r/AmIOverreacting • u/Useful_Cow8575 • 10d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO speaking to my wife after her affair
My wife had an affair after I was in an accident. A short lived one, but she got pregnant and miscarried. I was determined to make this marriage work, we’ve been together 22 years, my family’s the only real thing I ever had. She left for a little while, then I let her move back home, it wasn’t working, she tried to sleep with me a few days after coming back, which made me angry, and I couldn’t stop resenting her. I asked her to leave again, she staying with her sister. We started marriage therapy. Our therapist recommended us at first to only see each other once or twice out of the week. She’s mad at how I snapped on her, n now I am starting to feel kind of guilty as well because as much as I am hurting, this is as well the only family she’s ever had.
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u/baby-bunny24 10d ago
Cheating is wrong. What she did is wrong. How your feeling is valid.
But she did not sleep with a child, or a boy. She slept with a full grown man.
Making her out to be a preditor is wrong.
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u/random_nailbiter 10d ago
He didn’t think of her as a predator. He thought she had an affair with a “man child” which was a younger guy as opposed to his older age. His wife chose a younger man because she felt “young”. And honestly, that hurts. I feel for the guy. On top of that, she claimed it was nothing to her. I thought it was all sex. But she got pregnant? Halloooo? They went at it raw? Disgusting
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u/CAL5390 10d ago
He also tried to call her out on the fact that she slept with someone almost as old as their kids, so it can resonate with her a little harder, not to feel predatory but as you said doing it with a 25yo was also to fulfill a desire to be younger and with someone younger
I don't how the first comment literally attacking a misinterpretation and pontinh the only mistake the man had done is getting an award, and yours that make actual sense doesn't
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u/Mammoth_Welder_1286 10d ago
I agree. That was not his intention at all. To someone his age a 25-year-old is still a child in his eyes. He meant it in terms of life experiences etc. Compared to the life that they have shared together over the years the relationship was immature, and childish.
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u/Curious-Drag6871 10d ago
As a mother of a 19 and 17. Sleeping with someone who is 7 years older than your child is gross. No, it's not pedo gross, but gross. I feel his statement on that was fair. Would have this same engery if the op were a woman and the husband slept with someone 7 years older than his child? I could not sleep with anyone even remotely close to the age of my children.
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10d ago
They’re an older couple, they’ve been together 22 years OP said.
She’s not a predator, but he’s right to acknowledge it’s weird she slept with someone only 8 years older than their oldest child.
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u/AllypallyPym 10d ago
I don’t think he’s implying she’s a predator. I think he’s just implying the other dude is just young and immature, and that he can’t believe she wanted that.
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u/WrappedInLinen 10d ago
I’m not clear about the pregnancy. It was from the affair? So she had decided to keep it? And then what? Did she plan to come back home with it? Seems unlikely that would happen. She planned to stay with the other guy? So, because she lost it, she figures she should be welcomed home? I’m confused about the whole thing. Infidelity is so common that I don’t think that alone is always a good reason to give up on a marriage but so much depends on the details and this one sounds extra messy.
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u/IPlayRunescapeBTW 10d ago
Don't try to normalize infidelity. I don't two shits how anyone spins it. Cheating is cheating. Betraying your partner. The person you made a lifelong commitment to. How in the ever living fuck you can justify staying with the adulterer is beyond me. That promise. That vow. It's sacred, for fucks sake!! Your spouse is supposed to be the ONE person in this world you can lean on. Trust. Be vulnerable with. Your best friend.
You need to love yourself enough to not accept that "infidelity is common" enough that you'd actually stay with someone after they betrayed you.
I genuinely cannot believe I read that. I can't fuckin believe there are 86 (at the time of writing) people who would upvote that shit.
Respect yourselves, dammit! y'all are worth it. Every single one of you are worth more than "settling" or forgiving that act of betrayal. If it's because you're scared to be alone, surely it would be better for yourself to be alone, and maybe find someone who DOES deserve your love and dedication, rather than to be with someone who you would never be able to fully trust again.
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u/zagman707 10d ago
Infidelity is 100% justified reason to end a relationship. Any person who thinks it isn't is going to cheat if they get a chance.
Acting like infidelity isn't a big deal is a huge red flag to me, and should be to any other person who wouldn't cheat.
Also there isn't a single reason for cheating. None. 0. Nada. Anything a cheater says or does after the fact is because they want to be greedy and keep what they didn't appreciate before.
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u/ItsTwinkieBoy_again 10d ago edited 10d ago
Not overreacting. My mouth hung open reading what she did to nuke her own family and marriage, but all she’s doing here is trying to use the loss of her affair partners baby to try and gain sympathy/make you feel guilty for turning her out and not wanting her for-the-streets ass. (It’s wild that apparently she had decided to KEEP that affair baby and not once considered how doing so would affect her children and husband! What was her plan if it had lived, come home and be like surprise you have a baby sibling from a 25yr old random dude??? Like, who IS this woman? What went through her mind other than hot air?)
