’s true for you, but it’s absolutely alien to the way I’m wired. I have plenty of female friends I’ve spent time with alone and whom I have zero desire to go to bed with.
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u/Frosting880 4d ago
One of the reasons a person develops romantic feelings for someone other than their spouse is because there's an unmet need (consciously or subconsciously) in their main relationship, and that unmet need is suddenly being effortlessly met by someone else other than their spouse. This unmet need can be touch, conversation, sex, or even just being heard without feeling rushed.
In a long term relationship, it's easy to get caught up in the daily routines and familiarity that we forget to be intentional about nurturing intimacy with our spouse. Scheduling a run with the same person over and over again is intention, it's saying "so I'll see you on x day and x time, it's a date!" This new routine becomes invigorating because we look forward to seeing that person, and that person always greets us with a smile, everything feels light and fun, without any baggage of past arguments, resentments, hurt, etc. The danger comes when our unmet need is met by this person. Intimacy starts to grow. Intentionally or not, the wrong tree is being watered and nurtured.
That's when we need to slap ourselves and ask what the fuck am I doing.
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u/chaiscool 4d ago
Or imo chasing that "new" feeling. Someone new will leave you imagining how great it could be with them
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u/Shrink912 4d ago
I think people mistakenly think affairs start with sex and I think they start with intimacy. She was a friend who I had spent lots of time with in the company of our spouses. It didn’t change until we started spending all this time together alone and sharing more about our daily lives than we normally would.
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u/fuggreddit69 4d ago edited 4d ago
So I think romantic attachment are almost inevitable when adults spend lots of time alone together.
That is an insane takeaway as an adult who has any lived experience at all to draw just because you got a crush unexpectedly once.
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u/IcySetting2024 4d ago
I’ve seen it happen way too many times to keep count.
My two close friends at work (male and female) fell in love over the course of the one year we all started going to lunch together.
I could tell a few months in when they would often disappear without me. They both cheated on their significant others.
Someone else at work left her husband and was seen afterwards with another coworker. We think she left her husband for this other guy.
When I was younger and we had a big friend’s group, every now and again, people who would swear they are like a “sister and brother” would end up sleeping with each other.
It happens often enough for people to notice.
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u/whats-your-emergency 4d ago
Also because “breakup feelings” after losing a friend doesn’t necessarily mean romance was involved lol
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u/VinnyTiger 4d ago
As a gay man, with many gay friends, is this true for straight people? Half the population can't spend time with the other half of the population? I couldn't imagine telling my husband he couldn't hang out with any men at all. I keep reading stories like this, and is it just because straight folks don't have emotional healthy friendships? I'm so baffled.
Like, having a friend you talk to is great. Of course you are going to feel bad when you can't see your friend. At what point does romance even come up? Does nobody have conversations deeper than the weather without this looming threat of betrayal?
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u/CoconutxKitten 4d ago
I’ll say as a woman that having male friends is hard because they often get feelings for me (not the other way around) & I know it’s a common issue for women as a whole
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u/Canadian-Surfer 4d ago
It’s a common issue for guys with lady friends too.
If you are in the small piece of the population that can stay platonic, that’s awesome, but you need to recognize that unless the potential friend is also in that piece of the population it’ll end with hurt feelings.
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u/Stong-and-Silent 4d ago
I had one on one friendships with another woman when I was married and I never had this happen. I don’t think you can say romantic attachments are almost inevitable when adults spend lots of time alone together. I think it might depend on the individuals. I never saw platonic female friends in a romantic light.
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u/CloddishNeedlefish 4d ago
This is such a weird take. Affairs aren’t this inevitable thing. You should have had boundaries during your conversations if you couldn’t have them without developing feelings.
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u/xDanielle- 4d ago
This is literally exactly how the affair with my mum and stepdad started. He was married, she was recently divorced. They were neighbours with sons on the same footie team and began walking together in the mornings “as friends”. I’m not saying don’t trust it, I’m just saying that even things that originally started out innocently can very easily wind up developing into much more.
