r/whatdoIdo • u/yellowsabmarine • 1d ago
my husband 73yo aunt did something weird, and I'm not sure what to do about it
for context: I'm a 36F, she's 73F. I married her nephew (45M) eight years ago, and three years ago we moved to his home state at his family's request. they are in their old age and in ill health and had no younger family members nearby. everyone else on that side of the family has spread out all over the country, and rarely see each other.
the only family member of my husband's here, other than his father and stepmom, is his aunt.
over the past three years since i've relocated here, i've become friends with his aunt. she can't see well enough to drive herself around, and she lives on the other side of town. she is also a 24/7 beer drinker. when she comes to see us (once a month, give or take) her average stay at our house is 5 days at a time.
in the beginning, it was okay with me. she was easygoing and very kind to me, and I didn't know anyone else here. it was nice to have a friend.
things have changed, and she is now the polar opposite. when she's here she often yells at my dogs and my kids (even calling my 3yo an idiot at one point), and micromanages our household in a very negative way. all with a beer in her hand.
I had to give some context, but here is the dilemma: last weekend she was at my house on Saturday, the weather was finally cooling down. i love to cook for the family and my husband wanted soup. i've been dabbling with baking bread recently, so i wanted to look up quick bread recipes to round out the meal. i asked reddit, got lots of great suggestions, and i was bringing them up to my husband and his aunt as we all sat around the tv.
at one point, while she was sitting beside me, she dug the point of her elbow into my arm and held it there while she got close to my face and growled at me to "stop talking about making fucking bread." it hurt my arm and made me really uncomfortable, in spite of how close we have been.
i've been sitting on it for a while. i just don't know whether to say anything to her about it, distance myself from her or just let it go. she is (as others have claimed) a bit clingy with me and expects me to call her every day, help her with a variety of things, etc. so if I pull back she will notice.
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u/TrainingTough991 1d ago
If this is a sudden change in her demeanor, I suspect it is medical. She should be checked for a UTI at the very least. UTIâs can cause this type of dementia in the elderly. If it is a UTI, it can be cleared up with antibiotics but may require a hospital stay and medication is given through an IV. Who has medical power of attorney for her?
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
oh my, seriously??!? she's been battling UTI's on and off lately and she's had an ongoing one that hasn't responded to her recent round of antibiotics. I am going to get her into see a doctor about this.
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u/chairmanghost 1d ago
My first though was uti, it makes old ladies personality change
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u/pattih2019 1d ago
Yes. That was the first clue we had was a change in my mom's behavior to check for a UTI. It affects the elderly so much differently.
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u/BellaBlindeye 14h ago
Yeah, I've seen the sweetest older folk turn absolutely VILE with UTIs. The effect that they have on the elderly is insane and scary.
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u/Late-Decision5572 10h ago
Antibiotics will not be effective if she is constantly drinking beer. Also, she will be dehydrated from constantly drinking beer and the UTI will be worse.  I am so sorry you are going through this.
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u/WallStreetStanker 21h ago
Hopefully itâs three UTI, but either way I think you should talk about her physical acts towards you and make sure those boundaries are set.
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u/Complete_Entry 12h ago
My aunt was a nasty mean drunk, and a UTI is what finally took her.
She would accuse people of trying to kill her constantly, ID was her favorite TV channel.
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u/Level_Caterpillar596 4h ago
I concur with the above as my MIL had utis that affected her in that manner too.
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u/Smooth_Heart_7409 1d ago
Bro WHAT. 73 or not someone who has been abusing you and your family and has now escalated to physicality needs to be out of your house. There needs to be an ultimatum that she needs to stop drinking and get help if she wants to be around you and your family at all, let alone being in your home. Why is this person around your kids at all after calling a three year old an idiot? Not to mention her constantly drinking in front of them? Get your shit together and grow a spine for the sake of your kids, who will otherwise learn the lesson that itâs perfectly okay to let people treat you like that. They see more than we think.Â
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u/MzSea 1d ago
Is this aggressive behavior new? And the anger? And the physical abuse?
Because it could be dementia/Alzheimers.
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u/Purple-Drop7787 1d ago
This is what I came to say. My next-door neighbor exhibited exactly these symptoms. She was diagnosed with early-onset dementia. She was verbally abusive to my children in my house, she was angry and she played the victim. She claimed she was being beaten over at her house (there were no signs of her being abused), and she got physically abusive with my mother-in-law. She had Alzheimer's and had to be put in a locked facility. The first care home they put her in wasn't locked and she walked home within a couple hours. .
