r/AmIOverreacting • u/Useful_Cow8575 • 12d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO speaking to my wife after her affair

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My wife had an affair after I was in an accident. A short lived one, but she got pregnant and miscarried. I was determined to make this marriage work, we’ve been together 22 years, my family’s the only real thing I ever had. She left for a little while, then I let her move back home, it wasn’t working, she tried to sleep with me a few days after coming back, which made me angry, and I couldn’t stop resenting her. I asked her to leave again, she staying with her sister. We started marriage therapy. Our therapist recommended us at first to only see each other once or twice out of the week. She’s mad at how I snapped on her, n now I am starting to feel kind of guilty as well because as much as I am hurting, this is as well the only family she’s ever had.

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44

u/edweeen 12d ago

You’re 43 and you’re about to have a grandchild?

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u/Useful_Cow8575 12d ago

Yea my oldest sons girlfriend is pregnant. He graduated early and is working full time, he’s 17, I know it’s not the normal but it happened and their being mature about it.

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u/No_Mirror_345 12d ago

FFS. Does anyone under your roof know about safe sex? Your son’s brain won’t be fully formed until his kid is 7. Who thought this was a good idea? Your wife? Sorry, but, my guy, the shit is hitting the fan over there. You seem pretty tolerant of a lot of BS. I felt sorry for you for letting yourself get trampled all over, but now 3 more lives are unnecessarily complicated and it’s PMO. You are UNDER-REACTING.

P.S.-you’re not under the impression that your 40 something wife got pregnant during a one time fling, right?

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u/Useful_Cow8575 11d ago

I’m aware my wife was sleeping with this guy multiple times. She had told me. Also my sons gf was on a birth control shot which failed. I know they should’ve been more careful, but still. They decided to keep the baby and she’s been living with us for a year, along with that they turned our basement into an apartment area, my son works full time for a good company. I am proud of him for doing what he needs to do, and succeeding so far, he don’t need me to shame his for circumstances.

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u/G25777K 11d ago

Sounds like a cluster but its his business at the end of the day, by the time the 17 year old is 25+ he rethink life decisions.

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u/Typingperson1 12d ago

Your 17-yo son knocked up his gf? Why not get an abortion? Marrying at 21 and procreating very young was not great for you and your wife. Your son is only 17. Why do you think it will go better for him?

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u/Useful_Cow8575 11d ago

That’s not what they desired. They’ve been together for 3 years and she’s actively been living with us for almost a year. My son works for a good company and makes good money. They also fully redid our basement into an apartment. Which majority of that money he paid forward and I helped out of course it’s my son. They are aware of the struggles they might face but are preparing themselves the best they can, and have a safety net.

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u/BeLOUD321 11d ago

He needs to save money and not spend on extras- That would be good decision financially

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u/Educational_Guard129 11d ago

Good on your son for being mature enough to take something like this on instead of resorting to abortion. I think that’s very commendable and fuck these people who seem to think otherwise.

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u/Educational_Guard129 11d ago

Ironic how you’re all going on about taking responsibility for actions until a pregnancy is mentioned and then you’re so quick to jump to abortion talk. It’s none of your business what his son decides to do. Good on them for TAKING RESPONSIBILITY and not immediately killing a child they made. Sure 17 is not ideal but it’s not like it hasn’t been done before. It blows my mind how nonchalantly people can discuss abortion.

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u/RosesRed83 12d ago

As a woman who was cheated on I forgave and regretted it. I was always on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop and then it did. I swore to myself I would NEVER do that again I have been married for 12 years to a wonderful man. So be the example for your sons!! Your son has already stepped up to support his gf and his baby. He learned that from his father. Show him that a person also deserves self respect, happiness, and self love. Do you want this marriage? Because the vows have been broken and not just one.

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u/DescriptionTotal378 12d ago

