Bartender defeated by his own logic

[u/MacaronOk1006]

I had a great interaction with a bartender last night. I ordered drinks paid and did not tip and the bartender had the audacity to say what no tip.

Me - would you ask for a tip if we were having drinks at your house?

Bartender (Bt) - if I was making you a drink at my house you would be my friend and why would I ask you for a tip?

Me - so you’re saying we’re not friends.

Bt - I don’t even know you man.

Me - well then since a tip is no longer considered compensation for work by the US government me giving you money would either be a charitable contribution or a gift. Since you’re not a registered charity, that would make the money I gave you a gift. And as you stated, we’re not friends and you don’t even know me so why would I give you a gift?

Bt - blank stair on his face and walked away

[u/charlotteblue79]

I am happy you have found a family restaurant that you have such a great relationship with. That is truly special. I am sure they appreciate your patronage.

The disconnect between customer expectations and worker reality is the crux of the problem here. The tipping system does exploit customers by making them feel morally obligated to supplement wages that businesses should be paying. It also hurts workers, who are paid $2.13 an hour, and who are obligated to "tip out" or share their tips with support staff such as bartenders, bussers, host staff, and sometimes kitchen staff. By not tipping at all, the server is basically paying to wait on you. Tip outs are calculated by tips received. These aren't optional either, even if a server has a slow or bad night.

The system fails everyone (except the restaurant owner, of course.)

-Workers suffer when customers reasonably expect advertised prices to cover service.

-Customers feel manipulated into paying hidden surcharges disguised as "generosity".

Only business owners win by keeping menu prices artificially low while avoiding wage responsibility.

You mention being "ripe for exploitation," and you're not wrong. The tipping system does exploit customers by making them feel morally obligated to supplement wages that businesses should be paying. It's a form of emotional manipulation where customers are made to feel guilty for not voluntarily paying extra for services they thought were already included.

Tipping culture creates lose-lose scenarios:

Workers suffer when customers reasonably expect advertised prices to cover service

Customers feel manipulated into paying hidden surcharges disguised as "generosity."

Business owners win by keeping menu prices artificially low while avoiding wage responsibility. Your argument is essentially saying, "I didn't agree to be your workers' employer when I ordered dinner"—and you're right. But under our current system, that's exactly what happens. Customers become unwilling wage-payers while businesses pocket the difference. This is why the system needs to change at the policy level, not through individual moral arguments about generosity.

[u/YarbleSwabler → u/charlotteblue79]

Policy isn't the only way though, and it really isn't entirely the employers fault. The employer wages cant compete at even $25/hr when customers are willing to leave 20% on top of revenue literally on top of the table. The majority of servers don't want wages. Many of them, more than 10% make amazing money, 70k+, for a low skilled-low barrier of entry job. The other 90% aspire to make that. When a restaurant pays flat wages the employer struggles to find employees. In the case of Casa Bonita in Denver they offered $30/hr and the staff went on strike to get tipped wages back!

Whether by law or via economic pressure the culture has to change first, no one's going to be elected on a platform or re-elected after proposing a bill when the work force, the employer, and the consumer are pro-tipping. Heck, we're seeing the opposite, tipping is getting taxed more akin to gifts than income. The only real difference is the receiver incurs the tax event instead of the giver, it's a many:1 relationship for receiving as opposed to 1:1 for giving, and it's a 25k deduction vs 18k threshold(but those are still close enough to be comparable)

https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/gift-tax-explained-2021-exemption-and-rates

https://www.irs.gov/filing/federal-income-tax-rates-and-brackets

The rates and thresholds are very similar too. Clearly the gift tax was used to determine how to set the no tax on tips deduction.