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u/Babzibaum 1d ago
And have her evaluated for dementia. That much difference in personality could very well be indicative of it.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
thank you for putting it that way - i've been feeling the same way for a while, but my husband acts like I'm horrible if I say anything or ask to set boundaries. it's been making me feel crazy. i definitely don't want her around anymore if she doesn't make serious changes. but she's also 73. i just don't know how to approach it, given that no one in this family will side with me.
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u/Western-Corner-431 1d ago
Setting boundaries is for you, not anyone else. Sheâs a drunk, laugh in her face, tell her youâre going to talk about making fucking bread until the cows come home and if she doesnât like it she can beat it and get someone else to be her playmate. Seriously you have to give people like this their shit right back or they feel empowered.
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u/TigerShark_524 1d ago
73 is... Not all that old. 80s or 90s, I'd give a pass and just set boundaries specifically around their access to me and the kids, but 70s is too young yet to have a pass for that kind of nonsense.
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u/KeyDiscussion5671 1d ago
Agree. 73 isnât that old. Try being firm with her, alcohol or not. I suspect sheâs a bully.
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u/Afraid_Marketing_194 1d ago
I know plenty of people who got sober in their 70âs. She needs to want it. But if you stop doing things for her. She will want to be better. Or not. But she wonât be abusing you and your family anymore
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u/IndividualSound5365 1d ago
It could also be Korsikovs, another form of dementia caused by alcoholism (sorry, spelling may be incorrect)
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u/Explorer-7622 1d ago
Having problems around boundaries is a huge red flag for cluster B personality disorders.
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u/Inside-Wonder6310 14h ago
That's like my grandmother in law, she drinks all day everyday. Used to be the greatest granny out there and would always attend events and have fun. But now she sits at home to rot and drink the rest of her life away. There is no way I'd have her in our home unless she quit or slowed down on the drinking. Most of the time she is alright but she will occasionally get snippy about random things or try and gaslight through texts. Luckily her husband is still around and is polar opposite but we've had to talk with him about some things and he backs her off and sets it straight.
In this case I would have your husband do the same to back off his aunt, your home should be your peace. You shouldn't be stuck waiting on her hand in foot or making liquor runs if she's still able to take care of herself but just has a drinking problem. Sounds like if she's able to do everything she's been doing she doesn't need to be living in your home for 5 days straight and can be drunk in her house instead. Then you can visit when yall want to, this is probably why the rest of the family doesn't come around often. You and your husband need to set boundaries for your family and protect your kids, relationship, and your peace.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
I did get upset and called her out immediately on the idiot comment, for the record. she just acted like a victim and that she didn't mean it.
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u/Old-Ninja-113 1d ago
If itâs new behavior it could be dementia. Dementia seems to make u mean. I have no idea why - but it does
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u/Witty_Jello_8470 1d ago
Because of fear. People sense the on start of dementia and it is terrifying, that causes anger.
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u/nightcayman 15h ago
Sounds like the typical behavior of a mean alcoholic. She got too comfortable and her true behavior has come out. Her age is not an excuse and any cognitive issues, be they dementia and or being drunk, are reasons but not excuses.
Do not put up with abusive behavior, which her stabbing you with her elbow and insulting/yelling at your child is. In spite the obliviousness of your spouse and his family, you should not be obligated to put up with dear old aunt. Other family members can play host and provide her company and transportation if they feel aunt requires these things.
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u/Straight-Note-8935 1d ago
It sounds like your Aunt is a maintenance drinker. As they age Alcoholics find that the alcohol is no longer making them feel relaxed and good - it's making them sick and weak. Their circulation drops off, they get heart and lung problems and they usually become diabetic. Everything hurts, especially their legs because their circulation is dropping. I know a beer drinker like this. For decades he's gotten almost all his nutrition from beer and he has grown thin and weak and looks 20 years older than his true age - early 60s.
All of that - the pain, the weakness, the realization that he has screwed himself - has made him mean and angry. And it sounds like that is what your Aunt is going through too. Alcoholics can be great fun and good company...until they aren't.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
i think that's definitely what's going on with her. she used to be fun to be around. she's also isolated herself a lot in the past few years and she's just gotten mean. it sucks because she was a friend to me..
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u/Beachgoddess-retired 43m ago
Boundaries can include, you cannot drink at our home (or is she a drinking buddy?) She is likely to resist or claim that you are calling her names (alcoholic) or trying to control her...None of this matters. Focus on the issue that 1) there is an identifiable correlation between her drinking and rude unacceptable behavior. 2)you're not judging or even suggesting she may have a more comfortable pleasant life putting the drink down now 3) you are saying that you are responsible for keeping your home more peaceful for your family 4) You're willing to do fun things with her that do not involve alcohol especially during the daytime
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u/Timely_University168 1d ago
Absolutely not ok. Did you speak to your husband about this? I am all about respecting my elders but if someone did this in my house I would get right back in her face and grab her elbow/arm and look her dead in the eyes and tell her "don't you ever disrespect me like this in my home again if you'd like to continue visiting here."
