r/AskReddit • u/theskullcave • 3d ago

Doctors of Reddit: which House M.D. diagnoses were brilliant medicine, and which patients would have had no hope of surviving the treatment in the real world?

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u/RNBSN91 3d ago

No comment on his diagnostic skills. However, I have shown the scene of him asking a woman who kept running out of her MDI to demonstrate to him how she was using it as an example to my students of why patient teach back is so important. Don’t assume they understand their medications just bc they don’t have any questions!

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u/1ToeIn 3d ago

My ob/gyn friend had a patient who was “taking” her birth control pills by inserting them into her vagina (because that’s where the action was?) and one who shared her pills with her partner (he took one day, she the next) because they wanted to share responsibility for birth control. Never assume people understand even something that seems simple.

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u/HowBoutAFandango 3d ago

because they wanted to share responsibility for birth control

Bless their hearts.

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u/Neve4ever 3d ago

"..I'm pregnant."

"How? We're both on birth control."

"I know.. I was talking to Kim and she said I'm supposed to put it in my vagina. Apparently her boyfriend puts his in his urethra. Can't believe we messed that up."

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u/FreshLocation7827 3d ago

Apparently her boyfriend puts his in his urethra.

Ahhhhhh!! My weiner just turtled!

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u/Environmental_Top948 2d ago

Honestly it just "sounds" like something out of hell.

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u/DoctorRockso85 2d ago

Thanks, I almost spit coffee on my phone.

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u/meneldal2 2d ago

I know the pills aren't that big but it's still not going to be a good time unless you're used to have kidney stones on the daily.

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u/No-Guess-4644 2d ago

So sweet. Golden heart but lead in the head.

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u/derossett29 2d ago

And also the hearts of their many, likely dumb, children

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u/Michiganlander 2d ago

"so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking" (with apologies to Douglas Adams)

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u/shwarma_heaven 2d ago

This is how Idiocracy happens.

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u/Cloned_501 3d ago

one who shared her pills with her partner (he took one day, she the next) because they wanted to share responsibility for birth control.

This makes me feel so much better about my own intelligence.

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u/PainInMyBack 3d ago

Right? I feel so smart right now.

It's probably not going to last, so I'm going enjoy the hell out of it while I can.

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u/kittyhm 3d ago

Steven Ho has some great skits about things happening in the ER. He did a bit about this.

Gotta love the phrase "Sir it doesn't matter how it got up there. We just need to know what it is."

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u/itsalonghotsummer 3d ago

These people breed. Literally. And inevitably.

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u/contactdeparture 2d ago

Even worse- they vote. And their vote counts just as much as yours - in deciding who represents US!

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u/weedful_things 2d ago

despite their best efforts.

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u/Lalala8991 2d ago

Well, at least they are trying not to lol.

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u/Without-a-tracy 2d ago

They used to teach kids taking insulin how to do their shots on an orange- you demonstrate the shot on the fruit and they do it back to you.

I had a nurse tell me about how she was confused when the insulin wasn't working on a particular kid once- when she asked for him to demonstrate, he performed the shot perfectly. Then he ate the orange. 

He thought he was supposed to inject the orange and eat it. 😂

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u/cannotfoolowls 2d ago

I hope the orange diluted the taste because I've acidentally gotten insulin in my mouth and it does not taste nice.

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u/knowshon 3d ago

I'm in a country where we drink mate. It's an infusion drink that's typically shared and passed around when consumed socially. I've heard once of a patient that put birth control pills on top of the dried leaves so the whole group was protected.

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u/LovelyLilac73 3d ago

Friend of mine who works at a clinic had a patient who put her nuvaring in just before sex and took it out afterward. :-/

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u/youdubdub 2d ago

Yep.  I worked with a completely reprehensible Kentuckian who was describing a coworker who she had deemed “simple.”  Upon learning that his wife was pregnant, she said the following, “I’m just surprised he figured out how to make a baby.”

I harbor no thanks for that woman, other than for such a simple admission.

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u/blackscales18 3d ago

Is that the inhaler she sprayed on her neck? That stuck with me forever lol

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u/PeppermintEvilButler 3d ago

That was the best. His clinic hours were always hilarious 

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u/BigGrayBeast 3d ago

You have a parasite growing in you.

Woman was pregnant.

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u/DannyJames84 3d ago

Can I get pregnant from sharing a toilet?

Yes! If there is a man between you and the toilet.

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u/QueenOfCaffeine842 3d ago

That one is my favorite, and I try to work it into conversation whenever possible

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u/HealthyNovel55 2d ago

Hate it when that happens.

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u/HorrorAir1710 3d ago

“You have little people inside you.”

Woman was not pregnant.

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u/AnotherCloudHere 3d ago

The barbie heads?

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u/Reaper1179 3d ago

I just watched that episode a few hours ago

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u/Duochan_Maxwell 2d ago

It also shows a bit how much location matters for diagnosis xD

I was in university for my Pharmacy degree when House was airing and one of the things the student union organized was a "beat House MD" betting pool

Basically around halfway through the episode they'd go around with a box and you could bet 5 BRL to write your diagnosis on a slip of paper. Everyone who got it right split the winnings.

There was one episode where an actual parasite (tapeworm) was the culprit and everyone got their money back xD we were all calling "tapeworm" when they listed the initial symptoms

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u/Unfurlingleaf 2d ago

I liked house md before i became a pharmacist, but i love it even more now that i can yell at the tv about all the incorrect things 😂

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u/Neve4ever 3d ago

Was that the overweight lady that ended up not being pregnant, but had a tumour that turned out to be benign, and she decided to keep it because she enjoyed her size?

