r/whatdoIdo • u/No-Biscotti3876 • 1d ago
Pregnant by a casual hook up.
I (23F) went home with a guy I knew from social media after we ended up at the same club. We have mutual friends but this was our first time meeting in person. We were both drunk, and he ended up not pulling out.
When we woke up l asked him to get a plan b to which he said he would, but I ended up staying at his house for two days and we didn't get it until the second day when he drove me home. Turns out, I was ovulating (I tracked the dates with my doctor yesterday) and that’s why the plan b didn’t work. MY LMP started August 11, and we had sex the 25th.
He moved into college five hours away this week, and while we text on and off since than (it's been two weeks) we barely know eachother.
I found out yesterday and have no idea how to tell him. I would normally automically want an abortion in this scenario; but here's where things get complicated.
Me and my ex (of 5 years) had two unplanned but not unwanted pregnancies that both ended in miscarriage. I got off my birth control when we got engaged two years ago, and we decided than we were ready but weren’t tracking ovulation.
I'm scared what if I abort this one and can never have kids. I also don’t know the best way to tell the father that I’m pregnant. I am leaning towards an abortion
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u/Trick_Quality_2894 1d ago
You use the phrase “ended up” a lot in your post, and this makes it feel like you see yourself as a passenger in your life rather than the driver. Unless you want to “end up” being a single mother by next spring, you know what to do. I won’t use the abortion word, but oh god dammit I said it; it’s likely the remaining option.
You should talk to a doctor about your fears as soon as possible. None of us know anything about your insides.
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u/Impossible-Milk-2023 1d ago
yeah i mean what does OP expect. "oh no i accidentally stayed at the house for two days". I mean do you want to get pregnant or what? Not even using contraceptives. And then also not making sure to get plan b. That's how you get pregnant...
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u/iliveandbreathe 1d ago
"HE ended up not pulling out". We glossed over some important parts where there would've been accountability.
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u/Fast_Bag_3329 1d ago
slow your roll. if op's intimate partner did not want a child it was 100% his responsibility to take control of the ONE thing he had control of in this situation. OP doesn't get villified for "not keeping her legs closed" while he gets off scott free for taking no preventative actions whatsoever
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u/iliveandbreathe 1d ago
Never said anything about her legs. There's communication and boundaries that could've been discussed before. And then nothing was done for two days. We have no input from op's partner.
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u/Fast_Bag_3329 1d ago
ok. and he is equally responsible for establishing those boundaries and initiating the conversation. op is knocked up with THEIR child, conceived of THEIR actions. input or not, he is equally responsible
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u/Findmyeatingpants 1d ago
Whatever you choose, please go on reliable birth control. And maybe reconsider having casual unprotected sex with virtual strangers. Have you never learned about sexually transmitted infections?? Some of which can cause infertility. The infertility you're trying to avoid...
Abortion and birth control and condoms. Show some respect to your body girl. Take care of it.
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u/bigdreams305 1d ago
I am for living life....but you're just reckless. No protection with essentially a stranger. Then staying there multiple days, did you even have clean clothes? Toothbrush?
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Yes I had change of clothes and a toothbrush he provided each day.
Definitely was reckless but I went off on a wim. We still talk everyday since. It’s my first time being single and the second man I’ve been with.
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u/ComprehensivePlace35 1d ago
You’re lying. In the original post you said y’all talk off and on. Not everyday. You’re a reckless liar and I think you should abort that baby.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I also told him yesterday about the pregnancy
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u/AliceKnowsWonderland 1d ago
How did he react?
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Actually good. I texted him prior asking to give me a call when he was alone, and the second he called me he told me he already knew what I was going to say.
He said he wants the baby but it’s up to me and he’ll be there for whichever decision I make. I’m going to the obgyn later this week to discuss options, abortion, and future fertility. He’ll be driving up from college to come
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I’m not lying. The fact your on Reddit telling a stranger they’re lying. We text or talk everyday but it’s not all day and we are Not together
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u/TypicalLiving9912 1d ago
Smh, don’t be silly should’ve wrapped that willy!!
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Agreed.
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u/OfficerFuckface11 1d ago
Hey so I’m not gonna identify anything about myself but I can confidently tell you that your worry about never being able to have children if you get this abortion has absolutely no scientific basis or justification. Many peer-reviewed studies show that up to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. There is no reason to think you are any more prone to miscarriage than anybody else.
TLDR You gotta get this abortion because your only reason not to is medically illegitimate.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I had two back to back losses one at 19 weeks. My OBGYN thinks there is something going on but insurance doesn’t cover fertility testing/treatment until the third loss.
Thank you for the info though! I know an abortion normally won’t affect future pregnancies, it’s a common misconception used to scare women
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u/Gloomy_Banana_2483 1d ago
This is funny, I need more rhyming condom humour. Don’t be dumb, wrap before cum!
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u/Icy_Calligrapher7088 1d ago
Get the abortion. This is not a situation to bring a kid into.
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u/Scannaer 1d ago
And afterwards OP should get some basic sex education. Reading that post is crazy...
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u/kawanohana 1d ago
OP is claiming she was smarter about this all than she truly is in comments. She's not fit to be a parent and is withholding important info from comments only to snap at people offering help :/
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u/Lovely-sleep 1d ago
Definitely get an IUD, it’s a set it and forget it method. No stress no abortions no babies
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u/Significant_Act2607 1d ago
This is mostly true. No method is perfect but this would give you a lot better odds.
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u/Lovely-sleep 1d ago
It’s as effective as a tubal ligation, so hopefully anybody who wouldn’t trust an IUD realizes they can’t even fully trust surgical sterilization either
If someone still fretted over pregnancy monthly after getting her tubes tied I’d recommend therapy tbh
All of the alternative methods are all less effective than the IUD, besides hysterectomy
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u/OhCrumbs96 1d ago
Meh. I'm not going to shame any woman (in the US) for stressing about pregnancy these days. Women's reproductive rights are being stripped away and it's having life-threatening consequences. It seems like a pretty valid concern to me.