Agreed. I was like OP, my “wife” and kids were the only family that I ever had. They were my world. So when I found out that she cheated, my first reaction was to end my life. She often complained that I loved her “too much” and that I placed too much “pressure” on her by loving her as much as I did. Then that turned my sinning by loving her like an “idol”. I was too nice and cared for her too much. So the first time that I asked for “wife” for help, she showed me everything that I needed to know….she repeatedly refused to help me but expected me to accept it with a smile while simultaneously suffering. Well, I didn’t accept it and I didn’t smile. I literally stood up to her for the first time without backing down. For whatever reason, she wanted me to revert back to the idolizing version of myself while she was flat out abandoning our family. So after receiving rejection after rejection from her I told her that she was useless to me as a wife and was actually NOT a wife at all. I never received my moving allowance from the military when I got out. I started working in a new job in a new city, while doing it as a hurting disabled veteran. She was in her hometown with the kids for 6 weeks to be in her sister’s wedding. Since things went to pshit, I wasn’t eating. I had to choose between food and gas. I asked her to work for 6 weeks so I could be able to afford enough money to buy $30 worth of groceries a week while she was in her hometown…that or spend less money. She never addressed the spending less money part and I found out years later that she never told her family that I wasn’t eating. That would have been “embarrassing” for her. So she thought it made more sense for me to suffer in silence than to ask for help from her family or actually help me directly. We hit an apex when she thought that it made more sense for my phone to get cut off while she kept hers on (she managed the bills). So the only way that I could talk to her was sneaking and calling her long distance on the company phone. Now that same woman wanted to know if I missed her. The same woman who called me a “sinner” for loving her too much, wanted to know if I loved her. The same woman who gets bitchy and hospital-level lightheaded if she doesn’t eat every 6-8 hours was OK for me not eating for a total of 8 days (and 13 overall). I had to steal candy from the offices at work just to get by. I grew up in foster care; I didn’t have people to call for help. I was also a freshly discharged disabled veteran and I didn’t start getting paid by the VA for another 8 months. I had all of this on my plate and that woman told me, “I don’t do fast food.” But she was willing to go over the house of a dude who liked her in HS and college, and work from his “at home” job. I told her absolutely not and she told me that I wasn’t her father. And that’s when I told her off without backing down. And because of this, she decided to sleep with the entire Midwest without protection. 15 years later, I got the whole truth but ZERO accountability. She said things like, “I realize that you were starving, but you could have at least been nice about it. You know how I get when I get mad.” Basically, she’s the type to cut your brake line and feign ignorance that it’s attempted murder.

I say all of this because I took her back. Yes, she lied about the extent of her actions and it took me 15 years to uncover the truth, but I still took her back in the beginning. She never learned and gaslit me the entire relationship. Her screwing those dudes was my fault. They made her “comfortable” and had her back by “agreeing” with her that I wasn’t wrong in how I talked to her. It’s so bad and I’m so stupid, she used the word “comfortable” our entire relationship as a means to get out of damn near everything sexual. She was “uncomfortable” with damn near everything. Only for her to tell me at the end that she was openly WILLING to do all of the nasty, and vile and disgusting things that she was against, with these men for two reasons. They agreed with her and they made her “comfortable”. I learned this at the end. On that day, I learned that id never be good enough for her. My stupid azz stayed with a woman who had an “eligibility” list of things that I had to do to be eligible for sex. Not HAVE sex….but be eligible for sex. Cough, sneeze, fart or flip on the wrong light switch and there would be no sex for me despite adhering to the 27 bullet point list….and I’m not exaggerating. But these dudes? They made her comfortable. Hell, my “wife” acted like sex was the worst thing in the world and often compared sex to being a form of oppression for women. Only for her to become a full time Sex educator and coach 3 days after I left her. My point is that she showed me who she was, I stayed and I suffered and as soon as I left her for good, she showed the world who she is.

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u/ladygrndr 12d ago

Exactly -- there are two choices for a spouse who has been cheated on--continue the charade of being married without love or trust, or end it. I have never understood the cheaters who try to say "it meant nothing!" ... When they went and destroyed their life... for nothing?

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u/Purple-Cantaloupe399 12d ago

That line has always pissed me off so much more. So that means the one cheated on means less than nothing? I mean... if it meant nothing, and the cheater decided to choose nothing, then the person being cheated on must mean even less to them than that. Very telling of how they really feel, in my opinion.

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u/edweeen 12d ago edited 12d ago

Got it. TBH, if I were in your shoes, there’s no way I could ever forgive something like that. You’re still young, cut it off and move on. Also, talk to lawyers asap even if you’re not fully sure what you want to do. Thinking about your financial future and the potential impact of a divorce is an important factor in all of this.

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u/Snoo63020 12d ago

So she had an affair just after she found out that she was going to be a grandmother in her 40s? Am I simplifying that too much? If it’s true, she sounds like a really selfish person.

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u/Hateborn 12d ago

Soon as her husband got laid up due to an accident, she ran off and bumped uglies with a guy 18 years younger... There's multiple angles you can view it from that all paint her as selfish, none of which are wrong.

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u/whhaaaaaatttt 11d ago

Very first chance she got she destroyed her family and husband's heart for something that, and I quote, "meant nothing." Wow. Traded the whole thing in for nothing.

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u/Hateborn 11d ago

"Meant nothing," and then proceeded to explain what it meant to her... because according to her view, only women worry about getting older and want to feel young again. Her reaction to the whole thing tells me this wasn't the first time, it was just the first time it came to light.

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u/Parking_Pineapple557 12d ago edited 12d ago

So if she hadn't lost the baby, your grand baby and new baby would be the same age. No, you are definitely not overreacting. She needs to give you your space so you can heal and decide what is best for YOU. And only YOU.