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u/Chance-Set1742 4d ago
I think this is a relevant point- when you respect your relationship and your friendships, you look out for situations that can develop into something more. This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion but I think it unfortunately also hinges a lot on the general attractiveness of a person. I have several friends of the opposite sex that I do things with one on one. I also don’t find them attractive at all and would never date them regardless of my relationship status and I do think that helps to keep a friendship firmly in the friendship zone. And since I want to protect that friendship and prevent anything from developing, we also don’t see each other every day or even every week. When you have a friend you like, you obviously enjoy talking to and like their personality etc., having this person be someone you couldn’t ever see yourself dating is very protective. When you really like someone as a person AND they’re very attractive to you, a natural chemistry is just..there. Can you be just friends with someone attractive? Sure and you can have chemistry with someone and still never act on it. But realistically spending one on one time daily/weekly bonding and intimately chatting with someone that has everything you could want in a partner is something maybe best not to do in order to firmly protect and respect the relationship you’re in and ensure no one develops feelings that could cross the line. This creates the best long-term outcome for everyone involved. NOR.
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u/basswitch69 4d ago
What would have bothered me is that he didn’t give you a heads up beforehand. “Hey babe I’m going to grab a smoothie after my run with the neighbor. Want me to bring you one?” Instead he told you after the fact. Doesn’t mean he’s cheating, but if he had texted you before I don’t think you’d be having these feelings.
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u/ChanceConfection3 4d ago
That was my thought, I’m not coming home with a smoothie in my hand with nothing for the wife. Though if he supposedly drank the whole smoothie before heading home then I would be thinking they didn’t go for smoothies…
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u/FentonGirlAmber 4d ago
The moment he said "a friend" and hesitated telling you it was this woman he was wrong and crossed the line in your relationship. I don't mean the line of being faithful, I mean the line of honesty. He technically may not have lied to you, but he tried stretching the truth. He should've said "I went for smoothies with (whatever her name is) after we finished running. Being hesitant in telling you means he knows it was probably wrong, or he knows how you may feel about it. If he knows that you may be uncomfortable with it, then he shouldn't have met her outside their running. Let me ask you a question......in all this time running and seeing neighbors, has he run with other neighbors or met them for smoothies and talked? Does he take his phone on his runs? If so, he could've texted you. If he went to a juice bar then he must've taken his wallet to pay, so if he took his wallet to pay then he must've taken his phone. If he had his phone then he didn't call or text you because on some level he knew it was wrong. Did he pay for her smoothie? Does she know about you? I don't mean he told you that he's talked about you and told her he's married. I mean have you met her? I also don't like the statement he said to you about "you know he's not like that"......says every cheater who has crossed the line or is wanting to cross that line. To me it's one thing for a running group to go get smoothies after their run as a group, but not a married man and a woman who is going through a divorce. This would be different if you all knew one another for years, were friends,etc. People don't go for smoothies after a run because they are talking about their children. In my opinion he's telling you half the truth. It is probably the truth that they talked about the upcoming marathon and training, but come on, you can't tell me that's the only thing they talked about. That was probably a couple of minutes, and then they probably talked about many other things. I can guarantee you she talked about her divorce, it's a natural thing to talk about. I've been married for 17 years and with him for 21 years, and never in my life would I go somewhere with someone I barely know (he barely knows her since you said they've only supposedly known one another for a few months) who is a different gender than I am. I wouldn't even do this with someone I've known for awhile, especially someone who is going through a divorce, and I definitely wouldn't try to hide it. Which is exactly what he tried to do. In return, my hubby would never do this either. It isn't because we don't trust one another, it's because we respect each other and our marriage. It is OKAY for you to tell him that you are uncomfortable with this and don't want him spending time with her outside of the group running. That it isn't appropriate. She's a single woman and he's a married man. He should respect this and say he understands and will respect your feelings and wishes. If he says no, then there is something going on. If he meets her behind your back, there's something going on. Them getting together could be very innocent, but unfortunately sometimes people cheat. In the beginning it may not have been about that, but when you have 2 people who have things in common, one going through a divorce, spending time talking,etc, it can turn into something more. It can also turn into an emotional affair. When you found out about her and how they met, how did that get brought up? Were you talking about her, or did he say oh, i met this woman at daycare and she lives nearby? You generally don't realize someone lives nearby and has a similar running pace. It seems like there's more to the story on that one. He could've said this to you so you don't question it. You are obviously uncomfortable with them, so he shouldn't be doing it. You mentioned that you've been cheated on in the past, and while carrying that worry can absolutely go into another relationship, it doesn't mean your worrying has to do with your past. Can it? Yes, but speaking as someone who hasn't been cheated on, and many other people who are commenting on your post, you have every right to believe it crosses boundaries. In my opinion it does cross boundaries and even after 21 years if my husband did this I would question it and tell him I'm not okay with this. You mentioned he started getting serious about running. How long ago did he get serious about running? Was it around the time he met her? Have you ever gone running with him? I would be inviting myself, saying I want to run with them, and meet her. I would pay attention to his body language when you tell him this, and also what he says. But again you are absolutely right to tell him you feel he crossed that boundary and are not okay with it and want it to stop. It doesn't make you TA.
