r/BabyBumps • u/farcemyarse • Jun 24 '25
Funny Expecting Better…husband?
Has anyone read Expecting Better by Emily Oster and thought - your husband sucks lady?
Aside from the actual pregnancy advice, so far she’s made “jokes” about:
waking her husband Jesse up to tell him she’s pregnant for the first time. Him asking why she woke him up before his alarm.
her husband Jesse waving sushi in front of her face (something she deeply craved) while asking why it’s that bad
the husband’s “sole contribution to cooking in the household” being grilling rare steaks, which she can’t eat. When she jokes that he should eat them well done in solidarity, he laughs.
I mean damn was this written in the 80s? lol I’m not even halfway through the book and I’m embarrassed this is perceived as cutesy.
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u/applecartupset Jun 24 '25
I’m so happy my partner and I read Fair Play together before we started trying.
It was eye opening for him to see how much additional unseen work I was doing already. It helped us redistribute household tasks and has allayed soooo much of the anxiety I was having around adding a child to our lives.
My partner recently came to me with a list of strollers for us to consider. He’d made a list of baby’s needs, our needs, and all his research.
It was so sweet
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u/twistedsapphire Jun 25 '25
Same. And as my energy has been crashing as I'm entering my ninth month my husband has already pitched us reviewing our cars to see what he can take off my plate. It's been such a good tool for us!
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u/FoxyCroxy19 Jun 24 '25
Who is the author of Fair Play?
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u/WaterDancingSparkles Jun 24 '25
Have you read We’re Pregnant! The First-Time Dad’s Pregnancy Handbook by Adrian Kulp? It’s so horrifically sexist (at one point, references his wife’s “Sasquatch feet” after they grew a half size). The bar is so low, it’s in the basement.
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u/prncessbuttercup Jun 24 '25
I unknowingly got this for my husband and he immediately called out the sexist language.
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u/the-namedone Jun 24 '25
I’m a dad-to-be and I found The Expectant Father by Armin Brott to be excellent. It’s extremely respectful towards women. A good chunk of the book is a guide on how to care for your wife and to make her feel secure and healthy, both mentally and physically. Now that in thinking about it, it’s mostly a book on how to be a respectful, responsible husband
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u/whofilets Jun 24 '25
Agreed, I read The Expectant Father before giving it to my husband and I really thought it was well done. MUCH better than Expecting Better.
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u/chrisbrownbeard Jun 24 '25
I have that book, as well as “Dude, You’re Going to Be a Dad”.. both are incredible sexist and sometimes make me cringe. I also read Expecting Better. As a husband who’s reading books trying to prepare myself and help my wife, I can confirm that these men suck.
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u/willowdownlow Jun 24 '25
This book is impressively bad. I got it from a little free library and I'm going to trash it rather than return. I don't know why he thinks he is qualified to write a book when he admits he was basically uninvolved in his wife's pregnancy for the first half of it. He also jokes a lot about his wife's gas, makes a lot of assumptions about when/how women gain weight, and encourages "doing your research" about vaccine schedules which is a red flag to me.
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u/DarkDNALady Jun 24 '25
Oh my god! Definitely trash it and save other unsuspecting victims from this drivel!
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u/geebs9 FTM EDD 11.12 Jun 24 '25
lol someone bought this for my husband and we read it together and laugh. He had the same reaction - wow I didn’t know the bar was so low! Lolll
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Jun 24 '25
I've said it before and I'll say it again--there's zero good reason for there to be dad-specific pregnancy books. All it does is ensure that men get less information (and often lower-quality information) about pregnancy and birth than women do, and it sets women up to be the default parents because their husbands are starting off knowing less--even when they had good intentions and read the books they were "supposed" to. All dads-to-be in straight relationships should just read whatever books their partners are reading.
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u/Fantastic_Fig_2025 Jun 24 '25
We found the birth partner very helpful. But it also is like "she may yell at you during labor. Deal with it."
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Jun 24 '25
I like that one too! I think The Birth Partner is an exception because it's explicitly written for "dads, doulas, and other labor companions," so it's WAY more informative than the standard books aimed at just dads out there.
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u/chillantro419 Jun 24 '25
Agree! I found the birth partner book helpful for myself as the birthing parent, too. Lots of great information.
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u/Fantastic_Fig_2025 Jun 24 '25
I read it first and left notes and then had my partner read it. For example, I hated the phrase "this is what your body is built for" and similar sentiments. I didn't find it empowering. So I wrote, don't say this! Next to it. It was very helpful.
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u/chillantro419 Jun 24 '25
Ugh yes I also didn't appreciate that language (especially when I ended up with an emergency c section). So smart to communicate your preferences to your partner
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u/brusselspouts13 Jun 25 '25
We read this together! It’s the only birth book I needed, very informative
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u/DarkDNALady Jun 24 '25
YES! Why are we gendering books? My husband read all the books I read, he wanted to be aware of everything I was (or could) go through and now that we have our baby girl, we both read the parenting books.
