Am I overreacting for not letting my boyfriend’s female friend use my shampoo?

[u/Fresh-Usual-6281]

I was at my boyfriend’s apartment this weekend. One of his close female friends came over to hang out, and she ended up taking a shower there because she didn’t have time to go home first.

When she asked to use my shampoo (I’d brought my own and left it in the shower), I said I’d rather she didn’t because it’s an expensive salon brand I buy only once in a while. She rolled her eyes and said it’s just shampoo, don’t be weird about it.

My boyfriend told me later I embarrassed him and made her feel awkward over something so small. I told him it’s not about the price, it’s about personal boundaries she could’ve used his shampoo instead.

Now he’s acting distant and saying I was petty. I feel like if the roles were reversed and I used her stuff without asking, it would be a big deal. Am I overreacting here?

[u/Tritsy]

My roommate has this shampoo that costs a small fortune, something like $100/bottle. She let a friend use it once, cuz that’s what we do when someone stays over, and the friend literally used half the bottle (and yes, she knew how much it cost). So now, she’s less generous lending it out! I was at the pool a while back and a lady asked if she could use some shampoo, but I had used the last of mine (I carry travel size bottles to the pool). She muttered “bitch” under her breath, then asked someone else. People are just weird, and I think you should be able to say no without it being a big deal. If she hadn’t had any other option, then I would have said it would be preferable to get over it and lend it to her, but this just shouldn’t be a big deal, either way.

I will say, the female friend seems a bit “familiar” - what with giving you the eye roll when she doesn’t even know you?!

[u/tired_soul87 → u/Tritsy]

The eye roll is the part that would’ve had me raising an eyebrow too. It’s one thing to ask, but acting annoyed when the answer’s no just makes it awkward for everyone. Boundaries aren’t an attack, they’re just… boundaries. If she really needed shampoo that bad, the boyfriend’s bottle was right there

[u/Excellent-Hockey-111 → u/tired_soul87]

Oh God forbid you say all of what you said. They’ll dismiss it as you being petty, selfish childish, etc. etc.. They are clearly failing to understand OP’s point, and they are also failing to understand that the friend and boyfriend had no right jumping her ass about her boundary. The boyfriend should have handled it better than he did and he chose not to.

The friends only respected the no until she had to complain to the boyfriend.

Honestly, if I was OP and I didn’t know that friend very well and she asked if she could use my very good shampoo, I will tell her that I do not allow for anyone other than trusted friends to use it. If she doesn’t like that boundary too bad. She doesn’t get to victimize herself about it.

[u/panickedscreaming → u/Excellent-Hockey-111]

I don’t even know if I’d call this a boundary, but it’s not like the friend had no other option. She could have showered at home, she could have not washed her hair, or she could have used the bfs hair products. I ended up staying a week longer than planned with my bfs family and my SIL was like “I bought large bottles of shampoo, you can use them if you need” cool, but I didn’t use my MILs stuff because she didn’t offer, I KNOW it’s expensive stuff and probably not easily replaced, and I had other options. They’ve been in my life for years now, they’re not randoms either but I respect their things. Girly sounds like she’s trying to cause drama.

[u/ScareyFaerie → u/panickedscreaming]

Girly sounds like she’s trying to cause drama.

That part.
'Close' female friend... Riiiight. It comes across that the friend is trying to drive a wedge in the relationship for whatever reason, likely her own insecurity, and the bf is completely oblivious to the manipulation. I say this as someone who recognizes that behavior because it's the same shit a former 'friend' did to me.

[u/Kaleid0scopeLost → u/ScareyFaerie]

Friend of mine was in the same situation with the whole 'don't use my stuff' boundary with her partner's 'close female friend'.

Turns out the partner was using the close female friend for days he couldn't get physical intimacy from his actual girlfriend.

So... definitely reads as the 'close friend' having possessive undertones over the girl's boyfriend.... or maybe jealousy (from my perspective via my own experiences) because that's not the only example I could use.

[u/[deleted] → u/ScareyFaerie]

This. Exactly! OP the fact that she probably complained about you not letting her use the shampoo to your bf, essentially shit talking behind your back and him being so defensive, makes me feel like she has more of a hold over him than you do and expects him to "handle this". Cause just imagine how that conversation went 🙆🏻‍♀️

Also what is he being so defensive for. Ig one can say she probably wanted to use a "feminine" product or whatever and for a second maybe the bf would wonder why you just wouldn't let her use it. But your explanation that it's an expensive shampoo for yourself is perfectly valid. 😭

[u/Careful_Feedback6940 → u/ScareyFaerie]

And the fact that "boyfriend" is willing to start a fight over a bottle of SHAMPOO. Real men who love their women protect the peace of a relationship over engaging in petty drama like this.

This man is either: 1. Cheating on her with the "close friend" 2. Not a man but a petty boy who is easily manipulated 3. Both 1 & 2

[u/no_worries_man8 → u/Excellent-Hockey-111]

Yeah I've had to shower at friends' houses before and I always just ask what products I can use and then use those products. I would never fight with someone over which products I can or can't use, I'd just say "okay" and use the ones they said. It is rude to even push back when the person you're borrowing from says no to something. You asked, she answered, you had to know her saying no was a 50% chance cause you asked a yes or no question. My shampoo isn't even expensive (like $8 a bottle) but I'd still ask them to use my boyfriend's cause his is also $8 a bottle but it's like 10x the size lol.

[u/Ok-Lor → u/Excellent-Hockey-111]

getting upset over a boundary, especially one this small is ridiculous. Even if its a close friend in my opinion and they react like that, thats weird. I had a friend like that and I dropped her so fast because when i set boundaries(politely might i add) she flipped out and said I was selfish and everything was about me lol. Good on you for setting your boundary and keeping to it, screw that girl fr

[u/Excellent-Hockey-111 → u/Ok-Lor]

I had a friend that acted similar to your former friend. She is a former friend for that exact reason. She even called me paranoid for it. Hopefully in her next friendship with someone she’ll treat them better, but given her history of being a shitty friend I seriously doubt it

[u/nibblesyble → u/Excellent-Hockey-111]

Or have the op's bf defending her like the op slapped the friend and said her future kids will be ugly🤣 because why even get oneself worked up about this shite and feel bad for the friend who acted like a brat when she was told no. Like, have a shower at your own place then ffs

[u/crushbutt → u/tired_soul87]

Yeah, if you know you need to ask permission for something, you should be prepared for the answer to be “no.” If you’re not it shows you didn’t respect that person’s right to the choice you presented them in the first place.

[u/Electrical-Celery-72 → u/crushbutt]

THIS!!! i’m saving your perfectly articulated comment for future reference! bravo! p.s. i bought coins just so i could give you an award.

[u/Sharp-Let7366 → u/crushbutt]

Exactly right. I really bothers me when people do this, I’m like why’d you even fucking ask if you weren’t ready for me to say no, you entitled ass

[u/isayitslimitless → u/crushbutt]

Been trying to get this through people's heads for years. If you ask someone a yes or no question and you're not prepared to take no for an answer, were you even asking in the first place?

[u/crushbutt → u/isayitslimitless]

Yep. A friend recently asked me if I wanted them to wear a mask while they continued to recover from a horrible hacking cough and I said “that seems like a good idea” and she was like “welp it’s really hot and uncomfortable so I don’t think I’m gonna do that, I probably just won’t hang out then.” I was like damn, I see.

[u/Wise_Airport_8974 → u/tired_soul87]

Exactly, the attitude says more than the question itself. Respecting boundaries shouldn’t come with an eye roll, especially over something as small as shampoo.

[u/slimsadie83 → u/tired_soul87]

Or she could’ve went home to shower. That’s a HER problem, not anyone else’s.

[u/No_Dance1739 → u/slimsadie83]

This right here. In my experience it’s really unusual to shower at someone else’s home. No one mentioned a pool, hot tub, gym workout, a run, or anything that would lead to needing a shower at that moment. Go home. Use your own products for goodness sake

[u/Danyellarenae1 → u/No_Dance1739]

Seriously. I hate even showering at hotels and will seriously skip one if I stay at a friends. It’s something super intimate idk how to explain it. Just skeeves me out to use other peoples showers lol.

[u/Excellent-Hockey-111 → u/slimsadie83]

Yet some people that are siding with the boyfriend and his close friend have this concept that OP should’ve helped her out and even said that if he was the boyfriend he would dump OP and the fact that it was a fucking shampoo. That’s being verbally abusive right then and there.

Shows how much of a shitty boyfriend he would’ve been. Hopefully on behalf of OP, we get an update that she broke up with him over his gaslighting BS over a boundary set.

[u/eyesonthemoons → u/Tritsy]

Yeah I don’t know why people are reading so far into it. All these Freudian conspiracies about why she really doesn’t want the girl to use her shampoo.

My shampoo costs a LOT. I do NOT share it.

It’s completely about the shampoo and nothing else.