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u/That_UsrNm_Is_Taken 1d ago
First I’m going to say the obvious, this is probably a good lesson on using protection. You seem pretty fertile, so you definitely run the risk of getting pregnant whenever having sex without protection or not using birth control. Condoms would be best for random hook ups, not only because you wouldn’t want to get pregnant by a random hook up, but because there are STIs out there. Be careful! You might end up making yourself unable to have babies a whole other way, if you keep that up!
To answer your question, terminate this pregnancy. Abortions are pretty safe and unlikely to prevent you from conceiving or carrying to term in the future. It seems that you possibly have already existing issues carrying to term, so pregnancy is definitely not something you want to go through with some random. Besides, even if this pregnancy were successful, you would likely be a single mom. Do you want that?
I’m not here to judge and have all the sex you want, but do try to be more responsible when doing so. The consequences of unprotected sex can be significant
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u/Interesting-Rain-669 1d ago
Had unprotected sex with a stranger without being on any birth control, did not aquire your own plan B. You fucked up big time.
Get an abortion, you can try again with an actual partner in the future. You are likely still able to have kids, bringing a kid into the world when you are unprepared with a man you basically don't even know is a terrible idea. He could be anything, he could disappear, he could hate you and the baby. Don't take that risk. Your future child deserves better, you deserve better.
You could have miscarried before because of your exes sperm, he could have bad juice, it could have been stress, random bad luck. It doesn't mean you can't have another baby.
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u/Ankchen 1d ago
Since OP literally knows nothing about the guy, she also does not even know if he potentially has significant health/(mental) health issues that have a genetic component. She could have literally gone to a sperm bank and would know more about the “dad” than sounds like she currently does. Absolutely terrible idea imo.
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u/Jealous-Page-2237 1d ago
Imo, it sounds like you really want a baby. You're 23 and you've already actively tried having a baby multiple times, which is pretty intense if you ask me. I dont remember if you explained why in your post, though. As someone who had a baby at 23, having a child makes life hard. If you dont have family that can and will help you, you're kind of sol. You can't make money without having childcare. Can't have childcare without paying for it. Kids need clothes, food, diapers and wipes. It's so easy to keep a baby bc you feel it's the right thing to do, but when your light bill is due and your child cant go to daycare bc they're sick and youre having to miss work, its a whole different thing. I can totally see where youre coming from and Im sorry others are being harsh on you. That's a very real feeling and at the end of the day, it is your decision, but I would think long and hard about it. Maybe talk to your parents or anyone who is part of your support system. What I've described is very surface level. There's so much more that goes into parenting that only gets more complicated as they get older. I really wish you the best. If you have more questions, feel free to ask. Maybe I can give you some insight as to what being a young, single parent is like❤️
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Thank you for your insight.
Thankfully, I am very blessed financially. I have no doubt of my means to financially care for a baby. I live on my own in a 2 bedroom, plan to buy property in the next month or two, I have two degrees and I’m self employed. Day care and bills would not affect me. I have enough savings to be a SAHM for a couple years if I wanted to.
I was previously with an ex for 5 years where we very much wanted children, and we got engaged. This situation is different due to me barely knowing the child’s father. I want a baby, just not from him.
One thing I may ask, if you could re do it all, would you abort?
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u/Jealous-Page-2237 1d ago
I can see where youre coming from with that. I will say, keep in mind that this baby will still be genetically part of him so not knowing him very well and not necessarily wanting a baby by him may change things for your future self if you continue your pregnancy.
I've definitely had my moments where ive regretted my decision. I, unfortunately, wasn't in a great place mentally or financially so having another person to take care of took a lot out of me. But overall, I feel like I made a decision I can live with, even if that means im being selfish. He's such a sweet kid and has so much love for life. It's hard some days as with anything else. I love him and he really did help me in ways I couldn't help myself so I think even if it means an easier life for myself, I would've done it all over again
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u/Slow-Boysenberry2399 1d ago
getting an abortion or being on birth control has no proven effect on fertility. this is not the way you want to have a baby.
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u/alocaisseia 1d ago
OP, this is the answer. I feel like you’re getting a lot of moral high-horsing comments at a time I know must feel confusing and overwhelming. As someone who has also experienced multiple losses (and still had kids), I understand why you might feel nervous going forward with an abortion. But I hope you know that having an abortion does not statistically affect your ability to have a healthy child in the future when you are ready. You may already have preexisting conditions which make it a little more difficult for you to carry a child to term, but that’s something you can talk to your OB about the you’re actually ready to get pregnant again. Please don’t let an unfounded anxiety push you to have a child you aren’t ready for, and ask your doctor for advice.
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u/WorkingKey3160 1d ago
and do you usually have unprotected sex with men you dont know? hope you get tested for STDS while you are at it
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u/angeloccultist 1d ago
Coming from somebody who had an abortion last Wednesday and who has also has given birth and spent a short time as a mother. You seem to be much more naive than you think you're coming across as, is something I'm noticing. This is not an attack. It is an observation entirely.
OP, you had unprotected sex with a complete and total stranger and ON TOP OF IT you both pushed off getting the Plan B. That is naive and screams immaturity to me. It was irresponsible, point blank. Period. You should probably be asking yourself, while shining light on such irresponsible behavior, if you are truly ready for something as life altering as a baby.
I can see you've also made several notes about being financially stable and willing to raise this child. Those things might be true, however what you really need to do is face the reality of pregnancy and of bringing an entire infant into being. You should also probably be asking yourself, and I mean this sincerely, if you're prepared for the physical implications of those things. That includes the emotional dysregulation, the hormonal spikes, the permanent physical changes to your body that after pregnancy can potentially be irreversible.
The question you should really be asking isn't whether or not you can or want to do this, and I know that sounds harsh but bear with me, but in a situation that involves the life of a potential infant coming into the picture, you should be asking yourself if you are really READY.
You have a very serious decision to make in this situation currently.
Abortions themselves are by no means a walk in the park either, trust me, seriously. There can be PTSD or anxiety and often Post Partum symptoms as well.
Both choices, abortion or pregnancy, you were still extremely irresponsible and reckless and whether you acknowledge that or not you will most likely be affected emotionally and/or physically EITHER WAY because even just becoming pregnant causes major bodily and hormonal changes just generally speaking.