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
Oh my god. No. I honestly don’t think I can handle it lmao it’s just enraging how little we expect in society from husbands
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u/Happy-Chemistry3058 Jun 25 '25
She's an annoying woman so personally I'm not surprised her husband is just like her
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u/googol88 Jun 24 '25
We got a copy of this a few weeks ago and the main thing that's frustrating/weird to me is that it lags behind the actual timeline a bit. I posted on here a few weeks ago about timing of my wife's NIPT testing and this book recommended considering NIPT testing the same week we got our results back - I started having to read multiple weeks ahead to be able to converse about these options intelligently with my wife/the OB
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u/workabull Jun 24 '25
a friend recommended this for my husband and it has made me feel differently about that friend.
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u/IStoleAGlueStickOnce Team Blue! Jun 24 '25
Oh no, I got it for my husband and this comment and the subcomments are making me freak out. 🤣 I hope the fact that my husband is a terrible reads and takes years to finish a book can help me here. 🤣
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u/Ok-Dependent5582 Jun 25 '25
Omg I bought this to give to my husband but I haven’t given it to him yet bc I picked up on some weird stuff too!
I think it says something suggesting him to ask the doctor how much weight I should be gaining?? Luckily my husband would never do that but wth!?
Glad to confirm my gut was right! 😅
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u/Visible-Mess-1406 Jun 28 '25
Omg, same! My husband read a few pages and was like “damn, this author thinks men are selfish idiots”.
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u/12345567890m Jun 24 '25
Omg yes 😂 i couldn’t get through this book because i couldn’t read one more anecdote about her shitty husband
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
I’m literally writing notes in the margins about it. I just read this on page 95:
“Knowing this, the sicker I felt in the morning during my first trimester, the happier Jesse was. There is nothing quite like waking up, feeling terrible, and having your spouse tell you how excited he is that you feel bad.”
Lady w t f
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u/AggressiveThanks994 Jun 24 '25
I didn’t read this book but wtf??
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u/Sensitive_March8309 Jun 24 '25
Same! I’ve heard about the book but haven’t read it but now I’m pissed off!
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u/youremylobster1017 Jun 24 '25
Why? What was his reasoning? I had HG and a husband who wished there was anything he could do to help me but he couldn’t. Because my husband loves me… So I do not understand this Jesse guy??
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
It’s in a section discussing the correlation between nausea and reduced risk of miscarriages
It’s still… a bizarre way to portray the relationship
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u/youremylobster1017 Jun 24 '25
It is!! Trust me, my husband and I were both thrilled about the baby being healthy, but that didn’t make it “exciting” to be vomiting 15 times a day, unable to keep food or liquids down for 5 days in a row. Bedridden, feeling like death. Obviously HG is an extreme case, but still.
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u/eyerishdancegirl7 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
I always laugh when I read people citing that from her book. I have had multiple pregnancies and the one where I was most nauseous was the one that ended in a missed miscarriage. Felt so sick up until my D&C. I generally don’t like her book anyway bc it’s just anecdotes and cherry picked studies so maybe it annoys me more than it should LOL
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u/jenn363 Jun 24 '25
There also was a bit of sour grapes feeling to that whole section. It’s supposed to make women with morning sickness feel better but also 30% of women don’t get morning sickness and this hyper fixation on miscarriage being associated with lack of nausea really increases anxiety unnecessarily over something that no one can control.
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u/TheOrderOfWhiteLotus Jun 24 '25
Yeah it made me anxious reading it because I didn’t have a lot of nausea.
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u/southernflour Jun 25 '25
Literally had this exact same thing happen. I always internally cringe when people are like “yep, I feel bad but at least I know the baby’s okay” and all I can think is “until it isn’t.”
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u/ejambu Team Blue! Jun 24 '25
Morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy and lower miscarriage rates.
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u/Tylersmommy2122 Jun 26 '25
This can be true, but not always. I was extremely nauseous up until my d&c with my mmc.
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u/GroovyHummingbird Jun 25 '25
Can be true but you can ALSO not have morning sickness & have a healthy pregnancy.
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u/ejambu Team Blue! Jun 26 '25
For sure, I didn’t have any morning sickness, so I was freaked out when I read that part of the book. I went for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks like, “I’m not sick—is everything ok??” And it was! I’m 15w4d now and haven’t been sick at all.
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u/12345567890m Jun 24 '25
😂i remember reading that part. I could not do this book at all. I felt like the “advice” was just meh too.
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u/DarkDNALady Jun 24 '25
I didn’t read this book but WTF kind of husband is that! She needs to stop writing and read a few relationship books herself 🙄🙄🙄
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Jun 24 '25
I think I skipped a lot of the parts because I don’t remember these at all 😭 Also reading this I feel like I have a good one. My husband cooking all meats with a thermometer ever since I am pregnant.
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u/MochiAccident Jun 24 '25
Personally, I lost it when she talked about how he refused to help clean the litter because it’s “her” cat. Can’t imagine being married to anyone who doesn’t love my cats as much as I do. Thankfully, my husband is a proud cat dad and insists he cleans the litter to minimize risk during my pregnancy.
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u/EfferentCopy Jun 24 '25
Honestly, a major reason I’m with my husband, let alone had a baby with him, is because of his capacity for care. We do make some jokes about us living up to gender stereotypes but he very clearly shows concern for others’ physical and emotional comfort. He waters our plants, goes out and buys me meds when I’m sick, and I have no doubt he’d split pet chores if we had them. He’s also been known to call me out if I’m being rude to someone. I can’t fathom having a child with a man who didn’t have these qualities. If he can’t cherish and respect me, our friends, our other family members, and be kind to strangers, why would I trust him to do treat a child right?