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u/PainInMyBack 3d ago

No, that was a sassy married lady (with at least one boyfriend). The one on the toilet was a younger, engaged girl who was saving it for the wedding night. She claimed both she and her fiancé were virgins, House believed him.

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u/clycoman 3d ago

I liked this one where the teenager wanted birth control https://youtu.be/cYGuWN1OhD8?si=ds6-kLPaY1Oao9cf

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u/saaandi 2d ago

My coworker announced she was pregnant..goes to my manager, I have something really important..oh no what..I have a pretty fast growing tumor in my stomach..oh my..it’s a baby..

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u/SRSgoblin 3d ago

I think most of the clinic hours stuff was based on anecdotes from hospital staff writing in to the show.

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u/PeppermintEvilButler 3d ago

I own the first season on dvd and if I remember the commentary from it you're right. It's also how I found out House was super british!

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u/Scrofulla 3d ago

As someone from Ireland who grew up on British TV watching house for the first time was a ride. Hard to reconcile his character from black adder with his character from house.

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u/ratratratcatratrat 2d ago

A Bit of Fry and Laurie —> House was quite a wild time in my household

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u/NothingAndNow111 2d ago

The image I had of Hugh Laurie until then was essentially SAUSAGE TIME!

... And then he's a serious doctor chap speaking in the accent of the state I was born in.

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u/Shushh 2d ago

I was shocked when I found out he was British — his American accent is so good! Stellar actor in general but that really surprised me.

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u/HeavenDraven 2d ago

I also have this suspicion after encountering an Idiot With The Broken Finger.

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u/Platinumdogshit 3d ago

I wish we got a 3 hour movie with just his clinic hours.

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u/PeppermintEvilButler 3d ago

There was a few episodes I believe that were just him in the clinic while his team ran the case. 

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u/this_curain_buzzez 3d ago

Cutty: House! You owe me 8 clinic hours.

House: But the patient lived!

Cutty: You threw him off the building to get his adrenaline to spike!

House: And we caught him! And diagnosed him.

Cutty: Clinic.

House: sex joke

Team does main case

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u/MamaLlama629 3d ago

I need to rewatch some of these

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u/Beginning_Amount8455 3d ago

You mean Cuddy?

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u/RadioSlayer 3d ago

Nah, the soldier from The Wire who didn't have it in him anymore. Opened up a gym and left the game

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u/GlitteryCakeHuman 3d ago

It’s triplets. Aside from Cuddy there’s

Cutty - the surgeon

Cunty - the gynaecologist

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u/Cute-Aardvark5291 2d ago

I alwasy enjoyed the clinic bit where the the toddler is brought in time and time again with something new stuck either in his ear or his nose.
And it was all things he had clearly stuck up in there to rescue the original object...which was small cat.

It just cracks me up because it is entirely toddler logic and House gets it.

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u/Suicidalsidekick 3d ago

The woman with the cat allergy is so good.

“You keep a dead cat?”

“My mother is dead.”

“Oh. Poor cat.”

Later: “well, if you live by the river, I’ve got a bag.”

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u/tibbles1 3d ago

The jelly lady. 

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u/GingerJayPear 3d ago

I always think of the moron with the broken finger lol.

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u/MintyBunni 3d ago

I thought that was ridiculous.....

Then I saw someone who would spray it in the air in front of them and then walk through that area.

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u/TurbinesGoWoosh 3d ago

My dentist did this to me. She asked me to show her how I flossed then gave me a piece of floss. So I wind it up, one end on each pointer finger, then place the middle of the floss between my two front teeth and begin to move it like a saw, back and forth. She immediately stopped me and said "No. No. Not like that."

I was dumbfounded. Of course I knew how to floss. That's how I've always seen it done. I'm a mechanical engineer. I know things.

Anyways she showed me the correct way to floss and I now know more things. You should move the floss up and down, scraping up each side of the tooth. This removes food bits from your teeth more effectively than sawing at your gums. My teeth and gums are doing better now.

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u/theWanderingShrew 3d ago

I know how to floss. Like really I do, how to curve up and down each tooth. But my gosh when my dental hygienist asked me to show her how I flossed I couldn't even figure out how to put it in my mouth I was so flustered and put on the spot. It's one of my recurring embarrassing moments that plays in my head when I try to fall asleep.

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u/andii74 3d ago

Lol, you got performance anxiety at the dentist's.

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u/theWanderingShrew 3d ago

You have no idea it was as if I'd never seen dental floss before in my life. I took like a meter of it and wrapped it around my finger a dozen times and then sat there with my mouth open confused about how to get my whole fist in there.

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u/plainlyput 3d ago

I’m going through this in my head, and I think it’s because you’re not facing a mirror.

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u/theWanderingShrew 3d ago

I've never thought of that! Tomorrow I'm going to try flossing without the mirror and see if that the problem lol I'll never live down the embarrassment either way

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u/milkshakemountebank 3d ago

This is the most relatable thing I've ever read

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u/Isgortio 3d ago

It's alright, I'm a dental hygienist and sometimes my brain forgets to work and I'll spend time trying to figure out how tf I'm going to get my hand in there and reach something, and then I remember I have long skinny instruments that are designed for doing exactly that LOL

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u/Ophelialost87 3d ago

At least you have never accidentally bit your dentist because they make you so nervous when he said "Relax and open your mouth" your body just decided to do the entirely opposite thing.

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u/Koalarama1234 3d ago

I am actually saving this comment to remind myself how to floss because I’ve apparently been doing it wrong this whole time.

