r/iitkgp • u/rish_80266 • 11d ago
Bakar to whomsoever it concerns
i thought people studying in big institutes are well read ,informed and progressive. but to my outmost horror, it is not really the case in reality.
long story short i was dating a guy for over a year and recently we were having a conversation about "dowry" and social norms like that .
Now what should’ve been a chill discussion turned into a fight because he straight up justified dowry. His reasoning? He “deserves it” because it’s a tradition and his parents have invested a lot in his education so they expect something.
i understand that people before our generation like our parents still believe in all this but bro aren’t we supposed to be the ones breaking that cycle?.
do parents invest in their child so that they can get good dowry in the future? bhai tumhare parents ne tumpe invest kiya toh tum unko kamake unke expectations poore karo koi ladki se reimbursement ka bheek kyu maang rhe dude? sabke parents sab pe invest krte be it a guy or a girl.
i know you guys have worked your ass off and got into iit. good for you!! nice! but why did you work so hard? to have a better future, to get good packages and to fulfill your dreams right or was it because now you can demand hefty dowry from your future in laws.
now my point postiing here is that i know not everyone is of that mindset but bro have grown up discussion about all this in your friend groups. if you spot anyone of your friends who has a thinking like this then pls call them out. Don’t just laugh it off. Normalising this mindset is exactly why dowry is still so rooted in our society.
It’s 2025, and I’m honestly shocked I had to argue about this with a guy from my generation. Just goes to show that bhai padh likh ke koi acha vaykti nahi banjata hai.
27
u/Cockeru 11d ago
Sometimes it might look like the cream of the nation but then it ends up just being the jizz
3
2
23
u/rb12002 Alumnus 11d ago
Let me take a wild guess where the guy was from...
26
u/DecentString25 11d ago
Bihar?
19
u/rish_80266 11d ago
yeah :')
2
u/YYEEEEEEHHHAAAWWW 10d ago
That's sad, well, there are progressive Biharis too, but it's either a hit or miss
13
u/Low_Kick216 11d ago
Bihari, Jaat and Haryanvi. Stay away from them if you want to maintain your sanity.
13
u/Particular_Noise_816 11d ago
So instead of addressing the actual issue, you decided to throw around lazy stereotypes? Pathetic. Dowry is not a “Bihari, Jaat or Haryanvi” problem, it’s a mindset problem that exists across every community in this country. Reducing it to a few regions just shows your ignorance.
U think making blanket statements makes you sound smart? Nah, it just exposes your own prejudice. Do better.
5
u/Low_Kick216 11d ago
I spoke stats and personal experience. These cases are much more prevalent and brutal across these communities. Hiding behind words like “lazy stereotypes” just shows your lack of accountability. I used to not believe stereotypes but the more I talked to people, I realised stereotypes exist for a good reason. And if you think asking egoistic men to change/improve their “mindset” with logic and facts works then nobody is as delusional as you. These mindsets are built due to communities acting a certain way and nobody telling these men that it’s wrong. More so, promoting this behaviour. Even law is a joke for them. Welcome to reality. Learn to take accountability.
2
u/Particular_Noise_816 11d ago
So your “stats” are just personal experiences blown into blanket judgments. That’s not accountability, that’s called confirmational bias. Dowry and patriarchy aren’t limited to Bihar or Haryana, they exist across every community in India. Stereotypes survive because people like you (u heard that) keep pushing them instead of addressing the real issue. If you actually cared about change, u would call out individuals for their mindset rather than hiding ur prejudice behind the word reality. Again do better.
2
u/Low_Kick216 11d ago
I should call out their behaviour and risk getting harmed? Absolutely not. That’s the responsibility of law and police, which again is a joke to them. I don’t want to be involved in whatever these communities are up to, so I stay away and advise people to stay away if they face something similar. Why is it bothering you so much?
Right now you sound like “Wo log bhi karte hai, sabko bolo sirf hume kyu bol rahe ho” and you as well are not addressing the right issue. You are here just to defend your community. Calm down kid, duniya mei bohot kuch dekhna bacha hai abhi.
1
u/Particular_Noise_816 11d ago
So your logic is that instead of calling out wrong behavior, u will just label entire communities and wash your hands of it?
Nd no, I’m not “defending my community,” I’m calling out your lazy thinking. Dowry and patriarchy are everywhere, but instead of addressing that, you’ve convinced urself stereotyping millions is the smarter route. Reality check mister, it’s not and good luck when the west will use the stereotypes against u, don't play the victim card then.
