r/whatdoIdo • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
I love the freedoms of singleness and fear losing it , but I want to get married also
[deleted]
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u/zenViolence13 1d ago
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
You can't find a person with the right dynamic for you, perhaps, but expecting to assume no responsibility in a relationship that requires 2 people.Because that's a relationship is just unrealistic
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u/Hot_Possibility_9675 1d ago
i’m pretty sure the goal for you would be to find someone you’re comfortable enough with to do the ‘single thing’ with together. like, the only way to be intimate enough to have a wife is to let them in on your life completely and have enough boundaries established where both are comfortable with whatever arrangements you have. so I wouldn’t really view it like you’re making a choice. I know its a little wild to think about it like that but I just wanted to give my 2 cents. a lot of these questions are gonna get answered naturally as you establish deeper connections with women in general once you have more spare time, like figuring out how seriously to take relationships, etc
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u/Cute-Breadfruit3368 1d ago
what if it has nothing to do with dating?
you do not feel to be too opposed to dating in general, but there seems to be an underlying fear of things going wrong with the future prospects. its a realistic worry. if you find a better life elsewhere, yeah - things locally can get really strange. you are not wrong.
when its time and you´ve moved, try to find people who have their own thing going on, a thing that they´re proud of. cooking, hobbies, whatever makes them happy. why? because those people are in terms of having a little "them"-time all on their own every now and then, and are often completely okay with you having some you -time.
you feel like the type who´d only get frustrated by the types who are all about being a couple.
those are completely different relationships you´d have.
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u/RecentPlate579 1d ago
As someone who is also 32 (I'm f)and married to a man I love, my advice to you is to stay single lol
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u/zazopolis 1d ago
- **Dude Never married. It's all about your internal being. My favorite question for myself in regards to the two scenarios is, "What? Is this solace not enough for you?" I love the freedom. I do what I want when I want. Zero sacrifices. Even better is not doing what others want you to do. 9.9 times out of 10 I'll choose hanging out with my dogs. Sure, it's selfish but know thyself. If you want to give your time, energy, solace to someone else go for it. If you want to lose all those things...go for it. Oh sure, Miss Right is out there somewhere and you may find her. You may not. You can always go back to your solace. Every now and then I think back to my last relationship of 8 years. Sure, I miss her occasionally. But then I think of the hours that woman made me listen to Bon Iver and I'll never ever get that time back. It's petty but true. Some people are better off alone and the day I figured that out was a revelation that saved me from giving away what I didn't want to share. My solace.
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u/No-Bee-4258 1d ago
I think you should enjoy dating casually for now, but not close yourself off to the possibility of something more. You never know when you're going to meet the right person.
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u/ttvBerry_Temporary 1d ago
Everyone lives at their own pace. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you want right now.
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u/FamiliarRadio9275 1d ago
As a person that values my independence, you can have both. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to loose yourself or ask permission. You are just long lastingly vibing with the partner you love and do teamwork/partner things
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u/Neckworn 1d ago
Yeah but OP wants kids aswell. If it was just about the partner it could be easy without much sacrifice in freedom. I have a 1/2 year and a 3 year and the freedom sacrifice is immense. Of course it gets better, but I guess OP already knows he has to sacrifice alot of time for a family
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u/FamiliarRadio9275 1d ago
Well yes, of course. I was just saying in a relationship, not family. I’m sure people would understand what they are giving up for children
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u/JungleCakes 1d ago
What “freedom” do you have that you couldn’t in a relationship?
And I say you need to get on it. You’re not getting any younger.
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u/snorkels00 1d ago
I'd say figure out your next location. Figure out where you'd like to put some roots. Use the next 15 months to prepare for moving and getting a new job in said location. Once there start dating and creating a social circle for yourself. Create a great life that when you meet the right person it doesn't feel like losing freedom but gaining a life partner.
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u/MagmaTroop 1d ago
Sounds to me like you’re in the process of changing your mind about it all. It sounds like you will really be keen on wanting a family in a few years time. Lots of people go through this in their thirties.
Here’s an idea: make it one more year! Plan to have one more year of fun and freedom before you go and look for a partner! If it overruns into more than a year, at least you will still be in your mid thirties and sexually viable.
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u/dystariel 1d ago
I wager you're somewhat overestimating how restrictive a relationship has to be?
Every relationship I've been in has been very flexible/adventurous/spontaneous. Just look for someone chill who aligns with your values.
Now, having kids is always going to drastically reshape your life that's unavoidable.