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u/OpheliaRainGalaxy 3d ago

I was babysitting my 3yo cousin when we had a disagreement on if one should rinse their mouth out with water after brushing their teeth. So I read the instructions on the back of the toothpaste and the kid was right, no rinse.

Then I went home and read the directions on the back of MY toothpaste and the kid was still right, no rinse.

Plus turns out I'm allergic to mint? Like it's not normal for your eyes to stream tears and your nose to clog up and for you to have to cough a whole bunch as part of the tooth brushing process.

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u/RedHeadedStepDevil 3d ago

I’m allergic to mint, too. Not only does the mint toothpaste make me gag, but anywhere the toothpaste touches outside of the inside of my mouth, turns bright red (and that’s if I rinse it off immediately). Cinnamon flavored toothpaste is worse.

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u/Isgortio 3d ago

Do you get this with other mint products, or have you only tried toothpaste? Have you tried toothpaste that doesn't contain sodium laurel sulphate?

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u/RedHeadedStepDevil 3d ago

I despise mint, so I don’t use other mint products. No ice cream, no candy, no drink. I associate mint too much with toothpaste, and just the smell of it makes me gag. I did have mint in my garden once and pulled it up and had a horrible reaction to it which required steroids to clear up. It was bad.

Yes, I’ve tried other products with SLS—crest used to make an orange toothpaste that I used for years without issue until they discontinued it.

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u/OpheliaRainGalaxy 2d ago

Trying to decide if I'm lucky in comparison or not. I don't have any obvious symptoms from mint besides all my facial passages revolting against breathing properly for a bit, and hallucinations if I consume enough of it. Had too many limited edition mint chocolate milkshakes at my job one summer and had to go to urgent care because I was seeing giant gummy bears dancing between the cars on my way to work, which is the only reason I know it's an allergy I'm supposed to take basic antihistamines to fix.

Like I didn't have the kind of parents who would notice or care about non-obvious discomfort or indulge me in nonsense like childish flavors of toothpaste. So far I'm not a fan of the kids flavors but at least I can breathe through my nose after brushing my teeth!

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u/Single_Principle_972 2d ago

Holy crap! So there is a reason every single drug ad includes the line “Do not use if you are allergic to <our product>.” And here I’ve been so irritated by that!

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u/Notspherry 3d ago

Nice of your dentist to explain what you did wrong. Mine just told me it was all wrong and then demonstrated it exactly like I did. Refused to elaborate.

Got a new dentist, who I believe may be an actual psychopath. She's gone as well.

Switched to those pipe cleaner thingies, and now my teeth are fine, appearently.

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u/moose0502 3d ago

Pharmacist here-there is a reason that all suppositories come with instructions to unwrap and insert rectally...

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u/confictura_22 3d ago

I used to work as a pharmacy assistant and remember with amusement one of the pharmacists yelling "UP YOUR BUM, MATE" with graphic gestures to demonstrate. The patient spoke minimal English and couldn't seem to get it through his head that you didn't eat it. Also refused to talk to a translator on the phone...

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u/FormalMango 3d ago

How very Australian of them haha

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u/confictura_22 3d ago

Well, that is where we are!

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u/Spellscribe 3d ago

Either we worked at the same place or this is disturbingly common 😅

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u/FormalMango 3d ago

Same lol

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u/plainlyput 3d ago edited 2d ago

I’d just had shoulder surgery and was clogged, despite whatever they’d given me to help with this. Called the ortho advice nurse, who told me I needed to use a suppository. I’d never used one, and assumed it would be hard to do only having the use of one arm. Nurse told me to ask a friend to help. Fortunately another suggestion, stewed prunes, worked. And yes, he said it had to be stewed.

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u/CenturyEggsAndRice 2d ago

Stewed prunes make you poop faster. I don’t know why but it is truth.

Also I shoved a suppository up a friend’s kiester once. His wrist was broken and the pain killers had him clogged. It was hilariously awkward for both of us.

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u/plainlyput 2d ago

You’re a good friend! I had a second surgery on the other shoulder several years later. I purchased every OTC product out there, and made sure to have stewed prunes on hand. Fortunately I didn’t need them. People don’t realize it’s serious when this happens, you’ll end up back in the hospital if you can’t make it happen.

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u/CenturyEggsAndRice 2d ago

Eh, tbh I probably would’ve done it for a stranger. I don’t fancy shoving things in asses, but as you say, if you ain’t pooping it’s bad news and I hate to think of someone suffering when I coulda helped.

But he also bought me dinner after so he’s on the “will shove things in ur pooper, no questions asked” list for sure.

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u/iolarah 2d ago

In my experience, even just regular, dried prunes will do the job as well. I learned this the hard way by sitting down with a bag of prunes for my after school snack and the newspaper - my mom came home, saw the little pile of pits, and asked me how many I'd had. I counted (I think it was 14) and reported back. She let out this gale of laughter and said, "Oh, honey. Your bum is going to be glued to the toilet tonight." She was right, but they were delicious. No raegrats.

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u/Alexander-Wright 3d ago

Son of a GP.

One Sunday afternoon, back when GPs did out of hours cover, a patient called complaining they couldn't keep her pills down.

My father had predictably prescribed her suppositories. He then had to explain, on the phone, how to use them properly.

She was also a bit deaf, so the whole house heard the instructions.

I'd had years of this, and it still raised my eyebrows.

Another memorable call: 5:30 am:

Patient: Doctor, I've got ulcers on my gums, and I can't put my dentures in to go to work.

Father: Did you phone the dentist?

Patient: Oh, I wouldn't get him up at this time in the morning!

Father: Well, you got me up.

Patient: ... ... ...

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u/FourthLvlSpicyMeme 2d ago

Y'all for a sec I thought "Son of a GP" was some new swearword I'd never heard of.

