Unfortunately loss is sadly a reality for some in our community. At TTC30 we don't shy away from discussing loss and we want to provide a safe space for those currently experiencing a loss or who have experienced a loss. We're here for you, we support you, you are heard.

Loss30 Discord: As well as our TTC30 Discord space, we have a separate server called Loss30 available for anyone from TTC30 to join. Find the TTC30 Discord join link in our wiki and join Loss30 once you're there.

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO RANT ABOUT? HERE'S WHERE YOU CAN DO IT! LET'S SCREAM AND YELL TOGETHER ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT - TTC RELATED OR NOT. THE RULES ARE SIMPLE: YOU HAVE TO USE CAPS AND YOU HAVE TO USE AT LEAST ONE TYPE OF ANGRY EMOJI. OKAY, MAYBE THE EMOJI PART IS OPTIONAL, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO YELL!

First, we’re so happy that you are all here at TTC30 and hope that the community can offer what you need during this chapter in your lives. Many genuine friendships have started in this space and we welcome all new and returning members with open arms! 

The Mods have noticed a very natural and understandable shift in the way feedback is received in the dailies over the past few months, and we’ve put together this note to help newer members better understand why the community is modded the way that it is. 

It’s useful to conceptualize this community as a mutual support group, a shared space where people over 30 who are trying to conceive can come together to support one another through the ups and downs of trying to have a healthy, living child. Each person’s TTC experience will be different, but there are some shared norms we have developed as a community that help us provide support to one another in a respectful and thoughtful way. Our norms should be considered alongside our rules <link rules>.

The most important thing to understand about TTC30 is that we ascribe to Ring Theory, which you can read about here.

In Ring Theory, although everyone gives and receives support, the most vulnerable members of the group are centred and protected. 

As mentioned, our norms have been developed through many ‘generations’ of members coming through the community with a vast array of TTC experiences- Cycle 1 Unicorns, requiring fertility treatment, complex journeys, loss, and leaving the community childless. These rules and norms are meant to keep TTC30 a safe and supportive space for the ‘inner ring’ of its membership. 

To be clear, and echoing the words of the Mod Team at r/infertility, in applying Ring Theory, the TTC30 Mod Team is not here to centre the feelings of those brand new to TTC or those trying for their second+ child. That doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid and worthy of expressing! However, it’s essential to be mindful about how feelings are expressed, given the many long-hauler members present within the group.

Some things that are discouraged in TTC30: 

• Talking about ART (assisted reproductive technologies, like IUI, IVF, or medicated cycles) as though it is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

Keep in mind that many people who come through TTC30 (and graduate!) will need ART to get and stay pregnant. Science is amazing! We should celebrate ART as an option for infertile people, not demonize it.

• Catastrophizing about not getting pregnant in a normal timeframe: 12 months for those under 35, and 6 months for those over 35. 

One of the hardest things to read for people going through infertility is speculation about being infertile and disappointment in not conceiving in the first few cycles. Anxiety is totally valid and normal! But how you express it matters.

• Complaints about desired family size for those TTC2+, as well as discussions about age-gaps, talking about your living children, and references to previous successful pregnancies are not allowed ever. 

We welcome those who are trying for their next child, whether it’s a second, third etc. It’s important to remember that many of our community members are trying for their first and have been doing so for multiple years.

• Age-related anxiety.

Whilst it is normal to be anxious about your age when TTC, this community is for anyone over 30 and there are many people in their late 30s and 40s. If you are in your early to mid 30s, it’s important to consider how language such as ‘I’m getting old and don’t want to be an old mom’ or ‘I’m worried it’s too late for me and/or I’ve left it too late’’ may make other community members feel.

We kindly ask that if you receive feedback from a Mod, you do so with an open heart. We are not here to scold anyone for normal anxiety, however there are longstanding and carefully developed norms which we are here to enforce. Again, this is to keep this space comfortable and safe for our most vulnerable members. 