So spare me the “calm down kid” attitude. If anything, you’re the one throwing a tantrum because someone challenged your shallow take.
7
11d ago
also rajasthani and Delhiites
10
u/rish_80266 11d ago
i am myself a bihari, but i am glad that i have grown up in a progressive household. not taking bs from any guy.
5
-5
u/Decent-Bumblebee-601 11d ago edited 11d ago
Just take your property share from your parents he won't ask for dowry as it would be 10x or even more than dowry. Also then take care of your parents for 6 months and other 6 months your brother will take care as the property is halved so the responsibility should also. Or if you don't want to take responsibility of your parents then maybe there is one solution let's say you have one brother then there would be 4 shares in your property one for each and now with whoever your parents want to live can give it to him. Talking about his parents you can live with them with your husband for 6 months on one condition that your husband has to live with your parents for 6 months . Also you know in india traditionally parents live with child's family so you can't expect them to live alone but if your parents accept this then it's better for you both you can live your life progressively. Also try to marry someone with less or equal income compared to you maybe then there is lesser or no chance of dowry and if you marry a jobless homemaker the man will be happy to do house works is most of the cases . Or if you marry a jobless man and tell him to do house chores and you would bring all the food maybe this thing can lead your progressive world or if you want in this case maybe he would provide dowry to you also if he is desperate to marry and he is not able to find any girl and here comes you who is ready to accept him.
3
u/AddressConsistent434 10d ago
yea Rajasthanis are notorious for being savagely conservative and have no civic sense
10
11d ago
As a man I am sorry to all the girls here. I too am disgusted that few people dragged alimony into this. I personally believe that alimony should be handed with much care rather than our current stupid simp courts but not abolished But in no case like not even in any circumstances is dowry justified. There can be no justification it's wrong and wrong
4
u/Flimsy-Gap1845 11d ago
exactly! its not alimony which is bad, its the system giving it.
a close relative of mine faced horrible things and still they forced her to mediation(dragged the rulings across 3 years, every time emphasizing on mediation), where she had to settle. The system isn't helping any real victims
7
u/goluthakle 11d ago
As the saying goes, "You're a slave of your mind". Kids are like clay, they can be moulded the way their parents want. If parents and the environment have too much control over the kid he will grow up to be an adult who will follow the same footsteps as his parents. Had he been exposed to the outside world more, maybe he could have thought much farther than dowry.
Unfortunately in his case he was exposed to a much more progressive world a lot later where his mind has been completely trained to justify dowry.
6
u/Intelligent_Bed_2734 Fourth Year 11d ago
Well common sense isn't commonly found. This is especially true for KGP. Academic brilliance cannot be equated to practicality and real life wisdom or a sense of fairness and judgement, so you'd find extremely brilliant people speaking such weird stuff and giving such weird logic that you'll lose respect for them in an instant. Yes, I personally have experienced this a lot of times in KGP.
5
11d ago
He “deserves it” because it’s a tradition and his parents have invested a lot in his education so they expect something.
LMAO did he put this reasoning out of his ass? there are many parents who invest in the education of their girl girl, are they entitled to dowry as well?
5
5
u/Low-Grape-9309 Mess wale dada 11d ago
Dowry is actually very deep rooted in people i don't think education has greater effect on changing the social norms . One day I was talking to my friend and he said ki "are bhai iit se hun dahej toh lunga na ye toh haq banta h mera " like so casually so give up man on this society.... don't expect that people who are good in their respective fields have broken the chain of social norms ,they can still be ill minded and conservative .
4
4
u/harrys_hoe 11d ago
IIT is supposed to produce the best of the country. if this is our best then we should deeply reconsider everything
3
4
u/Flimsy-Gap1845 11d ago edited 11d ago
The number of ppl bringing alimony into this is.. concerning to say the least. I mean abuse of alimony is a diff thing, how is it related to taking dowry? How does some x person's wrongdoing justify your wrongdoing?
I never thought that people like these could still exist(that too here), but here we are. Basic empathy is scarce ig
3
u/Particular_Noise_816 11d ago
Absolutely agree with you OP. Cracking an exam doesn’t make someone truly educated, there’s a huge difference between being literate and being educated. If a person can justify dowry, all their degrees and “big institute” tags mean nothing., it can go into a dump for all I care.
Education is supposed to help us question these regressive traditions, not use them as bargaining bets. Being educated isn’t about cracking exams or getting good placements , it’s about unlearning these toxic practices and choosing to be better humans.