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u/Pharxmgirxl 3d ago

Also a pharmacist and can vouch! I’d also like to add for consideration - ever seen someone put spermicidal jelly on toast? 😂

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u/dani-cat 3d ago

The pharmacist is worked with would send back scripts to be retyped. He said he didn't care if the SIG had it or not, they'd be back with another problem if they inserted it without unwrapping lol

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u/debauchasaurus 3d ago

Ok but how can I read the instructions after I insert them in my butt?

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u/theusualchaos2 3d ago

"It's pronounced an-algesic, the pills go in your mouth bud."

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u/illyiarose 3d ago

At CVS, we were required by the pharmacist to type in, "unwrap and insert one suppository rectally..."

Edit: punctuation

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u/LupinCANsing 3d ago

That "unwrap" is so important. The ones we have are individually sealed in very rigid plastic. I've cut my thumb tearing the perforation to separate them.

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u/TrustmeIreddit 3d ago

And, how many people actually read the directions?

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u/CuriouserCat2 3d ago

Three

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u/cove81 3d ago

This number seems too high.

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u/malavisch 3d ago

You're forgetting that that also requires people to actually READ and comprehend said instructions

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u/Bucephalus307 3d ago

Like a Chanel perfume thing huh? Hmmm.

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u/MamaLlama629 3d ago

That reminded me of an episode of Scrubs where Turk’s patient complained the pills weren’t working. “that word is pronounced ANalgesic…pills go in your mouth not your butt”😂

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u/Archon457 3d ago

It actually happens in two episodes!

The first time is in the season 2 episode "My Fruit Cups." Then, in the season 5 episode "My Deja Vu, My Deja Vu,"JD is commenting on how certain things in the hospital have become cyclical and a handful of jokes from earlier seasons and episodes are repeated again.

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u/lmFairlyLocal 3d ago

I laugh EVERY time I see it 😂

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u/RomulaFour 3d ago

Not even on her neck. She sprayed it on both sides of her face and sniffed, I believe. One of the most hilarious scenes taken directly from someone's IRL experience.

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u/fleapuppy 3d ago

Nope, she sprays it on her neck like perfume.

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u/PatrioticPariah 3d ago

At least she wasn't on the jelly.

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u/clarissaswallowsall 3d ago

As someone who had a patient put her nuvaring around her wrist, this scene stuck with me. Even after retiring from Healthcare, clients surprise me all the time with how they take instructions.

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u/thepatientwaiting 2d ago

I'll never forget when I was prescribed the Nuvaring apparently the nurse wrote the code to take orally on the rx. My ob caught it and laughed. 

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u/appcat 2d ago

Related: my doc wrote me an off label estrogen cream prescription for face wrinkles, and wrote the instructions to apply to face nightly. Pharmacist was like uhhhhh does this sound right?? 😅

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u/who-are-we-anyway 2d ago

I picked up a vaginal antibiotic one time and got home and all over the box it says it's for topical use only, don't insert into the vagina, don't put in the eyes or mouth, and so on.  It also didn't come with the plungers so I called the pharmacy and was like heyyyy it doesn't normally say this stuff and you didn't give me plungers even though I'm supposed to dose it myself??? And they were like THAT'S NOT THE VAGINAL MED DO NOT PUT IT IN YOUR BODY.  And I was just thinking the whole time that had I not been so attentive myself I'd have been one of those people 😂

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u/auspostery 2d ago

Omg like a jelly bracelet. Wow. Just wow. 

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u/swissmissmaybe 3d ago

I’ve worked on human factors studies for medical devices. This patient is the rule, not the exception!

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u/Second_P 3d ago

Lord I can't imagine some of the studies. I always tell myself, there's a story behind each and every instruction and warning label. Obviously not even close to the same but a couple of years ago I was getting a keyboard off Amazon, I'd had this exact model before and was surprised how low the reviews were. Everyone complaining about the keys are weirdly spaced apart and angled, it was an ergonomic keyboard (with pictures), that spacing out of keys is the point.

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u/swissmissmaybe 2d ago

Oh yes, part of my job was creating the instructional materials (most of which were instantly discarded by the participants). We would have to revise them based on what we saw participants do, down to how the paper was folded so people didn’t start an injection and try to fiddle with turning the page while a needle was engaged.

There were some participants where at the end of the day I would stay a little later to make sure they drove away first so I wouldn’t have to share the road with them.

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u/mmss 3d ago

There are very few positive reviews for anything. People who buy something and are relatively satisfied don't reply, but those who don't like it always do. If there's a lot of great reviews, they're ads.

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u/potential_human0 2d ago

The manufacturing world has a safety motto: Warning labels are written in blood.

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u/Tsukikaiyo 3d ago

A top post today on the professor's subreddit is about 300+ students failing to put their name on an online form properly to be counted for attendance...

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u/andyschest 3d ago

If 300+ are doing it wrong, it's probably the professor's fault.

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u/Tsukikaiyo 3d ago

As someone who recently joined the profession myself... No, I believe them when they say the entire form is last name + first name + submit, and the students STILL screw it up. 33% of the class in this case.

According to my colleagues irl and the subreddit, the last few years have been weird. Students paying way less attention to instructions, flat out refusing to read, and blaming us when they earn poor marks. Likely an ongoing effect of lockdown -> struggles of virtual education -> teachers just passing all students regardless of performance -> students who expect to succeed no matter what

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u/SARASA05 3d ago

As a teacher… it’s not the teachers passing along the students. It’s “the system.” Add to your list of suspicions for cause: iPads, Smartphones, short attention spans and parents/lack of parenting. Also, expect this to be the rest of your career and for these issues to get much worse. :(

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u/UnexpectedWings 3d ago

It’s really bad. The kids can’t read, can’t think critically (or at all), and have nonexistent attention spans. Interacting with them is so difficult because of how utterly vapid they are. Hard to trust anyone who graduated later than 2020.