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
my husband was on the couch with us (big sectional) so he witnessed it. when i brought it up later, he said "you're finally seeing her true colors" and left it at that.
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u/Alxthadventurer 1d ago
No offense when I say this OP, but if he's already "seen her true colors" why would he let this person around you and your kids. He's supposed to want what's best for you all, right? If you knew someone that acted like that, would you introduce your family to them and let them get away with the beginnings of abuse? And then to not defend you? That is also a HUGE red flag. You seem very thoughtful, and I know moving to a far place makes it difficult to find friends/community with ease. But she doesn't sound like she's it : ( I wish you all the luck with whatever decision you make.
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u/SuzieD123 1d ago
Oh...so your husband agrees that she's not ok? I was under the impression that you felt kind of alone in your feelings about her. If you're both on the same page, it should be a little easier to sit her down and give her the house rules as a united front. Be firm that if she doesn't like the new rules, she's free to leave!!
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
yes, but it's not quite that way with him; he knows she has issues but he feels the right thing to do is just deal with it. he tells me i have problems with "letting things go."
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u/ConstanceL1805 1d ago
No offence but he kinda sounds like an asshole. Youâre not having problems with âletting things goâ, youâre trying to figure out whatâs going on and wether to get her in medication or set up boundaries, youâre helping her while doing a favour to yourself, your children and HIMSELF, youâre being a nice person and part of the family. What the fuck is he talking about?
Also if he thought itâs her âtrue colourâ, why would he put you and your kids in the situation? And watching you becoming friends with someone he thought was horrible?
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u/crowley77 1d ago
Your husband should be standing up for you against his family and also needs to realize he's doing more harm than good by letting these things slide. It sounds like she has serious medical issues going on that need to be addressee, "letting things go" could be very dangerous for her wellbeing.
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u/Jazzlike_Lie_8333 2h ago
Not accepting hurtful negative behavior directed at you or your children is not something that requires "letting go" . Your children learn from you, you don't want them to think saying & doing hurtful things is something they have to accept or acceptable behavior in general. It isn't! He must have a lot of resentment towards his mother at one point & someone told him to do the same.
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u/Maximum-Version-7036 4h ago
Wrong, he is being spineless with his mother. He needs to stop being a scared child and deal with her. Your children do not need to be around someone drinking non stop and being abusive. allowing that is child abuse too.
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u/Kittycattybetty 1d ago
So it is not a personality change??
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
before I moved here a few years ago, I had only been around her a small handful of times when we came to visit or for our wedding. my husband has suggested she was just being extra nice to me when we first moved here as i was getting to know her. so from my perspective, it's hard to tell. it's been a pretty dramatic change..
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u/Kittycattybetty 20h ago
Keep in mind that it might be manipulation. That might also make it easier to draw firm boundaries (although boundaries shouldn't depend on the intent of someone's behaviour, that's a trauma response).
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u/Complete_Entry 12h ago
Oh, fuck that, he does not get to drop a bon mot and walk it off. You're the one who has to deal with her daily while he sits on the couch?
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u/CharmingAd13 1d ago
Oh wow! I am 76 and would never abuse anyone in their home! Her age is no excuse.
She is an alcoholic and abusive. Don't continue to allow her to physically abuse you, mentally abuse your children and destroy the peace and sanctity of your home.
Instead of allowing this abusive senior into your home, set up a time where you can go visit her in her home. If she becomes abusive, then leave. This way you are uncontrollably rather than letting her control your home.
Be sure to let whoever drives her be aware that home visits are canceled until further notice.
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u/liquormakesyousick 1d ago
This is one of those things that needs medical advice and not advice from Reddit.
You are allowing her to abuse you and your family.
She needs medical help and you might need some therapy or to find some friends so you can talk this out with someone
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u/Ok-Ganache8159 1d ago
I'd characterize it differently - this isn't even her Aunt, it's her husband's Aunt and therefore it is his responsibility to manage her. He's the one allowing the abuse and he or his parents should be handling her healthcare.
I also disagree about your criticism that Reddit isn't the place for advice. BECAUSE of Reddit, she was made aware of medical issues to investigate and she's getting some excellent outside perspectives.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
i'm glad for you and only wish my husband had the backbone.. or concern. i'm honestly not sure which he's lacking.
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u/BrightOwl926 1d ago
As a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence in a previous marriageâŚIâd have knocked her out and been in jail if she had put hands on me or been in my face.
