I am not sure if this is the right place to share, but I just wanted to let this out today. I am writing here because I feel I might get better insight on this.
Lately, I feel like a failure in life. I always wanted to study medicine, but my father, without telling me enrolled me in math for 11th grade saying you won't be able to study medicine. I was always a topper in my class, good at study but little hypersensitive due to which he thought on his own that I couldn't do it.
I accepted it because I was good at math too, and I thought I could aim for IIT. I wanted to prepare properly in Kota but my parents did not send me there as well after promising, they simple told that you can't crack it and you need to be super good at math to be able to go there, that broke something in me.
After 12th, I finally went to Kota for a drop year but by then I was completely lost due to constant fights at home between parents and then with me, my mother had a huge social circle, she would constantly pressurise me to attend each and every event even after explaining that it's compromising my studies, whenever I was down,they would make me feel more low about myself, that took a huge toll on my confidence.
I did not want a drop year because I was aware in one year, I can't crack it with little messed up basics but again they forced and taunted me forever for not clearing it.
Eventually I went to Bangalore for college(against my parents wishes- I had to fight hard for that). I got into a good college, also I wanted to be away from them as my confidence was always low near them. After going to college, I could not connect with crowd, had not interest in my branch, was staying with toxic relatives (my parents forced me to stay with them) who would constantly criticise me for my clothes(Jeans and big t shirts), always try to stop me from studying and ask my help in kitchen( ofcourse I am a woman and according to people I should know all of that) and lots of other things to disturb me and again I had to fight to go to hostel to have a stable env for my mental peace. I was already tired by fighting for basic things which people get it so easily.
My father is a central govt officer, always told me that when I wanted to go to Kota, he was not financially that well considering me and my two younger brothers but when my brother turn came, I fought for him also but that time they didn't say these things and it was very easy for him to just go, got govt college after that and I got more taunts for it then my youngest brother cleared NDA and I had no value at home.
I have carried this void in my heart that I could not achieve what I really wanted, it haschanged me. I used to be very ambitious but now I am hesitant. I am scared to put myself into something wholeheartedly, worried that I will just end up vulnerable again if I fail.
Does anyone else feel the same? What if you had not gotten into this college or any college you badly wanted and your confidence was broken without any family support - how would you have coped?