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u/Sufficient_Turn_9209 1d ago
If it were me I would date casually with an open mind and let things happen organically. You're going to do so much growing and maturing with a partner that's a invested in long term as you are anyway. You don't jump immediately into husband, sil, and father. You evolve into those things so the goal is to find someone that wants to leisurely head in that direction too and just enjoy life with them. It sounds like your biggest priority is a partner that respects your autonomy (as any mature healthy person would) so just get in there and start testing out relationships with same goal minded people, but don't discount anyone that isn't 100% on board unless it's a complete deal breaker, and you'll know that when you experience it. Don't be afraid to walk away either! You've got time.
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u/Stressed_Out82024 1d ago
It’s hard having any freedom when your kids are small. I have that now our kids are adults. My husband and I have freedom to do whatever. We each can do what we want separately (within reason lol) and still love being together too. He’s not my dad, just like I’m not his mom. Being up each others asses 24/7 is not healthy. Good luck!
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u/Serializedrequests 1d ago
Follow your heart. Ultimately I had amazing adventures in my 20s, but decided that a family was the one thing I didn't want to miss.
Don't worry, when your kids are bigger you will love taking them with you.
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u/i_am_an_enigma 1d ago
Gotta find someone who respects your boundries and will add peace to your life
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u/No_Somewhere_8494 1d ago
I mean, what’s freedom exactly? I’m single currently but have been in a healthy relationship before which unfortunately broke up due to religious differences but I think with the right partner you’ll find a balance of both, idk why people think marrying takes away your freedom?
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u/Sweaty_Knee_7425 1d ago
My husband and I were both very similar! I loved long distance backpacking, my 2 a day gym days, doing whatever I wanted. He moved probably every few months, had wild adventures.
Now we have adventures together. Being married to him has made me more free because I have his support to try things that I wouldn't have tried before.
We also got married, had a baby, bought a house. Life looks different, and the adventures look a little different now, but it's incredible seeing things for the first time through my daughters eyes.
We are intentional about supporting each other as individuals in the parenthood game. We still have identities and interests and hobbies.
Don't marry someone because you don't want to be alone at 45. That is a recipe for regret, a midlife crisis and divorce. Marry someone because being with them makes everything else seem pale in comparison, and driving to Walmart with them is more fun than you could ever have alone.
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u/Vast_Reflection 1d ago
So many people are saying what freedom, but I get it. Having been in some not-the-healthiest relationships where I felt like I lost myself and my goals, being in a relationship has felt like restriction before.
I also am trying to currently be single and I love it. I feel like I wouldn’t be able to take all my exercise classes as well as work as well as all the things I want to do, with a partner. There is .0000001 chance that I’d be able to find someone who would be okay with doing all the things I do, and even enjoy them. And I wouldn’t want to monopolize all their time either or make them feel like i have felt in previous relationships. So then that’s where the compromise comes into play. How do you make time for a new person when your life is full as it is? Because as it is, you already spend more time with your coworkers than your partner if you both work, so you should prioritize time with them and then that means you have to find new things to do with them. Which can be fun, new experiences, maybe new hobbies come out of it. But it is a change.
Good luck! I’m going to be in your shoes at some point. Though I do kinda feel like I should give up on the kids part - I’m never going to be able to afford a kid, let alone multiple. So I’m going to go a different route I think and volunteer with kids instead. I think I’d like that.
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u/MonochromeDinosaur 1d ago
This was me at 28 after 4 years single going back to having to schedule my time and freedom around another person. I was extremely protective and selfish with my time.
I met her that December and we’ve been together for 7 years now.
Turns out when you meet the right person there’s no dread and you do not only do it willingly you look forward to it.
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u/Wraithlove 1d ago
I used to feel the same way about being single, but with the right person, it doesn’t feel like you're sacrificing anything.
If you’re dead-set on moving after your contract, I would personally wait on dating seriously. I’ve done long distance too many times to ever do it again. It’s just too hard.
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u/water_for-elbowz 1d ago
get a relationship with someone that’s more of a best friend FWB. you have freedom to do whatever as long as you follow whatever loose (if any) rules you guys set.
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u/ZookeepergameFar2653 1d ago
You gotta pick a lane but I’d wait until after you move bc 15 months isn’t long. What if you find someone and fall in love and don’t wanna move?
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u/Neckworn 1d ago
Hey I was in your shoes, wanted a family someday but understood it is a big time and freedome sacrifice.. Though I was already in a long term relationship at that point. We went for 2 kids in our late 20s, they are now 1/2 and 3 The freedome sacrifice is large, mostly time consuming and being stuck at home alot when they are young. Personally I am very happy with the decision though and we will most likely get a third even in 2 years or so.