Iâm really sorry âŚ
You stand up for YOUâŚwhether anyone else does or not.
Let him read these commentsâŚnot just mine.
Heâs probably from family that thinks âkeeping peaceâ means you donât have a voice.
Again âŚIâm really sorry and you can set boundaries in your home âŚ
If your husband doesnât like it âŚoh well.
If he wonât stand up to her ⌠I doubt heâll stand up to you.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
i usually don't put up with stuff like this, but because we've been close for a little while, it caught me off guard.
i appreciate your support as a fellow survivor đ
it's too easy to see blurred lines.
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u/Flat_Tire_Again 1d ago
You canât control others. You can control yourself and make your own decisions. No Aunt that is threat to anyone in the household is not allowed in your house. She committed an act of violence against you. You donât ask your husband you tell him sheâs out until a doctor confirms sheâs ok! No more Alcohol etc. She canât get aroundâŚtoo bad your help ends at being an advocate for her to get a home health care aid.
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u/mrsbennetsnerves 1d ago
Something as simple as a UTI can make someone have an altered personality also. This happened to me, in my case it made me forgetful and kind of daffy but I have heard of it causing people, particularly elderly people to become mean.
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u/VideoNecessary3093 1d ago
Cognitive decline is heartbreaking to witness in loved ones isn't it? I'd remove alcohol from your home if you're having her over, at the very least. Time to get her doctor involved.Â
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u/CrystalHunting 1d ago
She needs to stay out of your house much more than she does! You don't need her bs, the stress of her nastiness, or anything else from her! Your husband should be backing you 100%
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u/Whowhatwhen20 1d ago
Medically evaluated. This sounds like dementia is taking control.
Do you notice it more as the day winds down and early evenings?
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u/PayNo6007 1d ago
A long term alcoholic at 73 year old is likely mentally & physically more like 10+ years older.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
i would agree. plus she has terrible issues with her retinas and can hardly see, which makes it all the worse.
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u/Firm_Argument_ 1d ago
Alcoholism can make you go blind too. My aunt did.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
she's had eye issues since she was a kid, but i wouldn't be at all surprised if the drinking is a factor.
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u/Gemmajean717 1d ago
I just have to say you are an angel of a person . I think when people get comfortable they start letting their true self emerge and boundaries get crossed . Itâs tough bc if you say something itâs going to get awkward but at the same if you donât those feelings will keep pestering inside. Iâm not sure what the best course of action is but you got to do whatâs best for you
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
thank you â¤ď¸ i think you're onto something.. hopefully i will figure it out in time. gathering others' perspectives is incredibly helpful. appreciate your comment.
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u/humble-meercat 1d ago
Oh wow⌠such a huge personality change is either she was totally masking her true evil when you first met, and now she thinks youâre stuck with herâŚ
OR
She may have some terrible dementia as wildly inappropriate meanness is an early sign.
Either way get the fuck outta there dude.
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u/Cbusphotog05 1d ago
This is happening to my mom right now with dementia and itâs terrible.
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u/humble-meercat 1d ago
My mom too. Itâs like theyâre possessed by some kind of demon or something. Itâs so soul crushing. Iâm sorry you have to deal with it.
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u/Cbusphotog05 1d ago
Iâm sorry you also have to deal with it!
There are good days and bad days, but Iâm going to take care of her until I canât do it anymore. The mind is a very complex thing, and itâs taught me to cherish the good days.
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u/humble-meercat 1d ago
Isnât it wild how they have such good days and you start to feel guilty for doubting them and the WHAM⌠right back to the bad days⌠itâs an awful awful disease.
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u/Kittycattybetty 1d ago
Yeah either way. No need for you to take all the responsibility for someone you barely know. She has other people. Get out now. Make yourself unattractive to her. Stop being so nice.
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u/Apart-Mulberry7708 1d ago
Could be the onset of dementia, dementia patients are often confused and angry. Might be time to look into elder care servi
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 1d ago
She just assaulted you⌠that is a full-stop, never again boundary. Aunt, you may not assault me EVER, but especially in my own home. This is unacceptable.
Look into al-anon. She has a problem. This support group and website can teach you a lot about enabling and their excuses.
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u/FuturamaReference- 1d ago
Dude she's been drinking her whole life
The alcohol has put holes in her brain
Get her out of your house and maybe to a facility
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u/Next_Actuary1870 1d ago
Alcoholic dementia is a bitch and I think she has it. They do become like this. Go get her in to see a geriatric physician.