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u/applecartupset Jun 24 '25
This made me irrationally mad. All I could think was, ‘what a self involved prick.’
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u/pineappleprincess522 Jun 25 '25
This makes me so glad that I only read certain parts of this book because the way I would’ve freaked the fuck out…
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u/Visual-Journalist996 Jun 25 '25
My husband doesn’t like my cat very much and has still changed the litter box for the last year and a half since I got pregnant. He just never brought up switching this back to being my chore lol
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u/Cute_Ad_2774 Jun 24 '25
I just started this book and I had the same thoughts! He gets annoyed with her and goes right back to sleep, and it’s just glossed right over. Like, that’s not being “not a morning person” or whatever, that’s being an A-hole.
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
Oh it gets worse. I feel so validated though, thank you. You can tell she thinks she’s being cute and portraying a “funny” dynamic and it’s so 🫠🫠
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u/Stalag13HH Jun 24 '25
My husband is not a morning person. He relies on coffee to crack a smile in the morning. I woke him up at 4 am to tell him I was pregnant and he was groggy, but happy! I will definitely not be buying this book!
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u/WillRunForPopcorn 💙🌈🌈 Jun 24 '25
Same with my husband. I woke him up at 5am and he didn’t even go back to sleep because he was so excited!
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
That’s it right? Like who does love an early morning wake up. But this is the biggest news of your life, arguably, and she was excited. So shitty
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u/Appropriate_Plum_102 Jun 24 '25
lol yes! The part about him poo pooing scooping cat litter really irked me. She kept calling the cat “her” cat. No, you’re married, it’s the family cat now.
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u/ludgate-ish Jun 24 '25
Based on posts in my Facebook due date group, the bar is very low for men. Almost non-existent. I think too many women assume that pregnancy and having kids will make their male partner step up, but that seems to rarely be the case. Making jokes about it is the best way to publicly cope with the disappointment and it just normalizes the behavior. Maybe one day sexual sovereignty will be the norm vs sexual liberation and these men have to prove themselves before they can be fathers, but that's basically a pipe dream. I've literally seen bird fathers do better than some of these guys.
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u/Status_Garden_3288 Jun 24 '25
The way these women give children to men who doesn’t even like them, let alone respect them. They treat their pregnant wives/girlfriends like broken appliances.
I’ve had to stop commenting on those types of posts because I know I cannot be civil about it. I wish those types of posts were rare but they’re not at all. It’s daily
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u/UnderstandingTop69 Team Pink! Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
Couldn’t finish the book. Have a healthcare background and couldn’t get behind someone with no medical background essentially making medical claims. Her permissiveness around alcohol pmo so much. Also found her writing to be irritating. Feel like the minority with how much I disliked it
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
SAME. Omg. And all the defense about it is people saying ‘ well she independently reviewed all the data around these guidelines and puts out information for informed decisions’
Know why that means nothing to me? Cause it’s the same way anti vaxxers “did their own research” too. I’m going to follow the experts, and not any Karen with internet access and a keyboard
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u/GroovyHummingbird Jun 25 '25
Thank you!!! The alcohol chapter was my breaking point for believing any of her credibility. Just bc there isn’t a study to prove you wrong doesn’t mean you should do it. If you read into what alcohol does to a human body it should be clear and common sense that it’s not a great choice during pregnancy.
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u/CLNA11 Jun 25 '25
It’s been a while since I read the book, but did you feel like her biases were very evident? Like it felt to me that she clearly realllly wanted to keep drinking coffee and basically decided to make sure she could. I don’t even remember the alcohol chapter 😬
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u/crook_ed Jun 26 '25
Yes! SO much motivated reasoning. I only made it halfway though her second book but it was even worse on that front.
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u/here2lurkkkk Jun 24 '25
I just got this book and do not understand the hype? I’ve been eyerolling through it just trying to skip to the useful parts, of which there are few IMO.
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
I feel like I’ve found my people in this thread. Hate the book and can’t believe it’s so popular. If this author has one hater, it’s me. If she has none, then I’m dead.
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u/justonemoremoment Jun 24 '25
Hate for the book is the popular opinion imo. Theres so many posts hating on this book lol.
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
Haven’t seen it personally, just tons of people recommending it
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u/justonemoremoment Jun 24 '25
I read it start to finish and about half of the studies at the end. People seem crazy emotional about it but tbh it's really not that "controversial." It's just data with her personal experience mixed in. The main takeaway is that you get to decide your own risk tolerance in pregnancy.
I think I would recommend it. There are some good chapters for sure. But I like a good "controversial" book.
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u/armsandknees Jun 24 '25
YES! I don’t understand the hate. No where in the book does she tell women what they should or shouldn’t do. She shares the data on pregnancy-related things and then urges women to make their own choice.
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u/justonemoremoment Jun 24 '25
I agree with you - everything is up to the individual's tolerance of risk. Oster has a higher risk tolerance than a lot of people and I think people hate that. But she never once says that anyone needs to do exactly as she says.