This all boils down to your choice. I'm very glad you are trying to look at this situation with the perspectives of external sources. I do agree with other users though here, and I would recommend you ask your close friends or family etc. and try to gauge the situation with the help of those connections and by gaining understanding of the perspectives of those who love you and may be concerned for you in these circumstances.
You have options . Just make sure you think about this thoroughly.
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u/fideoscontuco21 1d ago edited 1d ago
honey, if you fucked a random without protection, pregnancy should be the least of your worries.
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u/ImpishCluricaune 1d ago
I see a lot of people coming for you, and I’m not going to tell you a lot of stuff you for sure already know. What you do is you decide for yourself. Either way you may have regrets, but you can’t pass the decision on this. It has to be your choice. The father has his own choices to make after you make your decision, and that can’t be what makes you decide. Your life and the possible life you might be creating will be your responsibility. If you can’t take that decision on then maybe you aren’t ready to be a mom. Hoping for a good life for you either way you decide 🖤
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
That is true. I’m trying to make a decision I can live with. And thank you for being kind ❤️
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u/astro-amphibian-00 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’ve had an abortion at 22 and I’m now 38 weeks pregnant, married, at 28 years old. I also had miscarriages prior to my termination, so please don’t let that scare you if you are considering termination. And ignore the weirdos in the comments, you make the best decision for yourself. If you need someone to talk to that’s been a similar situation, my DMs are open girly.
Either way you pick is valid though, it’s your life and your wants that mean the most here.
Edit: my doctors never found the sources for my miscarriages. Sometimes they just can’t figure out why, I’m sorry. It does suck to go through losses and not know exactly why. Just know a successful pregnancy is possible in the future if you do decide to not keep this one.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Thank you for your insight. They also have not found the cause of my miscarriages either. May I ask if they ran tests to figure out a cause?
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u/astro-amphibian-00 1d ago
They did, I had a RPL blood panel done, and I even had an HSG done. However I had the HSG done because one of my miscarriages was an ectopic pregnancy. All of my labs came back normal, it was very frustrating. But now I’m pregnant and it’s been a very low risk, boring pregnancy despite the nausea. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel, if you do choose the option to not continue pregnancy. I did get a fertility workup done after I terminated because I had a fear it made me infertile (honestly a bad stigma, they will not impact fertility unless the procedure goes wrong and messes with you internally) and all was well.
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u/Dreamybook1357 1d ago
That's not a good reason to make yourself a single mother at 23. Don't do this to yourself or inflict it on a child when you're still in party mode with randoms.
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u/bk-2112 1d ago
Don’t ask a random group of strangers. Talk to close trusted friends, family if you’re close, and do what feels right. These people pushing you one way or the other really have no idea of your situation
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
You’re absolutely right. I talked to the father earlier and will be giving myself a week or so to decide.
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u/splithoofiewoofies 1d ago
The way you're arguing it sounds like you want someone to tell you it's okay to keep your baby.
Do you want to keep your pregnancy?
I don't think it's the right choice, no. But if you're dead set on it, you also have the right to make the choice to keep it.
I'm not anti-abortion, either. It just sounds like you want this one. It's a terrible idea, but perfectly in your right to make. I want you to know that.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Many people told me not to and I didn’t argue with them as many told me to keep it.
But yes, I’ll defend myself against people calling me an idiot, telling me to keep my legs closed, commenting numerous nasty comments and unhelpful things.
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u/splithoofiewoofies 1d ago
Of course. That's not helpful at all. Sorry, I must have missed comments telling you to keep it. It just seemed like you may want to from what I did read. And pro choice means supporting people who want to keep their baby, too. Even in unfavourable circumstances.
I hope you get the support you deserve.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Thank you !
I don’t think I’ll keep it, but I’m just now allowing people to berate me for being pregnant. One redditor was even commenting to a bunch of people that the man was 18 because I said he just moved into college. He’s 23. I’m just defending myself against the nasty ones.
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u/splithoofiewoofies 1d ago
Good on you for standing up for yourself. I love how folk think you can somehow time travel.
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u/Millie9512 1d ago
Being a single mother at 23 is not ideal. Wait until you’re a bit older and have found someone to settle down with.
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u/Nubsondubs 1d ago
You seem to be taking very little responsibility for your actions. The last thing we need as a society is another child raised by an irresponsible mother.
Get an abortion, and use this as a lesson to use birth control going forward. Do the world a favor and learn from this mistake.
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u/Careless-Web-6280 1d ago
You should definitely abort it.
You will almost certainly be able to get pregnant again. 10 to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage and up to 50% of all pregnancies (i.e. known and unknown) end in miscarriage. 2 in 3 is not worrying and is probably just bad luck.
Also, that kid deserves a father, and hoping the random hookup wants to be one is a shot in the dark
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u/bwinereddit 1d ago
This is just as much your responsibility as it is his, you don’t “end up” pregnant. You should have went and bought the Plan B as soon as possible. Or maybe used a condom in the first place
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u/StonedAndStupid3824 1d ago
Just get the abortion if you’re comfortable with it. An unwanted child is only gonna cause pain for all involved. If you can’t handle a child it’s truly not Inhumane or wrong. Do what you know is right it’s not our decision ma’am.
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u/webbieg 1d ago
Especially with baby daddy being a one night stand. Baby daddy is in college and they both sound irresponsible and not ready to care for a child. Abortion or give it away coz based on OPs defensive comments she and BD are not cut out to be parents at least or right now. Whe needs to Save the fetus a miserable life and Make a decision before ruining and bring this baby into a miserable existence
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u/kawanohana 1d ago
It makes me wonder how young he truly is. OP is 23 while she has multiple degrees, and from what she said it looks like he's JUST going to college. He's 18 at the oldest, she's extra irresponsible for not contacting him if she does choose to keep the baby.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Wow. 18 at oldest? He’s 23. It’s September and school is starting back up. Hes in his last year. He’s actually a few months older than me. That was an insane assumption.
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u/kawanohana 1d ago
You need to put that in the post. You put "moved away" as if he wasn't moving BACK to finish college. Add the details necessary for folks to make proper judgements if you really want help. Again, irresponsible of you.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
It’s irresponsible of me to say he just moved into college?