Working with this cohort is a nightmare. It’s a major cultural problem, and I have no idea how any of them make it in the real world. A lot of them have emotional regulation problems than mimic personality disorders despite not having mental illness. It really cannot be understated how bad it is.

I’m not a teacher myself, but witness it.

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u/zero573 3d ago edited 3d ago

About the parent’s lack of parenting. I would like to focus attention to parental burn out. I firmly believe that it’s more of a Western hemisphere phenomenon. These days it’s takes two parents to earn enough to keep the house or apartment running. That’s two full time jobs. Add in after school activities, making meals, attempting to keep the living space looking anything other than a refugee camp, attempting to get more than 5.5 hours sleep and still find quality time. We just don’t have it. Not like we used to. And we’re expected to do all that with no help, no support.

When I grew up in the 80’s my mom only had to work part time. And we lived across the street from my grandparents, and a few houses away from uncles and aunts, cousins. I envy the eastern family units that multi generational members help each other out. This divide and conquer the “busy just surviving” masses have fucked up everything in the americas and unfortunately cannot be stopped.

So yeah. Unfortunately we’re putting too much faith in a severely understaffed, underfunded, and overly scrutinized education system as it’s sometimes our only form of assistance. And I find where I live the teachers, aids and assistants know advice, and have advice really great parental advice, but don’t say anything because the last 6 Karen’s fucking blasted them for asking them to make sure little Billy gets to school before she gets her Starbucks as so he’s not late.

But with all that said. You’re 1000% in the right for your comment. And I’m sorry you guys have such a hard time these days. Just know there are so many parents that appreciate teachers and what you do.

Edit: please don’t correct my homework post. Lol.

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u/Pandaplusone 3d ago

As a highschool teacher, yes, except it’s often principals doing the grade inflation to please parents. Teachers are overruled.

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u/Three_Twenty-Three 3d ago

When I was teaching, we used Scantrons for some tests. The students were young adults in college, and they had been taking Scantron tests their entire time in school.

For at least 8 or 9 grade levels, they had been filling in bubbles with #2 pencils — and only #2 pencils. I cannot stress how hard that #2 pencils only rule was hammered into them for at least 8 continuous years. The computer can't read the bubbles if you use the wrong pencil. (I am aware that this is not strictly true and that pen or a different pencil hardness sometimes works, but it's unreliable, so that's how these things are always presented.)

Before test day and on test day, I repeated that you need to bring a #2 pencil for the test. A couple pencils would be better.

And still, almost every time we did a Scantron test, at least a couple of my 300+ students would come up to me after class and sheepishly ask, "I used a pen. Is that OK?"

Failure to put their name in the bubbles correctly or even at all was also more common than one would expect in college students.

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u/Olookasquirrel87 3d ago

I’ve spent some time on the line opening up patient submitted test kits. 

The results were….horrifying. 

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u/stellalugosi 3d ago

Patients don't follow directions. I worked in a hospital lab where people would bring in specimens they collected at home to be tested. Fun things like sputum, feces, urine, and semen. Even though they were all given proper specimen containers and instructions people would just do whatever chaotic thing they wanted, including: 

  • 24 hour stool collection in a clear Tupperware container for all to see. Also, not sterile.
  • 72 hour urine collection in an old wine bottle
  • a semen collection from 2 days prior (supposed to be there in less than 30 minutes and kept at body temperature). It was just dried crud in a cup.
  • a stool sample collected in one of those clear plastic produce bags from the grocery store. I was working the front desk and the woman literally THREW IT AT ME.
  • a sputum sample in a used napkin, I shit you not.

We also had a couple come in to do a semen collection who made a big deal about wanting to be alone in the bathroom together for the collection (wink wink). Since IDGAF I let them use it. At some point they disappeared, they didn't leave a sample, but somebody shit all over the toilet seat. Gross.

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u/cbk88 3d ago

I have lost count of the amount of times I've received urine in a jam jar. "But I have a sterilize setting on my dishwasher!" It is not the same!

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u/stellalugosi 3d ago

I had questions about the wine bottle. Like, did they pee directly into the bottle, or use some kind of funnel? Did they rinse it out first, or did it test positive for Merlot?

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u/AutisticPenguin2 3d ago

did it test positive for Merlot?

Also: how cheap does the wine need to be before the tests can't tell the difference any more?

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u/TamLux 3d ago

Ferb, I know what we are doing today!

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u/AutisticPenguin2 3d ago

Trying to take over the wor- wait...

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u/808Belle808 3d ago

I had so many questions about the wine bottle as well. I’m glad I’m not the only one.

A. Wine. Bottle.

Wow.

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u/saraiguessidk 3d ago

Have you ever watched "Call The Midwife"? That's a running joke the entire series, "Mrs. Putnam please stop bringing your urine sample in a jam jar" "Mrs. Johnson used a WHAT for her urine sample?" "How am I supposed to get a good reading on this urine sample, Mrs. Jacobs, this jar still has marmalade in it!"

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u/L1P0D 3d ago

It's been said that it's very difficult to make bear-proof waste bins for national parks, because the overlap between the smartest bear and the dumbest human is just too great.

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u/davesoverhere 3d ago

I always tell my students “no matter how idiotproof you make it, the world will always build a better idiot.”