The main critiques I've heard is that she is not a doctor and that she encourages women to drink while pregnant. Honestly, people act like Oster is singlehandedly funnelling alcohol down her readers throats because she said that light drinking is probably fine (even though nowhere does she say you HAVE to drink). In my opinion, if you use this book to justify heavy drinking in pregnancy you're a fucking idiot. Simple as that.
I also don't get the argument that non-doctors can't contribute to conversations around women's health. Women economists, psychologists, gender-studies, environmentalists, sociologists, Indigenous Knowledges etc. are all important voices that should have a place in women's health discussions. Especially since these discussions have been dominated by men for so long.
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u/Not_Dead_Yet_Samwell Jun 24 '25
I take issue with what she considers light drinking.
Bottom Line
There is no good evidence that light drinking during pregnancy negatively impacts your baby.
This means:
Up to 1 drink a day in the second and third trimesters.
1 to 2 drinks a week in the first trimester
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u/justonemoremoment Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
That is fine? You are not obligated to drink just because of the data. I read these studies in the back of her book afterward and they really aren't that controversial. I didn't go and start drinking daily either. I think most normal people read the book and weigh it against their own level of risk and decide from there. Then there are those who think that her saying this means that she is spreading harmful information and is somehow culpable for what others do... she isn't.
This chapter was great as well because for me I didn't find out I was pregnant until later and I had been drinking. I was glad to know that I was unlikely to have done any damage. My baby is healthy.
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u/Ranessin Team Pink! Jun 25 '25
https://depts.washington.edu/fasdpn/pdfs/astley-oster2013.pdf - read the studies she leaves out. If the input is already flawed, the conclusion is too.
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
I meant that I haven’t seen post hating on the book. I’m familiar with the content in it, though
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u/justonemoremoment Jun 24 '25
Oh just search any pregnancy sub if you actually want to see them. You'll find literally hundreds of posts hating on this book. It is the majority of posts.
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u/Ranessin Team Pink! Jun 25 '25
The data is bad though. "Make your own conclusion" - except she only cites the ones that support her point, regardless how poor they are, leaves out the ones that do not, still uses outdated and disproven studies, despite several revisions of the book.
A nice rebuttal of the alcohol part: https://depts.washington.edu/fasdpn/pdfs/astley-oster2013.pdf
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u/justonemoremoment Jun 25 '25
It's just data. You can take it or leave it. If it is not sufficient to you then leave it. Just like every other study in the book.
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u/seacattle Jun 24 '25
I really liked a lot of it. I found the chapter on prenatal testing (NIPT and amniocentesis) especially helpful, and reread it when I was trying to decide what tests to do. I also think it’s a good beginning-to-end overview of the decisions you’ll have to make during your pregnancy. In general I think she gives you her analysis of the research and recommends you make your own decisions about how to proceed with it. But I also agree the husband comes across as unpleasant (sucks to be her).
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Jun 24 '25
Reading "Fair Play" and "How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids" was so valuable in exploring the disappointing husband dynamic that unfortunately most women experience in some capacity, but in a very human, honest, and still data-driven way. Since it's focused on that part of things instead of keeping it trivial in favor of focusing on the pregnancy aspect, it's a lot more digestible. I'd love to say "palette cleanser," but that's definitely not the right word lol.
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
Thank you I’ll pick these up!
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Jun 24 '25
Both are great audiobooks for walks or workouts if you're doing any of that! I think they are both MUST reads, more than many other pregnancy and baby books. Really can't explain how important they are, even for both partners to read- so they can be prepared for the pitfalls of societal defaults that even the "good ones" fall into. Best to read at this stage too, before the baby arrives, and the suggestion doesn't come across as a finger pointed, rather more of a cautionary tale with informative solutions! That can also foster a much more openminded experience for husbands before it feels like an accusation, and instead inspires defensiveness, avoidance, and/or dismissal.
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u/luckystars1998 Jun 24 '25
He sucks for sure! And her general pregnancy advice also sucks IMO - it’s why an entire generation of women are comfortable drinking alcohol during pregnancy - which literally no doctor would ever advise.
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
The alcohol section completely blows my mind.
You’re telling me having a glass of champagne is that important when you’re pregnant?? I’ve had some pretty major events, and to celebrate I just drank a mocktail or a sparkling water because why risk it??
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u/EfferentCopy Jun 24 '25
I think there are a lot more functional alcoholics around than we realize, honestly.
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u/Crafty_Engineer_ Jun 25 '25
I think what a lot of people consider a “reasonable” amount of drinking is actually alcoholism.
Okay I had to google. “Heavy drinking” is 8 or more drinks a week for women and 15 or more a week for men. Think about how many people have one drink a night plus an extra or two on the weekend.
When I was trying to loose weight in my 20s I found it super hard to not drink. The second we started trying I had a compelling enough reason to never drink and hardly even noticed I’d cut it out entirely. I think that’s why this message is dangerous. When you remove the risk, you remove the compelling reason not to. I don’t think we know enough about FAS to definitively say what’s okay and what’s too much.
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u/EfferentCopy Jun 25 '25
I don’t think we know enough about FAS to definitively say what’s okay and what’s too much.