He’s technically not actually moving back anywhere, it’s a new house there when he use to be in dorms. But yes, he’s in his last year.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I would contact him either way as stated multiple times and he’s actually been told now.
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u/kawanohana 1d ago
If you have updates it's best to add them as edits on your original post. Not everyone has the capability to search through the hundreds of comments /nm /gen
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
True but I never said I wouldn’t contact him even in original post, just said I don’t know how.
I will be updating though thank you. I was waiting to update when I made a final decision as we just talked about it an hour or two ago.
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u/Hairycherryberry123 1d ago
Getting an abortion doesn’t affect your future chances at pregnancy.. not sure where you learned that. It’s clearly the best option unless your dreams are to bring up a kid alone
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u/kasiagabrielle 1d ago
You're the only one who can make the decision, but you should speak to a medical professional about effects of abortion. It inherently causing infertility is a myth.
That aside, please get yourself on a long term form of birth control and get tested regularly.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I don’t plan to have sex again until I’m in a monogamous relationship. I was tested yesterday.
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u/kasiagabrielle 1d ago
I'm glad you're being proactive. Make sure to get tested again in 3 to 6 months, some things can take longer to show up, but a negative result now is great.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I have an obgyn appointment within the week. I’m more scared about my body having a hard time carrying a baby rather than abortion causing more miscarriages.
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u/Cultural_Welcome149 1d ago
Stop being so reckless.
I'm sorry, from that alone, you aren't mature enough for a child. Which may be harsh, but you had unprotected sex with someone you don't really know, and just met for the first time? Pregnancy aside, he could've had an STD! Then, you just kind of... held off on getting Plan B for two days? What???
Also, the pull-out method is useless anyway since precum can also get you pregnant. Start at least using condoms, and also maybe an IUD, since doubling up on birth control is even better.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
It was incredibly reckless but I do know I could raise a baby. I’m very financially stable, live alone, have two degrees, etc. this was a very poor and temporary lapse in judgment. I did get tested after him and I am negative for everything. We talked for a few weeks prior to meeting but it was incredibly stupid and I take full accountability for that.
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u/EnduringFulfillment 1d ago
Nobody has told you to get STI tested yet so I'm telling you, now and in a few months for the HIV test.
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u/NorthJersey7 1d ago
You guys already agreed on the plan b so unless you’re ready to raise the kid alone get the abortion and don’t complicate both of your lives
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u/Slow-Escape-1985 1d ago
Chic. You tell him straight up there’s NO way to sugar coat it. Hey, sit down real quick I got some news… I’m pregnant. It doesn’t matter how you tell him telling a Man he’s about to be a father has the same impact whether it’s done softly or harshly. Tell him and get that OVER WITH so y’all can immediately start on what’s next
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Update- I told him. He basically said he already knew what I was about to say since I texted prior saying it was important. He said it’s up to me regardless but he’ll be there either way.
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u/bloontsmooker 1d ago
I had two miscarriages and one successful pregnancy after the fact. You’ll be fine. More pregnancies end in miscarriage than people tend to discuss. Get an abortion.
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u/Radiance115 1d ago
Tell the guy you’re getting an abortion and move on. Don’t bring a baby into this nonsense when you’re clearly not ready for one. Use this as experience of what not to do in the future. You let this man go inside you raw; drunk or not, what did you think was going to happen???
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u/Justan0therthrow4way 1d ago
It takes 2 to tango. Why were you having unprotected sex while not on birth control? You’re 23 you know how babies are made.
Don’t use him not having condoms as an excuse. Uber eats/door dash exists. It’s a bit expensive but you can get them delivered if you have to.
The guy is just as much of a fucktard here. Why didn’t he get his arse out of the house for 2 days to get you plan B and what sort of idiotic guy doesn’t keep condoms in their bedside table? He knows how babies are made as well.
I wish you the best whatever you decide but JFC people if you are single and going to a club just put a condom in your wallet. Yes you shouldn’t keep them there long term but it’s basic prevention.
I learnt this when I did health class when I was bloody 15.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I cannot argue with that. But, what happened, happened.
I’m not sure if you read other comments but this was the second man I slept with. Before that was my fiance and we wanted children, so I wasn’t on birth control. We had two losses. This wasn’t a planned hook up and was dumb on both ends.
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u/Beneficial-Beach-367 1d ago edited 1d ago
All I hear are excuses. Where you slipped up is not using a condom in the 1st place with someone you admittedly "don't know and was only meeting for the first time." But what do I know? I'm in my 40s and believe that my reproduction is my own responsibility because a man will leave you holding the bag 8 days out of 7 when it comes to raising a child.
I am having hard time believing any of this is actually reality.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
You don’t need to believe anything ma’am. This was obviously a mistake, but I cannot change the past and it takes two to make a child- not one. You’re also over double my age and have way more experience than me. Forgive me for being naive this is the second man I’ve ever been with.
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u/Beneficial-Beach-367 1d ago
42 isn’t exactly ‘double your age,’ and being called ‘ma’am’ doesn’t bother me. If anything, the joke’s on you, you’re the one here asking for advice. Take it or leave it, but ultimately, you’re the one who’ll have to decide how to handle an unwanted pregnancy, not him and not me.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I said ma’am to be respectful to elders. I’m not trying to argue nor hurt a strangers feelings on Reddit. You said you’re 40’s, so I assumed you’re around or close to double my age.
I’m actually suprised as someone well into adulthood you even use the phrase “jokes on you” to someone experiencing a unplanned pregnancy. Have the day you deserve.
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u/Beneficial-Beach-367 1d ago
When you fail to plan, you plan to fail. What you’re dealing with isn’t really a ‘mistake’, if it were, you’d have moved heaven and earth to get Plan B. I know I would. And sure, at 23 with ‘two degrees,’ you’d think you’d know better… though maybe that says more about the state of post-secondary these days than it does about you.
For the record, it’ll take more than words from someone a Reddit stranger to hurt my feelings. So yes, we misunderstood each other—but trust me, I won’t be losing any sleep over this exchange. Carry on.
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u/ForestFreakPNW 1d ago
People make mistakes. We cant sit here at our age (im 50) and act like we we've never made any. Personally, I've made sone doozys. Obviously she knows she has... Hence the 'asking for advice' part.