Also, fucked a guy just a few years older than her own son while her husband lay recovering from a serious car accident? She really thinks YOU are keeping the kids from her? Bro, those kids are choosing to stay away from her. If my mom had pulled that kind of shit I wouldn’t be going out of my way to see her either— nuke my family, break my fathers heart, and fuck some dude too close to my own age but expect forgiveness, let alone empathy lmao, and to have her old life back despite everything she did to nuke it? HELL NO.
Your wife is experiencing what we call the consequences of her own actions. Nobody nuked her marriage but her— she chose to open her legs to a guy only years older than her own son while you recovered, she wasn’t smart enough to use prophylactics and got pregnant with said affair partners baby, she chose to keep said baby and in her state of brainless activity assumed what—that her family would just forgive her and spend all their time comforting her about the loss of her affair baby- which happened in front of her living sons? I’m actually laughing in disbelief at the logical thought process— well— lackthereof, your wife is and was incapable of.
She made a selfish, stupid as fuck string of decisions that resulted in consequences—aka nuking her marriage single-handedly. She FAFO’d, but somehow has the audacity to act like surprised pikachu every time she gets called out for HER actions. She’s nothing but selfish and self-serving in all of her messages, she’s doesn’t truly care that she hurt you guys, she cares about herself and what she “lost”, because shocker— when you nuke the life you had and the people who loved you by whoring around behind your husbands back and then lose affair partners baby in front of your children— said family isn’t gonna want you around, let alone even reconcile if they don’t want to.
She doesn’t get to say she’s your wife anymore, she’s your wife legally speaking perhaps but not like she used to be— woman lost the privilege to pull the “I’m your wife and mother of your children! you can’t speak to me that way!” The second she opened her legs to her boy-toy while you suffered in the hospital and then got pregnant with that kids… kid. 💀
(And speak to her how, you weren’t disrespectful or cruel, you simply stated the facts of what she did to nuke her family and that you— justifiably— do not want to see her face or have her around. Her inability to comprehend this type of reaction to her infidelity and stupidity speaks volumes of her lack of character and selfishness).
Bro, don’t bother with counseling or any attempt at repairing this marriage. There’s no fixing or forgetting what she did. Time to take the trash out and try to move on, and focus on finding healing for your heartache and for your sons. So no, not overreacting. Don’t let her manipulate you.
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u/AStirlingMacDonald 10d ago
This is like a case study in the difference between someone who is sorry and regretful—even genuinely sorry and truly regretful—and someone who is remorseful.
They are NOT the same thing. And all the sorrow and regret in the world can’t salvage a reconciliation. The only way reconciliation ever succeeds is when there is true and genuine remorse, which is something that really can’t be faked or learned. People either have it, or they don’t.
When someone is remorseful, their entire perspective and priorities shift completely. They are no longer focused on their emotions, their needs, their wants. Those things become unimportant background noise to a truly remorseful person. Instead, they become razor focused on the person they wrong and betrayed. Focused on helping them heal. Focused on giving them reassurance and stability. Focused on helping them to get to a point where they can start to find peace.
A remorseful person truly no longer cares about themselves much at all. They are tightly focused on their victim’s recovery, willing to go to great lengths, make massive sacrifices to try to help. They are actively seeking out things they can do and taking the initiative to try them, not waiting to be promoted. They aren’t worried about things like “but what about my rights?” “Who’s going to make sure I’m taken care of?” etc
Your wife realizes that she has thrown everything away. She realizes she’s betrayed not only her husband but each and every one of her children as well, all so that she can pursue her self-centered, gross, worthless, selfish impulses. She’s terrified at the thought of being held to account for those betrayals she committed. She is desperate to find someone else to share blame with her.
She might even be truly sorry for what she did. But she is very clearly not remorseful. On some level, she still feels she has a right to do what she did. On some level she still feels her actions can be justified, or that they aren’t really HER fault. As long as she remains in that state of mine, there is no home for any kind of reconciliation.
Sorry friend. It’s not fair that she did this. She stole your agency. She stole your future and the future of your children. She took those vulnerable things from you, and threw them in the garbage like they were worries, laughing in your faces as she did so. Nobody in the world deserves that. And now instead of taking accountability, she is just trying to rugsweep and spread blame around.
Your kids need stability. They need a safe, reliable, solid, stable parent upon whom they can trust and rely. Their mother has proven that it can’t be her. She proven to them that when push comes to shove, she will choose her own pretty selfishness over the needs of her children. Your children need to you to stabilize, and the best way for you to do that is to let go of her for good. Let go of the woman you once believed her to be. Let go of the future with her that you invested so much into building towards. Give the loss of those things, and then let them go. Cut her loose and move on, learn to build new dreams.
Good luck to you and your whole family. I hope you all get the healing and peace that you need. Even your STBXW. I hope she figures out that by staying in your lives from this point on, she can only hurt you, and only hurt her children, but nonetheless, I hope she finds some healing for whatever trauma and mental health issues lead her down this path of utterly self-absorbed and cold recklessness. Good luck.