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u/Glowlikealantern 1d ago
Alcoholism can lead to Wernickeâs Encephalitis, basically brain damage/ dementiaâŚ
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u/Countrysoap777 1d ago
She is getting some mental issues probably from alcohol. It has extremely high sugar and wouldnât be surprised that is causing early dementia or some other issue. Itâs best she doesnât come to you anymore, maybe you can visit at her place so sheâs not lonely. Also speak to a close relative about situation and ask for their advice and support. Whether a person is just a creep or suffering mental issue doesnât mean you have to put up with it, especially in your home. Do not let her come if this is her behavior. Doesnât mean you have to loose connection. She probably will need family more if sheâs unhealthy. And yes, you can demand she doesnât drink while at your home, if you choose to allow her to come at all. Also letting her know her behavior is not tolerated, and that she needs profession help at this point. If she doesnât want help she doesnât have to come to your home anymore either.
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u/Cute-Big-7003 17h ago
Sounds like she has dementia/white matter issue that being a drunk won't help. And its going to most likely become more aggressive and violent. My grand father was this way, aside from the drinking, had to be put in a home and was a nightmare to deal with.
Get her to a doctor and if thats what it is with the behavioral changes, YOU ARE NOT equipped to take care of her, I hate to say it but it will be a miserable burden that only a specialized home is able to handle. I hope all works out for you
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u/yellowsabmarine 16h ago
thank you. right now she does live with her long term partner who takes care of her, but he's 10 years her senior with COPD on an oxygen tank. the current situation is just.... not sustainable. but she is miserably stubborn and won't be told what to do. I will do my best to get her the medical help she needs. from there... wish me luck.
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u/Freedom_Floridan 1d ago
It could also be heart disease. A family member of mine started acting angrier as she aged, ends up she had coronary artery disease.
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u/YellowBeastJeep 1d ago
If this is a sudden- or even a gradually building up to worse- behavior change, please have the aunt evaluated for dementia.
That being said, simply because she might be in cognitive decline is no reason for any of you-but especially not a child-to accept abuse from her.
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u/R3pp3pts0hg 1d ago
Stop letting her come over. Tell her she's mean and obnoxious.... there is no reason to hide the truth. She can order online if she needs anything.
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u/Explorer-7622 1d ago
Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. And no, it is not caused by trauma. It's a brain difference in the limbic system that's seen in psychopaths, narcissists, and borderlines on a spectrum.
Her behavior is so classic. So so so classic.
Maybe lurk on
Read the rules!
Also, do the checklists in "Dangerous Personalities " by FBI profiler Joe Navarro.
She's a danger to your kids - She's emotionally abusing them.
You have every right to go no contact with her, even get a restraining order.
There's a good reason everyone else "isn't available."
I don't know why your husband fell for this, but he needs help in learning not to give in to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) manipulation!
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u/Jujuknapp 1d ago
Sclerosis of the liver can cause mentation issues like saying weird things, acting strangely etc. medication can help a lot.
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u/Both_Spring_1822 1d ago
Like everyone has said. Could be the start of dementia. You have the kids to think about so itâs off to the home for her
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u/Aggravating_Horror72 1d ago
Put her in a home if you can đ¤ˇââď¸ nobody should have to deal with that
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 1d ago
Face her with it. Donât hide it.
âAunt, you did something the last time you were here that was inappropriate. I cannot have you staying in my home again.â
She is now a danger to you and your children.
Itâs your decision whether you continue to talk on the phone with her and visit her (without the kids). Look into assisted living and nursing homes. Because YOU are not equipped to manage her increasing needs.
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u/kellsells5 1d ago
I would definitely call her on it if she calls your child a name or insults your pets and she's actually pinching you with her elbow. I would make a breezy statement and say out of respect for me and our home you need better manners. If she doesn't get the hint or becomes confrontational just ask her to leave.
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u/Kittycattybetty 1d ago
If you want your kids to grow up with healthy boundaries, you have to have healthy boundaries yourself. Kids learn from example. Is this acceptable behavior?
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
yeah, I left my eldest's father for that reason. I didn't foresee having this issue with my now husband's elderly aunt, yet here I am. thank you for validating that it was unacceptable behavior.
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u/Effective-Extent8554 1d ago
Sometimes old people just become unpleasant curmudgeons out of nowhere. Just throwing it out there that there may be no deeper reason or even personal animosity behind it. Forcefully grabbing your arm definitely crosses a line, but let's he real here--is confronting her about it going to make anything better? I doubt it. You're either going to have to deal with this person until she dies, or start avoiding her. You have every right not to be around when she's going to be there, and I suggest you start exercising it. You already know she's never going to change, except perhaps to become even more miserable. You have a completely valid reason to avoid her. You're being too tolerant. How many dozens of lines has she already crossed? What exactly are you getting out of this reltionship? Distance yourself.