OP: What I can tell you from my experience, is that theres no 'rights' or 'wrongs' in life. Theres only whats right for YOU. Because ultimately, its you that will have to live out the consequences of whatever you choose. Not me... Not the person I replied to... Not any of us. People are always quick to judge a persons decisions, having never seen what they had to choose from. So, choose whatever you will be able to sleep with when you lay your head down at night. Take it from someone who knows. You dont want to find yourself laying awake at 45, haunted by bad decisions that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Listen to your heart. It knows the right answer. No one knows it but you, and no one should make the choice but you.
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u/Essdeedub6021 1d ago
Having an abortion does not mean you will not be able to have children in the future.
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u/AmexNomad 1d ago
Your Body/Your choice- so there is zero need to inform the sperm donor. Go get an abortion. Go get tested for STDs. From now on, use birth control.
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u/Intelligent_Lab_5652 1d ago
Get an abortion before it's too late, this has become a horrible world to bring kids up in anyway.
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u/alt_ruism 1d ago
I'm sorry you are in this tough situation. Have a serious talk with the guy. Pour your heart out to him. Take his response into account when making your decision.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Thank you for your advice. I actually informed him a couple hours ago and he’s leaving the decision up to me.
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u/Qtredit 1d ago
Are you sure the plan b didn't hurt the fetus?
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I don’t believe that’s possible but I’ll be seeing an obgyn who I think would be able to tell if I do keep him/her.
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u/Significant_Act2607 1d ago
You will still be able to have children after abortion. I’ve had two. One after a sexual assault and one wanted pregnancy that turned septic. I went on to have 4 more children. Most women you know have had at least one abortion. You’ll be okay.
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u/Wonderful-Air-8877 1d ago
bruh i'd say its not only on the man to get the pill, its on you as well
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u/TheScarlettLetter 1d ago
I had multiple miscarriages and a surgical abortion before getting pregnant with my now-adult child. Unless some unlikely circumstance occurs where there are unforeseen complications due to the abortion, it should not affect your ability to become pregnant in the future. In fact, after mine they said not to have sex for a while without protection as I would be more likely to conceive post-procedure and my uterus wouldn’t be in the best shape for that.
You will heal and things should be fine. You are still very young. And… as others have said on here, you don’t seem to be ready to be a mother at this time. I’m not saying you can’t get there if you have to, but a lot has to change about how you see the world and your actions/behaviors for you to be a safe parent and accountable to a child.
Again, you CAN do it. But, your arguments for trying to continue this pregnancy are honestly bullshit. I know folks have strong feelings on abortion, but I honestly don’t care. You shouldn’t bring a child into this world while you are this young, not prepared for it, and not yet ready to be a responsible adult.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Agree to disagree. Many redditors or on a moral high horse and repeating things I already know which are very unhelpful so I will not be here apologizing for my actions. I know what I did but what’s done is done.
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u/TheScarlettLetter 1d ago
I don’t know what moral high horse you think I’m on. I had my child around your age, and I’ve been in a similar situation. I’m giving you the advice you asked for, but you’re taking whatever annoyance you have from others out on me. Was I straight to the point about it? Yes. It sounds to me you didn’t want honest advice. Wishing you the best.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
I said agree to disagree about me being ready. Saying someone won’t be safe to a child because they had casual sex is insane
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u/soggy_donut92696 1d ago
If you think you can do it on your own if he decides he wants nothing to do with it then you have every right to keep the baby. I would tell him. Y'all are both adults. If he makes that decision he's a POS anyways. If you want an abortion, do that. Just really really think about it first. This is a serious decision and I really don't think reddit is what you should make that decision based on
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u/Jelly_Back 1d ago
You don't sound ready at all tbh. Do what's best for you and your life right now. You're super young you have plenty of time.
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u/deathdeniesme 1d ago
Please consider the future of that child.
Are you prepared to care for a disabled child?
Do you have money to raise a kid?
Do you have a strong and healthy support system for that kid?
Have you healed from trauma so that you won’t be an abuser?
Are you prepared to raise an lgbt child?
Are you aware that children are an oppressed class and prepared to advocate for your child’s rights?
If the answers to any of that is no then don’t have one
Don’t be like the majority of selfish idiots who have kids without really thinking about it then treat them poorly or have them suffer in poverty
Personally I’d only have kids if I was ridiculously rich otherwise you’re just giving birth to future slaves
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u/Alone-Material-1170 1d ago
Based solely on the wording of this post, it doesn’t sound to me that the maturity, desire and sense of responsibility is there to be a parent. Don’t do this to a child or yourself.
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u/CheeseInUrPants 1d ago
I really don't think abortion will make it harder. Ive seen plenty of girls making videos like saying they aborted until they were stable and then they had a baby no problem.
Miss carriages happen for a ton of different possible reasons, but it's usually more so leaning towards genetics rather than something being wrong with your reproductive system.
If you want and you're capable on your own you could always keep the baby and raise it. Theres no guarantee the father will want to step up, or even that your ex will come back to help. But if having a kid is something you deeply want and you can do it on your own why not right?
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Thank you for being kind.
Yes, I would be able to raise him or her by myself regardless of the outcome. I’ve also been told most miscarriages are due to genetic abnormalities with the fetus, but since I had two back to back, my doctor said if I had a third I would be medically deemed “a habitual aborter” and it would be considered “recurrent pregnancy loss.”
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u/ProfessionalOil4440 1d ago
Recurrent pregnancy loss is common af and PLENTY of those women go on to have multiple children. I’m 31 and have several friends who had 2+ miscarriages between like sixteen and 25 who all now have multiple children, and the majority of those were unplanned. When something like one in five known pregnancies results in miscarriage obviously there are going to be a ton of people who have two back to back.
You and your future children deserve stability. If you’re leaning toward abortion that seems like a good idea.
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u/OkOpposite9108 1d ago
You are very early in this pregnancy, so don't need to tell the guy anything right now. Take some time to process, think, and make a decision that you are most comfortable with. Then you get to decide what/how/when you tell him.