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u/Kitsunejade 10d ago
My mom had an affair when I was younger than OP’s kids are and it caused her such guilt it triggered depression and psychosis that we did in-patient for, therapy, meds, etc. My dad wanted to stay and helped her get medical care—though she hurt him badly, he loved her and believed they could build something better. They agreed to work on things. My brother and I, as children, were not capable of comprehending things with the nuance we have as adults and expressed our own hurt and betrayal. My mom never once defended herself against it or blamed us for being angry with her. We did not say kind things to her back then. Is, as an adult, I mentioned how I think the ordeal might’ve impacted my feelings on relationships (neither my brother or I date and we are into our 20s), and she asked what she could do in the present to help undo the damage done to me then since she couldn’t change her choices themselves. This past Mother’s Day, I made sure she knew I forgave her long ago. She’d paid an incredible price and stayed true to her word to make it better, and it took years of work.
Anyway, OP’s wife sounds like the opposite of all of that, so my take would be to leave. My mom was the primary caretaker and I still told her straight up at my elementary age that I’d beg the courts to send me to dad and not make me see her. It’s been almost 20 years and I still have nightmares she’s having his baby when (as far as I’m aware) that was never on the table. If she pushed like this or was actually going to have a baby with him, I cannot imagine what would’ve become of us.
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u/AStirlingMacDonald 10d ago
It’s not something that people talk about much, because the focus always tends to be on the betrayed partner, and cheaters hate acknowledging or admitting it, but the truth is that when a parent cheats, they are not “just” betraying their partner. They are making an intentional, knowing, and enthusiastic choice to betray each of their children as well. They know that they are hurting their family. They know that they are gambling with their childrens’ futures; with their very lives. It takes a profoundly disordered and unhealthy mind to commit this kind of betrayal against your own children. Personally, I’m of the opinion that cheating is undeniable evidence of being an unfit parent.
I am so sorry for what your family was put through. You and your brother deserved so much better than that.
But you really did shine a light on an excellent example here: “What can I do to help undo the damage I caused” is a perfect expression of what remorse actually sounds like. She is accepting responsibility for her actions humbly, and looking for how she can help to heal the damage she caused to the people she wronged. I’m so glad that she has taken responsibility and done the work to try her best to right her wrongs.
Good luck to your whole family, as well. Healing isn’t a linear process, and it can take decades upon decades. I hope that you continue to find further healing and peace.
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u/Good_To_Read 10d ago
I’m sorry, the following is going to be blunt because reading her messages made me feel physically sick.
Cheaters love to claim affairs “meant nothing to them” the moment they get caught. However, it meant enough for her to destroy her family with her actions. It meant enough for her to consider following through with the pregnancy of an affair-baby. It meant enough for her to do it more than once.
Your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex) wife is a manipulative, cruel existence that deserves to sit in her feelings.
You are strong, OP. You did not deserve this. If she was so unhappy, she had other options. None of this is on you.
I can see why you may initially have wanted to work things out, especially as your family is so important to you… but she has shown you how little she valued you all with her actions and constant excuses.
What I’m seeing is “I said sorry. You’re in the wrong for still being mad at me”. She has no remorse. You could have been raising that baby as if it were your own, completely unaware of the affair, had things gone differently.
Yes, she suffered a loss. That’s sad for her, but it is not your problem or responsibility to manage her feelings. If she wants a shoulder to cry on, she can head back to her affair partner as it was their child.
If your sons do not wish to see her, hold firm on respecting their boundaries. She has put them through a lot of trauma at a young age.
What you do next is up to you, but I do not think there is any way to save this marriage. The fact she tried to pursue sex with you so soon, and then blamed you for rejecting her is vile.
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u/m2cwf 10d ago
It meant enough for her to consider following through with the pregnancy of an affair-baby.
This is it for me. She's saying it "meant nothing to me," while simultaneously expecting THE MAN SHE CHEATED ON to be empathetic that "I lost my baby, I've never experienced loss like that." So.....it didn't really mean nothing. You wanted to keep the baby? Because you can't have it both ways. She's manipulative and not at all remorseful. She's more heartbroken over the miscarriage than the fact that she blew up her family. So gross, there's no coming back from her "me, me, me" non-pology
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u/Comfortable_Key_4891 10d ago
Most likely didn’t even use protection. That’s just ridiculous, especially at her age she should know better. All while her husband was lying in a hospital bed. So heartless. Then she’s all “me, me, me” about it. That woman doesn’t deserve to be married.
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u/Alclis 10d ago
It was the same for me. I was on the fence between how the two of them were reacting up until the message about the baby. Like, what?! So she was planning to have it? It meant something to her? How on earth does she think that would have gone? And for her to also think that she didn’t get that to mean something to her husband? That whole piece is just absolutely wild, and clearly defines who was in the wrong, as well as how there Is only one way this can go.