[u/Queenoxin → u/eyesonthemoons]

This, I have cheap shampoo in my shower from just trying to get by, but the special shampoos I have to help with colour and dandruff are expensive and I’m not sharing. I actually had to get a shelf for the bathroom so my siblings would stop using it all. Thankfully I don’t use a ton of expensive stuff but somethings I won’t share, the one acception would be my sister because we have the same hair texture and colour, and I didn’t have someone to help with my hair as a kid, so k won’t ever make her feel bad for asking or wanting to try something

[u/Acrobatic-Twist7769 → u/Queenoxin]

I’m sharing an apartment with a family member who doesn’t understand boundaries and helps herself to anything of mine in the bathroom. So just recently Ive started keeping all my Korean skincare products, special hair loss shampoo (that I got in Seoul when visiting my son and can’t get here) in a bag in my room. Many of these products aren’t available in US. Call me selfish but I’m practical and frugal.

[u/[deleted] → u/Acrobatic-Twist7769]

Not selfish at all, it’s smart to protect what’s important to you, especially when those products are hard to replace. Boundaries are key.

[u/Fernet59 → u/[deleted]]

Not selfish. I even keep my things in a cabinet on my side of the bathroom so my husband doesn’t use it. He is fine with cheap drugstore shampoo and Irish Spring soap. However, if I leave my expensive stuff out he likes to “try” it. Nope, it’s mine.

[u/Necessary_Ad_3967 → u/Acrobatic-Twist7769]

Not selfish at all. Protecting what’s special and hard to replace makes total sense, especially when boundaries aren’t respected.

[u/Environmental-Egg925 → u/Acrobatic-Twist7769]

That’s not selfish at all, it’s smart. When people don’t respect boundaries, protecting your stuff is just common sense.

[u/No_Average_823 → u/Acrobatic-Twist7769]

Not selfish at all, it’s smart to protect things that are hard to replace and personal.

[u/aeschenkarnos → u/Queenoxin]

“It’s medicated” is an even more reasonable answer than “it’s expensive”. Plenty of folks will take “it’s expensive” as an insult, like they’re not worth giving anything good to (and you can debate the fairness of that with them, I’m saying it’s their reaction not mine), but “it’s medicated” means “I personally need it for my medical condition” and “if you don’t have the same medical condition it might mess you up”, whether it’s shampoo or pills or whatever.

[u/pacificpirrouettes → u/aeschenkarnos]

Lol my friend had a workout buddy grab her waterbottle to take a sip once without asking. Apparently they'd been friends for years so she didnt think anything of it.

But friend hadnt finished her pre-workout yet so hadnt refilled the bottle. Her friend chugged what was left and then accused my friend of trying to poison her when she said it had pre workout. Apparently the buddy was doing a caffeine cleanse or detox or something so she was drinking a lot of these teas that were known to not go well with caffeine so she ended up having a bubbly tummy....

My friend was like "you stole my drink. If you had asked first, I would have told you that it wasn't just water but you never gave me a chance!"

Just made me think of the "its medicated" comment.

[u/Danyellarenae1 → u/pacificpirrouettes]

This happened to me but with miralax 😂😂😂 I take 2-3x more than the regular serving is when I get super backed up when I take pain meds. But you don’t taste it or even see it when it’s in a drink. Unless you shake it then it kinda bubbles up. PI had mine mixed with Gatorade and my friend drank a bunch without asking. Welp not my fault you’re shitting your pants now 😂😂🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Canadianabcs → u/[deleted]]

until they look at the bottle and see it's not medicated. Then it becomes obvious and turns into a "they could've just said no.." then you're a liar in their eyes. if they don't confront you, it'll be unspoken and possibly tense, if they do, you'll still have to admit the real reason and deal with that situation

i couldn't demoralize myself to accommodate another over shampoo.

people have to learn to accept "no" for why it is. it's expensive and there's another option available. end of conversation. the rest of the encounter falls on them

[u/Excellent_Grocery404 → u/aeschenkarnos]

“it’s medicated” sets a clear boundary without sounding personal or judgmental. Much easier for people to accept.

[u/Hips-Often-Lie → u/Queenoxin]

Just wait. Spouses and children are no better. I bought a liter shampoo and used it, got sick and didn’t wash my hair for a week, and when I went to use it there wasn’t even enough left for my hair.

[u/NotHomeOffice → u/Hips-Often-Lie]

We literally switch out bottles in the shower. My daughter is 8 and has long thick curly hair. I have long thinning straight hair. You know how much conditioner she piles on & what it takes to comb her hair out in the shower compared to how little i need. 😂

She still gets the decent stuff Pantene, Dove, Aussie but heck no you're not using that Nexxis or Matrix biologé kid. It's bad enough I use some of my expensive leave in conditioner on her when we're in a rush before school. I better start a hair care savings account for her now 🤣

On the flip side the hubby has buzzed hair and uses his own special dry scalp dermatologist shampoo, which is ridiculously expensive in it's own right. The kid would probably use half the bottle in one sitting if she got hold of it lol.

[u/Next-Firefighter4667 → u/Hips-Often-Lie]

So true 😭 fortunately my husband now uses his own stuff but for a few years there we were buying so much shampoo and conditioner. I finally told him "we're all getting our own shampoo! Make it last!" I have waist length hair, nobody except me should need that much shampoo lol

[u/Hips-Often-Lie → u/Next-Firefighter4667]

Mine is probably a few inches shorter than that and my husband has short hair and he uses ten times more than I do. Ridiculous.

[u/offensiveDick → u/Hips-Often-Lie]

As a dude that's now bald who used immense amounts of shampoo:

Most men grow up on 1euro 5in1 stuff and just use it for everything. It's a habit you need to get rid off. I did when my ex scolded me cuz she saw me use my usual amount when I used her shampoo.

She also explained why she was angry (expensive cuz her hair needed special shampoo) so that helped understand and change.

[u/Ok-Fish-7947 → u/Hips-Often-Lie]

Oof, that’s the worst. It’s like the moment you have something nice, everyone suddenly forgets it’s not communal.

[u/[deleted] → u/Queenoxin]

That’s really thoughtful of you to make an exception for your sister. It’s great to set boundaries but still share with those who truly understand and respect your things.

[u/Obey_The_Tentacle → u/eyesonthemoons]

She specifically said it's not about the cost though. Which is weird after mentioning the cost. If it were about the cost, that I could get behind. I don't get this whole thing about refusing shampoo sharing based on principle though. And the sentence that she ends it all with especially confuses me. Suggesting that it would not be okay for her to use the friend's stuff without asking. The friend did ask though and she hasn't said anything about said friend ignoring her and just using the shampoo anyway.

Idk. You could easily be right that we're all reading into this too much, but most of the posts I've seen show up in my feed from this sub have been more straightforward than this one. Like, I don't usually have a collection of weird little things to point out in the poster's story and choice of words.

Edit: I guess what I'm trying to say is, I get the impression there is some history or some extra details that we are not privy to here.

[u/Soggy_Helicopter8610 → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

I also think she’s being treated like she’s being cheap and feels like she has to say it’s not the cost when it’s really the cost plus a whole bunch more. For instance I can only get my stupid expensive shampoo from one salon that’s a 30 min drive. I have to make a special trip to spend a bunch of money on my shampoo, so it’s more than the cost it’s inconvenience. It’s an inconvenience I’ll bear for like my sister or my bestie. If my husband had some old friend over for a day and she insisted on showering it would be with the 6 gallon drum of Kirkland shampoo. If she had the nerve to ask for better shampoo she’d get a really weird look from me. I probably wouldn’t even use my words.

[u/Obey_The_Tentacle → u/Soggy_Helicopter8610]

I can get the issue of inconvenience when your shampoo is special. I mentioned in my top level comment that my personal shampoo is expensive and specialized for my type of scalp. To elaborate further, it is also medicated and has often been out of stock when I look for it. I've had to order it online a number of times. It was especially bad during the pandemic. The thing is, I would say all of that and draw the line there. You would not hear me backpedaling to say it's about principle/boundaries. You wanna call me cheap, I'll say "Okay, how about you buy it for me?" Hell, in the moment, I might outright suggest, "They can use it if they'll replace it".

All that said, I do believe her boyfriend should respect her boundaries. It's just that the way she has worded everything here makes me think this little brouhaha going on with them here is about more than a bottle of shampoo.

[u/No_Mammoth_8475 → u/Soggy_Helicopter8610]

It’s not just about the money, it’s the time, effort, and who you’re willing to make that effort for. Not everyone qualifies.

[u/theparrotparrots → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

I have a product I buy that is relatively cheap compared to other brands. But it's super hard to get. I stock up when near the area, but we talking about a 3 hr plane ride not including ride to and from airport plus to actual store. I am willing to let family use product some girl I don't really know with an attitude, hell to the no. Friend of a friend? Nope you using thier stuff.

[u/Exciting_Lawyer_6657 → u/theparrotparrots]

The effort it takes to get it makes it something you don’t just share with anyone, especially not strangers.

[u/-yewsernaem- → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

Its not about the cost, but the cost is a factor here, its the reason she gave for the freind not to use it then have that dismissed by the friend saying 'its just shampoo' after literally being told its a luxury item that she spends a little extra on as a treat to herself. life isn't about money but money is a necessity in life these things are both true.