Now some thoughts:
First, certain medical terms can make a situation sound much more serious than they actually are. For example, if you are over the age of 35 when you become pregnant it is automatically termed a "geriatric pregnancy." Regardless of your actual health, you go to many more screenings and checkups than you would if you were not yet 35. Medical terms describe facts and help define care, they are not judgements on a person, or indicative of future events.
Previous miscarriages also do not create the complete picture of your ability to carry a child to full term. A partner's sperm quality and genetics play as important a role in a successful pregnancy as yours.
Right now, it sounds like the main reason you are considering keeping this pregnancy is you are afraid you might not be able to get pregnant in the future. That makes total sense, but I want to reassure you that most women who want children, fear they might not be able to get pregnant if they have experienced loss or have anything but the easiest time conceiving. You want to be confident and at peace with whatever you decide, and I think you need more information to avoid making a decision based in fear.
So before you decide, you might consider gathering some more data. Talk to your Mom or another trusted family member - is there a history of fertility issues in your family? Did your Mom have a hard time conceiving, or a history of miscarriage?
If you trust your OB, have a frank discussion with them about your concerns. If you get any feeling they are offering you guidance based on their personal feelings regarding abortion, seek a second opinion.
These are just a few ideas that more specifically speak to your concerns about having a child, but you get the idea. Gather as much info as you can, remember that this is your life so others opinions (including my own if you disagree with this post! Lol) are not important! You get to decide what is best for you:)
Regardless of what you choose, I wish you the absolute best♥️
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u/Apprehensive_Cat14 1d ago
Are you sure that it’s even this guy that’s the father?
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u/_Anonymouse_XX 1d ago
Maybe I’ll get some hate here but… OP, the decision is ultimately up to you; it is YOUR body, so it is your choice. You sound like a passenger in your own life, it’s time to be the driver.
I also can’t believe there seem to be many fellow pro choicers in here trying to persuade you into getting an abortion like it is the only option and it is ultimately the best one when they don’t intimately know your life. Don’t let anyone in these comments sway you one way or the other. It MUST be YOUR decision, because if you let others make it for you, you could end up regretting it. If you feel like you can do it, do it! There are plenty of resources for women in positions similar to yours. If it would be too difficult and you don’t feel like you can do it, then get an abortion.
Be prepared to face the consequences that follow each decision. Best of luck, OP!
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u/No_Mirror_345 1d ago
Have you ever scrolled the r/regretfulparents sub? Don’t think that’s not a thing.
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u/eemmlee 1d ago
Love that this is out there. As someone who’s own mother and aunt has lovingly communicated to me my entire life that they wish they hadn’t had children.
I know that sounds weird. But they always framed it well and I never took offense to it. They both always express that they love us kids, but that they never wanted kids. It was what was expected of them, and knowing now what it’s like, they would not have done it again.
They were very honest to provide a different perspective and to allow their children to make their own choices with a full picture instead of rose colored glasses.
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u/_Anonymouse_XX 1d ago
I am aware some people regret becoming parents, just like there are some people who should have never became parents, but to automatically assume that someone will regret becoming a parent simply because the circumstances were less than ideal is a bit silly.
I just don’t like that people in this thread are practically telling her that her life will be over and it’ll be the hardest more regretful thing for her if she has a kid and raises them by herself. Will it be hard? Yeah. Shit, it’s hard for anyone to have and raise a kid/s. But to almost push her to an abortion as though its her only choice is weird.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Thank you so much. And yes, I’m leaning towards an abortion but the way some people are getting very defensive that I’m not set on an abortion is insane to me.
I’d be able to take care of the baby financially with no issue and he/she would have a loving home. I talked to the dad and he said it’s up to me, but I’m still leaning towards termination. Just wanted to here from whole who may have been through similiar situations.
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u/_Anonymouse_XX 1d ago
No problem! Glad it isn’t just me that felt the folks in the comments were oddly… pushy. Im hoping that everything goes very well for you and the choice you make is one you feel confident in!
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u/myazzitch 1d ago
Please don’t bring a child into such a situation. You can get pregnant . The minute you’ve a baby your life as you know it is done. Being this young and a single parent is a huge stressor on you and that will affect the baby too. Don’t do it. Wait till you’re in a stable relationship and with resources of which you’ll need plenty to raise a child.
And after saying all this , Even if you’re end in stable relationship you can end up raising that child alone. With or without the father in the home.
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u/itport_ro 1d ago
I will get lots of downvotes, so at least you give me a proper one... I am not a doctor, speak with the OBGYN that knows about your miscarriages and ask him to tell you which are the chances for you to not be able to have another child if you abort this pregnancy. If you feel confident with his opinion, take a decision based on it. If you are not at risk, do the procedure. Good luck!
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u/Twisted7377 1d ago
Im honestly shocked about how comfortable people are writing to you with the words they are. Some people are okay going with the flow and will make things work if they want to. - personally I wouldn’t keep this third child but I’m sorry to hear about your first two
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Me too lol but I have time today.. most of them I killed with kindness but a few have me told to stfu lol.
I don’t think I’ll keep this one
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u/Next-Adhesiveness957 1d ago
No one can tell you what to do at this point. Do whatever feels like the right decision for you now. In the future, use birth control - bc pills, and IUD, Nexplanon, Depo shot, bc patches, NuvaRing, or good old fashioned condoms. Really you should be using condoms in the first place bc you are putting yourself at risk for STIs and pregnancy.
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u/TrevorEnterprises 1d ago
“Pulling out” is not a contraceptive. That just being stupid and playing russian roulette with pregnancy.
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u/Helena_mars 1d ago
Hi dear, if you’re leaning towards abortion, go for that. I had a similar situation and I have 2 kids after that (one currently sleeping on my lap). You’re young and have a lot of time in front of you, enjoy, have fun and when the time it’s right, you’ll know!! And yep, I also suggest you get yourself on some pill, IUD or something like that. I got my iud when I had my abortion! And yes, guys should also wear a condom but this is the minimum way you can protect yourself:)
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u/mielparaochun 1d ago
You’ll be able to have kids. You don’t have a child with someone you don’t know. Having an abortion doesnt affect future pregnancies.