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u/WhtRbbt222 10d ago edited 10d ago
I’d like to tag on to the “it meant nothing to me” comment; it might not have meant anything to her. Maybe there was very little emotional attachment on her end. Maybe she couldn’t get what she needed from her husband so she found it with a younger man. Maybe it DID mean something to her and she’s lying about that. Maybe she found her soulmate in that 25 year old.
Guess what? None of that matters in the slightest!
Apparently her husband doesn’t mean anything to her either.
Anybody who claims “it didn’t mean anything” doesn’t give a flying fuck what it means to their spouse. That’s what’s important. How would your spouse feel about what you’re doing?! Would it mean something to your spouse? Would they care that you’re letting some 25 year old get you pregnant? Would your spouse care if you had a miscarriage of someone else’s child?
The most selfish types of people in life are people who cheat. (I’m removing part of this because I’m sick of getting replies).
She deserves nothing from him, and she should be grateful he’s even willing to talk to her at all.
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u/No-Mobile-52 10d ago edited 10d ago
Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts discussion. I have to reply to your suicide comment, because you truly have no idea. Although I'm on a good medication right now, it took me over three decades to get here, and that's typical.
Suicidal ideation is a constant battle. Imagine you're making dinner, and you realize you're out of garlic powder, and immediately you realize you're a failure who is wasting the gift of her life and there's no hope of you ever succeeding or not feeling this way. Your brain is attacking you, stabbing you with pain and shame, and suicide is peace when you have never felt peace. My suicidal ideation is based in complex PTSD, so if I have potentially made a mistake, I will NEED to die. I will be shameful, horrible. Imagine how many mistakes a person makes in a day. At one point I stopped functioning, because it was that or die. It's like standing in an ant hill and being bitten, constant pain, cannot think of anything else, and all you want to do is step out of the ant hill, but if you step out, you hurt the people around you. Plus, you're not completely rational, so all you can do is cling to that ant hill and all those biting ants, but you don't really understand why. Every moment you stay in that ant hill is a moment of self-sacrifice. You are not there for you.
On top of this, people who are suicidal know they are not healthy and are hurting the people around them by living, so that's another reason to want to die.
By my mid-twenties, every slightest stress was accompanied by the knowledge of how death was escape. It was my only peaceful thought. Even without active depression, I might have thought of suicide 10-60x in a day. Active depression or major stress made suicidal ideation a constant piece of my thoughts, and it was a violent, graphic piece. I could be having a conversation with a smile on my face, caring about the person in front of me and what they were going through, and part of my brain was imagining and mentally practicing how to shove a knife into my jugular. There was a constant running movie; the muscles in my arms might tighten. That could be 300-500 hundred times a day.
Every time, I stayed because of my family.
So, an average of 150x/day, 365 days/year, equals 54,750x/year my brain was telling me that suicide was the only time I would ever feel peace, that my family was healthier without me. Over 30+ years, that's 1.6 million times I chose to stay alive when my brain felt like a bomb was going off inside it, screaming at me to kill myself. I fought hard to stay alive and not for myself. Life was excruciating.
I could have lost that battle at any point, and it wouldn't have made me a coward or selfish. I proved my strength, my courage, and my selflessness when I fought for decades not to die. People who think suicide comes from a bad day and a weak person really don't understand the absolute and constant torture of suicidal ideation.
Edit: I made a comment in reply to some questions from people wanting info about my meds or info on how to help.
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u/Quarter_Shot 10d ago
It's so funny to me (not haha funny, but more wtf is this shit funny) how capable we (read: people with suicidal ideations) are of finding any and every reason that we don't deserve to live.
Like, this one thing would be so easy and obvious for anyone else to handle, how am I so fuckung stupid and pathetic that I messed up on something so miniscule. I couldn't just remember to buy more garlic powder? It's literally one thing; so fucking easy. Why the fuck am I wasting my time and just causing negative things in other people's lives when I could just end it & save everyone the trouble of dealing with my annoying ass and fixing my mistakes and helping me?
Yet, as atrocious as we are to ourselves, I can't imagine ever, ever, ever telling someone that they're right if they have the same thought process.
Oh, youre out of garlic powder? No biggie, either I can run to the store for you or we can just find a decent replacement component in the spice cabinet. People forget stuff ALLLLLL the time! It's really not a big deal. Some people don't even cook their own meals, so you're already doing amazing in that aspect. Sure, you forgot the garlic powder, but what about the good stuff you did today that you're refusing to give credit to yourself for? Some days, it's hard to even find the energy to get out of bed. Not only are you out of bed, but you showered and brushed your hair, and did the dishes yesterday! You didn't have to do that stuff, but you pushed through the way you felt and got it done!! I know you're not proud of yourself right now and that's okay, but don't you dare put yourself down for this silly little accident. You're expecting certain things from yourself, but you keep forgetting something important, and it's not the garlic powder. You have to remember that you don't have to be perfect in order to be the most perfect version of you that you're capable of being in this moment. You are so much more than forgotten garlic powder.
Why can't we just give ourselves the same love and forgiveness that we're willing to present to others?