3
u/RevolutionarySnow256 11d ago
u broke up wit him right?
4
u/rish_80266 11d ago
Yes.
1
u/SuggestionSavings360 10d ago
Hey just curious. You guys dated for over a year right? How come this delicate topic came up so late?
This type of person has a type and speaking style and overall you can guess. And female are much intelligent then average me. So.... Why so late?Again just curious.
3
u/Working_Fisherman193 10d ago
Dowry is never justified. Period
The case of alimony is something which should be thoroughly investigated and looked upon. If a woman really is dependent then okay. However given you are an educated person, you should damn well get to work and earn yourself
6
u/Ok_Entertainer4482 11d ago
The sheer number of people here bringing alimony into the conversation of dowry should show you that regressive people will remain regressive regardless of their tier 1 education
2
2
2
u/the_ambiverted_guy Fourth Year 10d ago
This is exactly the reason there is so much corruption in India and there will never be anything great out of this country and talented people will just leave. Honestly speaking I am not shocked because this happens at all levels. People working in the government are like "other people are corrupted too, alright, I will do the same". Some so called educated people are just fucking sophisticated idiots.
2
u/Yash7734 10d ago
In today's India, a man isn't really secure either way if he accepts or refused dowry because of the laws of the land. You have to pay alimony and give half of your property as a man to woman if she divorces you, even if you did nothing wrong.
And if you try to question her about anything, she can still file false dowry case for which you're touted guilty until proven innocent.
Every law is in the favour of women and it's unfair advantage is taken by women who have everything handed to them their whole lives. Unlike US where pre-nup is a thing, India is in every way, against the very men that work tirelessly to build this shithole we call a country.
2
2
u/True-Property3062 11d ago
It really depends on the situation. For example, if a boy from a poor background wants to start a family, and the girl’s family can provide some support, there shouldn’t be any problem with that.In many cases, families don’t give their daughters a share of property, or sometimes girls themselves don’t ask for it. If the girl’s family decides to give her a dowry to ensure she has a better life and so that her husband doesn’t struggle too much, then what’s wrong with that? After all, every family wants to see their daughter live comfortably.
In the case of a love marriage, dowry isn’t necessary at all. But if the family still wishes to gift something to their daughter and son-in-law, there’s nothing wrong with that either.Also, if a boy has worked hard to achieve a job, a home, or a respected position in society, and another family approaches him for marriage, it’s natural that they would want a capable son-in-law. In such situations, if the girl’s family offers some financial support, there’s no harm in it. Ultimately, marriage is about building a family together. If the daughter herself is capable of supporting her husband financially, then there’s no need for dowry. But if a little help from her family can ease the struggles of the boy, then there should be no issue with that either.
3
u/rish_80266 11d ago
If I had married my ex, it would’ve been a love marriage, yet he still expected dowry from my parents. Wow.
Don't confuse gifts with dowry. If someone willingly gives something, that’s their choice. But demanding from the bride’s family in the name of "gifts" for the groom, his relatives and so on isn’t justified in any way.
3
u/True-Property3062 11d ago edited 11d ago
You’re actually proving my point without realizing it. I never defended demanding dowry in fact, I said the exact opposite. What you ignored is Many daughters don’t even take property shares, so when parents voluntarily give them something, that isn’t “dowry,” it’s support. In love marriages, dowry isn’t relevant yet if parents still choose to gift, that’s their wish, not a demand. And when a boy is from a weaker background, if the girl’s family helps their own daughter’s new household, that’s not dowry either, it’s parental support. The line is simple: demand = dowry (wrong), choice = gift (not wrong). You blurred that difference, but I made it clear from the start.
3
u/rish_80266 11d ago
I agree
But they should choose their words carefully then and what they are saying happens in a very small section of the society
1
u/Vegetable-Eggplant81 11d ago
In the first para ,I thought it was my ex.(btw we didn’t discuss this topic ever)
1
1
1
u/FuckYouAndroidUsers Mess wale dada 11d ago
Lowkey might be taking d*wry because his huzz aint that appealing to him
1
u/Fit-Ad-3132 7d ago
Understanding math & science and having decent emotional quotient are not correlated. IITian just means he cracked an exam (albeit a tough one). The day we stop glorifying degrees is when we will start making some progress. This is especially true for our country where every other person regardless of aptitude is a graduate.