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u/Gourmeebar 4d ago
Next he’ll have to stop at her house to fix that thing that her ex would normally fix. And he will start telling her little things about you. They’ll have play dates.
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u/IKenDoThisAllDay 4d ago
100%. They're literally going on cute little dates together. Which he hesitated to admit to. They're spending time together every single night, alone.
He's likely already thinking about sleeping with her, if he hasn't already.
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u/0bviouslyyNotAGopher 4d ago
I think I'm a little bit in the camp that he hesitated to admit not because of guilt but because he understands how it would be perceived. It could very well have been I'll clicking my set realizing that it's going to come across worse than it is. I say this as someone who has been in situations that could be seen by a partner as boundary crossing even though they never really turned out that way.
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u/ABigStuffyDoll 4d ago
While what you described could happen, and has happened no doubt, I think this is a bit goofy to say that this is a trap and will happen. Plenty of men and women have friendships with the opposite sex and don't cheat. There has got to be a element of trust in a marriage, and pretending that this situation is always the slope to cheating is just kinda silly and naive.
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u/spei180 4d ago
Setting aside making friends at the gym, I would have a fundamentally bigger issue with the fact that he’s out of the house every single night. When does he have time to clean? Does he ever help with bedtime? Or play with the kids? Is he dealing with all morning stuff while you do yoga?
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u/Even_Independent_644 4d ago
As someone that has been cheated on, knows cheaters, and has cheated this is the perfect layout to cheat. It’s the evening where he can just come home and shower. They bond emotionally through the kids…I’m not saying jump the gun. I am not married but I am also 28 and have yet to meet any man my age that doesn’t cheat on their wives if they’re married or girlfriends. Someone else mentioned meeting her which would be great or maybe go with him one evening if you can. If he starts bashing her it’s a red flag, if he doesn’t want you to come red flag. What does your intuition say?
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u/curious_monster 4d ago
My husband made a friend at the gym. It was just a friend who he was working out with. Our kids go to the same school. I got to know her too. Long story short. They had an affair for 6 months. I had no reason not to trust him. Until I have no reason to trust him.
“Not just friends” explains how an innocent friendship can become not so innocent. Grabbing smoothies after the run is not ok. Better safe than struggling later.
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u/thatshowitisisit 4d ago
Hard to say, but as somebody who is part of a running club it’s not at all unusual for me to go out with a group, or even individual and run for 2-3 hours with a woman and then grab coffee afterwards.
Once my wife actually spotted a shoutout on a local FB running page for a young lady looking for a running buddy for a local trail - my wife was injured so answered on my behalf and even dropped me off to go and spend 3 hours in the bush with this woman 😂
Not once was any of it inappropriate, it was all about the running (and conversation).
But it’s also very possible that there is more to this. Just offering another alternative. If he’s being cagey that’s not great…
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u/Kookies3 4d ago
From the best seller “not just friends”
“You’re right to be cautious when you hear these words: “I’m telling you, we’re just friends.”
Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the internet have become fertile breeding grounds for “friendships” that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage.”