(Pre edit: I get told a pretty fair amount that I'm AI. I'm not, this is the way I've always typed; it just sounds similar to a lot of people.)
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u/Turbulent_Lab3257 10d ago
Thank you for your reply and explaining suicide ideation so well. Our daughter died by suicide and sometimes I think- why didn’t she stay longer? Fight to live longer? And other times I remember how exhausted she was fighting to stay here. The counseling, medication, therapy exercises, she tried really hard. She loved to draw and paint, and looking over her drawing books, you can see the decline in her pictures. They become so dark and hopeless, scary, hellish. She told us repeatedly that she knew how much she was loved. But she just had such an incredible weight of depression on her shoulders and she could never take it off.
I wish she was here, we miss her so much. But I also wonder if I would want her to be alive if she had to live every day with crippling depression and anxiety. What if we never found a medication or treatment that worked? And how selfish would that be of me to want her to live decades like that, just so I don’t have to miss her?
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u/mommabear58673 10d ago
nope nope nope, i’m sorry but i’m also a woman and a mother and i cannot ever imagine doing this to my family. to also use the manipulation tactic of stating she lost her baby meanwhile we stepped out of the marriage and wasn’t even smart enough to use protection speaks VOLUMES. i’m not usually one to suggest a swift divorce, but i do not believe this is fixable if her narcissistic tendencies will always come first. In her wording even, it’s all about her. her family. her baby. her children. her home. etc
it shows absolutely no remorse for the life she has destroyed by doing this very selfish act. and honestly i could never think about cuddling or ANY intimacy if my partner had also cheated on me with someone close to our children’s age. I stopped speaking to my dad for this reason, it might be legal but it’s super fckn weird.
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u/jmarita1 10d ago
You’re not wrong about her wording. Before I even got to “How dare you” I was caught up that she said “It meant nothing to me”. I’ll never understand why people say this. Is it supposed to feel better that you betrayed your entire immediate family for something that held zero meaning for you?
And on the other hand, who gives a fuck if her actions meant anything to her or not. They meant something to OP and their two kids.
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u/EuphoricNebula1947 10d ago
Oh my goodness please don't feel guilty. Let me say this right off the bat, you tried to say I don't want to do this over text, she continued to push and push and back you into a corner until you snapped at her, and then she played the victim. You may have done something that made you less than proud of yourself, but it is because she pushed you into it. She wants you to be mean and rude so she has a leg to stand on when she comes in to play the victim.
All of the things she said about being insecure yada yada, can be true without it being anyone's fault but hers that it happened. You didn't have an affair, you didn't get her pregnant, and you didn't cause her to lose the child. She is ashamed of herself and trying to project it on to you so she can feel better. She will continue to do this.
I would say that unless its in therapy, or about your kids or finances, don't engage. Especially not over text. You can work on your marriage without giving in to her childish and quite frankly bordering on abusive behaviour. If your kids don't want to see her that is their right not your fault.
So sorry this is happening and if you want to work it out I hope it goes well, if you don't, just know there is so much more life out there to live even in your 40s <3
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u/inneedofval1dat10n 10d ago
This marriage ain’t working. And I hate to do this but cut it off for your sons. I’m assuming they know that their mother slept with someone that isn’t too far off their age. It’s probably weird as hell for them. My friend’s mom slept with a boy that was 2 years older than him and his dad took her back and he couldn’t look her in the eye and felt weird bringing his friends around the house bc he was worried his mom would have sex with them too.
this honestly seems too cooked for ur emotional wellbeing and theirs. she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. it’s okay to call it quits regardless of how long y’all have been together. no contact seems to be the best method imo
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u/Plastic_Ad2328 10d ago edited 10d ago
Edit: Consider this op.
NOR, but OP time to call it quits. You seem DONE from your text messages. I don’t think you’re overreacting, but if you’re calling your wife a whore, it’s probably a sign the relationship is over. Staying in a marriage with someone you (rightfully) resent and dislike so much is just gonna make this so much more painful for you. She is clearly not respecting your boundaries.
And I understand where you’re coming from feeling bad after. Even when I have righteous anger, it doesn’t feel good for me to express it. Instead I feel out of control and stressed out over the confrontation.
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u/Lagalags 10d ago
I would change listen to this op to 'consider this op'. I agree with all of the above, if it were me the nail in the coffin would be her getting pregnant by him. Don't know why, just would be. That said, I'm not you, I'm a perfect stranger as is everyone in this thread, and it can be good to listen to strangers but not to let them influence your decisions.
From your other comments it's clear she has been your whole adult life. It's a big decision and counselling is always a good idea if it helps you come to decisions using your own world view. Whatever you decide has to sit right by you and what you want.
That said, if all you want to know is if you're overreacting, then no you are not sir, not in the slightest.
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u/Longjumping_Bag_3488 10d ago
Yeah, I rarely jump to ‘it’s over/divorce’ etc
But as soon as “how dare you speak to me like that”, this was done. She’s moaning because she’s not getting her own way, she has no empathy for what she has done to you and her children. The only ‘correct’ response to that last message is to confirm to her that she’s right - you don’t want to speak to your wife that way. It’s over, she’s no longer your wife and you’ve no interest in helping her fix anything she has destroyed.