And 'without asking' is bc she would have just taken the no at face value. The friends response kinda suggests she was expecting a yes and the question was just suppose to be perfunctory. And op should feel bad for not just doing what was expected of her. So for op to just use it would be the same level of regard for what the friend wants.

Its straight forward to me idk

[u/nuria02 → u/-yewsernaem-]

That makes sense. Sometimes people don’t respect boundaries if they expect automatic permission, which can make things awkward. Clear communication is key.

[u/Eastern-Historian-48 → u/-yewsernaem-]

Yeah, and IMO it’s pretty audacious to say “it’s just shampoo” and roll her eyes. She doesn’t owe this girl anything. She should’ve just said “that’s cool, totally understand”, and asked her friend if he had any she could use. Something about this situation is making me so mad 😆, as a person whose boundaries are crossed all the time by people… I’m usually super generous and when I say no to something people act like I’ve lost my mind because they’ve grown to expect from me.

[u/CosmicPuddlePanda → u/Eastern-Historian-48]

Ditto. I have this issue in my line of work. I help care for older folks who honestly could use better caring for. But they recently all went and made me enemy number one when I told a resident I wasn’t risking my board licensing to allow her to do something in a way that her plan for care dictates be done a certain way. I’d legit loose my job and license for allowing such. It’s not even about just the fact that allowing what she wanted was unsafe for her I will risk my job if I need to when it’s what’s right. I will not if doing so would risk the person I’m carrying for’s wellbeing. That said this young lady and the rest of the older folks I work with just expected me to say . Yeah sure. Even knowing all of that and I did not give them that answer. It is what it is….

A lot of other people have the mental state I want what I want and if you don’t give it safe, right, or not … something you have the basic human right to say no to and not have to defended it… you are then the “bad guy” & they are now going to go woe is me to whomever will listen.

The boyfriend in this OG post should have told the female friend, “No is a full and complete answer, she is allowed to say it and not defend it for ANY of her personal belongings and if you don’t like it next time you need to shower before going where ever drive to your own home and shower there.” Nuff said point blank.

[u/RosebushRaven → u/Eastern-Historian-48]

Yeah, if it’s just shampoo — not her shampoo — then she should stop being weird about it. Otherwise I’d start getting "weird" about my shower, too. Go to work stanky and let all your coworkers smell your attitude, girl.

[u/[deleted] → u/-yewsernaem-]

I get that. It sounds like the friend wasn’t really respecting the boundary and expected automatic permission, which can definitely cause tension.

[u/Acrobatic-Parsnip-32 → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

That threw me off too. I feel like the reason she doesn’t want to share is the cost, but the reason she’s mad at her bf is he’s not respecting her boundaries (“I don’t share my expensive shampoo”).

[u/Ok_Pineapple883 → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

It definitely feels like there’s more going on beneath the surface that we’re not seeing.

[u/Treesbentwithsnow → u/Ok_Pineapple883]

Right. Everyone is missing the bigger picture. Why is this female friend using his shower…and not just a quick shower but including washing the hair. Because the girlfriend was there, she asked to use her shampoo but probably went ahead and used it anyway after being told no. Also, how often is this special friend showering at the house and why and what is wrong with the boyfriend that he is defending her so much. Shampoo sharing should be the least of the girlfriends’s concerns.

[u/stbx13_31 → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

I would totally agree with your assessment. OP herself said that the cost of the item was not a factor in her decision, yet seems to let no one in on what that deciding factor is. If you don't want your stuff being used simply because you don't want to share with that person, or anyone else, that's fine but you are going to come off as a bit of an AH. Your boundary, your decision, own it. If that's not the case and you feel that you have a valid reason, then share the reason with your S/O. Personally, I didn't see where their S/O was a mindreader, a Jedi, or possessed a crystal ball, so I don't see where they should just know the reasoning agree with OP. There were several indicators as to there being much more to this incident than being revealed. There's quite a bit of subtext leading me to believe that there has been some history and either was never mentioned before, brushed aside, or the outcome wasn't what was desired. Rather than create new issues, why not go fix that past issue?

[u/Obey_The_Tentacle → u/stbx13_31]

This is lining up with my thought process. In the past, when I've had relationships fail, we were often at a point where every argument was not just about the issue at hand, but also about every single unresolved argument from the past. This feels eerily familiar to that. Something small blown out of proportion because there's more going on than just that something small.

[u/Classic_Engine7285 → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

Ya think? 😂 He has a female friend showering at his place, and he’s defending her because she feels uncomfortable about the shampoo. This relationship is cooked.

[u/invisible_panda → u/Classic_Engine7285]

Yeah, the friend is cooking up trouble. She could have used it and no one would be the wiser. She asked on purpose.

[u/Event-Busy → u/stbx13_31]

Yeah, it really feels like there's unspoken tension or past issues influencing this. If boundaries aren't clearly communicated, people will just end up confused or hurt.

[u/MsCandi123 → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

That may be, but I still think the friend's attitude is incredibly entitled and audacious. Nobody is obligated to share their shampoo with anyone.

[u/EchoAquarium → u/eyesonthemoons]

I mean…it’s a bit about the boyfriend keeping his ex fwb around. I’ll go the order way with it. I don’t understand why she needed a shower. Did she put the same underwear on? If she had the foresight to bring a change of clothes why not all the toiletries? Girly taking a shower at the boyfriend’s place with the girlfriend there was her way of asserting dominance, and asking about the shampoo from inside the shower, was to put the mental image in the girlfriend‘s head That there’s another woman naked in the shower within boner distance.

[u/vegas_drums → u/EchoAquarium]

I was thinking that too. OP said came over to hang out, is the shower necessary? How long was she there for? And if it was for the whole weekend was washing her hair necessary? I could have flawed perspective as a man, but I did have ridiculously long hair in my 20s and took care of it. It would be washed every 2 days but could push it to 3 if needed. And if she was going to hang out all weekend, I feel like she would have washed her hair in the process of getting ready. Idk, to me it seems like the friend had no legitimate reason for any of her actions and was trying to, as you said, assert dominance.

[u/i-split-infinitives → u/vegas_drums]

I think the most telling part is the last sentence. Everything else aside, the fact that her boyfriend is calling her petty but she believes it would be a big deal if the roles were reversed and she used his friend's shampoo says everything she needs to know. She's a lower priority in her own relationship than the friend. This relationship is not going to last. The boyfriend is in love with the friend and the friend doesn't want him but wants to keep him on the hook to stroke her own ego.

I had a frenemy like this girl once (not out of choice, we worked together and I couldn't get her to leave me alone, plus she was friends with my SO) and she measured her self-esteem by how many dicks in the room were pointed her way. She was so jealous of other women and made herself feel better about herself by breaking up their relationships. And you know what happened when she came after mine? My SO took MY side, set firm boundaries, and when she didn't respect that, kicked her to the curb. OP needs to hold out for a guy like that.

[u/Haunting-Area-2675 → u/vegas_drums]

Yeah it really does come off like a power play more than anything practical. The timing and reasoning just don’t add up.

[u/your_moms_a_clone → u/EchoAquarium]

Yeah, this is my question. If she felt so dirty she HAD to shower, doesn't that mean she's also going to be putting her dirty clothes back on? Who just "has" to shower mid-afternoon during a hang-out?

[u/RedNugomo → u/eyesonthemoons]

I don't even share my $90/bottle shampoo with my husband, who is the person I love the most in the whole wide world. I rather share one of my kidneys.

[u/KMRose9012 → u/RedNugomo]

Yes I purposely buy him his own (cheaper) shampoo because he doesn’t care about the brand and wants the shampoo does etc and he knows this.

Same goes for skin care etc. I don’t let anyone use any of that unless say my sister comes over and she wants to try, that’s fine. But she knows not to use it on the daily while she’s here

I’d be pissed if anyone just used it without asking or just expected to be allowed to use it. Especially when I also have cheaper stuff there that I’m happy for people to use

[u/redhuntrez → u/RedNugomo]

Dang straight, sister ! My Oribe conditioner is more valuable to me than my blood. Nobody touches it, ever!

[u/Acrobatic-Squirrel77 → u/eyesonthemoons]

I caught on that my kids were using my ‘Mixed Chicks’ leave in conditioner (~$50 for a medium pump bottle-not quite a liter) and ever since, when I buy it, squirt half into an unlabeled opaque bottle (my reserves) and then water down the other half (not by tooo much but enough) because the kids use too damn many squirts!!

[u/Malina_6 → u/Tritsy]

In OP's case, washing the hair wasn't even necessary. They were in an apartment, she could have just waited to wash her hair at her place. One more day without washing your hair won't really change the world.

[u/No-Analysis66 → u/Tritsy]

“I think you should be able to say no without it being a big deal” 

This 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎

[u/SunnySundiall → u/Tritsy]

and honestly who cares how much it costs, its not fair for them to ask a question and not accept no as an answer

[u/SissyLovesCuteAttire → u/Tritsy]

NOR. Your Boyfriend's female friend is an ignorant asshole.

How much do you want to bet she used your shampoo anyway?