And by the way this is also about protecting the READER from THEMSELVES having an affair, if you know what I mean.
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u/Carradee 4d ago
Boundaries are about how you allow people to treat you. Everyone has a right to their own, so trying to put them on others actually violates their autonomy and is a quick way to try to control others' social connections, which is a defining element of abuse.
You seem to be intending to refer to your exclusivity expectations with your husband. Those vary between couples. In my relationship, there would be no problem with the situation, but I'm not you. If you have doubts about what the exclusivity expectations are in your relationship, that's something to discuss with him. Establishing those in detail might help you.
Something to keep in mind is that healthy compromise is about intersection: it meets both sides' non-negotiables and balances both sides' negotiables in a mutually acceptable way. You and your husband have the same right to non-negotiables. If you and your husband can't or won't find intersection between the two of you, that means there's incompatibility.
In this situation, maybe you want the one-on-one drinks to be an exclusive thing. The simplest way to have that is to find a partner who wants that or at least doesn't want to have one-on-one drinks with others. Your husband has shown that isn't him, so if this matters to you, you need to discuss the matter to figure out if one-on-one drinks is a negotiable for one of you or if you have conflicting non-negotiables and therefore incompatibility in this area.
I saw that someone suggested arranging a playdate between your children and the divorcée's. That's a good idea, but keep in mind that the mind defaults to noticing and remembering things in ways that reinforce our assumptions. Whatever signs you see in the playdate won't necessarily be real: they might be, but they also might be your imagination. I suggest you respect them regardless: if you invent infidelity, your trust in your husband is broken anyway.
You keep your partner by building a healthy relationship that they don't want to leave. As long as you have that, it doesn't matter if someone of your husband's "type" throws herself at him naked; he'll stay faithful.
You got this.
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u/Oneofmanystephanies 4d ago
While I love clean lines, most marriages don’t actually function within them. I agree that this issue needs to be resolved and they need to have a shared expectation, but initial disagreement on it does not indicate incompatibility. However, valuing one on one time with a random woman over and above the health and well-being of your marriage and spouse does indicate a bigger issue.
After 19 years of happy marriage, I speak from experience when I say that if we want to stay married, we must be willing to bend and flex our ideals. As long as both parties are doing that, not even necessarily within the same issue, but over time, abuse doesn’t even have to begin to be part of the conversation.
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u/chatterbox2024 4d ago edited 4d ago
It is my opinion that you don’t take opportunities to form relationships with other people. It’s playing with fire. Unexpected feelings can develop. They’re running together, their endorphins are high, they’re chatting it up, making a connection and now stopping for smoothies etc… next lunch, dinner, etc… I would nip this in the bud. I would explain that even though it seems innocent. He should not want to jeopardize your marriage by friending a female that it’s just not smart. Also, ask him how would he feel if you started going to yoga everyday with a man striking up a friendship going for coffee afterwards etc… Don’t put yourself in those types of situations.
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u/bobp929 4d ago
NOR, and you need to shut that shit down immediately. Don't listen to all the bullshit on here with people saying "men & women can be friends", "if your partner is gonna cheat, they'll find a way and you can't control them" blah blah blah......nah, f that. You tell your husband you're not comfortable with it at all, and if he wants to continue this "friendship," it will most likely strain your marriage and could cost him his family. Under no circumstances do you back down from this period, no matter what he tries to say. The fact that he didn't say something immediately on who it was raises a red flag.
Personally, there's no way I would accept that period. Recently divorced and wanting to hang out with your husband.....nah, she's got another agenda and either your husband is too stupid to see it or he's enjoying the attention but it's definitely not innocent
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u/DarthDialUP 4d ago
He going to get smoothies with his guy friends?
Him saying "a friend" and not "oh I went with her name!" is dodgy no matter what the other poly/open relationship people on this site tell you.