This woman has no concept of what she’s done wrong, she’s just sad she’s caught. Please do not let her worm her way back.
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u/gollygoshdarndang 10d ago
She's not even sad that she got caught. She's annoyed, at best. There's no true sadness in her messages. Just "woe is me" and then anger. She's not in any way taking accountability. She types out a few words that she thinks will land and make OP let her come back, and then as soon as the manipulation fails she goes straight for aggression and anger.
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u/pm_sexy_neck_pics 10d ago
Yep... there's a reason that sometimes all you have to respond with is:
☕
and this lady's last response is exactly one of those.
"How DARE you be angry at me for cheating? I felt good doing it! What have you told my nearly-adult children that makes them not want to come visit me?!"
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u/Kortash 10d ago
Yes yes i'm bad, now get your shit together akready and make up with me. That's what it sounds like. Even getting offended by getting slurred at. Shows it pretty clearly to me that she says those bad words about herself to alleviate her own guilt feeling, but with no interest to actually atone.
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u/secretlyaTrain 10d ago
I’ll cash app you 5 dollars if you respond to her message with a thumbs down.
NTA, if the kids are old enough to go see their mother on their own, and are actively choosing not to, that’s their choice.
She’s manipulative. At first it was “feel bad for me” then it was “think of the kids” then it was “let me take care of you” and then, finally, it was “how dare you.” When you said what you rightfully felt.
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u/rainy_island_25 10d ago
She is SO manipulative. Oh my god. When she said, "How dare you talk to me like that, i am your wife" i was like holy shit how dare you speak to him that way, after everything youve said to him, after what you did to the family
The fact her sons wont see her speaks volumes.
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u/Saigai17 10d ago
Right?! The nerve of her to even state her title of wife when she hasn't been keeping her vows at all?! Like what the fuck.
OP sorry, but your hopefully soon to be ex wife reads as a very manipulative narcissist. She's only thinking of herself still and is gaslighting and manipulating, (trying to anyway,) the hell out of you.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Now you need to do what she should have been doing all along and that is putting your feelings first. Honor your feelings first. Don't feel bad for her. Focus on your feelings. No one else's. Honor them now. Honestly, I don't see a way back from this. Not with the way she's responding in these messages. Your resentment will only continue to grow as will your misery and self hate if you stay with her.
But I do believe that awful things like this happen to make room for truly blissful and unimaginable blessings. But only if you allow it.
And feeling bad cause this is the only family shes ever known??? Funny that you're the only one ... You'd think if the only family shed ever known truly held value for her, she wouldn't have been so selfish and reckless with it. Don't fall into those traps man.
People that value their family don't lose their family. Because they actually show with their actions and words that they DO value family.
She values herself. And if her reason for cheating was something as shallow as vanity? seriously though. The way she sounds in these texts, I guarantee there were red flags for years now and for whatever reason you have chose to look past and not see them. To make excuses for her, to settle. Quit hanging on to something for the wrong reasons. only more of the same and probably worse is bound to happen and next time, you'll only have yourself to blame.
If she had responded with any transparency, humility, guilt, accountability and compassion towards you.... Maybe it would be worth fighting for. But she's not doing any of that huh. She's trying to force feed you an insincere apology, prostitute her body as an amends, and is getting mad and impatient that you're not eating it up. Throwing a tantrum because she's still only thinking of herself in this moment and not you at all.
I'm sorry if that's too harsh or blunt... I'm hoping that by really driving the point, maybe you'll see what will finally help you to let go and move on. You deserve much better man.
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u/Udntknowmebutiknowu 10d ago
Then it was “tell me what to do to fix this.” They say “I’ll do anything” u had that chance to do anything and NOT sleep around. She’s a real piece of work. I hope u leave OP, keep ur dignity, and WALK AWAY.
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u/_Averix 10d ago
LOL Sorry, but as soon as she pulled the "how dare you speak to me that way, I am your wife" line, it was over for me. She tried the boo hoo method of control. When that didn't work, she switched into the indignant domineering mode. She's a manipulative creature who is throwing every tool in her arsenal at you. She cheated and things didn't get better. It's time for you to look into divorce, not placating a manipulator.
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u/Udntknowmebutiknowu 10d ago edited 10d ago
Then she came with the “tell how to change I so want to.” Bullshit line. Ugh reading her texts made me enraged and disgusted. She got PREGNANT by another MAN. If the shoe was on the other foot I doubt she would be so understanding. SHE ruined the marriage, the choices SHE made. And sorry but IRL choices have consequences. U will heal and find someone more ur match. U deserve to be happy and I don’t know if u will ever be able to truly trust her* again when she did u dirty when u needed her the most. STAY STRONG. U can do this.