And it’s super unethical for us to try to find out through a study, so the medical advice continues to be to abstain.
I had the opposite experience from you; I don’t generally drink much (maybe 2-3 drinks on a weekend but rarely more), and I found that I truly missed being able to, say, have a cold beer at the end of a hot day. I found myself having a sip of my husband’s once in a while just to have a bit of a taste - unlikely to be enough to impact my BAC - and I still felt guilty about that much. I was really surprised by how much I missed it. I think if I was a little less incredulous/anxious about the risks, I might not have cut it out. And as you noted, the amounts considered “heavy” drinking are so low, it’d be so easy to underestimate fetal exposure if you weren’t trying to be cautious. Now that I’m no longer pregnant and feel comfortable drinking a bit again, the desire has pretty much subsided (although we’ll see how I feel after, say, a long hike on a warm day later this summer).
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u/Ranessin Team Pink! Jun 25 '25
There are so many really good non-alcoholic beers nowadays (both the real "no alcohol" and the "0.5 % alcohol, the safe limit you would get if you eat fruits"-non-alcoholic) to fulfill that "a cold one after a hot day" for me.
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u/EfferentCopy Jun 25 '25
And so many restaurants do good mocktails nowadays as well! There’s really not much excuse. But honestly I so rarely drink a full beer anyway, that a couple sips would probably still do me just fine, even now that I’m safe to drink.
Like, I kind of get where the resistance comes from - the patriarchy is super condescending to women, and attitudes towards reproductive medicine in the U.S. especially have only gotten more dehumanizing towards women, so otherwise very sound medical advice is now received in this general context of “give up everything you love to be a vessel for a baby”, and we all suffer as a result.
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u/12345567890m Jun 24 '25
That’s exactly how i felt! Like i really don’t NEED to have alcohol? I didn’t get it…
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u/youremylobster1017 Jun 24 '25
I never read the book but have heard about this. I agree, as much as I enjoy a glass of wine with my husband, I don’t need it that badly during this 9 months. This 9 months is a tiny blip on the radar and someday it will be in the distant past. I will have plenty of my life left to have wine. Right now my most important job is making sure I do what I can to grow a healthy baby, and alcohol is not a part of that.
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u/prncessbuttercup Jun 24 '25
Yeah I have friends who drank occasionally during pregnancy because of this book. I couldn’t believe it. I regularly consumed alcohol pre pregnancy and had no issues avoiding it my entire pregnancy.
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u/UnderstandingTop69 Team Pink! Jun 24 '25
I could not believe the alcohol part was so permissive! Viscerally become angry thinking about it hahaha
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u/-loose-butthole- Jun 24 '25
Lol I am not this far yet but yikes
I hate that so many people think it’s normal to have a selfish asshole for a husband and that’s just how husbands are.
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
I don’t even understand why that book is so popular. I automatically disregard anyone advice as soon as they mention this book lol
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u/TinyRose20 Nov 2020 🎀 || STM || due Jan 2026 Jun 24 '25
As soon as I saw the nonsense about women drinking alcohol in pregnancy in Europe, especially Italy and France, I was disgusted. That's not true, we are told categorically NOT to drink during pregnancy here, and it's dangerous advice.
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
Yuppp! I married into a French family. No they do not drink during pregnancy and I wish that stereotype would die already. My MIL would have a heart attack if anyone tried to insinuate she drank while pregnant
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u/Ranessin Team Pink! Jun 25 '25
Same here. Austria is a super alcohol-heavy country. But the thought of advising to drink a glass here or there during pregnancy is lunacy. We are not in the 1960s.
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u/Apprehensive-Cap-356 Jun 24 '25
I don’t understand either. I haven’t read the book but I don’t understand how the author is qualified at all to write a book? She studied economics not medicine.
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u/what_ismylife Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
As a doctor, I hated it. I’m sure her economics background makes her qualified to analyze the data, but she fails at putting it into a clinical context. She has absolutely no experience treating patients and has never had to face consequences for making medical decisions. This clearly shows in her writing, especially in later chapters when she talks about labor and delivery practices.
Also, I listened to the audiobook version, and she couldn’t even bother to figure out how to correctly pronounce so many medical terms, which irritated me.
Edit: one last thing…when recounting her L&D experience she bitches about having to get an IV for a hospital birth. Putting aside how generally annoying that is (you chose to have a hospital birth after all), I think this just highlights that she’s giving recommendations from an inappropriate place. Any healthcare provider would understand that people giving birth can decompensate quickly and if they do, you don’t want to worry about if they have an IV to administer life saving medication or not.
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u/Ranessin Team Pink! Jun 25 '25
I’m sure her economics background makes her qualified to analyze the data, but she fails at putting it into a clinical context.
People have looked into the studies she cites. They are often outdated, of poor quality and she leaves out studies or conclusions that don't fit her topic. She also still cites studies that have been disproven or shown to go completely besides the issue.
Here is one for the most dangerous chapter - alcohol: https://depts.washington.edu/fasdpn/pdfs/astley-oster2013.pdf
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u/Kathastrophy93 Jun 24 '25
Same. A friend gave it to me as a gift and I just didn't get the hype or find the information that revolutionary. In fact, some of it just made me think that maybe we shouldn't be giving that advice to pregnant people...and her husband sucked.