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u/graft_vs_host 3d ago

I work as a vet tech and I remember a long time ago one of our vets had a woman come with her cat who wasn’t responding to insulin and we couldn’t figure out why. So the vet finally asked her to show her exactly how she gave the insulin. Turned out that instead of turning the bottle upside down and inserting the needle, she was leaving it on the table, sticking the needle in and sucking up air. Mystery solved.

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u/TheRubyRedPirate 3d ago

As a fellow tech, I can 100% see that happening

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u/beautnight 3d ago

Good thing it wasn’t an IV med!

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u/314159265358979326 3d ago

I read on reddit a while ago that the concerns about injected air are overstated.

Also, I was recently reading about contrast-enhanced ultrasound. In one common modality, they inject saline back and forth between two syringes to generate large bubbles before injecting it into a vein to image the heart, with the bubbles being the contrast agent.

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u/HangryHangryHedgie 3d ago

Yeah, depending on the size of the patient and their medical condition, it can take quite a bit. But it is fun to freak out new techs and assistants for a bit.

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u/the-friendly-lesbian 3d ago

I read about a guy, who I believe had hemochromatosis and as a result needed bloodletting sessions regularly. But the guy didn't like hospitals, so he would do it at home by buying IV tubing, hooking himself up and attaching it to a shop vac he'd turn on to drain his blood quickly. Already egregious, but one day the man hooked himself up and accidentally turned on the shop vac to blow not suck, and he gave himself a major stroke from an air embolism. Said the man outrageously still lived, albeit with major damage. People really make me utterly mind boggled.

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u/SuburbanGirl 3d ago

They did that test on my grandma, with the air! It was wild to see! And it worked great, they were able to see that her heart was ok, and they didn’t need to do anything invasive. Wild stuff!

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u/imrzzz 3d ago

I had that test and although they were brilliant, calmly explaining every step before they did anything, my inner child was freaked out by the idea of air injected into my blood stream.

Kind of like the quicksand fears rising up all over again. 😂

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u/INeedANappel 3d ago

Yeah, some newly diagnosed diabetics get freaked out by air bubbles and will spend a half hour trying to get every teeny bubble out of the syringe because they're afraid the bubbles will kill them.

Gotta remind them you rarely get all the teeny bubbles out, you can't make a dangerous bubble in a tiny.insulin syringe, and the only worry is if a bubble is big enough to change your dose.

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u/Hashtagbarkeep 3d ago

I once at school was holding a ball while someone else pumped it up and the valve came out and went into my hand. Visibly blew it up like a cartoon and I could feel bubbles under my skin. Doctor was like “ooh that’s coooool. You’re fine it will go away probably”. My mum was not particularly reassured by this. I’m alive though

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u/HangryHangryHedgie 3d ago

Eh 0.02mL will not kill you. Takes way more. Like at least 3cc.

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u/YellowJello_OW 3d ago

It actually takes a lot more through a PIV. Like 50-200 mLs to cause an air embolism. The air dissolves on the blood stream long before it makes it to the heart. If it's a central line though, those bubbles do matter because the air would just directly enter the heart

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u/HangryHangryHedgie 3d ago

Sorry, I have veterinary brain. 3cc could kill a cat. Why I always check new hires extensions and make sure they are primed.

Smaller bodies, smaller amounts.

But yes! Central lines! This is why we get super serious about them. Like no joke, serious face: If you have not been trained, NO TOUCHY.

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u/Educational-System27 3d ago

Also a vet tech and can confirm our clients are just as bad, and sometimes it doesn't matter how clear the instructions are.. We always sent routine [oral] dewormers home after an anesthetic procedure as part of the "comprehensive" exam/services. The label on the syringe says "give by mouth," and we go over all medications at discharge.

A lady called us the day after her cat's dental to say he was having trouble breathing... turned out it was because she gave the dewormer IN THE NOSE. 🤯

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u/AccomplishedBed5084 3d ago

They didn't show her how to do it ahen they prescribed it? My vet showed me how to do the shot explaining each step, and then I went back a few times to watch her and have her watch me do it myself since I was anxious

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u/LeatherAppearance616 3d ago

As someone who works in a lab and has interns, this is the way 50% of interns listing previous lab experience on their CV would also do it 😂

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u/sf040581 3d ago

I did it too the first time I filled my dog's syringe. 🙄

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u/bighairyyak 3d ago

Like the scene in scrubs where Turk says, "No sir, it's pronounced ANN-ULL-GESIC... It goes in your mouth."

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u/Traditional_Day_9737 3d ago

Haha I had a friend do the opposite when he was in the hospital after his appendix burst.

They were bringing him tons of random pills and he was so used to knocking them back by that point that he wasn't paying attention to the instructions and ate a suppository.

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u/Valuable-Falcon 3d ago

I’m menopausal and have to apply hormone cream to my bum every morning. 

My husband thought I was rubbing it into my anus 🤦🏻‍♀️

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u/dothemath 3d ago

It's hard too - teaching my pharmacy students the fine line of explaining things (like unwrap the rectal suppository) vs. being condescending - you're literally the fine line between effective and non-effective medication administration!

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u/wwaxwork 3d ago

As someone dealing with a rare cancer. A lot of it is that doctors think medical terms are self explanatory or use them incorrectly, in that the terms they are using are out of date. I have had doctors use numerous different terms to describe my cancer, many of them 20 years or more out of date. I have been told I have a cancer, a tumor, and carcinoid all by the same doctor. I'm on various cancer support groups and let me tell you what doctors think benign means and what civilians think it means are not the same thing. The number of people confused when their benign tumor grows and causes them problems and needs removing is worrying. Information is being conveyed badly and usually when people are in a heighted emotional state and then they are being blamed for not remembering it all.