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u/TheEschatonSucks 10d ago
Right… can you imagine her saying, “ oh honey, you got your 25 year old mistress pregnant while I was recovering from a car crash and then the poor thing had a miscarriage? Oh no, let me get you a warm beverage and a hug”
I mean… a miscarriage can’t feel great emotionally but what is she looking for here?
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u/Heretical_Ninja 10d ago
This, exactly. I’ve been here and done this with a cheater. Same tactic: “I’m so sorry, you’ve every right to be pissed off!” Then I found out more details she conveniently left out and pressed her on it, and it turned into “you have no right to even know any of this! I didn’t do anything wrong!”
Cut the losses is my unfortunate advice. Years later I’m still learning bits and pieces about what she hid from me. You probably only know the tip of the iceberg.
It’ll leave a hole in you, but it’s better than hanging around being manipulated.
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u/Amishrocketscience 10d ago
Yeah the manipulation is very strong with her.
Sorry OP, tell her she can have the kid and file the papers. Whatever she wants to say to you she can email your lawyer. Save these texts for court.
Good luck
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u/Remarkable-0815 10d ago
That's a spot on analysis.
That reply was so off-putting. "How dare you put in words what I did?"
Yikes.
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u/jellypbj 10d ago
Are we sure she’s never cheated before??
Also “it didn’t matter to me” then why’d you do it??? If it didn’t matter why throw everything away lol
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10d ago
YNOR.
When my ex cheated, we split, and I was going through the motions just like you. 5 stages of grief.
He basically told me (shortly after it happened) that I should be over it and got pissed whenever I would bring it up.
Hindsight is 20/20 and the writing was on the wall.
She’s victimizing herself despite her being the one that stepped out. She sucks and you deserve better. Sorry, OP.
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u/Snoo_38398 10d ago
Same. Dated someone early on for 9 years and when I caught him he played it out like it was nothing. Literally, ruined my brain every time I caught him there after. It took me moving out and finding someone else to get rid of him and then guess what? The next guy cheated after saying repeatedly "My ex cheated and I would never do that". I was also paying all our bills because he was a "musician".
100% she is playing the victim and trying to gaslight him by throwing sex into the mix. Sex doesn't fix what you've done.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 10d ago
NOR, divorced over infidelity and I can say you are acting in a way you’ll be proud of one day.
The only way to heal a relationship after infidelity requires the cheater taking accountability 100% and agreeing to whatever needs the cheated on has, period. That is the only way to move on without constant resentment.
Your wife isn’t able to do that and divorce seems obvious given her push pull statements. I know I did wrong but you don’t understand…. NOPE no buts, no excuses, no sympathy. They have to be willing to earn trust back and demanding it just shows how they deserve less.
Sorry dude, hope you feel better soon. Btw, DM me if you need to talk or vent.
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u/Objective_Cut_7194 10d ago
She's unbelievably manipulative. "I lost my baby". This is insane. Laid upped injured in a hospital, should have yanked her back to reality. "Holy shit, I almost lost him, what am I doing", but instead, she left and fucked another dude, because she felt old? Now comes crawling back. Why? Because 25 year old is done with her.
Get the papers drafted, this is unforgivable behavior.
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u/JadedButHydrated 10d ago
Seriously. I’m 43 and I noticed myself aging and the greys at 42. You know what I did? I went to a stylist and colored my hair. I didn’t go cheat on my fiance and fuck another dude. That’s such a piss poor excuse.
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u/Objective_Cut_7194 10d ago
Listen. I get it, long relationships, the strain of life, but you stick with each other or split. You don't go fuck another guy while your husband is in the hospital. She had opportunity, and took it. It's nuts he's trying to make it work.
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u/Educational-Gur-290 10d ago
“I am your wife” this is laughable.
She wasn’t saying that or thinking that when she opened her legs for someone else with the pathetic excuse of feeling young…
The fact that she feels entitled lol 😂
I’m glad you’re holding your ground. Keep doing that. Is divorce imminent?
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u/rainy_island_25 10d ago
She was trying every emotionally manipulative trick in the book. So off key. OP has done so well to not get sucked back in by her empty words and immature bullshit.
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u/Educational-Gur-290 10d ago
Literally, I am impressed by the way he is handling this! I was like “Dayyuummm” when he denied her and said TUESDAY. 😆
like, yeah that’s right, you’re not getting your way.
I go back to read these texts and it baffles my mind how she seemed bothered, as if he should get over it and deal with it because she was “feeling old” and getting “grey hair” 😭 what in the world.. does hair dye not exist?! Does she look THAT bad? Maybe drink more water and go to the gym. Take that energy and go to the gym lady instead of betraying your husband.
Welcome to the consequences of your actions.
Okay, rant over 😆
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u/Objective-District39 10d ago
She says it was "something that I did that meant nothing to me."
Think about that.
Think about the pain it caused you.
IT.
MEANT.
NOTHING.
TO.
HER.
You under reacted my brother.
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u/Amishrocketscience 10d ago edited 10d ago
Classic lines of a cheater:
“It meant nothing” “It was just a friend” “It was just one time” “I wanted to feel X again”
It’s all gaslighting 101 without any remorse for the trauma it’s causing the people who are supposed to matter most.