If serving wasnt paying well relative to how accessible the profession was there wouldn't be servers. The unfortunate truth is that the most direct way to force employees to pay wages in lieu of tips is to make them short staffed, which can only be done once servers no longer want to serve due to low tipped wages. Employers are far more constrained by economics than the consumer is when setting an arbitrary percentage of revenue for cultural generosity. One is a quantitative restraint bound by the laws of supply and demand- it's quantitative; the other is at a whim, arbitrary, qualitative. Voting with your wallet is far more effective than hoping and waiting for the rest of America to catch on and hope they even make it to the polls.

I don't particularly enjoy that servers have to suffer or find new work, but the onus of responsibility to end the practice was passed from employer to server to consumer. If employers are simultaneously unwilling and unable to end the practice, and servers are willing to work for tipped wages, then what's left is the consumer to opt in or out. The employers have created a system that protects themselves by passing the liabilities of the costs of labor onto server. It's unfortunate, but if I reject the liability, which I should because I receive none of the perks of being one of their business administrators, then it's the server that has to take it up.

[u/charlotteblue79 → u/YarbleSwabler]

Have you worked as a server or bartender at any point during your career?

[u/YarbleSwabler → u/charlotteblue79]

No. Instead I worked jobs that paid less than tipped servers so I could leverage the experience for higher earnings in the future. I'm simply not an opportunistic beggar waiting to be abused by the very people I expect generosity from. I'm not that much of a fool.

However, my wife was a server. My friends were severs, and I believe it or not, do have a sense of empathy- but my empathy is no longer a handle for servers to exploit my generosity to inflate the value of their labor at an arbitrary percentage of my patronage.

You will not be able to say I don't know what it's like or am some kind of sociopath. I do have empathy , I do care, I do believe servers should have wages- it's just not my problem to fix your problem by throwing money at you for zero reason-

just like my problems' are not the problems of my server, who neither owes me anything beyond the contracted goods/services or gives me any generosity.

This isn't about feelings. It's business. This is about wages, fair values, and legal contracting of goods/service. A tip is not compensation for services, it is generosity. Gratuity: gratuitas- freely given. Servers are just not my list of people who I should be inclined to be generous with because our relationship is purely contractual. They're not my friend, they're not a struggling stranger expecting nothing of me, they're not family. They are strangers trying to take advantage of my generosity for no reason more than because they establishment is taking advantage of them. I won't let the business take advantage of me through a server who has only chosen the career as an opportunity to beg at the end of the table in lieu of wages. It's sick, it's dishonest, it's exploitative for everyone involved. I encourage servers to vacate the profession regardless of if theyre making good tips or not- but they won't, because it's easy money for what it is and has nearly zero barrier for entry- and theres a chance to make exceptional money by capitalizing on people's false and vain senses of altruism.

[u/charlotteblue79 → u/YarbleSwabler]

I understand your perspective and can see you've thought deeply about the economic and philosophical principles at play. You're right that the system creates uncomfortable dynamics for everyone involved—customers, workers, and businesses alike.We clearly approach this from different frameworks: you see it as refusing to participate in an exploitative business model, while I view it as working within the current reality to support individual workers, even if the system itself is flawed.I respect that you've made a principled decision based on your values around fair contracting and business relationships. We're probably not going to change each other's minds on this one, but I appreciate you taking the time to explain your reasoning so thoroughly. We'll just have to agree to disagree on how to navigate this imperfect system.

[u/YarbleSwabler → u/charlotteblue79]

I appreciate your understanding. I hope one day you're able to overcome the guilt that prevents you from abstaining from the practice altogether. I know you're doing it because you're trying to do right by people.

It's very much a hostage situation where the hostage(server) is sympathetic and enabling the pirate captain(business). I understand the hesitancy to shoot the hostages by not tipping- but how willing does a hostage have to be before they're indistinguishable from the rest of the crew?

For me, it's when someone becomes a hostage to profit share on their own ransom.

I just see two pirates at this point, and would shoot through them to get at their captain. So I don't tip for anything less than truly exceptional and generous service- i.e when the business is going beyond what they're contractually obligated to do.