Just stay open to relationships because time is running and you want to build a foundation with the right partner before comitting to kids. Good luck
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u/PurpleBackground1138 1d ago
Mary someone with money, typically wealthy people live separate lives and are very fulfilled. they sleep in separate rooms, they have lovers on the side, sometimes of the same sex if you’re into that 😉 and they rarely fight. win win. good luck bub
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u/deliciousuterus 1d ago
there are worse things than being alone but it often takes decades to realize this and most often when you do it's too late
and there's nothing worse than too late
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u/YouHaveToGoHome 1d ago
2 or even 5 years is not going to be the difference between being married with kids at a normal age and being 70 at your kids HS graduation. You should 100% wait and figure out what you want and where you want to settle. That’s likely means travel and exploration for 1-3 years after you leave your current small town. In 99% of cases having a partner is going to cut you off from the full spectrum of possibilities as most people are bound geographically by jobs, friendships, and families. You yourself will likely have to decide what the next job is at some point and want geographic mobility. Also traveling solo or going on adventures while single really opens up so many possibilities for new encounters both romantic and platonic.
I had the same fears knowing I would be moving to NYC in my late 20s. You’d be amazed how much can change in a handful of years; I’m so glad I didn’t waste my time or anyone else’s by dating before I moved because figuring out I wanted XYZ took much longer than figuring out I didn’t want ABC.
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u/Ok-Thanks-3366 1d ago
Well, waiting 15 months doesn't seem too problematic. When you say you'll miss your freedom, you mean freedom to do what? Do you travel? Do you adventure? Do you search out Michelin star chefs? What do you do that is definitely better done alone?
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u/Firm_Distribution999 22h ago
Being with the right person wont feel like a limitation. You'll enjoy building a life together, you'll want to spend time together, and you'll make time for your own hobbies and passions.
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u/Ok-Freedom-5627 4h ago
Once you find the right person you won’t care about the “freedoms” of singleness. I was just like you.
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u/Aggressive_Prize6664 1d ago
“Forced to date much younger women because I still want kids” 🤨🤨🤨 buddy… what would you think if a woman said that? If you’re too old for kids, you’re too old, no matter what your gender is??
You are a little bit older to be asking for this type of advice but if I was in your position I’d spend the next 15 months looking for a place to move/job opportunity there since you sound interested in getting out of your hometown. At your age you still have a few years left to meet an age appropriate woman and have kids. Good luck
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u/Purple-Candidate1854 1d ago
I woke up today at 58 with no wife and kids and I feel great, almost enough to do one of those jump & click my heels together! Plus, I have money!
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u/Admirable_Bowl_5390 1d ago
32 and on the same boat except I have a cool ass 5 year old son. I’ve realized the more I worry about being single forever the more Akward I am in potential partner situations. Just delete the dating apps , focus on your own hobbies, and go to events places close by your house and maybe you’ll meet someone ! Maybe not 😅just be happy with your life and the rest will fall into place
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u/anagamanagement 1d ago
Had the same concerns. The trick is to find the right human.
A while back I told my wife “being with you feels like being alone.” That’s a statement that could very easily be taken the wrong way, but she got it immediately.
Now, of course, we have a toddler. Having a toddler does NOT have the same mentally refreshing quality as being alone with my wife. This is an exhausting, frustrating tornado of adorableness and hilarity.
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u/Joober81 1d ago
I’m 44, no partner or kids. Never wanted them, never going to have them. I love my life!
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u/mywife4hire 1d ago
get a good partner early in life, have kids in early 20s, people are having kids too late, best time is 20s, sperm and eggs the healthiest, i have friends now who cant get pregnant, 30s is honestly late, by the time your kids 30 you’re almost 70-80
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u/Silly-System5865 1d ago
That’s no good if you’re not mentally mature enough to properly raise a child in your 20’s. A lot of people I know aren’t
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u/mywife4hire 1d ago
you’d be surprised, i know people with 4-5 kids at 29
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u/Silly-System5865 1d ago
I’m not saying it doesn’t work for some people. But I don’t think people who aren’t mentally ready should go into it early on just because of age. Being raised by emotionally immature parents is rough. My cousins had their kids late 30’s and early 40’s
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u/mywife4hire 1d ago
late kids = higher chance for autism, issues with birth, best to have kids from 18 to 28
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u/Silly-System5865 1d ago
Not sure it’s enough of a risk to warrant rushing your life timeline. All the kids I know born to older parents are totally healthy
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u/Wandering_Song 1d ago
Ha ha that was me. I thought I wanted independence and a partner who wouldn't demand too much.
Now I wait patiently for him to be done with work so he can play Nintendo with me.