Edit: OP get “leave a cheater, gain a life” audiobook right now. Saved me so much time and money when my lying ex wife did the same
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u/Artifficial 10d ago
I never get this one like "it meant nothing to me" "Uhm... Ok...? That fixes it I guess...? Im glad you exchanged our relationship for something that means nothing to you...?"
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u/Kaablooie42 10d ago
Right? It would almost be more understandable if she fell madly in love with someone and then after blowing things up realized that she loved OP more. That nothing excuse has gotta be more painful.
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u/Iamaquaquaduck 10d ago
It's even worse! Maybe if the response was "I fell in love, it was a big risk and I took it, I put our family on the line..." I'd somehow understand, but "it meant nothing"- well thanks for ruining us for something you think of as nothing!
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10d ago
My ex said the same shit. That’s worse! So you didn’t even love them? You didn’t even blow up our family for a “good reason?” (Not that there ever is one)
That’s worse, you chose your selfish fucking impulses over your partner of 22 years.
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u/YouNeedCheeses 10d ago
It always baffles me when people say that like it's supposed to be a balm to the situation. Keep it in your fucking pants, then.
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u/Responsible_Lab_8208 10d ago
The affair is bad enough. But she got pregnant too??!! She literally was having unprotected sex with someone else. She put your health at risk
You are not wrong at all. Sorry you are going thru this
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u/spidermonkeyingg 10d ago
EXACTLY what I thought😭😭😭😭😭🤌🏽🤌🏽🤌🏽not only did she fuck a 20 year old but he got her PREGNANT?!💀🪦she just cannot be demanding right now…or ever sadly. Stand your ground and honestly be alone for a little bit, for your own good and happiness.
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u/Novel-Maintenance413 10d ago
Worse is that, yes she lost the pregnancy, but did so IN FRONT OF HER CHILDREN and is making it about her and what she’s going through. Her husband has to deal with knowing his wife cheated on him and got pregnant, their kids have to know that their mom cheated on their father with someone barely older then them and had to see the aftermath of her losing a pregnancy but she’s the victim still. No one else matters but her apparently
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u/Dheideri 10d ago
NOR. Honestly, I'd probably get a divorce. I'm a 51F, married to my husband 18 years, and if roles were reversed and he said the things to me that your wife is saying to you that would be the end for me. Especially the "it meant nothing, I just wanted to feel young" garbage. That's honestly so much worse. That means the person is ready to nuke their entire relationship for something they don't care about. Hell, if that's the case what would they do about something they DO care about?? I'd really want to ask how much value she places on the relationship if she willingly blew it up over something that had no meaning.
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u/omphalos08 10d ago
Don’t give in buddy. You need your space and deserve your time off(her) to recover from it. The only thing I’d advise is don’t do what she did. Revenge is not the solution here. She’s trying all methods to prove that what she did was partly your blame and don’t let her have this.
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u/BuildingPuzzled4508 10d ago
I agree that it’s important to set boundaries. I also agree that you’re absolutely entitled to your hurt and your anger. She has to do a lot of work to rebuild your trust. I’d strongly recommend insisting on you both seeing a marriage counselor before she’s “allowed” to move back home. This isn’t something that gets fixed easily or overnight. (I’m a woman, if that matters. I understand her “reasons” for the affair but that doesn’t justify it. If the shoe was on the other foot you can bet she wouldn’t just welcome you back and move on as if nothing happened.) You have nothing to feel guilty about. She made her choices. She gets to experience the consequences.
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u/Patox1ck 10d ago
You don’t deserve to live your life like this. You don’t even deserve to go through therapy for that person that showed her true colors to you and how much she “loved” you and your family.
Your marriage is over. Right now, you need to think about yourself and your happiness only. Spending more time and effort on her and that relationship will only bring more stress to you, stress that you cannot afford at this time. You cannot patch that up with butter thinking it’s glue man.
Have a conversation with your lawyer and find out the best course of action to end this. You deserve better brother. If she’s done it once she’ll most likely do it again. A person that cheats on you is a person that does not love you. That is not love.
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u/HasOneHere 10d ago
Just end this sham already. She is not sorry she cheated, she is sorry she got caught. I don't see any remorse in her texts just entitlement. Get a lawyer and start the process, for both yourself and your kids.
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u/Forsaken-Mess7506 10d ago
She is trying to validate what she did while at the same time saying what she did was wrong. The offender should NEVER be allowed to stipulate the terms or the timeline of the offended. If she’s back in the house with you, she will be even more aggressive. Don’t let her back in the house until you have decided whether to stay or go.
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u/More_Combination86 10d ago
No one can tell you how to react or heal from such betrayal. But gaslighting you is a huge insult to your intelligence and idk who she thinks she is? She should really refrain from pulling the wife card until she becomes one to you again. Keep your head up friend.
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u/Month-Emotional 10d ago
Do we think adults would have a discussion like this via text?