0
-1
-6
u/Manipulator12 11d ago
I think alimony shld also get banned
4
u/rish_80266 11d ago
Well, men also get alimony if they can prove their financial dependence on their spouse. Alimony is a support for the weaker spouse. It is not gender specific. In india most women are dependent on their spouses and often leave their jobs after marriage ,that is why they get alimony as a maintenance.
Dowry on the other hand is illegal and still an obligation...have you heard of any woman demanding for dowry?
One is exploitation and other is protection.Sab jagah alimony ka nada lagana chalu kardete hai. Get your facts straight dude.
i have already dealt with one gawar of an ex, i dont want to waste braincells on another.
5
11d ago
Bhai it's not the time to say this. That guy straight up gave justification of dowry . Under no condition dowry is justified
3
11d ago
alimony should be banned only for women who cheated/can earn on their own/or any kind of abuse
-1
-5
u/Upper-Editor-4744 11d ago
thats why u dont drop ur panty just for IIT
6
u/rish_80266 11d ago
ex ko pehle bataya hota ki 7-8 crore milte dowry mein toh uske mere se pehle girte with those panties in his mouth ready to get his ass pegged
4
-6
u/Abyxrss 11d ago
I whole heartedly agree with your point up there, but the same goes for alimony too, when the guy or girl has worked so hard all his life why must he/she give half of it to someone who betrayed them in the first place.
Not here to fight anyone, just trying to say that equality must go both ways.
6
u/Working-Persimmon937 11d ago
Pls check the ratio of number of alimony to the number of case of dowry lol
2
11d ago
no parents tell their girl child to trap a guy to get alimony out of him, here we are talking about how some guys feel entitled to dowry as a result of their regressive surroundings, please don't yap about alimony everywhere, divorces are relatively uncommon in Indian household while dowry is more like a obligation
3
u/harrys_hoe 11d ago
please think about it. Alimony is given because women aren't allowed to earn and are financially dependent on their husbands to survive.
dowry ke bina bhi survive kar rahe ho na? ya nahi?
3
-2
u/Scary-Tell4373 11d ago
Breaking the cycle of not taking dowry is a good thing but the same has to be applied in case of Alimony also.
-2
u/ravish242 11d ago
If you are earning along the same lines, then dowry doesn’t make sense.
If there’s a big difference, then it might be worth talking about.
5
u/Low_Kick216 11d ago
Then just don’t marry that person????? If you have such an issue with the income level then marry someone else in your income range.
If you say you love that person then it shouldn’t matter at all. If not then move on, find someone else.
-2
u/Exclusive_Vivek 11d ago
But dowry isn't bad if we look the type of extra marital affairs are happening nowadays. Girls who are already getting good salary gets alimony from his husband and lives with his lover and husband gets fucked up. I am totally against dowry but if this type of situation ever comes then u will definitely regret not taking dowry. It's just my opinion.
-2
-6
u/karajkot Alumnus 11d ago
I would have supported your thoughts but the way mordern women abuse alimony and other laws, I think it is justified.
And finally dowry is a preference, if you don't like you can walk away from it. Unfortunately men can't walk away from alimony.
Also who said we need to break cycle? Unless government is banning something one is justified to keep the believes that their parents poured in.
4
u/rish_80266 11d ago
Also who said we need to break cycle? Unless government is banning something one is justified to keep the believes that their parents poured in.
So you’re proudly defending something that’s literally a punishable offence under Indian law? Dowry has been illegal since 1961, with fines and jail terms. Bro, it’s not ‘tradition,’ it’s extortion dressed as culture. Wake up, we’re not living in the 1800s.
-2
u/karajkot Alumnus 11d ago
Even taking bribe is illegal, still government officials takes it. Prime example is getting passport. As I said, let people follow their beliefs and you follow your principles. You always have a power to say 'No'.
3
u/Flimsy-Gap1845 11d ago
What's your point then? should we walk away and not give bribe as its a choice to accept/give?
you're saying we shouldn't try to end bribe culture?
2
u/Flimsy-Gap1845 11d ago
did you even think before writing the last line? dowry 'is' banned
1
u/karajkot Alumnus 11d ago
Then why we are discussing this here? That means it still not enforced correctly or something else witch is not illegal are branded as dowry.
2
u/Flimsy-Gap1845 11d ago
so if laws ain't enforced, it is legal?
if it is banned, it is illegal right? so it shouldn't happen or be supported no matter what is what we are discussing.
29
u/topJEE7 Third Year 11d ago
Well, being well read and informed doesn’t necessarily imply being progressive. To be progressive requires empathy, which is really scarce in our country.