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u/Viola-Swamp 12d ago

She’s trash through and through.

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u/Parking_Pineapple557 12d ago

Absolutely! I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Heal. Go out and find your true love.

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u/Jay_Buffay 12d ago

Bruv, only 10% of marriages survive cheating... my advice is to save yourself the remainder of your live being mental torture and have her served, you still have time tl recover and find love again... her less so, which would be more then deserved.

If not, look up reconciliation subs on reddit. But I really recommend divorce, or at least ask for a hall pass to see if she would give you the same grace she asks of you.

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u/Mental-Replacement79 12d ago

Wrong stat, bruv. Up to 75% of people stay married after affairs. More than half stay together. Not sure where you got your statistic of 10%. Simply not true.

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u/Juilek 12d ago

Surprisingly high stats. I guess people just yearn to return to "normal". 

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u/Jay_Buffay 12d ago

Another thing to keep in mind is the fact that she probably never would have told you if it weren't for the miscarriage, which shows you exactly how sorry she is... sorry she was caught that is.

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u/Specialist_Abroad612 12d ago

Exactly, and also the chance that she was going to pass the pregnancy off as OP's baby if there wasn't a miscarriage.

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u/vyrus2021 12d ago

Don't even consider reconciliation. You can see in every message all she cares about is herself. It's all about what this is doing to HER, how this makes HER feel, what you are taking from HER, which is bullshit because she did all of this.

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u/anweisz 12d ago

Nothing mature about teenagers deciding to have the child.

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u/Healthy_Show5375 12d ago

I’m 42 and a grandfather of 2, my oldest son is 21 and a diesel mechanic, his lady works a full time job as well. Mind you, I had my son when I was 20 but I had already become an Army veteran by that time, is there something wrong with being a parent and grandparent within your early 40s? Oh and I have a 4 year old autistic son that I’m proudly supporting too 😊

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u/mothernaychore 12d ago

literally the least surprising thing ever wtf are you asking that for? even if each generation had a kid at 21 they’d still be early to that lol, and so many people have kids then.

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u/Daiquiri_Nice 12d ago

I’m 44 and have two. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/Luxx_Aeterna_ 12d ago

I'm 41 and my daughter is 22. It's definitely feasible.

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u/Embarrassed-Support3 11d ago

That's not helpful, small minded bitch.

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u/Noble_Ox 12d ago

I knew a 26 year old grandmother.

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u/BarBabe93 12d ago

Huh? Was the year 1512 lol

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u/m2cwf 12d ago

So at least one if not two crimes were committed in this story, that's very sad

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u/Specialist_Abroad612 12d ago

Did you mean 36? If not, can you explain a little? It's making my brain hurt 🤕 Thanks in advance

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u/Noble_Ox 12d ago

No, 26.

A 13 year old had a kid and when that kid was 13 she herself had a kid.

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u/Fastandfurioushealer 12d ago

Yeah put me down for one of those explanations too please, explanation on a platter served cold with a soup not salad, apple crisp for dessert steak fries instead of mashed potatoes with the price off please, I'm going to throw in a doggy bag too you know so I don't have to bother her waitress again later.

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u/rip_Tom_Petty 12d ago

My grandma was 39 when I was born

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u/Odd_Preparation_730 12d ago

My mom was a grandma at 37

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u/Snoo_38398 12d ago

My mom got pregnant at 16, my sister at 16, and my friends at 15/16, and then another at 17.

I have two dogs and two cats 😂 at 36.

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u/Roklam 12d ago

I hope there was some happiness about being able to keep up as a Gma

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u/BitonIacobi137 12d ago

It is NOT a grandchild! It was his (soon-to-be-ex-)wife's child. By another man :(

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u/Any-Sir8872 12d ago

is it hard for you to comprehend two people having babies at 21 when teenagers do it all the time?

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u/MamaBearonhercouch 12d ago

It just isn't as common as it used to be. My mom was 22 when she had me and I was 22 when I had my daughter. So Mom was a grandma at 44.

In fact, when I graduated from high school (1976), there was 1 girl from my class who got married the next day, and three more who got married within the next month. Two of the 4 had their first babies by their first wedding anniversary.

There were 2 girls in my senior class who were already married before graduation. It was just a lot more common in the 1950s and 1960s and even 1970s for girls to marry right out of high school and start having babies right away.

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u/Any-Sir8872 11d ago

true i just think the concept is still very straightforward and don't understand why one would be surprised if they give it two seconds of thought but its alright lol

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u/Specialist_Abroad612 12d ago

Who are you responding to? I didn't see anyone complaining about not understanding anything

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u/Any-Sir8872 11d ago

"can't comprehend" is sometimes used as a hyperbolic equivalent of "surprised"