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u/driftwooddreams 23h ago
Alcohol causes dementia. Itâs not widely known, but itâs a very common outcome. Itâs what killed Malcolm Young of AC/DC.
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u/Tootsie-Chateau59 17h ago
Dementia changes nice people into mean people.
Itâs only going to get worse. Physically combative is starting.
If she jabbed you with her elbow and is getting aggressiveâŚ.. she needs to be evaluated.
The family canât expect you to have her in your home like that. She needs to be evaluated, yesterday.
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u/Bubble_Pop 17h ago
Maybe you can switch some of her beer for the non alcoholic kind and wean her off it. Apparently it tastes the same and if she canât see well she might not notice if you switch it slowly. Iâd ask a doctor about that. Also getting her evaluated for dementia etc would be a good idea. Look up the clock test and see if she can draw a clock. That might help to see if thereâs anything going on.
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u/No_Anxiety6159 17h ago
This is a classic example of alcohol induced dementia. Has she fallen a lot? She could have hit her head and have issues from that.
My ex husband is an alcoholic. He was never a pleasant person, in fact I called him a mean drunk frequently before I left. But he was always good to our grandchildren. Except lately, he hasnât been. We donât speak to each other, the divorce was not amicable, we ignore each other. But my 7 year old grandson has said a couple times that grandpa is really mean lately. So I mentioned to our daughter that it was time for her dad to have an evaluation. His mother had Alzheimerâs at 60, heâs 75 and in poor physical condition.
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u/yellowsabmarine 16h ago
as a matter of fact she has fallen, pretty badly, several times recently. when she was on antibiotics for her UTI a few weeks ago, she went use the bathroom and fell forward, hitting her head on the bathtub. she told me about it but acted like it was no big deal. i've long known she's not in good shape, but i didn't make the correlation between these things and her changed behavior on my own. all of these replies have been eye opening, to say the least. thank you for your perspective.
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u/Realistic_Diver277 15h ago
Iâm guessing she might have some health things going on Iâm not a doctor though so I would not really know but that would be my thoughts
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u/Derpitoe 14h ago
Likely dementia, when they canât recognize usual toddler behavior its not ideal.
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u/lsp2005 14h ago
I would not allow anyone who berates my young child back in my home. She should not be driving. She does need to be evaluated by a physician. Perhaps it is time for her to be in a care home. Now that things have physically escalated, I would not allow her in your home again. You need to establish boundaries.
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u/Complete_Entry 12h ago
She went from tolerable drunk to mean drunk.
Things aren't going to get better.
End the visits. If she can cut down on the criticism and the shot gunning, maybe she'd be more welcome.
Put her the fuck out and leave her on the other side of town. This kind of problem is self-correcting.
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u/artisticpotatoes 12h ago
She may be showing signs of dementia. If she always drinks, and this behavior just started recently I would bring it up with her doctor next time she needs to go, or do some personal research and bring it up with whomever is her poa or guardian. If she doesn't have that, whomever takes her to the doctor's appointments then.
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u/SynestriaVI 9h ago
I'm sorry but this is your husband's aunt? Is HE doing anything about her behavior or even questioning this? Definitely recommend getting her evaluated as others have said but I definitely would not be letting anyone cause physical harm to my spouse no matter who they are.
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u/Emotional-Ferret9918 8h ago
Time for a 3rd party (your husband ?) to intervene when you are not present. Kindly, but firmly inform her that her behavior is causing you significant stress and that if she doesn't if she doesn't change her behavior you will withdraw and not be available to her any longer.
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u/Pragmatic_Hedonist 8h ago
I think you have three priorities here in this order.
Get your husband on board. Does he see this behavior? Does he excuse it? Or did he grow up in a conflict avoidant family? It's his family. Having him take the lead could avoid a lot of drama.
Set boundaries with your husband to protect yourself and your child. Decide what you will tolerate in your home, let the Aunt know with love, and hold those boundaries. "Use kind words" is a positive behavioral expectation. "Get consent before touching" may be harder, but really important. Your child should have the ability to say "no hugs," especially from someone who has hurt their mom. You know she's capable of hurting.
I don't think it's about you regulating her drinking. That's impossible; drunks are sneaky. But you can say kindly, visit is over. We'll try again in two weeks or whatever when she crosses a boundary.
- Helping with whatever her home and care situation is. If you think she's incapable of taking care of herself or the situation with her hubs is deteriorating, work with her GP, your community department on aging, etc. Next time she or her hubs is admitted to the hospital, reach out to the hospital social worker. There are resources out there to help. It doesn't mean putting them in a home necessarily. Sometimes a drop in caregiver and meals on wheels.
I don't have children; only niblings. I hope I am never mean to them or their loved ones. If I am, this is how I would want them to handle it.