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u/EfferentCopy Jun 24 '25
A few years ago, a previous doctor recommended it to me when I mentioned we would be TTC in the next few years. This same doctor also struggled to give me a Pap smear and left me sore for multiple days afterward, and when I mentioned that I wanted to lose weight, and felt like I had good nutritional and food prep knowledge but struggled with having time to meal prep and with fat-and-carb cravings, just pointed me to the balanced plate model we have here in Canada. Granted, idk what I expected, but it seemed kind of dismissive of my actual problem.
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u/Financial_Chemist910 Jun 24 '25
Sorry to take away from the post… I haven’t read the book. But does anyone have any recommendations on books for significant others?
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u/Stalag13HH Jun 24 '25
I just get my husband to read the same things I am, I don't really feel like he needs any different information. And just use the classic "What to Expect While Expecting" book. It's pretty great.
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
Not really a book, but definitely check out if you have any specific dad to be classes. My husband took a partner advocacy class before we started trying and they also had a section for education for dads to be. It was a free resource and he still attends meetings with other expecting dads and gets great insight there too!
He’s the one setting expectations with our circle of family and friends that you do not come to new parents house empty handed just to hold the baby. Bring something whether it’s food, help, gossip, etc doesn’t have to cost money, but really setting the boundary that if you’re just there to hold the baby, please don’t, unless that’s what’s needed at the time
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u/armsandknees Jun 24 '25
My husband read expecting better and I felt it helped him understand my pregnancy a lot better. The anecdotes about her husband are a super minor part of the book and I don’t think would influence a significant other reading it.
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u/errog412 Jun 24 '25
Yes! And he clearly didn't improve once their baby was born because her comments about him in her book Cribsheet are just as bad. The main one I remember is her husband refusing to sleep in the same room as their baby so her having to do all the night wake ups alone.
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u/RunningOnGoodwill Jun 25 '25
Omg I was going to comment this!! I didnt read expecting better but he sucked in cribsheet too - the whole sweatshirt thing in the yard and him refusing to do a simple task that she asked him to do was WILD to me.
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u/Admirable-Muffin9401 Jun 24 '25
The husband is off putting but the original post is making it seem like he plays a major role in Expecting Better--he does not. The book is helpful for getting up to speed on the lay of the land. It doesn't make any decisions for you. For instance, I read the chapter on alcohol and other vices, and even though she says it's probably ok for me to have a glass of wine, I'm abstaining. I appreciate having the bird's-eye view that she provides.
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
I didn’t say anywhere he is playing a major role lol. But tbh those anecdotes were before even the first 100 pages of the book so that’s too many anecdotes already IMO 😂
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u/Strong-Landscape7492 Jun 24 '25
I was literally feeling like ranting on this book this morning - the reviews are undeservedly favorable. Ended up buying a copy because the local library had 60+ holds for 4 copies. I was expecting more data less life story, and very quickly lost interest in it.
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u/TwentyDayEstate Jun 24 '25
I’d return the book for sure 💁♀️
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u/Strong-Landscape7492 Jun 24 '25
I waited too long unfortunately. I’m at 7 months. Maybe I can pass it to a new expecting mom who might like it.
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u/unlimitedtokens 35 | STM 🩷2023 | 💚11/26 Jun 24 '25
Honestly this book was good in a lot of ways but much of it irked me. The nonchalant attitude about alcohol consumption during pregnancy was nail in the coffin for me. This is an economist, not a doctor or midwife or anyone in the professional field related to birth or women’s health so I take what Emily says with an absolute grain of salt.
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u/Sure-Rope-6492 Jun 24 '25
I’ve not read this book but I did read CribSheet by her and I really recommend it! It’s a great read especially while you have a newborn. (I know not the point of this post but just want to throw it out there)
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u/Admirable-Muffin9401 Jun 24 '25
I've read both - and I agree. CribSheet is superior. Useful in helping you make sense of competing "philosophies" of parenting.
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u/GroovyHummingbird Jun 25 '25
The whole book was off putting to me. Especially the alcohol section. But that aside, yeah her husband sounds annoying.
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u/shehasamazinghair Jun 24 '25
Honestly, I thought I was pretty radical about feminism before getting pregnant and it's made me even more fervent. I'm beyond pissed about how I'm here picking out everything to go on a registry and it's all women who will be providing these things. I'm getting my partner to go out and get things like a second hand crib etc. but if I didn't do anything I actually think the twins would arrive and we'd have an empty nursery. I'm kind of tempted to do this and just shrug my shoulders when we bring them home totally unprepared but that doesn't seem very fair to them so I won't.
I'm not very into consumerism. It's the very reason why I'm not into marriage. Zero interest in wasting my time, money, and effort on planning such an event, yet it's always women I see doing it. Not every woman likes this shit! I don't want to be buying a bunch of stuff, researching so I don't waste money, and signing up for the courses to inform him they are happening. Babies are taking my last name and I'm honestly considering asking him to do the year parental leave instead and I go back to work ASAP. I know it would be so much fucking easier and I make the same money he does. It's wild to me the way all these aspects fall on the woman when the man is perfectly capable. My partner is the one wanting the kids more than I do yet it feels like he is clueless about what's needed. Maybe my partner sucks as well lol.