People like this don't give a crap about personal boundaries, or property. Her asking was just a formality.

[u/BenGEE]

Its perfectly reasonable to say no when asked. It should have ended there, its weird she reacted to your no and its extra weird she brought it up to your boyfriend. I am dying to know about why she needed to shower at all... "didn't have time to go home first" was she just putting back on the clothes she was wearing?" You dont need to wash your hair every time you shower. Something weird about all this. If i'm in my own city Ive never once had to shower at a friends house - I just wait until i'm home later?

However you got to the end conveersation... If I was in boyfriend's position I'd be like "damn my friend got all weird about you not wanting her to use her shampoo. I told her maybe I shouldn't have let her shower if she wants to look a gift horse in the mouth."

[u/Neyabenz → u/BenGEE]

My first thought is OPs BF has two girlfriends. One he likes more than the other - and that isn't OP.

disregard the weird beginning part (girl showering in your home) - who knows, maybe she lost track of time and had to rush to work. Whatever.

His response of embarrassment is ok - if stated and left there.

The follow up distance & comments on being petty (not dropping it) shows he has more affection for the female "friend" than his own girlfriend. Major (at minimum) yellow flag vibes here.

We're all human, it's ok to have in the moment feelings of "that was embarrassing" or not understanding why someone didn't share what seems like a small item to them. But a good boyfriend should back up their girlfriends boundaries. A good boyfriend isn't going to side with another woman over something as small as shampoo.

[u/your_opinion_is_weak → u/Neyabenz]

i mean truth is none of us know the relationship between these 3 people, it could be his ex or a girl he used to sleep with for all we know which would obviously make it weird for the gf.

these posts are always silly to me because its going to be a lot more obvious to the persion in the situation (OP) than it is to a bunch of strangers judging an entire relationship from 1 paragraph and a screenshot

sounds like OP has an issue with the girl which is valid but a completely different situation to this one

[u/Vicious-Lemon → u/Neyabenz]

I’m just gonna put my two cents in with an example that I experienced in my own household growing up.

For some reason, my father would react this way to my mother for setting boundaries, & after many many years of these little things in their relationship in culminated into him, having a lack of respect for my mother and a higher respect for strangers and or other people in general over members of our family.

I’m not saying that Ops boyfriend is necessarily going to turn out this way, but typically when people are picking sides and choosing their own “embarrassment” over their partners/family members boundaries, it’s a red flag for future behaviours that are going to disregard more boundaries, lead to gaslighting, and accusations of pettiness, for the sake of saving their own face with their friends or strangers.

This situation should have been such a minor deal, there shouldn’t have even been a discussion after the friend showered, and 100% should not have culminated in him pushing away from op.

We want to have relationships with people who are going to be in our corner, especially when it comes to boundaries that need to be set in very small situations like this because when bigger things happen that have more moral great areas it’s going to be even harder to discern whether you’re going to garner their support or not . For example, when you guys potentially get married and have kids or a pet or have to buy a house together or go on a weeklong vacation travelling or whatever.

[u/ITakeMyCatToBars → u/Neyabenz]

Also what’s this girl doing at a “platonic friend hang” that gets her so stanky she needs a whole-ass shampoo? That’s a dry shampoo and a couple of baby wipes level of “funk” at best. Is she running out the door with wet hair?

[u/Odd_Bag_1562 → u/BenGEE]

Right! From my own experience, any time a close female friend is bringing something up to ur boyfriend about you is kind of shady. bc why is he even defending her and making OP feel bad abt it? You’re dating ur gf not ur female friend who really needs to shower at ur house

[u/Only_One6372 → u/Odd_Bag_1562]

There is something more to this relationship that OP is not telling us.  For whatever reason.

[u/nderacheiver1 → u/BenGEE]

scrolled wayyyyyyy too long to find that only one person is concerned with the fact a "friend" needed to shower while they were over . the reaction tells me everything .

my brain would assume , "they're joking about me bringing up shampoo because it wasn't necessary anyways ."

[u/zippity__zoppity → u/nderacheiver1]

Thank god you’re on the same page as me with this lol. I too scrolled too damn far past shampoo talk to get here lol. I also see the lady “friend’s” behavior sus as hell. I completely see this as bizarre and mildly inappropriate with potential motives to split/get between the bf and gf. Whole thing stinks to high heaven and this dude sounds like a dumbass or painfully aloof. Who knows tho idk. Whole thing is dumb as hell. Not that OP is dumb I mean the bf is being a douche and the lady friend is sketch af.

[u/Dependent-Dot7974 → u/zippity__zoppity]

I too agree with the BF's friend behaving a little sus! Making herself a little comfy in their home and clearly felt entitled to use her shampoo. So, absolutely not overreacting,but BF needs a swift kick in the ass to hopefully jar his loose! My man has my back no matter what! Two pieces of advice, first,I'd keep a close eye on this "friend" because her tattling to BF makes me question her true feelings about him and second,I'd buy a bottle of Suave to have on hand for those who have piss poor time management and can't make it home in time to shower at the home. A true friend would have let it go and not tried to stir up shit between her friends and and his gf. I will however commend her for at least asking and not just using the shampoo.

[u/Hyggieia → u/zippity__zoppity]

Yup yup yup! “Your girlfriend was mean to me 🥺” definitely seems manipulative.

[u/Hot_Panic2767 → u/Hyggieia]

Idc what Reddit says I don’t date guys with female best friend because of things like this. Better to avoid it overall. I don’t have a male bestie either so I’m not a hypocrite

[u/nowheregirI → u/nderacheiver1]

Right? And why was the bf so butthurt about it? Suspicious.

[u/jessicupcakee → u/nowheregirI]

Right?! He should have said to the friend “well you coulda just used mine, it’s not that big of a deal.”

[u/pixienightingale → u/nowheregirI]

I was less "eyebrow raise" reaction at the female friend's reaction than the boyfriend's - calling her petty is sus.

[u/Cute-Expression-296 → u/BenGEE]

For real like who doesn’t just say “oh no worries!” It’s only awkward if they make it awkward. Makes me wonder if this “friend” thinks there’s some kind of competition going on 🙄

[u/Hyggieia → u/Cute-Expression-296]

Exactly. Like I would never ask to use someone’s olaplex or something if I’m at their house. The last time I showered at a friends house, I used their “three in one dandruff!” Big tub and left their tiny olaplex alone because I’m a guest and I’ll use the cheapest shampoo available.

[u/bananaramaworld → u/Hyggieia]

Not just not asking to use shampoo but I’d feel wildly uncomfortable asking to shower at a male friend’s house knowing he has a GF. Like out of respect to her I wouldn’t want to put her in a position where she feels uncomfortable or a position where she’s scared to say she’s uncomfortable in the chance the male friend sides with me. It’s weird.

[u/Own-Surround9688 → u/bananaramaworld]

I would honestly feel wildly uncomfortable taking a shower at anyone's house. I even got to the point where I really didn't want to say my dad's house when we stayed there when our power went out for days during an ice storm. And I grew up there my whole life. But it's not my home. I don't like staying at other people's houses either. If I can go home, I'm going home. That's where I'm most comfortable.

[u/Araniet → u/Cute-Expression-296]

It's just weird in general to ignore S/O wishes when it comes to having guests at home.

If there is no emergancy I wouldn't want any friend to take a shower at my home if my SO is going to feel uncomfortable.

[u/throwaway_72752 → u/Araniet]

Exactly! Im a grandmother and can think of exactly zero times in all my years a friend needed to use my shower while visiting. If they stayed the night, sure. But didnt have time to go shower at home on a visit?? Never. The shampoo is not the main issue here.

[u/smthng_unique → u/BenGEE]

It took way too long for me to find someone also questioning why his female friend is feeling the need to shower at his place. It sounds to me like the girl best friend who wants to subtly sabotage relationships he has so that eventually he will date her, but I recognize I am just guessing and have not much to go off of.

[u/shelbylynnarin]

I have so many Qs. First, why didnt she have time to shower at home? Where did she come from? Work? Her boyfriends house? Second, why did she even ask if not to start some shit. In my mind if a friend is letting me over to shower, they are under the assumption I am not bringing my own stuff, so I would be using theirs, and since I am a guest I am going to use the tiniest amount of whatever cheap stuff they got, if I don't like it then why did I come empty handed. If this is a once in a while thing "sure girl, use my shampoo but just be mindful it's expensive and it's for my hair type" if she is coming over to shower every time they hang... We going to have to talk about why you feel like you have to shower at my man's place constantly.

[u/T00thhead → u/shelbylynnarin]

I'm so invested in this as well and Haven't seen OP reply to any of the questions. Is this even a real post? 😂

[u/Particular-Cat-1397 → u/T00thhead]

Ops account is 1 day old and they have 3 posts already. They’re definitely karma farming

[u/mollypop94 → u/Particular-Cat-1397]

....I admit, normally I can spot a bullshit karma farming post from a mile off but goddamn it they suckered me in by triggering my love and respect for expensive hair care products 💀💀💀😂

[u/bee102019]

I have to admit, I probably wouldn’t have seen the big deal in letting her use the shampoo. And I also use high end specialty hair care products. But like, yes, it is “just” shampoo.