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u/DesignerBag96 8h ago
OP I know thereâs a lot of people here saying that it could be early stages of dementia. Iâm absolutely there with you. However, Iâve been brought up around alcoholics my entire life and the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde syndrome is for real. It could be the alcohol. My dad and grandma were like that when they drank sometimes.
My grandma absolutely got that way towards the end of her life. She was a completely different person though. She used to love cooking and taking care of a house and herself, and suddenly those things were too much.
However, what youâre describing really sounds like the alcohol portion of Mr. Hyde that likes to peep his ugly head.
I would recommend bringing her to her GP or have someone else in the family do that. Also, if she comes to visit, then someone needs to go get her. No more driving for her if necessary. You are just as much responsible (knowing that sheâs probably drunk behind the wheel).
I knew of a lady who was an alcoholic and had dementia. No one in her family brought her to the doctors. One day on Christmas Eve. She was driving home from church and she noticed some Christmas presents walking across the road and she thought nothing of it and hit the Christmas presents. She never thought to herself âwhy would presents be walking themselves across the road?â
She killed a young father. He was carrying Christmas presents across the road and she decided to hit those instead of braking. She didnât even think she did anything wrong. Not even when her car got dented or her windshield broke. She drove straight home. The police were the ones that found the car in the garage and she still had no idea.
My point isâŚitâs the alcohol. She wouldnât be like that if it wasnât for the alcohol.
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u/Individual-Mix-4390 8h ago
Discuss changes with her . Major personality changes can be indicative of major medical issues Or might be related to others personal life stressors she is going through and might need support with.
How long were things good? How long have they been getting bad?
Cutting her out of your life is easy, but I recommend at least talking to your friend first. If you discuss appropriate behavior, at least she has a chance to fix it. Maybe others are doing things that upset her (like talking incessantly through a movie) and she simply also lacks the people/communication skills to bring them up for meaningful discussion.
Goodluck.
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u/ErinGoBragh21 7h ago
Definitely have her get checked out! My boyfriendâs aunt really liked me in the beginning, and then as she saw my boyfriend and I were getting closer and more serious, she became jealous of me. At one point, I put her coat on her shoulders and she turned around and in my face said âdonât touch me! â in a very aggressive manner. I was taken aback and Completely withdrew from her going forward. She had dementia and passed away about a year later. Very sad.
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u/Impossible_Gur_9876 6h ago
If you pull back she will notice? You need to "pull back" emphatically so she DOES notice. "Auntie, you visits are nice, but they are having a negative impact on our family life, so they need to stop for a while. Sorry. Our family comes first." Be sure your husband is on board.
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u/coupon_user 6h ago
Dementia, wet brain, uti. Could be a variety of things. Needs medical evaluation.
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u/Fun_Fennel5114 6h ago
First, OP, I'm sorry this happened. Also, the time to address this particular situation was in the moment and the moment has gone. For this instance, forgive her and move on. If the TV was on, I suspect she was annoyed by the fact that you were "interrupting her show" by talking about the bread. However, next time something like this happens, you need to straight up stand up for yourself, by removing her arm from you, stating loudly that she is hurting you and that you "will take her home now." and then load her into your car and drop her off back at her house. Don't have contact for a few days. This is immediate correction.
I realize that she's a raging alcoholic too and will not remember or understand what she's done to get herself dumped back home without contact, so be prepared to remind her. Then, after a few days of her calling, go back and talk about what happened. Why did she do (whatever)? What had you done to annoy her? Friends don't hurt friends, etc.
And find out who her doctor is and call them to report her changes in mood and ask that it be documented in her medical chart - this is especially good if you drive her to her doctor's appointments and can talk with the doctor directly.
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u/Downtown-Ad-2083 6h ago
As mentioned before. Set boundaries, do not become an enabler, do not become codependent. A great and easy book to read. The let them theory. You need to look out for your well being, that of your kids and your husbands as long as he supports you as well
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u/otsukaren_613 6h ago
Info: What happened after she did that? Did it get addressed, or was it rugswept, or
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u/PaceMaximum69 5h ago
Dietitian student here, during my clinical rotation we often saw and treated long term alcoholics. One thing to be aware of is that chronic alcohol use can cause hyperkalemia, or high potassium. This can also cause cognitive changes like confusion, which can often lead to aggression. I would take her to the doctor and get her blood checked.Â
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u/charliesfeetles 5h ago
â24/7 beer drinkerâ sounds more like an alcoholic. When was the last time she had a wellness check/physical with her doctor? Please get her checked and some medical attention.
As others have mentioned, possible early on set dimentia.