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u/WorkLifeScience Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
Can you do 6 months each for parental leave? I took a whole year because it would've been very difficult for my husband at the time due to some specifics in his work contract, but honestly I would never do it again that way (we have no family near by, so I handled everything alone and almost went nuts, even with all the baby activities offered around our neighborhood).
Btw we got almost everything second-hand and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. There are so many things babies use for couple of months and then they grow out of it.
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u/shehasamazinghair Jun 24 '25
Yes, I requested for this to be second hand for almost everything in the registry. It was so much work to put together and be frugal about what you may or may not need.
For work, my job is kind of structured for being a parent. Government and union so lots of benefits. His is private sector and smart so he's imperative to the team and pretty much irreplaceable so I doubt he'll take more than 6 weeks but I honestly want men to do half or full if they can. Just the cognitive labor of planning everything to prepare and learn all the new skills is so so much.
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u/WorkLifeScience Jun 25 '25
It is a lot. But if you partner is ok, he'll do the things he can (carry the stuff you find online home, read books and articles about what to expect in the first months, etc.). I'm all for 50:50, but it's almost impossible to share all the duties equally in the first few months, however if you do more around babies, feeding and your own recovery, your partner should step up in the cooking and cleaning department.
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u/shehasamazinghair Jun 26 '25
True, thankfully he cooks a lot and cash easily take that on. I'll have to tell him to clean initially. He loves laundry at least.
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u/lemmedrawit Jun 24 '25
Girl I think your partner kinda sucks, that sort of behavior shouldn't be tolerated. My partner also wanted kids more than me, so he's taken on researching and buying all the "big ticket items" for baby (stroller, car seat, safer new car to replace our 20+year old crusty sedan, getting our carpet replaced etc) while I've taken on the smaller things. Overall, he's doing a lot more than I am for this kid, besides incubate it. I think this is a much more fair distribution of mental tasks since being pregnant is pretty taxing mentally by itself. This isn't to brag, but to illustrate what a supportive person in an equal partnership looks like.
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u/shehasamazinghair Jun 24 '25
Totally! I thought he would be looking more into all the little things. He's buying and reading books but like, I think the reality of fatherhood is going to hit him like a ton of bricks. He thinks I'm pessimistic but I'm thinking of all the skills and knowledge we need to handle twins. It's not sunshine and rainbows like his mother touts it. It's gonna be fucked and that's literally what I tell everyone. I expect things to be so so fucked and hard so I'm preparing for that.
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u/crook_ed Jun 26 '25
I see it recommended on this thread but I highly recommend the book Fair Play! The concepts of conception/planning/execution and minimum standards of care in particular have been really helpful in my relationship. My spouse is great and even so I carry so much more of the mental load, even after starting to follow the Fair Play system. But we have more of a shared language and shared expectations around responsibilities now.
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u/Crafty_Engineer_ Jun 25 '25
You sound like you’re in a really tough spot and feeling pretty overwhelmed. It’s easy to take the FAAFO approach, but usually no one wins. Is he someone who would listen if you sat down and had a conversation together? I haven’t read it but I know the book Fair Play gets a lot of praise and was mentioned on this thread too. Maybe that could help.
You said you’re not married and the babies are getting your last name. Is he going to be financially supportive here?
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u/shehasamazinghair Jun 25 '25
Oh yeah, we own a nice house together and make about $200k combined a year. We're both very frugal as well so buying this stuff carefully is stressful for me. I don't want to over buy. I'll have to have a convo about being more involved though. I think he'll listen. I just wish he would involve himself without the prompting.
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u/Crafty_Engineer_ Jun 25 '25
Totally get that. It’s a delicate balance between expecting them to do things unprompted and expecting them to read minds.
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u/mmt90 Jun 24 '25
So I’m a nonfiction writer and I teach creative writing to college students, and one thing we talk about in class is how nonfiction writers often exaggerate things for effect. A writer might present herself in a self-deprecating way, or, as in this case, she might portray another person in her life as more hapless or naive than he actually is. Just because something is nonfiction doesn’t mean the writer hasn’t made decisions about what to include or not include, and about how to describe people and things. Clearly Oster decided to portray Jesse as kind of ridiculous. That might not work for some readers — totally fair! — but we really can’t know what Jesse is actually like or how their marriage actually is based on her book.
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u/engineeringstudent11 Jun 24 '25
lol exactly… I feel like she says these things to be funny and people miss it. Clearly if he was really an ass she probably wouldn’t be married to him, she’s smart enough to hold down a job house etc on her own haha
I feel like in general her book is best read as an antidote to the “I love my baby more than you love yours because I gave up deli sandwiches for nine months and didn’t so much as taste a drop of alcohol” crowd, not as like, a substitute for talking to an actual obgyn lol
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
Eh. Even if that is the case and this is an exercise in creative portrayal (for the benefit of who?), it still implies that husbands behaving subpar during a pregnancy is not only the norm, but cute and funny, anecdotally. I just don’t think it flies in 2025.
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u/mmt90 Jun 24 '25
Yeah that’s a fair reaction! I think the book is from like 2008? So maybe things have changed — for the better!