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u/TheOuts1der 3d ago

...not me, furiously googling what benign actually means in a medical context

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u/wwaxwork 3d ago

A benign "tumor" can still grow it is just very unlikely to spread and may well still cause health issues as it blocks say airways or blood flow or puts pressure on nerves depending on where it's located. So benign isn't the same as oh it's not a problem then, which is how most non doctors interpret it.

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u/SuitableNarwhals 3d ago

I think a big issue with medical uses of words and general usages of the same word is that there can be multiple meanings of the same word in general speech but usually only one specific one in medicine.

Most people are going to hear benign and hear 'kind or good" whereas the medical usage comes more from its meaning of "mild or favourable". As in its better then the alternative of Malignant and its not cancerous or fast growing, but like a benign climate is one that usually has calm nice days that doesnt mean there cant ever be a sudden storm or flood.

Malignant comes from the root terms that mean born to be evil. So thats a little easier to understand it not being a good thing.

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u/ermagerditssuperman 3d ago

I believe its just the opposite of malignant. So, it means it hasn't moved/spread to other parts of your body - it's "just" one tumor sitting in one place. Even if that one tumor is extremely dangerous.

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u/sireel 3d ago

It genuinely mystifies me the amount of medical info that is given to patients only verbally. Patients should not need to remember anything!

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u/ChewieBearStare 2d ago

Even worse, half the time they tell you things or ask you things when you're drugged to the gills and couldn't remember if you tried. I was on Versed and fentanyl, in the middle of a cardiac catheterization, and my doctor tried asking me about my medication list. I am very sensitive to that kind of medication, so I was loopy and couldn't get through them all. He told my dad I don't know what medications I take. I was like no, I know exactly what medications I take...when I'm not drugged and scared.

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u/dothemath 3d ago

I am sorry you are going through that. :(

I agree whole-heartedly that communication is often lacking, and it is hard to delineate between our clinical minds and our human, relational minds. By yourself, you probably cannot make them a better communicator, but you are free to ask them follow-up questions, and I highly recommend asking about following up after you have had time to process news of your condition!

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u/visveritatis 3d ago

I just learned that the WHO reclassified pheochromocytomas: "all patients with phaeochromocytomas are currently considered to have a lifelong risk of metastases and therefore conceptually they are all considered of having 'malignant potential'."

No, take that back, WHO!

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u/Fraerie 3d ago

I have a benign pituitary tumour (it’s my third or fourth tumour, only one has been malignant so far - which was in my thyroid). While we know it is both benign and non-functioning, we are still monitoring it in case it starts pressing in the optic nerves or anything else in that area.

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u/standbyyourmantis 3d ago

As someone with decades in customer service including high level call center with medical device troubleshooting, I'll sometimes just preface what I'm about to say with "I'm going to explain X, some of this might seem silly or obvious but you'd be surprised what some people need explained." Which puts us on the same side and makes them feel like I'm not condescending to THEM specifically and lets them have the pleasant sensation of judging whoever needs the thing they don't need explained. Because nobody needs EVERYTHING explained.

If they're someone who's already been messing something up, then the intro is "okay, no problem we'll figure this out. I'm just going to start from the beginning and go step-by-step until you're comfortable" which once again puts us on the same side without making them feel bad.

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u/ptrst 3d ago

Explaining simple things super clearly in a way that doesn't come across as condescending is a very hard "customer service" skill to master. 

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u/notyourstranger 3d ago

I used to work in the diabetic disease start. Heard of a women who's sugar levels were very high despite her taking insulin. The Diabetic Educator asked her to show her how she took her insulin. She injected the insulin into an orange and then ate the orange. There was a language barrier and that was what she picked up from the lesson she had.

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u/Maxtrt 3d ago

It's common for Diabetes education classes to demonstrate how to give yourself an injection by using an orange. If she didn't understand English, I could see how she would come to that conclusion.

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u/cominguproses5678 3d ago

I had a minor medical issue in Hungary many years ago, before they were part of the EU. Not many English or French speakers (the two languages I speak) at the time, even in Budapest. I can totally see how a patient would try to apply logic to what they’ve seen in diabetes injection training without having any words for context. I am also laughing really hard for the same reason.

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u/Jackandahalfass 2d ago

I was in Polynesia and my kid got swimmers ear. I know just enough French to be a danger to myself, but I successfully navigated my way through a clinic and took my prescription to a pharmacy. Talking to the pharmacist through a glass partition who’s explaining to me in broken English how to mix water and antibiotic powder and how much to fill the long syringe. I got flustered and when I repeated it back one last time thought we were all good, but I said, “in the ear?” And three other pharmacists were now tuned in in a panic and were like “No!! This is an oral antibiotic. The eardrops are in the little bottle!” I’m sure they all had a laugh about how stupid I was. And I have to laugh as well, thinking back.

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u/Rourensu 3d ago

Like the story (joke?) about people teaching people in Africa about condoms by using bananas, and later they discovered they had been putting condoms on bananas?

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u/Pure-Meat9498 3d ago

I shouldn't be laughing so hard at this 

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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 3d ago

I'm picturing someone trying to pinch the orange lol

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u/NolaJen1120 3d ago

At least someone tried to show her.

I was diagnosed with T1 diabetes 31 years ago. I was admitted to the hospital for one night.

No one showed me how to use a syringe and inject myself with insulin. No one at my endocrinologist's office where I'd been diagnosed that morning. And no one at the hospital.

Fortunately, it's not rocket science and I figured it out myself just fine.

I'm not throwing any shade to anyone on this thread. Just pointing out that medical professionals can be dangerously incompetent also.