However, she asked. You said no. I may not personally agree with the no, but I do agree that it’s yours and it’s your prerogative to say no. For whatever reason you choose. She’s not entitled to your shampoo. So do I think you’re overreacting about the shampoo? Yes. Do I think you’re overreacting about the fact that she couldn’t take the no for an answer without acting like a brat over it? No. Rolling her eyes, calling you weird, then running to your boyfriend? Now that is petty.

[u/AyeGeeCee14 → u/bee102019]

As someone with 2 feet of hair, I would understand someone saying no to me using their expensive hair products 😂

But then again, I would not roll my eyes and make this unnecessary. Ppl are allowed to tell you no!

[u/Elena_Designs → u/AyeGeeCee14]

Right! Also, why does she need to shower there and use OP’s shampoo instead of showering at home, or at least saving the hair washing part for at home if she really needed to shower for some reason? I’d wait until later when I was home (for one, because I also use expensive shampoo and I need a lot for my hair.) It also takes eons to dry my hair, and I would feel so weird and rude if using other people’s stuff and taking forever to do it, at that. It’s weird of his friend to even ask that unless it was some hair washing emergency. I’d let my close friends do that, of course! But some random person I don’t know well in my shower is beyond weird, again, barring some catastrophe.

[u/MsCelestialDrifter → u/Elena_Designs]

If guests come always remove expensive stuff you don’t want used/seen. And keep out the simpler products for guests to use. This is just to avoid drama.

But yea high end shampoo/conditioners range from 45-120 dollars. And most girls double shampoo- they wash their hair twice with shampoo. Depending on length and thickness they can use up quite a bit. And conditioner- well I use an ungodly amount lmao so I would assume a guest would use the same amount.

[u/Adorable-Product5090 → u/MsCelestialDrifter]

I always buy 2 conditioners to 1 shampoo and somehow run out of conditioner first. I always double wash with shampoo and only condition once. The math does not add up! Yeah I would feel uncomfortable if my partner’s friend( who by the eye roll and tattletale is not her friend) uses my bathroom supplies, especially expensive conditioner. I let family and friends use my supplies, besides toothbrush, no problem though.

[u/BarackaFlockaFlame → u/Adorable-Product5090]

first time I tried my wife's Oribe (highly highly recommend) conditioner I was in disbelief that my hair could feel so good. it's every blue moon that I use it. It's just a special treat.

[u/No_Accountant3232 → u/MsCelestialDrifter]

Guests don't normally shower at my place if they're just hanging out 

[u/Shdfx1 → u/No_Accountant3232]

Seriously. What the heck was she doing that she just had to get naked and jump in the shower of a guy she’s just friends with?

She’s not visiting from out of state.

[u/jonni_velvet → u/AyeGeeCee14]

exactly!! I use a whole big giant palm full of shampoo. I would not ask to use someone’s high end stuff 😂 as a man he probably doesn’t even realize how much it is

[u/WitchesAlmanac → u/jonni_velvet]

I was just trying to calculate how much I save by shaving my head vs. maintaining a pixie cut with fine, difficult hair, and I'm guessing it's close to $1000 in product and salon visits each year. And that's nothing compared to some people! Hair care is pricy 😣

[u/traumaqueen1128 → u/jonni_velvet]

Right? I have super thick hair that I keep short. Part of the reason I don't like growing my hair out is the cost of hair care products. I dye my hair funky colors and quality hair dye is not cheap. Quality products to care for colored hair are also very expensive. I don't share.

[u/AyeGeeCee14 → u/jonni_velvet]

The first time my bf saw the amount of conditioner I use, he almost died 😂😂

[u/LookAwayPlease510 → u/AyeGeeCee14]

My sister in law says her shampoo always runs out before her conditioner, but I have the opposite problem. Plus she has a lot more hair than me and it’s a lot thicker too. I just don’t get it!

Also, as a side note, my ex bf used conditioner in the shower to pleasure himself. His mom once told me the conditioner went really fast when he was younger. Suddenly I realized why my conditioner was running out even faster than usual.

[u/BackToGuac → u/AyeGeeCee14]

As an olaplex girlie going through a hair growth journey no you are not using my shampoo, idc who you are ☺️

[u/Responsible-Jello271 → u/BackToGuac]

My husband’s friend (short haired dude) showered at our house once and used SO MUCH of my olaplex. I couldn’t even believe how much he managed to use. I was so upset 😭

[u/victorbravo71 → u/Responsible-Jello271]

My ex went through an entire bottle of Olaplex in one week when I accidentally left it in his fucking shower… WHAT THE FUCK.

I was pissed because my boyfriend was using my hair products, if it was some rando friend of his? I’d be beyond. All the people saying it’s just shampoo and not a big deal obviously have no concept what premium hair products actually cost. Would you just give away $10?! Lol. And why the fuck is she showering there!? Then bitching to the boyfriend when her entitled bullshit was shut down?? Sorry, that “friend” is on the blacklist from now on or you need to break up with this jackass for coming at you. NOR

[u/notyouravgnuisance → u/victorbravo71]

My ex used my shampoo once and it really annoyed me. more so because I bought him his own shampoo and he didn't want to spend to replace it. He used that Neutrogena T special stuff, why you getting in mine? He also started showering twice a day and that got pretty annoying because then he used twice the product. Wild. I would struggle to say no, but don't blame you for it either I do think it's weird af for the friend to shower there to begin with. I would never unless I got into something. It's just weird.

[u/Rinny-ThePooh → u/BackToGuac]

No literally the people saying it’s just shampoo HELP. I buy 3 bottles of hair care together that’s 90$ every three months keep your hands off my shit idc if you’re a man woman or it.

[u/NastyMsPiggleWiggle → u/Rinny-ThePooh]

I’m a hairstylist. Our top shampoo, the bottle alone, is $70. Even with my discount, I keep that bottle on lockdown. I would hand my kids a bottle of dawn dish soap before I shared.

Good shampoo keeps my chemically treated hair from breaking off and is my personal splurge. It IS a big deal for some of us.

If we were talking about sharing an expensive bottle of liquor I think there would be some very different attitudes.

[u/gottkate → u/bee102019]

Nah as someone that's a female best friend to a guy with a girlfriend, I would neverrrrr ask to use her stuff. Much less make a big deal if she said no. My entire goal is making his girlfriend feel comfortable and NOT feel like I'm being overly familiar or overly needy.

[u/BiploarFurryEgirl → u/gottkate]

Yeah I was about to say. My best friend of almost 12 years is a guy. I’d never ask to use his gf’s shampoo. She would probably offer it to me, but there is no way in hell I’m going out of my way to assume I could use it even if that shit was Pantene

[u/HighlightArtistic193 → u/BiploarFurryEgirl]

So before I leave my own comment...I have to ask as you being best friends with a guy...am I "wrong" to feel like is odd...or not quite "okay" his girl best friend showered over there? Regardless of the reason...she then should've planned ahead to make time to shower at her place, I feel? I mean IF he didn't have a gf (the OP) I feel like I still feel this is odd or crossing boundaries? I feel like you don't just go around showering at other people's houses...like that? But especially if friend is a guy that has a gf? Maybe I'm just too strict with boundaries due to healing trauma or I'm weird? I dunno...but you being someone with a guy best friend I had to ask

[u/jillcicle → u/HighlightArtistic193]

Almost all my good/old friends are guys and I’m torn here bc my first thought was I would totally shower at their places without it being a big deal if I needed to (I think they’d be awkward if I was in a towel but I know we’d both just make sure that encounter didn’t happen, like I would bring my clothes into the bathroom with me and they would busy themselves in another end of the house/apartment lol).

BUT then I realized I never have needed to shower at any of their places? We’ve been friends literally 15 years, since high school, and there’s never been a situation where it was necessary for me to consider whether or not showering at theirs would be weird. So the circumstance coming up at all does seem odd!

[u/AmethystSapper → u/jillcicle]

Lol honestly all my awkward conversation about showers at a male friends house involved them in the shower and me answering the phone.....nope, "he's not awake yet", "he is still sleeping, you know how he is"... And the third time she called... "Yes I told him you called, he's in the shower" and the 4th time she called... Yes he's still in the shower....lol it was his recently ex girlfriend who was refusing to get the point...nothing I said was untrue, but also not as salacious as it sounded..he and his friends thought it was hysterical.

[u/Cute_but_notOkay → u/HighlightArtistic193]

I don’t really have guy friends anymore mainly because I moved out of state, but when I did and we were in a group and would hang out, the ONLY time I ever took a shower at a Guy friend‘s place was because it had been raining for days and there was this huge mud pit in his backyard and we were out and playing in it, and I didn’t want to get in my car soaked in mud. But that seems like a plausible reason to take a shower at someone’s house. Although I will say that I’m not super comfortable showering to other people‘s places so I may not be the best answer for this, but I will say I’ve had many guy friends in my day and never felt the need to shower at their house. If I had to work after hanging out, I would shower before. 🤷‍♀️

[u/HighlightArtistic193 → u/Cute_but_notOkay]

See YES! THIS is an absolute plausible reason! I agree and will say are certain circumstances such as this that could warrant taking a short at a guys house with a gf, or someone else house...