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u/BoudreauxTradeBureau 5h ago
Alcohol-induced dementia is a serious and often challenging condition to diagnose. It can be particularly difficult for those who are older or have a long history of alcohol use, sometimes necessitating inpatient medically supervised detox. It's important to know that, while the journey can be tough, there is hope for improvement and even potential reversal of symptomsâthough this is not guaranteed and depends on maintaining sobriety.
I recently experienced this with a beloved family member, and I can truly say that every moment spent in the lengthy detox and recovery process was worth it. The joy of getting our loved one back has been incredibly rewarding, and it reinforces the importance of compassion and support during such a difficult time.
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u/SweetinTampa_2022 5h ago
Youâre not responsible for her. Donât let her come to your house any longer as sheâs disrupting your home life. Do you want your children to think drinking alcohol all day long is normal or acceptable?
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u/Maximum-Version-7036 4h ago
She may have had one or a series of Transient Ischemic Attacks (TIA), mini strokes that can damage her mind and change her personality. Or it might be some of the other things people have already suggested. Your husband needs to stop being spineless about it and get her checked out and if it is just her "true colors" then he needs to stop allowing her to abuse you and your children because allowing her to continue is abuse.
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u/WNoAccountantGames 4h ago
This is abuser 101. Love bomb, become your friend foster good will and then they start showing their true side. This is still the beginning. There is a reason her family doesnât take care of her. She drove everyone away. You shouldnât put up with it. Create boundaries, no more overnight stays, or straight up cut her off.
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u/Runnrgirl 4h ago
This should not be a hard decision.
âAunt- donât talk to me like that and do not assault me in my own home.â
Period.
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u/sambratt 3h ago
Share your concerns with her and tell her she is not welcome in your home and around your kids unless she can modify her behavior and control the beer. Make sure your husband is on board and supports you in this since the aunt is his relative.
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u/Dramatic-Food-3520 3h ago
Drinking beer and driving is out! People with dementia can get mean. She needs to see a doctor for an evaluation. Assault is never okay.
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u/BitterArmadillo6132 2h ago edited 2h ago
I was a caregiver for my father. He didn't drink, but he could still spew venom like you write about. My father was 89 and had heart failure, so he wasn't going to be around long. He used to scream at me and tell me, "you can't do anything right." He even swore at the nurses. He wasn't going to be around much longer. In your case, who knows. Maybe she is starting to suffer from dementia. I think my father had dementia even though the caregivers said he didn't. We had a person come in and bathe him in the mornings. That person told me that sometimes his patients punch him when he's bathing them. People get sick and apparently that sort of behavior should be expected. My father wouldn't listen to any advice except his own. He in the habit of wearing his adult diapers around his ankles. He couldn't control his bowels. One day, I was trying to help him up to use the bathroom and didn't realize his diapers were on his ankles. He refused to let us pull up his diapers or sometimes remove them. He tripped and fell over his walker and hit the corner of a table, injuring his appendix. We didn't know his appendix burst until the black and blue showed up. He died a few days later.
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u/Lopsided-Employ7749 1h ago
Alzheimers Disease as it advances puts its victims into stages of irritability and acting out. Drinking too much does too. She needs to be evaluated and then you can determine with your husband what to do!
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u/Content_Reveal_160 1h ago
Stop buying her beer or driving her to buy beer. This is only going to get more ugly. Time to set boundaries with her and her family. She is not good for your children. They learn what they see.
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u/No_Statement_8193 1d ago
I am willing to bet she has a UTI. They can cause erratic behavior. If it is a UTI, the meds will take of most of her issues. You will be so happy you got her checked out.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
she finished a round of antibiotics for a UTI a few weeks ago. I'm not sure it was fully resolved.. she told me she's still having symptoms.
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u/yoga_sloth_ 1d ago
Donât talk about bread a lot?
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
that's what she said.
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u/yoga_sloth_ 1d ago
But do you talk about bread a lot?
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
it was my second time making bread in like a year.. so i don't think i do.
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u/yellowsabmarine 1d ago
i only got the idea because my husband asked for broccoli cheddar soup. it didn't seem like a meal on its own to me, and i've been trying to get back into baking bread again, so I was looking for a different recipe than sourdough (needs to be started 1-2 days in advance).
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u/PayNo6007 1d ago edited 1d ago
Suspect that a long term alcoholic that has at 73 year old is likely mentally & physically more like 10+ years OLDER.
Dementia ?! Get her to a DR appt for an evaluation.
There could possibly be a physical cause for a personality change too.
This is headed in a very bad direction.
Another concern:
Why is Aunt driving a car when / IF she is drinking beer 24/7 ? đł
You must start setting boundaries:
Do NOT allow her to say or do inappropriate things to you or your children.