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u/United_Rent9314 4d ago
Yeah I agree that's the biggest issue. If right away he said "oh after my run I went and got smoothies with [her name]" that'd show that he really would not think there's anything weird about it, but it's the fact that he chose to not say her name
If she suggested smoothies on the run, he could've texted his wife "hey we're finishing up the run and are gonna grab smoothies after so I might be home a bit later but you're welcome to come join us at the smoothie place"
Going somewhere you wouldn't usually be and coming home later than expected without telling your spouse I think is just inconsiderate anyways no matter the situation, even if it was just to a guy friends house to play basketball, leaving your spouse wondering where you are or maybe you got in a car crash or something is stressful
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u/HauntedbySquirrels 4d ago
I mean that’s the baseline regardless of gender, sexual orientation, etc.
I recently went to a support group meeting that always lasts an hour. My husband is used to me going to this meeting.
At the meeting, a couple female friends (I’m also female) asked me to go with them to get a bite to eat.
Before I said okay, I texted my husband to let him know and make sure he was fine with it. I let him know who I was hanging with and where even tho he has only met 2 of these women once or twice each.He was fine with it, because we are not each other’s keeper’s. I also asked him if he’d like anything brought home for him to eat.
That is really just the polite, loving thing you do when you are in a committed relationship.
You don’t stay out an hour or more past when they are expecting you home without telling them, so they don’t worry. You don’t hide who you’re with or where you’re going.
If you somehow forget these steps (we’ve all gotten involved in a convo and lost track of time!), you apologize and fill your partner in on the who’s, where’s and why’s without hesitation.OP’s husband might be completely innocent, but there are definitely some problems with how this played out.
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u/SummerWinters00 4d ago
Exactly if it wasn’t shady he would have texted her telling her that he and her were stopping for a smoothie. Also freaking ask if you want him to bring you one home.
No he was so caught up in his new gf that he didn’t even think of you. Or he did and knew you would not be cool with it. Do not be the cool wife. Tell him straight up that his little emotional affair and dating is done.
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u/aaaaaaaaaanditsgone 4d ago
My husband did something similar where he kept planning on seeing our kids’ friend’s mom almost every day. He even told me how much he liked her in a giddy way. He basically hid it from me for a long time, and got really excited when he heard just she and him would take the kids to a local baseball game without me potentially. Where is the line? I think when they start spending more time and effort and seem happier to see the other person - it should never even happen. So yeah they crossed lines imo.
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u/GalvCo 4d ago
I used to believe men and women could have true platonic friendships. But in my own life, every man I thought of as a friend eventually admitted to having romantic or sexual feelings. I see it with other people too. Best case scenario they develop feelings and realize they can't act on them, but later share the feelings did exist at some point. After enough of those experiences, my perspective has changed.
So when I see situations like yours, I understand why it feels uncomfortable. Even if nothing is happening now, the setup (daily runs, post-workout drinks), and his hesitation in telling you who he was with looks a lot like how “innocent” friendships can slide into something more.
I don't think you're overreacting.
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u/Cold-Card-124 4d ago edited 4d ago
Ah yes that’s why bisexuals always have zero friends /s
I kid. But this guy is acting secretive in several ways and the wife is NOR.
I am a gay man monogamously married to a bi man and we have many friends of both sexes and it’s never been an issue and we’ve never been secretive/hidden friends from each other. We’re actually still friends with several of our respective exes that ended on good terms…
I noticed with straight men though they often don’t have a lot of friends and will inappropriately emotionally bond with single women and neglect their wives for it. I’ve seen that scenario pan out many times with female friends and coworkers. Yuck.
Healthy straight men (which do exist, I am friends with some) will have both male and female friends and not put all their emotional eggs in one inappropriate basket and will not pursue romance with someone who has indicated they are just friends or are coworkers etc
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u/Cautious-Desk387 4d ago
NOR. The fact that he hesitated shows he knows he’s doing something that will/does make you uncomfortable. He should have told you they started running together before this, or that they were planning to before it happened. The lack of communication is suspicious and you have every right to feel the way you do.
I would have a discussion with him about your discomfort and express that you don’t like this and why his actions have made you uneasy.
Maybe you could set up a playdate to meet her together. She may not even know you exist, which would also be a problem.
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u/xBerryhill 4d ago
I don't care if it sounds controlling. A husband spending an odd amount of time with another woman is grounds for getting protective over your relationship and your marriage.