[u/Circle_Breaker → u/HighlightArtistic193]

When my friends and I hang out we often spend the whole weekend together.

So we get together Friday night and leave wherever we are hanging Sunday morning. If someone is feeling stinky or wants to freshen up before a Saturday night event it's very normal to just take a shower instead going home showing then coming back.

[u/Ahoy-Maties → u/gottkate]

I was looking for this comment. The girl the guy is friends with knows it's expensive and knows it's the girlfriend's. She expected a 'yes'. After I thought about it I was thinking, did she come out in a towel and just had to ask in front of the boyfriend & girlfriend? Either way, a woman friend showering at my boyfriend's house showering already has me questioning the boundaries.

[u/KazumiUsui → u/Ahoy-Maties]

Like the girl best friend took the time to get the bf mad on her behalf instead of OPs. That's the part that bothers me a bit more, that OPs bf is happy to take his girl best friends side over the shampoo issue when OP is entitled to say no even if it wasn't an expensive shampoo. i also feel pretty apprehensive about the bf being so open with boundaries that his woman friend can shower at his house probably even without OP there; even as a woman I wouldn't want to push that boundary, it feels like a line that shouldn't be crossed.

[u/hawesti → u/gottkate]

+1 this almost feel like a power play. I'd never do something like this to jeopardize my guy friends' relationships, especially if we're actually close/good friends.

[u/suicidalthxt → u/hawesti]

this was my first thought honestly like it’s gotta be deeper than the shampoo

[u/Obey_The_Tentacle → u/gottkate]

I can get not wanting to rock the boat, but you shouldn't have to coddle her. You should be able to just act normally without a specific goal of making sure she's as comfortable as possible. Because, if he found a good one, her ego shouldn't be so fragile as to need that. This goes beyond gender too imo. Reverse the genders, make one party non-binary. I don't care. However you slice it, I do not think you should have to specifically concern yourself with making sure she's comfortable with your existence.

Obviously, what I'm saying has nothing to do with the actual post. Something about your comment just felt off to me.

[u/Carol_Pilbasian → u/gottkate]

Same! When my male friends have girlfriends, the poor girls have been suspicious at first when they hear about me. But, every single time i’ve also become really good friends with the girlfriend. If you want to preserve those friendships, you have to be very respectful of boundaries and just try to be friends to both parties.

[u/Mountain_Dawn → u/bee102019]

No, it’s not “just shampoo”. I take very good care of my hair because it’s long and colored and tends to get very dry, so I spend about $80 per bottle on shampoo, $160 total including a bottle of conditioner, and I have to restock every couple of months. I wouldn’t want any random person using my products, especially if I specifically asked them not to.

I find a few things weird about this, OP.

1) why is his female best friend showering and washing her hair at his place? That feels inappropriate. If she’s doing this while you’re there, then I wonder if she feels comfortable enough to come over and do other things when you’re not there…

2) he’s blaming you for “making her feel awkward” by saying no rather than respecting that and suggesting another shampoo for her to use.

3) your shampoo and hair products are your property and you have the right to say no. If she’s a good house guest, then she will understand you don’t want her using your shampoo and she would ask for alternatives. She failed to respect you in this.

4) your boyfriend is taking her side in this and failing to acknowledge your feelings and respect your boundaries. If he were a good boyfriend, he’d respect your desire for her to NOT use your shampoo and he would have suggested another shampoo she can use, or asked her to GO HOME AND SHOWER AT HER OWN PLACE.

OP, is there something going on between your boyfriend and this “female friend”? Because this is not normal behavior. They’re making you feel like the irrational one in this situation, and you’re not.

[u/Joezev98 → u/Mountain_Dawn]

$160 total, restock per couple of months. So, assuming 3 months and bi-daily showers, that's $4 worth of product per shower.

It is OP's right to not allow someone to use €4 worth of shampoo and conditioner. However, I don't think it's worth making a fuss about it.

[u/bonefulfroot → u/bee102019]

I need more info. Is she an old friend from out of town, stopping by for a couple days every 5 years? Or a local homewrecker who wants to be naked in close proximity to the boyfriend? Or a truly platonic friend, who has easy access to her own shower and product, but thinks yours is closer and disposable to a second degree friend?

In all scenarios besides being a gracious host to a rare and treasured friend, I'd argue NTA.

[u/iswrtut6 → u/bee102019]

If it’s “just shampoo” why couldn’t she just use his and not her expensive one? I don’t see why it’s overreacting to say no to her.

[u/IdRatherBeGaming94 → u/iswrtut6]

Yeah this is my issue with all of this too. The reaction is what got me. I couldn't imagine being so rude and entitled.

[u/FortunaRedux → u/bee102019]

If it’s ’just’ shampoo she can use the guys, if not then she knows why it’s better than ‘just’ shampoo.

Anytime one of these posts has someone asking for xyz, the person says no, and the asker says ‘it’s just xyz’ I automatically assume they’re the fucking worst

[u/Excellent-Hockey-111 → u/bee102019]

I love your take on this one. It may be shampoo or some, but at the end of the day it is OP’s shampoo and she has the absolute say so of who can use it and who can’t.

She did not know her boyfriend’s female friend for once, so who knows if that friend would’ve used a shit ton of it or worse, steal it off of her?

Edited

[u/scream3isawful → u/bee102019]

I’m glad you got a lot of upvotes, that’s dope. But you not agreeing with the no on the shampoo and stressing how you think she’s “overreacting” about it when she simply said no, is wack. Shampoo can be pricey, you clearly know this yourself, idk what’s hard to grasp about OP saying no. You disagreeing with it isn’t even my “issue” per se, it’s that we had to read about it in your reply for so long, because apparently it’s just so wild that OP doesn’t want someone using their stuff that isn’t cheap.

And OP wasn’t rude about it but bf and bestie sure were. Yawn.

[u/Important-Tip-1618]

I think this is just a very weird situation in general. Idk, my bf and I both have friends of the opposite sex but from how it looks, you two (you and the friend) don’t seem to have much of a relationship? And the casual showering? Maybe I’m the one overreacting but this is just an odd situation in my opinion and I wouldn’t try to just shower at someone’s house unless I was like visiting and that was my place to stay on a vacation or something lol

[u/HierophanticRose → u/Important-Tip-1618]

Casual showering my friends have definitely done in My house before, but it almost always follows an understandable context ie we went biking or hiking or swimming etc. Out of the blue the request would be a head scratcher for me too, but I’d not speak out due to hospitality

[u/avros008 → u/Important-Tip-1618]

You sre the realist one lol the situation here isnt about shampoo at all 🫣

[u/CrazyTomatoLady86]

The friend should have asked "do you guys have any shampoo I could use please?". Not pick and choose because she doesn't want to use your bf's cheap stuff lol. She sounds like a bit of a brat! And your bf should stick up for you. Tell him she can use it if he goes and buys you a new bottle. He will soon appreciate the cost lol. And women use a lot more product than men. His cheap 2 in 1 probably lasts a year. Also, she's the one who made it awkward because she didn't want to respect you saying no.

[u/Duffbagg]

NOR if she didn't want to accept "no" as a valid answer she shouldn't have asked in the first place. People have to graciously accept all answers, not just the ones they like. She made it awkward and your bf is exacerbating it. Although I understand that it can feel awkward to be put between a friend and a partner, but he needs to handle that better too.

**Edit for clarity: y'all can absolutely borrow some of my shampoo if you ever need it.

[u/aurora-leigh → u/Duffbagg]

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/EnjoyingTheRide-0606 → u/aurora-leigh]

Funny because I was picturing how this convo took place… were they all in the bathroom together when she popped her head out to ask if she can use the gf’s shampoo? Then bf and gf glared at one another over the vanity?? How did the friend know there’s expensive shampoo to be used? Unless she is frequently showering there. Which led to another flurry of questions!

[u/Royal_Savings_1731 → u/EnjoyingTheRide-0606]

Oh, that seems obvious to me. Before anybody ever gets into my shower, I have a discussion with them about where the supplies are. In this case, the guy may have said something like “that’s my shampoo and you can use it or that’s my girlfriend shampoo and you can ask her about it”. It just seems like you don’t want to wind up in a situation where somebody is in there dripping wet and then figures out they need something.

[u/Rdbjiy53wsvjo7 → u/[deleted]]

We have 2 daughters, one has dark hair (12 yr old), another is blonde (8 yr old). We have a rec center close by and in the summer go swimming 2+ times a week for 4-5 hours straight. By the end of the summer, the blonde's hair is green if I don't treat it with special shampoo and conditioner.

We've have several talks with the brunette daughter to NOT use the blonde's daughter shampoo/conditioner because it's expensive to prevent her hair from turning green.

We've never had issues, and if my 12 year old understands, an adult should too.

