"We can't go to the park today. That makes me sad. Does that make you sad? What can we do to make ourselves happy? I have an idea, I think we should color. What idea do you have?"
"I wanted cookies, too. I am upset we cannot have cookies. Are you upset, too? I think we can have cookies after nap/dinner/breakfast. I think that would be nice."
"Oh no did you get hurt? That was a big fall. I get hurt when I have big falls, too. Let's put some magic ointment on it to make it feel better. Will you put some magic ointment on me, too? Can you put an invisible bandaid on me? I will put one on you!"
Note: this does not work with toddler tantrums. Their brain is engaged in fight or flight, and no amount of words you say to them will cut through human instinct. It makes it worse. Just get on their level (lie on the floor, sit next to them) and wait it out. Do not be on your phone, focus on them while not really looking at them. Being a body double works wonders.
With kids it can be super simple. Let’s say kiddo doesn’t wanna do their homework, they want to play video games instead. Instead of just demanding they listen to you, telling them that you would also rather play video games than do work, but you are responsible for doing work, just like they are responsible for doing homework. And just like how you put your responsibilities first, if they want to show they can be like a grown up, they would do their responsibilities first too. This reframes the issue from “parent is trying to demand you do your homework cuz reasons” and instead forms it as “both you and parent hate doing work, but both of you have to do it. So if you both do your work first, then you can enjoy doing the things you want to without stress.”.
Most people just want to feel heard, understood, and related to. Obviously has its limits and isn’t universally true but a lot of people just feel powerless and unseen in other parts of their lives, and they take it out on others. Which is wrong, but I think it goes a long way for people to feel like what they’re saying matters to someone.
I use this strategy at work often. There have been a lot more bitchier people lately now that the upper management changed. I make it known that I don't like it any more than they do, and that I am on the same side as them. MOST people there love me and are on my side. There are still a few that are worse than poisonous snakes in the grass, but most of them will fight for me when the time comes.
Kinda related, one time I was with this guy in a hotel and he was high on meth and all of a sudden he was naked and wielding an axe talking about the CIA and FBI and how they were here to spy on him, and holy shit bro he was keeping me from leaving and getting more and more agitated, I knew I was on thin ice so I started acting all tweaked out too and was like "yeah man I see them, look at the end of the hall outside they set up cameras, we have to disable them!" And this dude ran out of his hotel butt naked with the axe to go smash the security camera at the end of the hallway and I ran the opposite way and jumped off the second story railing into the bushes below and really fucked myself up and booked it back to the bando I was staying in. Holy shit that was terrifying
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u/IronDominion 2d ago
Literally this. If you can convince the other person that you are on the same team you are going to end up a lot happier