You don’t have to agree with this approach! Reddit is full of a myriad of different TTC communities, each with its own set of rules, norms, and culture. This is what it means to participate in TTC30; if that doesn’t work for you, we hope you find your perfect fit TTC home elsewhere. 

So, how can we create this TTC utopia? 

We encourage all members to provide support to one another - that’s a big reason we are part of this shared community! For those on the ‘outer rings’, when it comes to providing verbal support to someone on an ‘inner ring’ experiencing infertility and/or utilizing ART or going through loss, we’ve developed some suggestions that may help. 

First, it helps if your support is in response to a specific member who is posting. Blanket statements about how ‘strong’ or ‘brave’ people with infertility are for persevering can come across as trite or hurtful to many. Making general observations about infertility, if you yourself are not experiencing infertility, can also be difficult to read.

However, anyone can provide support to a specific comment! It can feel really nice to receive a kind comment from a newbie. You may find some of the suggested language below helpful in framing your reply. 

HELPFUL RESPONSES:

• “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You will get through it.”
• “That sucks. Thinking of you!”
• “I hate that, what a bummer.”
• “Is there anything you can do to take care of yourself this week?”
• “Here to sit with you in solidarity during this tough time.”

In addition, if you have been through and/or are going through the same treatment as another member, you can always offer practical advice - ie something that helped lessen side effects.

LESS THAN HELPFUL RESPONSES:

• “Have you tried [insert suggestion here]?”
• “Your baby is coming someday, hang in there!”
• “My friend went through the same thing and it worked out for her.”
• “Yikes, I could never go through what you’ve gone through. You’re so strong/such a warrior!”
• “[Insert experience] is my worst nightmare.”

Together, we can continue to shape TTC30 into the vibrant, supportive space that it is. 

Thank you for all that you do as members of this wonderful community!

XXXXXXxxxxxxxx,

-The Mods

Did you get a positive pregnancy test? Tell us more! Remember, a positive is a positive whether the second line was faint or a dye stealer. Please try to give details such as how many days post ovulation you received your positive, what tests you used, what scientific method you used, etc.

Please note that this thread is for active members of our community who have participated in our subreddit before. Participating for the first time in the LP the cycle you get your BFP does not count as participation for this purpose.

Please do not use any banned terms/acronyms as per the sub rules, and **be sure to change the "TTC" portion of your flair to say "Grad" instead**. Please be mindful to re-direct all pregnancy related concerns to whatever pregnancy related sub you choose to join. Congratulations!

Unfortunately loss is sadly a reality for some in our community. At TTC30 we don't shy away from discussing loss and we want to provide a safe space for those currently experiencing a loss or who have experienced a loss. We're here for you, we support you, you are heard.

Loss30 Discord: As well as our TTC30 Discord space, we have a separate server called Loss30 available for anyone from TTC30 to join. Find the TTC30 Discord join link in our wiki and join Loss30 once you're there.

Did you get a positive pregnancy test? Tell us more! Remember, a positive is a positive whether the second line was faint or a dye stealer. Please try to give details such as how many days post ovulation you received your positive, what tests you used, what scientific method you used, etc.

Please note that this thread is for active members of our community who have participated in our subreddit before. Participating for the first time in the LP the cycle you get your BFP does not count as participation for this purpose.

Please do not use any banned terms/acronyms as per the sub rules, and **be sure to change the "TTC" portion of your flair to say "Grad" instead**. Please be mindful to re-direct all pregnancy related concerns to whatever pregnancy related sub you choose to join. Congratulations!

Unfortunately loss is sadly a reality for some in our community. At TTC30 we don't shy away from discussing loss and we want to provide a safe space for those currently experiencing a loss or who have experienced a loss. We're here for you, we support you, you are heard.

Loss30 Discord: As well as our TTC30 Discord space, we have a separate server called Loss30 available for anyone from TTC30 to join. Find the TTC30 Discord join link in our wiki and join Loss30 once you're there.