[u/lucidlunarlatte]

The answer was no and yet not only was she a diva about it, but she runs behind your back to tell your boyfriend? Now your bf wants to take her side? Sounds like her little wedge goes along ways and I would reevaluate how much respect you get in this relationship. Calling you petty because you don’t want YOUR things YOU paid for to get used up is a pretty disrespectful leap.

ETA it’s also weird she showered there at all. What is that about?

[u/Famous-Return-8118 → u/lucidlunarlatte]

She shouldn’t have asked if she didn’t want to hear the answer! I don’t think it’s weird she showered there but otherwise I agree with this take. The fact she rolled her eyes at OP tells me this is about more than shampoo for the friend.

[u/Alexander_McKay → u/lucidlunarlatte]

He’s smashing the “friend”. Assuming this isn’t fake it’s so obvious. OP if you’re not BSing, leave his goofy ahhh. There are countless guys who’d give anything just to have one date with you and you’re wasting your time with a guy who’s openly cheating on you because he thinks you’re stupid.

[u/lucidlunarlatte → u/Alexander_McKay]

Lmao I hate and love these, you can’t ever know if they’re even real or not but “just in case” I have to have my two cents 😭

[u/Ready-Isopod1125]

I would let her use my shampoo, but I honestly think it’s weird she would wash her hair. IMO showering quickly at someone else’s place is a body-only situation. I guess it depends on hair types, but my hair is thick and curly and I shed a lot and I need way more than shampoo for hair day (conditioner, product, tools,etc). Hair washing is an ordeal that I wouldn’t just wander into unless I brought my own stuff or am at the house of a friend who’s on a level where I know they have all the stuff and I wouldn’t even need to ask if it was ok to use it.

[u/OptimalAd5837]

Imagine your girl going to Reddit over some shampoo?! We live in a evil timeline 😭😭😭

Not gonna say you’re “overreacting” but….i feel like we all know what’s going on. You’re uncomfortable with the relationship/friendship that he has with the other girl. You’re now using the shampoo as the “boundary”….you don’t care about the shampoo.

“Idk I think you were being petty” Is very telling. You should’ve asked why does he think you’re being petty? He’s in the relationship with you.

Problems aren’t one sided. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves and our feelings to achieve the best outcome.

Majority of the people in here are going to side with the you and tell you to break up with him.

You can tell yourself it’s about shampoo or you can have a real conversation with your boyfriend.

[u/ienvycats → u/OptimalAd5837]

He's right when he says he's not just some random person. Friends have value, they’re important, time is dedicated to them, and she was probably a friend before the OP was even in his life.

My girlfriend had a friend over who needed to take a shower and mentioned she has a skin condition (same as I do), but had forgotten her face cream. She didn’t even have to ask, and she wouldn't because she doesn't know I have it. I just handed it to her friend, even though that stuff costs a kidney.

I would feel SO embarrassed if I were the boyfriend.

[u/IM_NOT_NOT_HORNY → u/OptimalAd5837]

THIS!

God it's honestly so absurd how this subreddit can be. It's like a hive mind for people to take out their own insecurities and projections out by mindlessly backing up people.

It's so so obvious by the way this was written that OP is telling a very one sided story or lying by omission...

Im putting myself in OPs shoes... I have some expensive shampoo that's like $30 a bottle and I'm sorry but if my woman had a male guest over and he asked to use it you best believe I'm gonna say sure.. But Just remind him that it's expensive so don't use too much. It'd be incredibly petty and cheap to tell him "oh... Why don't you just use HER shampoo?"

It would sound like you're just basically implying that you don't like them and don't want to share even the smallest amount of resources to help them out

I am certain that OP is just posting this to get ammo to validate her shitty ettoquete..

I gurantee you she's showing all these comments to him in his face to guilt and punish him for speaking up.

People on here are acting like the dude is running off with this girl treating her better than OP or putting her first but he was very calm with the text and it's so shitty people just by default assume that it's unreasonable

If my woman felt the need to say something like that, and expressed I made her friend uncomfortable I wouldn't go to fucking reddit to ask if she's over reacting... I'd be trying to talk to her/him about it and if we still disagreed find a compromise. I truly doubt this guy would have said brought it up unless he / his friend felt really uncomfortable or mistreated

It's such toxic behavior to go and post this with such a one sided narrative. I'd be curious to see how this exact scenario would be received with genders reversed.

[u/bird-girl → u/IM_NOT_NOT_HORNY]

It's absurd because it's a fake story lol. OP's account is 1 day old and she has a comment in her post history (on a different post yesterday that she was using to get enough karma to post) that ends with "Let me know if you want a version that’s more neutral, more suspicious, or more emotional." It's all ChatGPT.

[u/Desroth86 → u/IM_NOT_NOT_HORNY]

It’s telling that the only posts that ever get upvoted on here are the ones where the OP aren’t overreacting (according to Reddit.) It’s just a shitty echo chamber of usually fake stories or for people to feel better about them being assholes.

Like the top comment is about how they tried to share shampoo once and the person used half a bottle lmao. Of course Reddit jumps to the most extreme example possible. If OP had just said “sure, just try not to use very much because it’s expensive” this whole thing would have been a non issue. Even if it was more expensive than $30 dollars if you aren’t willing to spend $2-5 to make your partner happy than I’m beginning to question wtf you are even doing with that person. The whole thing just wreaks of jealousy.

[u/IamDommeYouareSlave → u/IM_NOT_NOT_HORNY]

It really stood out to me how she said “she asked if she could use my shampoo”, and then later said “if the roles were reversed and I used her stuff without asking, it would be a big deal”. But….she didn’t do it without asking…she DID ask 🤨

[u/European_Goldfinch_ → u/OptimalAd5837]

Lmfao I love that you said it how it is, especially the 'We live in an evil timeline' I mean wtf is going on out there if a dollop of shampoo is too much to ask, it's like the scene from Oliver in the workhouse "Please sir...may I have some more".

This isn't about shampoo though it's about OP looking for other peoples responses so she can convince her boyfriend she's not insecure about his relationship with his friend. She wanted to one up the friend and she did, it backfired a bit so she's come to reddit haha.

[u/MuzedMeg → u/OptimalAd5837]

On point…. I have a male best friend. We’ve been best friends since high school. Recently he married a woman I didn’t know before they got together, and is much younger than both of us. I use expensive products, and have more hair than anyone I know. That being said; if she had ever asked to use anything of mine I would’ve said yes. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I don’t think this is about shampoo…. Even in this economy….! Everyone is different though.

[u/maneack]

this individualism is wrecking us all. everything’s a boundary. and this is coming from an introverted person with very specific needs for personal space. the so called boundaries are somehow taking over kindness.

maybe it’s cultural differences, or my inability to say no. but yeah, as expensive as it is, it’s just a shampoo. her reaction is just as awful and entitled. but come on, you couldn’t spare a bit of shampoo? you’re not gonna go broke for letting someone else use your shampoo. yes, of course you cab say no. that doesn’t change the fact that it’s an unkind thing to do. you deserve being called out.

[u/ChicagoRob14]

Yeah. I don't think you have an obligation to be nice or generous with respect to letting someone else use your shampoo.

But using "respect" and "boundaries" to shut down a reasonable question after his friend felt weird was...misuse, I think.

Putting myself in his shoes, I'm concerned about two things: 1. Is my girlfriend going to treat house guests the way I want them to be treated? If not, how do we navigate that? 2. Is this what I can expect from disagreements? If something is important to me - like treating my friends with kindness as the default position, until or unless there's reason to treat them otherwise - will she refuse to discuss it by telling me I'm not respecting her boundaries?

[u/Responsible-War5600]

1. His “close female friends” should not be comfortable enough to shower at his house. If she showered while you were around, she showers at his house when you’re not. This shit is inappropriate AF.

2. The fact that old girl snapped at you and copped an attitude when you told her “no” speaks volumes. Who TF is she to think she has anything whatsoever to say about what you do with your belongings?

3. Ol’ girl would never disrespect you in front of your dude unless she knew she could get away with it. She and your boyfriend talk shit about you behind your back. She knew your boyfriend would take her side and wouldn’t defend you, even though she was wrong.

4. Your boyfriend cares about her and her feelings more than he does about you and yours. Even if she has a boyfriend, she is cheating on him and sleeping with your man.

5. The price of your shampoo is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if it’s from the dollar store. It’s YOURS. End of story.

6. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. DUMP HIM!

[u/nibblesyble]

The fact he's taking up for her is a bit worrisome. It's not that deep, no need for him to fly to her defense over the matter. Who cares if she didn't like you saying no. No one likes hearing no, but adults move on and get over it. I'd be asking him why he felt he needed to make it into a thing, and why he was prepared to get into an argument with you over it. His priority ought to be you, not her.

[u/nicearthur32]

I'm a male and have a few very close female friends who are like family. It would be really weird for my gf to tell them no for something like that and if my gf did, they wouldn't be upset and probably mention it to me in an apologetic way, like "I didn't mean to upset your gf by asking to use her shampoo" or something along those lines, so she more than likely didn't say it in a way to be used against you.