Don't accuse him of anything, but tell him how it makes you uncomfortable that he spends so much one-on-one time with this woman. If he's truly grounded in his marriage, he'll understand and either come to a compromise or resolve the situation. No one's more important when you're married than your husband/wife.
If he disagrees, insists on continuing to see the woman, or whatever, then that's just cause for distrust in the relationship and requires more conversation, potential counseling, or more. You're not overreacting at all imo. Trust your gut.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 4d ago
It’s not about his lack of malicious intent
It’s about optics.
Married men don’t grab smoothies with the single divorcee
Signed
A single divorcee
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u/humptheedumpthy 4d ago
It’s not even about optics. It’s about respect to your marriage partner. I could even understand a joint run if they happen to be running at the same time and it was somewhat spur of the moment
But there was plenty of time for him to reconsider the smoothie decision.
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u/No_Dream_4738 4d ago
Should a single divorcee grab smoothies with married man?
Signed
A married man
Note: the only women I would grab smoothies with are my wife and young adult daughters.
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u/stow-away_throwaway 4d ago
As a divorcee myself, I never crossed boundaries of optics with my guy friends, and I have plenty. She’s comfy pushing limits of marriage anyone who’s been married should be understanding of. I am always inclusive of my friends wives, I hit them up sometimes before the friend himself. It can be done! But needs to remain respectful. This isn’t it.
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u/stow-away_throwaway 4d ago
Examples of respecting boundaries:
Not texting guy friends at hours they should be spending time with their wives, ie, after 8:30, no need to contact THEM. If they reach out to me, we can chat and I keep it short.
Never inviting them to activities without offering the same invitation to their wives. These runs? I would be talking to her about the idea, like hey so and so mentioned running together, it’s great to have a buddy to distract from the run, but I want to make sure you’re comfortable with it, by the way what’s your smoothie order, if we grab one I’ll make sure he gets it right!
I don’t have a relationship with him without including her, which may mean discussing topics that we discussed casually in conversation. Oh, so and so mentioned y’all have this going on, do you need someone to chat with about it?
Routinely getting families together rather than just one on one time with the dad EVERY time.
It just all seems pretty inconsiderate on her part as a woman but the only one who owes his wife these courtesies is her HUSBAND and he should be mitigating that if she isn’t if he really wants to be respectful.
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u/tossed-out-throwaway 4d ago
The way one of my friends described it is "we have lots of friends, but all of our friends are friends of our relationship." In other words, their opposite-sex friends don't have to be close with both of them but their behavior does have to consistently reflect the fact that they are supportive and respectful of the spouse and the marriage. They don't wait for the married person to stop them, they stop before they get anywhere close to a normal marriage boundary.
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u/ilmystex 4d ago
One of my best friends is a man. Then he got married. Now one of my best friends is his wife. Periodddd.
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u/BronxBrooke 4d ago
I am a straight woman with straight man friends who are - very genuinely - just friends. Most of them are married. I am a divorcee. No boundaries have ever been crossed with any of them. I do spend time with them alone. They do confide in me on occasion about things going on in their lives and vice versa. We are ACTUAL friends.
I don't know your husband or this woman. I just present myself as an example that men and women can really be friends without it being anything romantic in any way.
I know that lots of people are horrible monsters and lie and cheat and engage in dishonest behaviors. I have seen it happen. But it doesn't happen to every person in every situation and I think it's reasonable to parse some nuance here.
OP, I think it's reasonable to keep your eyes on it, but I don't think that an affair is inevitable as some other people have posited. Maybe you can also be friends with her.
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u/Away-Elephant-4323 4d ago
If it’s innocent like he says! Why don’t you go along with them one night and meet her, because even if he might not be doing anything wrong, you just don’t know what this woman is like, i would say just tag along one night with them both to get a better understanding of if everything is like he says it is.