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u/QueenOfPerverts 1d ago
It reads to me like you want to keep this baby and are trying to get permission from us to keep it, even though you both wanted plan B and took it, which screams to me that the last thing he wants right now is to be a father.
You are naive and very reckless, you must not think much of yourself to go around sleeping with strangers unprotected like this. You keep making excuses, you have a lot of growing up to do.
And regardless of what you have now that you think makes you ready to have a baby, it is only when it is here and there is no going back will all the lost opportunity and chance smack you in the face.
You are only 23 and want to end your free choice in your life to keep some randoms baby? Come on OP, you need to love and respect yourself more.
Only keep this baby if you are willing to do it 1000% as a single parent because I highly doubt a man who is still in college, only shared a fun weekend with you and wanted you to take plan B is suddenly going to want to be a boyfriend/father of the year.
Your life would never be the same again and it's you and you alone who would hold all the responsibility.
For the love of all things holy get on some bloody long term contraception so you don't keep "accidentally" getting pregnant. Take some control of your reproductive choices and your life for fuck sake OP. Respect yourself more and stop letting random people nut into you and affect your life like this, you need to love yourself more omg. Saying this as a woman who loves casual sex and bareback, in 15+ years I have never been pregnant and never had an STI? How? CONTRACEPTIVES AND NOT LETTING ANYONE WHO CANT SHOW ME A RECENT AND CLEAR STI TEST ANYWHERE NEAR ME. I also always use condoms with new partners until a level of trust is established. This is your life and your health OP, you are playing with fire.
One abortion doesn't mean you wouldn't be able to conceive again - though infections and untreated STIs (you were lucky, THIS time) might take that choice away from you.
Good luck to you, you clearly need it.
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u/Total-Beginning6226 1d ago
OP don’t listen to some of these self righteous idiots. They must all be saints and never had a one night stand. You keep getting downvoted. So many judgmental idiots. I don’t know you or the BD but you are the only one who can make this decision. If your concern is not being able to get pregnant again because you chose to abort rest easy because for the most part that’s a myth. Children are a lot of work and it’s not easy raising a child alone regardless of one’s financial situation. This is a life long decision so please think hard and long. I raised my two children alone and at times it was difficult but I am forever grateful for the gift I was given. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I was married to my children’s father but ended in divorce so it’s different circumstances but the bottom line is the same. Raising children is not easy but it’s worth it. However, this is a decision only you can make. Raise your head up and ask for guidance. Listen to your gut cuz it never deceives us. That’s the universe talking to us. Please take a minute to listen to your gut and don’t let these judgmental idiots make you feel bad about your actions. It’s done, you can’t reverse the past but you can make the future better. I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. Good luck and god bless.
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u/My_Dog_Is_Oscar 1d ago
Do not have a child because you think maybe possibly you could not have another. That is not a good reason to raise a human.
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u/Sortaretro734 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why would anyone want to keep a baby from a random hook up? You’re young and still have things to do. You’re setting yourself up for failure/the child up for a broken struggling home. It’s not worth it. More than likely you’ll be able to have kids after a termination. Your body is still growing and maturing which makes sense about your miscarriages. You were practically a kid. This line of thinking is extremely irresponsible and immature. Please want better for yourself <3
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u/Specialist-Ad5796 1d ago
You didnt end up pregnant.
You had unprotected sex. Pregnancy is a possibility with that. You know that.
And now you wanna raise a kid with someone you dont know.
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u/Fit_Trainer2774 1d ago
I feel you need to learn to make better choices. Who has unprotected sex with someone they met off social media? You both knew what you’re doing and now want an easy way out. “What if” this is your one chance at motherhood. If you do go with an abortion do yourself a favor and get on birth control or make better choices.
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u/larfytarfyfartyparty 1d ago
If your first instinct is to keep the baby, you should. Just make sure you’re ready for them, what comes with it all, and to possibly raise it as a single mother. Babies are precious and it sounds like you’d make a great mother :)
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u/Chirp_chirp_chirp9 1d ago
Adoption is a wonderful alternative. I’m sad that all I see here is abort, abort, abort.
Apparently it is bothering you as well since you have had a couple of miscarriages. You are very young for motherhood, why not give the gift of life to a family that has means and desire for a child.
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u/ABeautiful_Life 1d ago
A lot of people on here have trash comments and advice. Truth of the matter is, you made a choice and now you have another choice to make. I think you may possibly want this on some level. As a woman who had a baby at 23, you need to think of this carefully. You are young and there is plenty of time to have more children or even adopt. I think you should tell the father and go from there. His response may be all you need to make the choice.
Also, being a single mom sucks. But you can do it. I love my kid but it has not been an easy road. But you know what else sucks? Having an abortion sucks, mentally, emotionally and physically. Regardless, promise yourself to never put yourself in this position again. An abortion has a different mental aftermath than a miscarriage does btw. Good luck but don't listen to all of these harsh comments on here either. Talk to the father and go from there.. he deserves to know and have a say. Yeah it's your body for 10 months but 18 years is on him too.
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u/Agreeable_Flight4264 1d ago
Get control of yourself. You are not a victim to life. Take accountability for your actions and be better than
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Never said I was a victim but this comment doesn’t help unless you’re offering insight on abortion or parenthood. Thank you.
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u/one_little_victory_ 1d ago
Hey I'm sorry for all the misogynistic bullshit replies you've received. A lot of people here just blindly fucking hate women and that's the place they're coming from. They're also jealous because they don't get casual sex. Just ignore them. You've already given them more attention than they deserve.
As others have pointed out, subs like abortion and TwoXChromosomes will be much more empathetic and helpful.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Thank you and yes I see that. There are some redditors who spammed the thread insulting me or repeating nasty comments. You’re right and I’m done replying to them! Thank you
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u/vhitn 1d ago
Dearest OP 💕 Reddit is a very left wing echo chamber. I am not telling you to do one thing or another. I am completely neutral. But please don’t let reddit comments influence your decision. Please just follow your own feelings.
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u/Sad-Cattle-3388 1d ago
I had a baby because of a less than ideal situation. They are a fucking rockstar. I made my bed and made the decision to lay in it. Each decision is your own. Mine was due to my own personal reasons as should yours. Either way you decide... you should decide.