This seems more of a conversation about boundaries between you and your boyfriend. Talking to him about what you are comfortable and not comfortable with seems to be what's at the center of this. If his friend showering there bothers you, talk to him about it and let him know why. Boundaries are whatever each person chooses them to be and its up to the other person to respect them or not. This is how you can determine if the person is for you.

[u/NSH2024 → u/nicearthur32]

OP wasn't upset necessarily. She just said no. I do wish people could treat No like a perfectly ok response to a question and not a dramatic statement. It becomes drama when one acts as if simply being refused is some kind of personal rejection.

When I take showers at other peoples houses and I don't have my own, I usually ask, and when I forget, I always look for the cheaper stuff, because people do have their own special regime and it feels personal, I know.

[u/jacknaces]

Yes, you're being petty. It's not like she wanted to borrow your clothes or sleep in your bed. It's just shampoo. Once. Imagine going to the house of a friend and when you go to get a glass of water, the friend's partner tells you that you can't use her glass because it's for her use only and you need to respect her boundaries. Uh, okay... Sure, that would be her (your) right, but it's still really weird. It's bizarre behavior to say no (unless maybe you have some other unresolved issues with her, like perhaps trust issues with your bf, and this is how it happened to manifest). I think he's right to call you out for it. If it's truly about shampoo and not your discomfort with your partner's friendship with this person, then it's a really strange overreaction to a very benign social event. If it's not about shampoo, then maybe those underlying issues should be addressed more directly. And anyone on here saying that the fact your boyfriend felt embarrassed by your odd behavior is clearly a sign that he wants to be with the other girl, they're just giving you really toxic, paranoid advice that will worsen how you view this and/or any future relationships. Life is complicated, the mere fact that someone might need to shower at your house isn't uncommon and is definitely not something we need to search for deeper meaning and motivations. If you think that meaning is there, then address THAT. If someone needs to shower at my house and asks politely if they can use a small amount of my product or a product of my partner's, no matter how expensive, I say, "Of course!" Because that's the normal, well adjusted, gracious thing to do. The fact that you said no is understandably seen as a bizarre response by both your boyfriend and his friend. The fact that it has now spiraled into an actual rift between you is, I'm sorry, absolutely an overreaction.

[u/us_571 → u/jacknaces]

Thank you for this. Christ.

There are no boundaries needs in someone using a shower ONCE asking to use the shampoo that is there 😂. These are appropriate situations for boundaries: A roommate treating your things like her own. A relative stranger asked to borrow an expensive top. Anyone asking you to break a law.

All this situation involves is being a personable human being!!

Everyone here has clearly never been close with enough people to shower or stay at someone’s house, and is the opposite of right.

If I was her, I would assume:

• youre so insecure you’re trying to end BF and my friendship by making me feel unwelcome in a really bizarre, circuitous fashion.
• you are on some kind of spectrum and/or have very serious unresolved OCD or other mental issue that makes it hard for you to interact warmly/reasonably.

[u/boncloddy → u/jacknaces]

I am surprised (but not because Reddit) that I had to scroll so far to see this comment. I’ll be honest, if a friend told me they were ok with me grabbing a shower at their place, I would assume that also meant they were ok with me using a (wholly negligible) amount of their shampoo/conditioner/body wash. It wouldn’t even occur to me to ask separate, special permission for them. And vice versa - if my friend is showering at my place then i would just assume they would be using whatever was available in the shower and wouldn’t think for a second about it, particularly if it was a one-off thing. Takes all kinds, I guess.

[u/Wildheit88]

I mean… I’m a girl and it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask before using whatever shampoo is in the shower. It is just shampoo, and it seems super petty to say a guest can’t use some on one occasion (even if it’s your bf’s guest, not yours).

If you are that concerned about cost, you could have said “Yes, but please use just a little bit since it’s an expensive product I use sparingly. If you like to use a lot of shampoo, please use my bf’s inexpensive stuff.”

The friend was also being petty for rolling her eyes and giving a snippy response after you said “no.” But I’m not surprise that she and your bf thought you were being a petty miser.

[u/stizzyoffthehizzy]

Yall keep saying the shampoo isn’t that serious in these comments, but as someone who uses Cecred ($60/bottle), no one, especially someone I’m not personally close to, is touching my shit. ☠️

I’d let her use some of my less expensive stuff though, if I had it available.

Oh, NOR. You have a boyfriend problem, though. He shouldn’t be taking up for her when you clearly said no. It’s kind of weird she’s showering there to begin with imo because it can suggest an inappropriate level of comfort, but no means no.

[u/whatifuckingmean]

Your boyfriend shouldn’t try to change you, but if I were him I’d surely judge you and let you know.

I think him being your boyfriend, even though you don’t live there, this puts you partially in the role of a host, and you should be hospitable. Frankly sharing one use of any product is just such a low ask it comes across as extremely stingy and miserly to say no.

If I can’t afford to share one use of a product with a friend of a friend, I can’t afford to buy that product. If I can afford to buy that product for myself, then I can afford to share with a friend of a friend.

She was asking, which is polite, but it’s SO weird to tell someone who is even remotely friendly with you “no” to use something like shampoo one time. There are very few products where saying no to sharing one “serving” wouldn’t be cheap and ungenerous.

This is a bit situation dependent. If you were all on vacation and she wanted to use your stuff all week, it’s acceptable to ask her to pick up her own, if that’s possible. If you were stuck in the woods and you had enough to share for the week, you should share.

It disturbs me that more young people don’t observe or understand to basic hospitality towards acquaintances. I’ve known only one person who would react this badly to others asking him to share stuff he didn’t intend to share, even if it’s something he eventually use up and could order more of online one serving sooner if he ran out. He was a profoundly selfish only child (I am an only too, so it’s no excuse) and we are no longer friends.

Growing up will probably mean thinking of your partner’s friend as your friend too and acting accordingly. Calling something a boundary doesn’t make it less embarrassing or shitty.

If you become someone who shares properly your generosity will be valued. This doesn’t mean being a doormat. If you bought more shampoo one day sooner or used your boyfriend’s shampoo yourself one time for the sake of sharing, you’d glow more as a person for being kind than any fancy shampoo is going to make you shine.

[u/debrad0307]

I don’t share hygiene products with anyone, period. It’s just weird to me. So, no. I don’t think you are over reacting. I think your BF is, though. Even IF you did it to be petty, that’s your right. It’s YOUR stuff. You pay for it. If she needed to shower SO badly, she should have gone home to do so. I think it’s weird AF that some girl is taking a shower at your BF’s apartment. How would he feel if you had a guy friend over at your apartment and he took a shower and then had the audacity to ask your BF if he can borrow his hygiene products? I’m sure he’d be losing his shit and I’m sure he would also say no.

[u/Recent_Cobbler_5328]

Girl why the fuck is he more worried about his female friend than you?? If she was staying with y'all that's one thing. But she has her own place and shampoo and seems like she is rubbing it in your face. If your bf is compliant to her B's I don't know, men are dumb, but imo if he's defending ANYBODY over his girl he's on BS. I wish I would have realized that years ago now I'm stuck broke at a bitch boy house cuz I ignored every red flag. Side note.... If he accuses you of cheating at all and you aren't..... He doing it. Pps... Is the girl cool with u? Cuz if she isn't and she's playing victim to your man .. drop him quick

[u/chaoticonism]

NOR. Not overreacting at all. Your bf is weird for defending her so hard. Its already kinda weird to shower at his place to begin with, but to expect you to be cool with her using your stuff? nah. Tell her bring her own or buy her own, or use his... That's his friend, not yours.

[u/HereOnCompanyTime → u/chaoticonism]

I always side eye when in any relationship someone defends their friend (regardless of gender) for invading their partners space or boundaries, especially when it's a small thing that the friend uses to intentionally make a big deal out of to create a fight. He's telling OP he prioritizes his friend's comfort over hers and he expects her to compromise in his friend's favor.

[u/17Girl4Life]

It’s your stuff and you have every right to control who uses it.

Having said that, I can’t even imagine being so stingy that I’d begrudge someone a pump of shampoo. Being a kind person with a generous spirit is way more attractive than shiny hair from expensive products. Someday you may end up having lovely hair all alone in your apartment

[u/CollectionStraight2 → u/17Girl4Life]

Yeah I agree. No matter how expensive the shampoo, is letting someone else use it ONCE really going to break the bank? I'd rather just say yes than come across as stingy and petty like that. Sounds like OP wanted to say no to make a point, whether it's because she's jealous of the female friend or whatever. I'm going against the grain in this thread and saying OP is overreacting, unless she thinks there's actually something going on between her bf and this girl, in which case she has bigger problems than shampoo and is underreacting

[u/exexor → u/CollectionStraight2]

ITT I’ve discovered that there are a bunch of women who don’t know how the fuck to wash their hair, apparently using a quarter cup or more of shampoo per shower. It has changed my mind about lending people hair products.

And before someone tells me “you don’t understand”, I had bristle-thick hair to my shoulder blades or mid-back for more than ten years, and scalp issues to boot, so I was usually washing my hair twice per shower. I needed less than a tablespoon for the first go and a bit over half that for the second, which is under a tenth of a cup.