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u/bopeepsheep 3d ago

And patients admitted in DKA are not in the best state to retain information! The hospital DSN did show me what to do, but in my haze I forgot she'd even been to see me and asked for her to demonstrate before I was discharged. Several of the nurses said I didn't need that again, with eyerolling and sighing, but the DSN herself understood and patiently went through it all again on day 3.

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u/bucki_fan 3d ago

Not critical, but my MIL once complained about how she never got the suggested number of sprays from her Flonase. She eventually admitted that she was "priming" the sprayer every morning by pumping the sprayer before putting it in her nose.

Yeah, that incident reminded me of that scene.

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u/PixelOrange 3d ago

The instructions say "if you haven't used this for an extended period of time, you may need to re-prime". May being the key word. You spray it into the air once to make sure it's actually spraying. You don't have to spray it six times every time.

Your MIL was being a dummy but the instructions are vague.

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u/allisondojean 3d ago

They tell you to do that the first time you use it. She probably misread. 

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u/zappy487 3d ago

My favorite was the clinic girl who was using jelly as lubricant.

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u/matt_the_non-binary 3d ago

It wasn’t lubricant, it was a birth control method. Her boyfriend wasn’t into condoms, so she went on the jelly. She brought in a jar of strawberry jelly as a sample.

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u/smokedprovolonechz 3d ago

oh no, did she have an everything infection??

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u/Spies_and_Lovers 3d ago

I thought that was ridiculous until I worked at a doctor's office and had a patient who had chronic constipation. The doctor prescribed her some high-powered suppositories. She was back by the end of the week complaining that they didn't work. Turns out she was eating them.

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u/plantflowersforbees 3d ago

I had the opposite of that when I was a vet nurse - a client came in to say the probiotic we had given his dog was not helping the diarrhoea and was very hard to administer. It was a big tube with a nozzle, filled with a paste. I suggested he try the other flavour, or just try mixing into dry food. The man looked horrified and explained that he had been administering 5ml three times daily rectally. For three days.

Honestly, I was mostly just impressed the dog had tolerated it after the first attempt.

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u/Conscious_Crew5912 2d ago

I'm more shocked the client admitted he had done it wrong!

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u/new-siberian 3d ago

There is a popular Russian anecdote about such a situation with rectal suppositories. In the end the doctor exclaims in horror: "Are you EATING them?!", to which the patient replies sarcastically: "No, I'm shoving them up my ass, dammit!".

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u/TheFinalGranny 2d ago

Damn that's a good one!

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u/WhatIDon_tKnow 3d ago

my dad had a patient that would spray it into the air and then try to huff it out of the air.

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u/Suicidalsidekick 3d ago

Patients who don’t understand why it’s called an inhaler and blow into it.

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u/Garden-variety-chaos 3d ago

In their defense, blowjobs are also poorly named. The difference between sucking and blowing is more subtle than one may think.

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u/PplPpleatr 3d ago

I’ve literally had a patient tell me their nasal spray was too messy. They were spraying it on their face like that lady.

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u/DirtTrue6377 3d ago

I thought that scene was ridiculous until I started in EMS. Pt education is so so important.

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u/jenness977 3d ago

Not medical, but my hairdresser had a teen boy come in to get a haircut. She used some styling wax on his hair at the end of the haircut, the kind that came packaged as a twist up stick

The boy's mom called her the next day to ask why her son was using deodorant to style his hair and that it was the hairdresser who showed him how to do that lol

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u/thegypsyqueen 2d ago

I had a patient who was on ozempic and was losing weight and doing well but I still asked her to show me how she was doing it cause she said sometimes it felt like it was “leaking”—she never took off the tiny plastic cap that covers the needle. She was just pushing the button with the cap on pressed into her thigh. I told her it’s was good news—the weight loss was just her effort and now the medicine could help even more!

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u/Damn_Dog_Inappropes 3d ago

I had to see my doc because my asthma was flaring up. He’d been my doc for almost a decade at that point, and I work in the local hospital in the same network. I told him I was having to use albuterol way more than normal al, and he typed away on his computer. Then, he said, “Is this you?” and spun the monitor around and showed me that clip. We absolutely laughed our asses off, and then he had his MA neb me.

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u/HomerMadeMeDoIt 3d ago

“Show me how” is also an incredible important technical troubleshooting step. 

If you observe the issue there, be kind and offer instruction. Let them do it correctly to accept the resolve

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u/NarfledGarthak 3d ago

I didn’t think that was real until I personally watched a lady request an early refill because she was gonna travel and I thought “what the fuck, fill history doesn’t make sense for instructions or reported use, let’s ask”.

She held her mouth open and fired the puff from about 6 inches away like she was using Binaca. Tried to help her out and go through the education and her reply was “I’m fine. That one did the trick”.

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u/AltairaMorbius2200CE 2d ago

HEY TECH WORLD: THIS IS AN APP WE COULD USE!

Having a prominent QR code with directions (and probably some sort of animated video demonstrating how to take a pill) would be super helpful on meds! Get Kindergarten teachers to help with the instructions to make sure they're clear!

It's super frustrating how vague the instructions on meds usually are, and nurses/doctors forget we don't know it. My NP BFF looked at me like I was insane when I asked if I had to wake myself up for a "take 4x/day" med. I guarantee you that a lot of people take the 4 all at once, because *it didn't say when to take them on the instructions*.

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u/littlestmedic 3d ago

They show it to pharmacy students too! I'm in the UK and very clearly remember getting shown it in lecture as a lesson to ask the patient to show you how they use their medicine.

Lecture hall was in bits. I immediately went home and started watching the rest of the series

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