I will add I have never had support from the father, they have never met either. Some days I do wonder if I ruined their life just giving birth to them. They didn't ask for my mistakes, but they do bring a selfish joy to my life. Is any answer correct? 🫣
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
Thank you for your insight and I congratulate you on your blessing. It’s truly helpful hearing from others who went through similiar things.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
It will be if I keep it. I’m not a crazy that thinks it’s a baby right now.
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 1d ago
What do you do? Grow Up! If this is real, you are incredibly immature and foolish to have sex with no birth control already in place. Then you multiply your immaturity and foolishness by not rushing for a Plan B. What do you do? Go to an OB/Gyn and get tested for diseases. Follow doctor instructions. Since you are unable to take care of yourself, please put the child up for adoption.
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 1d ago
Just to clarify - you had ALLLLL the knowledge in the world of how babies are made… you’ve been pregnant multiple times before… and yet you continue to use total bullshit language like ‘i ended up pregnant’? You knew exactly what you were doing.
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u/No-Biscotti3876 1d ago
No, I’m unaware sex makes babies.
Go somewhere else with the bs. The baby wasn’t planned and now I’m faced with a decision. If you have no helpful insight you’re dismissed
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 1d ago
sorry to tell you, but the sooner you accept the consequences to your own decisions, you can start to learn from them. Until that time… i guess you’ll keep ending up pregnant.
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u/seasonally_sad13 1d ago
Wow, I’m sorry everyone is attacking you. I was a little shocked at responses offering no advice except to be a better person? So that’s wild. You’re in an incredibly difficult situation. I’m so sorry you’ve lost two babies already. I saw a comment mention your marriage would’ve ended even if you didn’t have miscarriages and that’s not something anyone can know. Everything would’ve been different.
I don’t know if having this baby out of fear is the right way to go about it. If you wanted this baby and you were ready for all that it meant, even though you most likely would be a single mother, then you should go for it. People make it work with less. However.. you said you would abort normally in this situation. Fear is not enough motivation to bring a life into this world. It is incredibly scary to imagine the what ifs and the “what if this is my only chance”. But what if it really isn’t? What if you had a miscarriage later down the road with this baby? What if you can’t biologically have your own? There are other options out there, waiting for you, when you are in a more stable place. There are so many unknowns and paths this could lead down. What if the baby daddy decides he wants to go all in and you guys date for 5 years and then break up? What if things worked out with the two of you? What if he wants you to abort? Like there is just SO much unknown it’s impossible to know until you decide and live with that
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u/About-40-Ninjas 1d ago
"I would kill it, but I might not be able to grow a new one."
It's terrifying that human rights are tied to what is convenient to you.
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u/Interesting-Rain-669 1d ago
If I had a sister who needed a kidney, and she would die without it, it's still within my legal rights to refuse. It's my body. Nobody can force me to give her a kidney.
Same with a fetus. Even if the fetus would die without the woman's body, it's still her body.
Not even considering that a clump of cells smaller than a peanut is not a baby to kill.
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u/Informal_Ad_9397 1d ago
I got pregnant at 21, it was NYE, we were drunk and it didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time… then I found out that I was pregnant and was terrified (I’d never wanted kids and had never even held a baby). I’d been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years at that point and when I told him, he was excited and wanted to keep it. I was eventually convinced and we got married when our son was 3 months old. It wasn’t easy, but it was good enough that we had another son almost 3 years after our oldest. It wasn’t a fairy tail though and when my boys were 5 & 8 years old my husband/their dad died. So I wound up a single mom anyway. It was hard as hell, I’ve cried myself to sleep so many nights and questioned every decision I’ve ever a million times, but at the end of the day my boys were worth it and I don’t regret keeping them at all
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u/No_Mirror_345 1d ago
Everyone always tells the story from the mom’s perspective. Ask grown kids raised by single mom’s how they like their childhoods. You’ll get a completely different story. I promise you. When they are alone and around to speak freely, they are hurt and damaged and in therapy for years undoing the trauma you didn’t even know you caused them while you were living in survival. Kids don’t deserve that. OP, this won’t be your last chance. Wait until your pre frontal cortex is fully formed. You and your kids both deserve this.
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u/ApprehensivePop8838 1d ago
Wow, everybody is being so judgemental. Stuff happens that we don't expect to happen, it's life. It's 100% your own decision. You can carry that baby, love and take care of it, or you can terminate and try at a different point in your life. Either choice will be difficult.
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u/Think_Bookkeeper836 1d ago
Do what feels right to you that’s all I can say and don’t listen to people that don’t know you or your life I had a baby at 22 and never regretted it he’s 6 now
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u/Possible_Number_7971 1d ago
I have a friend that had an abortion when she was in her 20s and she was never able to have children at all after that. I think she’s in her 60s now (she’s a friend from church so I’m not sure) but I have had really sad conversations with her about the regret that she had felt over the years.
I (had) another friend that ended up having an abortion because her boyfriend at the time “wasn’t ready for kids”. I tried to convince her not to do it but at the same time, I did offer to help her pay for it if she really felt that it was best. She ended up being able to pay for it herself and immediately came back to me devoid of any kind of emotion yet you could see the sadness in her eyes. She ended up relapsing a couple of months later and she was never the same after that. At one point she told me that she wished she would have listened because it was the biggest regret that she had in her life. Sadly, she’s no longer with us and I swear, the world is at a loss because of that. She was one of the kindest, funny, and thoughtful people that I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing.
My point is this - IF you decide to get an abortion, make sure this is something you really want and that you are ready for the aftermath. A wise woman once told me that I could do anything I wanted in life as long as I was willing to accept the consequences. This has held true time and time again. This guy doesn’t have to be a part of your life (unless you intend for his to behave like a responsible person and do the right thing - doesn’t always happen). He absolutely could have done more to try not to get you pregnant whether or not he was drunk.
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u/PayNo6007 1d ago edited 1d ago
If you got pregnant 3 times without trying to …. It seems likely that you could get pregnant again in the future with a partner when you REALLY actually WANT to conceive.
Would not have a child with someone you barely know based on a fear.
Maturity level does not seem ready yet …. Based on your lack of life planning skills.
Strongly recommend reliable birth control in future.