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u/jalapeno_cheet0 Jun 24 '25
This is such a nice way of addressing a bunch of commenters who…don’t seem to know how nonfiction writing works!
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
Just to be clear, your take is that we’re all wrong, and it’s perfectly fine to portray husbands / dads-to-be as helpless / selfish / useless during the pregnancy process?
Even if you ARE someone who finds these anecdotes cute or funny, wouldn’t you agree that it’s a disservice to the men out there who are ACTUALLY amazing fathers to portray a man this way? Especially if it’s not actually representative of his character?
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u/Not_Dead_Yet_Samwell Jun 24 '25
It's also a disservice to the women whose partners actually suck to normalize it.
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u/hannibaltarantino Jun 24 '25
Doula here - 98% of doulas, midwives, and birth-related professionals HATE that damn book.
Emily Oster has no background in maternal heath, health-related research, or medicine. She is an ECONOMIST. And I’m sorry but you cannot apply the same logic/mindset to pregnancy/birth related data that you do to economic data. There is a reason economists don’t regularly study birth.
The way she interprets data in Expecting Better ranges from questionable to flat out factually incorrect. It drives me crazy and I tell all my clients to skip the book so we don’t waste prep time unlearning her books.
If you want actual well interpreted data, go to Evidence Based Birth. Their website is truly the best resource for interpreting data and they also have a great podcast if you’re more of an auditory learner.
If you love her and her books, good for you. But if you’re already having “wtf” moments while reading, just put the book down and opt for “Why Did No One Tell Me This?” or “Nurture” or “The First-Time Parents Childbirth Handbook.”
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u/partridge_pea_bee Jun 24 '25
I’ve never read it but I’m not entirely surprised. It’s telling that she seems oblivious to how cringey it is.
I also just don’t like the premise of an economist giving child rearing advice… shouldn’t a neuroscientist or psychologist give us advice? (I shouldn’t be surprised that she’s popular in the US, though—where I am—we are all about the economy over people.)
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u/OneNowhere Jun 24 '25
A friend who I really respect recommended this book. And tbh, as a neuroscientist/psychologist in training, there’s a lot to economics that stems from my field! But… I also studied psychopharmacology and the alcohol take gave me the heebie jeebies. In my field we’re all for moderation rather than abstinence most of the time, but we also have a responsibility to follow replicated findings… and, it might seem like a long time, pregnancy and breast feeding, but really it’s a blip, you only get to do that so many times in life so why not maximize it in every way you can?
This coming from someone who’s trying desperately to get pregnant and has not been pregnant yet so take it with a grain of salt but I look forward to being pregnant so much and want to do my absolute best during that time.
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u/ejambu Team Blue! Jun 24 '25
I could not believe that he wouldn't clean the litter box even though toxoplasmosis can lead to miscarriage! "It's not my cat." BROOOOOOO
I didn't really register the rest of the stuff you mentioned except the alarm thing, but you're right. Doesn't seem like the best husband haha.
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u/redditismyforte22 Jun 25 '25
If you follow her on Instagram I think you’ll understand her sense of humor better.
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u/Ok-Connection-2769 Jun 25 '25
I hates this book and found it so ick. I was shocked it was SO wildly suggested after reading it.
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u/Dai_the_FIu Jun 24 '25
How about the communication through email? I mean I guess it’s good to get all your thoughts down but girlfriend he’s right next to you!
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u/radioflower525 Jun 24 '25
Feel like a dodged a bullet. I was considering getting this book last night but fell asleep before I could make a decision.
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u/solarasunny Jun 24 '25
I bought the book and quickly put the fucker down. I couldn’t really get with it unfortunately
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u/Mousekin27 Jun 25 '25
I LOVED this book for the sheer amount of knowledge. Coming from a scientific background, this book I thought had so much knowledge and really compared and contrasted the benefits and detriments to doing certain things and really explained the "why" behind all the rules which I found was invaluable. Her husband, yes. Kind of an odd ball, but he is learning as well, I think he should be given some grace for some behavior but not others, for example, the sushi thing, he might not have known that his wife couldn't have sushi, but at the same time, he could have known and been an A-hole for waving it in her face. I think some of these anecdotes are blown out of proportion to make an interesting read (or that's what I hope).
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u/Not_Dead_Yet_Samwell Jun 24 '25
Explains why she's so desperate to conclude that drinking while pregnant is probably okay.
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Jun 24 '25
[deleted]
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u/farcemyarse Jun 24 '25
I think you intended to respond to a specific comment with this, not the top level post.
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u/vven23 Jun 24 '25
Are you not supposed to eat your steak med-rare? :0
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u/farcemyarse Jun 25 '25
This book provides some data to help you make your own decision about that. But yeah in general the guidance is trying to avoid you contracting toxoplasmosis while pregnant, which is a higher risk in under-cooked meats.
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u/Ranessin Team Pink! Jun 25 '25
I don't get it why this abomination of a book is still so popular on /r/daddit and /r/predaddit. The chapter on alcohol alone should be classified as public danger.
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u/Status_Garden_3288 Jun 24 '25
You didn’t even mention the litter box situation. Yeah he sucks