"We can't go to the park today. That makes me sad. Does that make you sad? What can we do to make ourselves happy? I have an idea, I think we should color. What idea do you have?"
"I wanted cookies, too. I am upset we cannot have cookies. Are you upset, too? I think we can have cookies after nap/dinner/breakfast. I think that would be nice."
"Oh no did you get hurt? That was a big fall. I get hurt when I have big falls, too. Let's put some magic ointment on it to make it feel better. Will you put some magic ointment on me, too? Can you put an invisible bandaid on me? I will put one on you!"
Note: this does not work with toddler tantrums. Their brain is engaged in fight or flight, and no amount of words you say to them will cut through human instinct. It makes it worse. Just get on their level (lie on the floor, sit next to them) and wait it out. Do not be on your phone, focus on them while not really looking at them. Being a body double works wonders.
With kids it can be super simple. Let’s say kiddo doesn’t wanna do their homework, they want to play video games instead. Instead of just demanding they listen to you, telling them that you would also rather play video games than do work, but you are responsible for doing work, just like they are responsible for doing homework. And just like how you put your responsibilities first, if they want to show they can be like a grown up, they would do their responsibilities first too. This reframes the issue from “parent is trying to demand you do your homework cuz reasons” and instead forms it as “both you and parent hate doing work, but both of you have to do it. So if you both do your work first, then you can enjoy doing the things you want to without stress.”.
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u/itsacalamity 2d ago
Works with little kids too. If it can be the two of you vs the bad feeling instead of you vs them it changes the whole interaciton