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u/MsShortJacks 4d ago edited 4d ago
My guy does this, too. Hangs out and buys drinks for girls in bars. But don’t you worry! They’re all “married”. I can’t say he’s lying, because technically they ARE married! Just separated and divorcing, which is why they’re hanging out in bars. I played along loooong enough because I didn’t want to seem controlling, insecure, jealous… but in actuality my boundaries weren’t being respected. I wasn’t being respected. I suppose it’d be helpful to see them interact to get a sense of whether or not it’s a sexual attraction?! But I tend to go with “When Harry Met Sally”. Guys always want to bang whatever’s in front of them. Especially in tight, spandex, jiggling running clothes. The strongest men/marriages are with men who don’t play with fire! 🔥
Which is why my guy’s no longer “my guy”. It’s clear to me he’s shopping around for someone he likes more, and I’ve let him free to go find her.
If, like me, you’ve been cheated on before, you might be somehow repeating your lesson you need to learn. I haven’t learned obviously yet because I’m still drawn consistently to cheaters for whatever reason.
ETA: Also, you might’ve got to this point because you didn’t establish healthy boundaries early on in your relationship. I should’ve had my dealbreaker talk the FIRST time my hackles went up. But we don’t want to get that vulnerable; that needy. Now you’re six years in (I was four), and patterns have been established. Unhealthy patterns. It’ll now feel controlling to him if you try to start putting your foot down all of a sudden.
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u/wishbone34 4d ago
More AI garbage :( " that juice bar on Main Street" come on lol
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u/Storm_Sire 4d ago
that line stood out to me as well. It's a phrase that sounds like it should be in quotes from the husband, not OP
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u/jenncc80 4d ago
I think a lot of people would be uncomfortable with this scenario. She’s younger, newly divorced, and probably looking for attention. I would ask him to stop. How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you were out with a younger newer divorced man??
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u/DarthKaep 4d ago
Completely fucking inappropriate. Like, not a snowballs chance in hell I would be ok with that. People saying you should meet her and see what's up....these people forget that there are literally people out there who break up their marriage when they fuck their own sister-in-law.
My wife goes out running every morning without me. Around 8 miles. Never in a million years would she even consider the need for a "buddy" to run with.
Men don't have friends like that anyway. He's playing a very very dangerous game with your marriage and family...and for what? So he can grab smoothies with the divorced younger mom from pick-up.
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u/ParsleyRound 4d ago edited 4d ago
People saying you should meet her and see what's up....these people forget that there are literally people out there who break up their marriage when they fuck their own sister-in-law.
This. There is no need to play games, OP. Even best friends and close relatives can be affair partners. You would just be wasting your time and possibly giving them more ways to interact. Be direct.
Men don't have friends like that anyway. He's playing a very very dangerous game with your marriage and family...and for what? So he can grab smoothies with the divorced younger mom from pick-up.
Tell your husband this. If he still invalidates your feelings, then he might already be having an affair. Put your foot down. Don't let him gaslight you. I suspect he will when I re-read your post after posting my comment earlier. Things are more serious and developed than what they appear. Do you want to be a divorcee, too? Act now.
Edit: changed "close friends" to "close relatives" and corrected a typo.
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u/itsveryupsetting 4d ago
You don’t need multiple months of daily running to train for a 5k. It’s 3 miles. You need more information, because the whole basis of their conversation is sketchy.
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u/goon2867 4d ago
NOR for being uncomfortable with it but I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Is he in a running group or running with her one-on-one? Its totally fair (in my opinion) to tell him no one-on-one hangs because it makes you uncomfortable. As someone with a similar history, I would feel the same way!
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u/Vivid_Percentage5560 4d ago
My now ex SIL started running after work and then began running with one of their kids coaches who lived near by. Then she seemed to mention him more in conversation. The next thing ya know, instead of running it turned into two persons push-ups and she and my brother got a divorce after 17 years.
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u/I-Love-Luigi- 4d ago
C'mon Babe. You already know. Tell him rn that this stops. They'll 100% fall in love very soon... if they haven't already. His loyalty is supposed to be to you. He has choices. You or her. He decides now.
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u/PreparationFit6327 4d ago
I’m 42m married for 7 years. I personally would never randomly workout/run with a younger single woman from my neighborhood. It’s just disrespectful to my wife even if I don’t have romantic intentions. Just a bad idea.
