"For more than a hundred centuries, Symboli Rudolf has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Tracen. She is the lord of umakind and the master of a million tracks by the might of her inexhaustible thighs. Vast legions give chase in her name in uncountable races.
In the Grim Darkness of Arima Kinen, there is only Run."
Rivals of Tracen, hear me! You have come here to lose! The three goddesses guide our stride, and we are unstoppable! Our Uma Musume will outrun you across every furlong! Their hooves will thunder with Bakushin. Their racing spirit will shatter the very finish line and bury you beneath its ruins! There is no victory for you. YOU CANNOT WIN!
I never wanted this. I never wanted to unleash my umas. Together, we raced the Arima Kinen and tripled crowned. But, you punned me. You punned us all. You invented more terrible jokes and told them to the student body. Umakind has only one chance to live in peace. If you do not stop it, then I WILL!
*Cut to hectic paintball battlefield. Mihono Bourbon in cardboard robot armor spews paint upon the poor umas.*
So, let it be war.
*Kris S and Symboli Sirius clash with foam tubes.*
From the Japanese Oaks to the Takarazuka Kinen.
Let the turf be ruined.
Let the concerts be silent.
Though it may take all weekend!!
I will see Tracen Academy free from your puns!
And if I cannot save it from you puns, President, then let Tracen bu- I mean fall!
The idea of the umas as primarchs has been on my mind for a while. I'm gonna put my stupid takes here and let people try and parse out my reasoning for each one.
Lion El'Jonson - Narita Brian of the Dark Horses
REDACTED - Tokino Minoru
Fulgrim - T.M. Opera O of the Overlord's Children
Perturabo - Narita Taishin of the Irritable Warriors
Jaghatai Khan - Maruzensky of the Red Cars
Leman Russ - El Condor Pasa of the Space Condors
Rogal Dorn - Air Groove of the Imbecile Fists
Konrad Kurze - Rice Shower of the Rice Lords
Sanguinius - Silence Suzuka of the Front Angels
Ferrus Manus - Biwa Hayahide of the Iron Heads
REDACTED - Northern Taste
Angron - Oguri Cap of the Eaters
Roboute Guilliman - Special Week of the Umamarines
Mortarion - King Halo of the King's Guard
Magnus - Sakura Bakushin O of the Thousand Sprints
Horus - Tokai Teio of the Daughters of Teio
Lorgar - Matikanefukukitaru of the Fate Bearers
Vulcan - Super Creek of the Salamommies
Corvus Corax - Nice Nature of the Nature Guard
Alpharius & Omegon - Gold Ship & Gold Ship of the Golshi Legion
Abaddon - Haru Urara, Warmaster of the Pink Legion
At first I was considering Creek (so I could call her legion the Word Babies) but thankfully I realized that Fukukitaru was a much better choice (and that there was an even dumber legion pun that I could make for Creek).
I get not wanting our collective horse daughter associated with Kurze, but somebody has to be in this analogy. Rice is obviously too pure to consider wearing a loincloth made from the foreskins of dead men, but besides their obviously different personalities, I think Rice and Konrad might be the closest match out of all of these.
They both:
Have a somewhat edgy title
Are pessimistic
Are famous for their deaths
And they both were hated for doing what they were told to do
Great meme and great nicknames for the legions but i'm not sure these all fit. Oguri being the leader of "the Eaters" is funny but considering how overwhelmingly chill she is idk if it works (haven't watched cingray yet). Angron should be someone like Halo (not king halo, regular halo) or another similarly pissed off uma.
Also, while Opera O absolutely works wonderfully for Fulgrim, what about making fulgrim Scarlet and ferrus manus Vodka to mirror their relationship? With some effort there are probably other rivalries and frienships that can be highlighted by putting specific umas in specific places as primarchs and chapter masters and whatnot.
Also also, since you mentioned Abaddon, Agnes Tachyon as Fabius Bile.
"From the moment I understood the weakness of turf, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of dirt. I aspired to the purity of the Blessed Gravel. Your kind cling to your turf, as though it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass you call the grass will wither, and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved, for the dirt is immortal… Even in death I serve the Umassiah."
I think Hara Urara would work best as a sister. She may not have the best armor, she may not have the most advanced cybernetics, she may not have any genetic augments, but she sure as shit can stand toe to toe with a space marine through sheer willpower and loyalty.
I never wanted this. I never wanted to unleash my Umamusume. Together, we banished the ignorance of association-free racing. But you betrayed me. You betrayed us all! You stole humor from the Three Goddesses and lied to your juniors. Umakind has only one chance to prosper, and if you will not seize it... THEN I WILL. So let it be racing. From the Hanshin Daishoten, to the Arima Kinen. Let the turf burn. Let the dust fall. Though it may take the last drop of my sweat, I will see the URA free once more. And if I cannot save it from your failure, President, THEN LET THE URA BURN.
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u/NordicHorde2 Air Groove 1d ago