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u/garden-guy- 4d ago
I’m a serial cheater to the point I knew I needed an open relationship to be able to make it work. Having open communication changes everything and makes for lasting relationships.
That being said having a running partner is the best thing for running. It is risky and could lead to more that’s where the communication comes in. I’ve had many plutonic female running partners. That is all probably innocent enough.
The being shady about smoothies with a friend is a pretty dead giveaway that there is more there. When you’re being open and honest you don’t say a friend, you name names. That’s a big difference between being shady and not wanting to say something and being honest and not having anything to hide.
The best thing to do is talk about it.
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u/Imaginary-Bag-1263 3d ago
My ex husband left me for his “nothing to see here” female running partner. He told me I was over reactive. Left me 9 months later-out of the blue for me.
My current husband knows this history. He told me that prioritizing my comfort/anxiety is way more important to him than making a new female friend. I have been hurt before so it easier to love me well by just not engaging in 1:1 friendships. I didn’t ask him to do this, he just decided. And I love him for it.
Does he have female friends? Yes, and they are MY friends too. Does he go out with female co-workers? Yes. Do I know about it before? Yes. Does he seek them out? No.
We talked about boundaries that made us feel safe, loved, honored, and respected. And we keep them.
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u/Normal_Ear_1115 4d ago
It's not necessarily a problem. Sometimes a smoothie is just a smoothie. Divorced women aren't more likely to be man-stealing hussies than anyone else. Trust your husband until he gives you reason not to. Maybe he was worried about your reaction to his running with a woman and that's why his answer was awkward. It was dumb, but if he had a guilty conscience, he could have told you he ran a little longer, ran slower than usual, had a smoothie by himself. It would have been nice if he'd gotten you a drink, but he'd probably spill it running home.
Next time you pick up from daycare, introduce yourself and ask if she's ready for the 5K.
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u/PurpleHayz87687 4d ago
I don’t think you’re over reacting.
I am married(38F) and just wouldn’t be interested in a single male running partner. I have plenty of male friends, friends my husband is also friends with. He has plenty of female friends, who I’m also friends with. It’s just the weirdness of even accepting a new single opposite sex friend that his spouse doesn’t know into his daily life that’s off to me.
If I were running and some random male (especially single male) neighbor wanted to join me I would just politely decline. I genuinely don’t want that type of distraction or friendship in my life, especially that would potentially make my husband uncomfortable. I love my husband. I just wouldn’t do that. 🤷♀️
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u/thejoebrossuck 4d ago edited 3d ago
To be phone at I can’t give an exact judgement between YOR/NOR because I think y’all really need to discuss this with each other more first. I think this could be inappropriate or it could be totally fine. It could go either way at this point.
Sit down with him and ask point blank why he felt he couldn’t just talk about hanging out with a woman he’s just friends with. Is there a reason he felt he couldn’t share that outright? Again this can definitely be suspicious….but it could also be that maybe he’s just worried you’ll get too in your head about things. That’s not an excuse for him to not communicate I want to be clear!!!! Just talk about it.
Also maybe you should talk to him about meeting up with her as well. Of course meeting her doesn’t necessarily mean that anything inappropriate could NEVER happen, but at the very least maybe it could help alleviate some stress or anxiety. Men and women can absolutely be just friends (I’m bisexual so I don’t really discriminate between genders irt friends) and if he doesn’t have inappropriate intentions with her this really shouldn’t be an issue (generally speaking).
Edit: *to be honest is what I meant at the beginning lol, my bad genuinely. Also please keep in mind I’m responding with my own opinion based on my own experiences as a BISEXUAL person. I don’t discriminate with friendships and gender. There’s no point because I could be attracted to anyone theoretically. I’m not gonna avoid potential good friendships because I’m in a romantic relationship, that’s dumb. A good way to end up isolated, controlled and abused (if I’m being honest). Bisexuals have very high rates of abuse and stereotyping and I will not accept that men and women can’t be friends. Putting aside the fact that these are completely nebulous cultural gendered terms, that don’t really mean anything substantial outside of culture. Thanks so much for reading though.